Hi Gemma, I am G9 node spread but a bit further than just the pelvis.
i can’t tell you what my wife thinks but can tell you how I see her behaviour and know we are all different.
i want to know everything about pca, my wife dies not. She comes to every results day and knows where I am including prognosis. But, she copes by saying each day , is hubby ok today, if he is then its a good day. She does not want to know about the journey in advance, to be fair there are many paths to the ultimate destination, just today is all that matters. For me that’s occasionally frustrating but that’s her way of coping so who am I to say that’s wrong. Its probably harder for her than me anyway.
so I guess I am saying, think about how you cope best, if that is in line with hubby fab, if it’s not don’t fret, your feelings are as important as his so explain why you behave the way that works for you as in the long run, if you pretend to go with how hubby wants to be but not your feelings the wheels will come off later down the track, perhaps at a more crucial time.
I just want my wife to be as happy as she can be and would be mortified if she hid her feelings from me , I know that at some stage we will both have a world of pain and anguish to get through but that’s not today so we both try to be normal.
For what it’s worth I was told I may only have 2 years, I have had 4 so far, I am 53, my PSA is 0.06 again and a mri last week showed no progression from 3 years ago and some shrinkage of one tumour. we both could have spent every day sad or worrying but what a waste of 4 years that would have been, instead we both live for the day and www.makethemostofit.org
no doubt another will disagree with me but that’s how I see it.
take care, have a good weekend doing normal stuff and not dwelling on what you can’t change.
kev
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019 |
User
Hi Gemma
My husband was diagnosed just over a year ago. Gleason 10 and spread to lymph nodes.
At the time we had only been together several months, it was devastating. He was 49 when diagnosed and we had our future all planned. It was all a whirlwind and he proposed after just 7 weeks, we both knew straight away that we belong together and we got married in August.
I would like to be able to tell you the journey is easy but it's not. What I can say is that you are not alone even though sometimes it will feel like you are. You will find a way through, you have to.
We are having a really tough time. My husband's not dealt with his cancer emotionally. He is severely depressed but refusing help. He has aggressive outbursts, severe periods of depression where he shuts himself away from the world and avoids everyone including pushing me away. He's even felt suicidal. On top of all that we have recently had to go through the worry of a rise in his PSA. The scans show some new nodules on the prostate which is a worry. We are currently waiting for a more detailed scan and if that is ok they plan to start radiotherapy (He's already had chemotherapy).
No one knows what the future holds and my view is that you have to grab each day and make the most of it. My husband unfortunately isn't able to share that view at the moment but I am hoping that he will get there soon.
My advice would be to keep talking and be honest with each other. There will be good days and bad days and sometimes it may be hard to understand how the other person is feeling or behaving but if you have love you will get through.
Stay strong, I'm happy to chat anytime. Sometimes it helps just to be able to share your thoughts with people that are in a similar situation. I've found the support on here a great help to me during some really difficult times.
Helen xx
User
Gemma, wise words and advice from Irun and Helen.
You are you and will deal with the current situation as best you can. You cannot be somebody else. You might (for a while) be able to project a different attitude but it wouldn't change anything for either of you would it.
If you need to cry because life has cheated you a little bit and taken away from you a future you had all planned, well, that's totally understandable.
Your OH is saying that you undermine him. Perhaps what he is feeling are all those fears that some men in his situation seem to have. ie that they have to be the brave one and look after the wife and be strong and manly and knowing about your distress is making that hard for him to take. All you can do is tell him you love him and you'll always be there for him.
You cannot just turn off the grief you feel. You just have to wait for it to abate a bit. In the meantime, never lose touch with each other and if you can talk your feelings through then it helps. It stops any misunderstandings for a start.
My husband was nowhere as bad as Irun, Helen or your husband, but Like Irun, he accepted what life is and got on with it. There are aspects of his cancer that have affected both of us and which can occasionally make him feel a little low but he accepts my "nagging" about getting on with his (our) life.
We have always talked about his prostate cancer and the effects of treatment and the results of that treatment.
Irun's way of dealing with it is to run and run and run!!
He sets himself challenges, promotes men's awareness and raises money for PC UK at the same time. His wife is different.
We all have our own ways of dealing with it and nothing is right or wrong. It just is!!
Edited by member 25 Nov 2018 at 18:21
| Reason: Not specified
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
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Hi Gemma, I am G9 node spread but a bit further than just the pelvis.
i can’t tell you what my wife thinks but can tell you how I see her behaviour and know we are all different.
i want to know everything about pca, my wife dies not. She comes to every results day and knows where I am including prognosis. But, she copes by saying each day , is hubby ok today, if he is then its a good day. She does not want to know about the journey in advance, to be fair there are many paths to the ultimate destination, just today is all that matters. For me that’s occasionally frustrating but that’s her way of coping so who am I to say that’s wrong. Its probably harder for her than me anyway.
so I guess I am saying, think about how you cope best, if that is in line with hubby fab, if it’s not don’t fret, your feelings are as important as his so explain why you behave the way that works for you as in the long run, if you pretend to go with how hubby wants to be but not your feelings the wheels will come off later down the track, perhaps at a more crucial time.
