My turn to struggle

My turn to struggle

User

Posted 14 Jan 2019 at 19:42

Hi all

So having got through Christmas (a stressfull period for us due to reminders of historical family losses) I am now facing up to finding a new job. I have no love for my current career and its cutthroat culture and my career change is a huge risk and will take time I may not have.

I'm finding this a huge mental challenge and have been a little too much reliant on the rosso to deal with it of late.

On top of cancer I have fought a running battle with anxiety, depression and a load of other items of baggage that have caused me a lot of trouble over the years in ways that make moving on very very hard and make it very hard for me to like myself.

I've got a nasty little battle going on in my head between "I want do better and be a better person with what time I have left" and "what is the point - I can't change and even if I did, it is too little too late".

All I can see is me scrabbling away to earn enough to make my family secure then looking at daisies from below. At least at that point I won't care.

There are people on this forum far braver than me who have overcome far more. I would appreciate some idea on how to fight through this block from those who have.

Cheers

Edited by member 24 Feb 2019 at 18:30 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 22:49

Pete, I went through some very dark times indeed during the three months I was waiting to be diagnosed. I was having test after test, and it seemed for a while that every test I was having was finding something new (and potentially fatal) wrong with me. I reached a stage of complete despair and seriously contemplated suicide.

What made me come out of the other side of that dark tunnel was the realisation that I could be the healthiest person in the world and still be run over by the Clapham Omnibus tomorrow, and that nobody knows how much time they have left to them. I could spend whatever time I had left feeling sorry for myself, or I could pull myself together and enjoy life to the maximum. I decided to do the latter. I was incredibly lucky: of the three major things wrong with me, two are sorted out and I’m on a hopefully curative pathway for my PCa. What I went through last year, though, convinced me that life is too precious not to enjoy every day of.

Hope you feel better soon,

Chris

User

Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 14:16

Hi all

Got sidetracked...

I appreciate the responses.

@Chris - my goal is top fins something rewarding to do. I have the goal but the hard bit is getting there.

@Ian - We are a lot alike. I'm in a constant battle against my inner hangups and I've lost a few major battles over the years leaving a lot of mess to pick up. That is my hardest challenge - coming to terms with my own mistakes and flaws - oddly even harder than PCa in some ways.

@Bestie - yes. one day at a time does seem to help. Lack of sleep and hangovers tend to mess that up.

I've been thinking a lot recently about "what is it all about" to try and find something to fight for and some recent posts elsewhere in the forum make it all the more poignant. It is a tough world and fewer people care than you think (God included - he exists but doesn't give a flying damn about any of us) so caring about yourself and others is actally the most important thing you can do to stick two fingers up to the challenges of the world. You guys set the gold standard for that here with the support that is given to those in need. Whatever I do, that thought will be top of my list when figuring out what to do.

Edited by member 19 Jan 2019 at 14:31 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 23:09

My advice is take up smoking

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 13:43

Good info thanks Chris. I will bear in mind if i decide to up to 30mg.....not something i really want to do but I need to manage my brain until i come off the HT. i cant even think about going back on the HT if I relapse in the future......something i know you struggle with too Chris.

Phil

Show Most Thanked Posts

User

Posted 14 Jan 2019 at 20:18

Hi Pete , you know me by now. Sleep is your best friend. After years of undiagnosed bipolar they now feel mood stabilizers are off the menu and I have Diazepam if I’m stressed but Zopiclone each night. If I’m sleeping I’m far better. I’m doing far too much booze myself and I think what’s the point , but at the end of the day I’m functioning and working and being a husband and father and have friends. I’m my own worst critic tbh. Reading your post , I’m at exactly the same place as you. It can be hell but also full of joy. Even more tests ahead this 4 weeks and I want to blot it out. I don’t know if you can find or afford a councillor , but mine has been a lifesaver. And a double-appointment with your GP and get it across you need help. Good luck

User

Posted 14 Jan 2019 at 22:09

Hi Chris

I'm slowly removing the things that are messing me up like coffee and need to look at removing booze as the next step. That will help a lot. Pills dont do it for me apart from for sleeping. I'm functioning and with the help of a wonderful counsellor I am getting better at dealing with things but I just have this sense of loss and a complete blank about what the rest of my life *means* and how to get from A to Z in a manner that means something as it were. I see my current career as utterly meaningless and want to do something good for the rest of my life but am struggling so hard with the baggage which is holding me back.