I just want my wife to be as happy as she can be and would be mortified if she hid her feelings from me , I know that at some stage we will both have a world of pain and anguish to get through but that’s not today so we both try to be normal.
For what it’s worth I was told I may only have 2 years, I have had 4 so far, I am 53, my PSA is 0.06 again and a mri last week showed no progression from 3 years ago and some shrinkage of one tumour. we both could have spent every day sad or worrying but what a waste of 4 years that would have been, instead we both live for the day and www.makethemostofit.org
no doubt another will disagree with me but that’s how I see it.
take care, have a good weekend doing normal stuff and not dwelling on what you can’t change.
kev
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019 |
User
Hi Gemma
My husband was diagnosed just over a year ago. Gleason 10 and spread to lymph nodes.
At the time we had only been together several months, it was devastating. He was 49 when diagnosed and we had our future all planned. It was all a whirlwind and he proposed after just 7 weeks, we both knew straight away that we belong together and we got married in August.
I would like to be able to tell you the journey is easy but it's not. What I can say is that you are not alone even though sometimes it will feel like you are. You will find a way through, you have to.
We are having a really tough time. My husband's not dealt with his cancer emotionally. He is severely depressed but refusing help. He has aggressive outbursts, severe periods of depression where he shuts himself away from the world and avoids everyone including pushing me away. He's even felt suicidal. On top of all that we have recently had to go through the worry of a rise in his PSA. The scans show some new nodules on the prostate which is a worry. We are currently waiting for a more detailed scan and if that is ok they plan to start radiotherapy (He's already had chemotherapy).
No one knows what the future holds and my view is that you have to grab each day and make the most of it. My husband unfortunately isn't able to share that view at the moment but I am hoping that he will get there soon.
My advice would be to keep talking and be honest with each other. There will be good days and bad days and sometimes it may be hard to understand how the other person is feeling or behaving but if you have love you will get through.
Stay strong, I'm happy to chat anytime. Sometimes it helps just to be able to share your thoughts with people that are in a similar situation. I've found the support on here a great help to me during some really difficult times.
Helen xx
User
Helen and Irun,
Thank you so much. I appreciate your thoughts and its good to know we're not alone.
My husband is incredibly strong and has always been my rock so he's carrying on like normal whilst I'm crumbling but trying to hide it cos I don't want him to see me cry. He's not stupid and knows I do but says I'm undermining him.
I feel so guilty for not looking out for him and being wrapped up in my work. We should of found this whilst it was still in the prostate.
Hopefully the meeting on Monday with the hospital might help. He doesn't have any family so it's just me and he's my world
User
Gemma, wise words and advice from Irun and Helen.
You are you and will deal with the current situation as best you can. You cannot be somebody else. You might (for a while) be able to project a different attitude but it wouldn't change anything for either of you would it.
If you need to cry because life has cheated you a little bit and taken away from you a future you had all planned, well, that's totally understandable.
Your OH is saying that you undermine him. Perhaps what he is feeling are all those fears that some men in his situation seem to have. ie that they have to be the brave one and look after the wife and be strong and manly and knowing about your distress is making that hard for him to take. All you can do is tell him you love him and you'll always be there for him.
You cannot just turn off the grief you feel. You just have to wait for it to abate a bit. In the meantime, never lose touch with each other and if you can talk your feelings through then it helps. It stops any misunderstandings for a start.
My husband was nowhere as bad as Irun, Helen or your husband, but Like Irun, he accepted what life is and got on with it. There are aspects of his cancer that have affected both of us and which can occasionally make him feel a little low but he accepts my "nagging" about getting on with his (our) life.
We have always talked about his prostate cancer and the effects of treatment and the results of that treatment.
Irun's way of dealing with it is to run and run and run!!
He sets himself challenges, promotes men's awareness and raises money for PC UK at the same time. His wife is different.
We all have our own ways of dealing with it and nothing is right or wrong. It just is!!
Edited by member 25 Nov 2018 at 18:21
| Reason: Not specified
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Thanks for everyone's kind words
We've just returned from the hospital to properly discuss results. The cancer is considered locally advanced as it is within pelvis so they are going to do radiotherapy along with HT with intent to cure
Bit nervous about G9 but at least they are going to try to cure
User
Mr Angry.
Firstly sorry to hijack this post to reply to some one.
Have just read your Bio and can see why you are so angry, one of the questions I was asked aAfter diagnosis was did I have any sons when I said I had one they told me to make sure he went for PSA check when he was 45.
As I have opted for HT/RT it as goood. To be able to read about somebody’s symptoms first hand, even after reading them I still believe I have made the right decision.
Although unlucky to be diagnosed with PC I class myself lucky as I lost a brother and have a brother in law with mesothelioma
Bob