I guess I am saying that it is the whole existential thing that I have hit like running into a wall at high speed and I wanted to see how others have coped with this to get inspiration and a bit of courage because I feel like a coward most days. I don't want to just fanny around for the time I have left because that would be a waste. I just need to work iout a way of getting the balls to break through.

Cheers

User

Posted 15 Jan 2019 at 00:06

If you can transition successfully then go for it but please remember everything gets harder if you don't have any money..

User

Posted 15 Jan 2019 at 06:36

I get what you are saying totally. I really do. Been there and still there partially. I guess I was lucky being medically retired on a pension but it wasn’t as much income as we needed. I couldn’t mentally do anything for three years I was such a mess. I got work in an old folks home as a HCA which was such a change as I’m a marine / petro engineer. Such a massively rewarding job and I utterly surprised myself at what I could do — even a terminal PCa patient :-((

Too taxing on my legs. I’ve always volunteered at my local schools with reading etc Again very rewarding and makes you happy. By chance I am now a morning caretaker and part-time dinner lady I couldn’t be happier. I’m not suggesting you do any of the above , but yes find yourself something that makes you feel good and warm. But financial stability is key too as said above. Best wishes

User

Posted 15 Jan 2019 at 09:32

I totally get where you are as I relate to everything you posted.

Would setting up a list of targets/requirements help?

e.g.

Type of job pros cons minimum earnings required

Activity Do i enjoy it? Do I want to do it? is it good for me?

Apologies for what is below but it sets context.

(I am probably not the best to advise you right now as I have unilaterally taken myself off Sertraline for depression and anxiety. My wife is furious and that makes me feel even worse as she has clearly stated i am not ready to be off these meds yet.

I have a PHD in self criticism, poor self worth, anxiety, depression. Recognise any of that?

Despite being happy with my decision to retire early (with no added years, no enhancement)

I find myself worried about what people think of me. / Who cares, I've had cancer.

I feel like Gollum and Smigel in Lord of the Rings because at other times I can feel great.

On most days i just try to seize the day, be grateful and enjoy life.)

Ido4

User

Posted 15 Jan 2019 at 20:29

Hiya Pete,

I find I'm usually at my worst when I first wake up, which is not unusual for anyone with any of lifes problems,big or small. As Ian says I make the effort to 'seize the day' and generally this brings back at least some optimism and normality. Infact its the only way I can function. Within the space of four years I've gone from feeling totally certain of longevity to, at times, utterly vulnerable. I really get what you mean about getting to the stage of asking ourselves..'whats the point', I even do it when I do some sort of DIY with a view to doing the task well so that it lasts for years when I perhaps won't ! I wish you well in whichever employment path you take. All the best Pete.

Paul

User

Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 14:16

Hi all

Got sidetracked...

I appreciate the responses.

@Chris - my goal is top fins something rewarding to do. I have the goal but the hard bit is getting there.

@Bestie - yes. one day at a time does seem to help. Lack of sleep and hangovers tend to mess that up.

Edited by member 19 Jan 2019 at 14:31 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 01 Feb 2019 at 23:11

Hi Pete

2 days into 'contained malignancy' diagnosis.

minutes into being a member of this online community

I have had a day from hell of see-sawing emotions.

yes, there are people far worse off than me and you.

I've been told that because this has been detected early enough, its treatable and not life threatening.

but shamefully, i have to own up to today at times not giving a toss about anyone else because its all about me and my situation. and i shivered at my news Wednesday, in spite of the positivity that immediately followed the delivery of the diagnosis.

Hate myself. kicked off with my fiancée. not proud of myself.

Pete. Although I'm brand new to this particular world I think i can already say its natural to feel negative and "what's the point". trials and tribulations make you stronger. Not chintzy rose-spectacled pretend world.

accept your negativity and, perhaps with the help of others (strangers can be more therapeutic than close friends and family) use it to build your strength of character. yield to it and it will consume you.

hope this complete novice hasnt made a pig's ear of my reply

lastly, for some reason, i'm being denied posting a new conversation. Is it because I'm brand new to hear? Not hijacking Pete's thread. Happy to recieve a PM as an answer. But if anyone gets/ has experienced my guilt & moroseness at dealing with my diagnosis when its way down the list compared to others, or if anyone had advice for me, i'd be grateful. Because right now I'm my own worst enemy and lousy company

User

Posted 02 Feb 2019 at 00:27

All new threads have to be approved by a moderator and it may just be that you posted too late this evening to get it up onto the forum; it may appear tomorrow morning. Sometimes new threads are rejected because you are choosing a title that is too similar to someone else’s. Also, the site has had some techy issues this last couple of weeks which I think they are working on so that might have affected new threads - one that I wrote last week has disappeared into the ether.

Useful advice - if you are writing a long post, draft it in Word or similar first and then copy & paste it onto here just in case it gets lost at the last minute. The people here are great but the website has had some functionality issues ever since it was redesigned / supposedly improved about 4 years ago.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 12 Feb 2019 at 12:49

Pat

Sorry it has taken a while to reply. I haven't got notifications set up on this sub section.

It is a battle between positive and negative emotions. Oddly I feel quite calm right now, just feeling uncertain. I've been meditating and that helps.

The negativity is a defense mechanism - if you think the negative and it happens, you have already processed it, wheras if you think positive, it is a huge crash if the wheels fall off. A bad habit I am trying to get out of.

On top of that, the brain works in really strange ways dealing with these situations. Before my third post op PSA result I *knew* it was a bust, somehow. Was that instinct? Who knows. This time I am genuinely uncertain. I will know in two and a half hours.

Hope your treatment goes OK.

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 18:34

I've been trying to help someone on another forum who is really struggling with his treatment choice and pathology. I hope I have helped him but it has been a slog and has kind of brought me down dealing with relentless pessimism and got me thinking like him a little.

On one hand I see some good news reported here but on the other it seems too many treatments and salvage treatments just fail so one might as well expect that and go from there.

I know this is just thoughts probably also to do with my first review on Tuesday but some advice to break this train of thoughts would be appreciated.

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 19:36

Don’t really know what to say other than if you're ok today go with it.

Will be thinking about you on Tuesday.

Ido4

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 20:06

Cheers

Yea, I’ll be ok once it is done.

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 20:11

"The negativity is a defense mechanism - if you think the negative and it happens, you have already processed it, wheras if you think positive, it is a huge crash if the wheels fall off. A bad habit I am trying to get out of."

Hey Pete, I think this is my default mode...however I view it slightly differently. If I know the worst that can happen, I am relieved when it doesn't and feel more positive. Every one has their own definition of what "the worst" is, so it's relative to your situation. Although N's treatment isn't going well, my "worst" hasn't happened so although I'm sad, I am able to find a little positivity somewhere.

Thinking of you.xx

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 21:41

Evening Pete,

Notwithstanding the wonderful and relentless support and help here, have you considered speaking to someone with experience of dealing with what you are going through? Can work for many.

Not sure if a GP referral would provide that as an option?

At some point the carer has to take care of themselves. I don't know how what you are going through is affecting you, won't pretend to. But I wrote off Christmas and a chunk of January.

atb

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 22:49

Hope you feel better soon,

Chris

User

Posted 24 Feb 2019 at 23:09

My advice is take up smoking

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 07:59

@Kentish - Thanks. I guess I need a sense of perspective. I have had so many bad things happen to me over my life that it is hard to do that sometomes.

@cb - I have a counsellor. The issue with this is my thinking errors. I have a wierd mindset that I worry badly in new situations. I;ve never had a post SRT review before so fill my head with all sorts of junk. Once it is over I will probably feel better.

@chris - Again, perspective. I lose it in new situations or ones out of my control. It is the last big bugbear in my head that I need to crack.

@Lynn - Gave up 20 years. Damned if I will go back.

I feel like a wuss moaning about this. I just need to shut up and nut up.

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 09:41

Pete

To those who know me of this forum, they will know of a man who, in a pique of curiosity, completely changed his whole life two years ago by leaving a devoted wife of 34 years, losing two grown up daughters in the process to live with a first girlfriend in another country, a person who has had more demons than the devil himself and who knows his way around a red flag better than Trotsky.

You say that you want to perhaps change career because you feel a need to have a sense of meaning to your life. I do not subscribe to that theory. Even the great and the good in our nation’s history are mostly forgotten men. There is no meaning or purpose in this life except to breathe it - to be a good man, raise a family with children who have good values and when you eventually leave having made the best of the life you were given. It should be for nobody else to judge but you.

Forget expectation. No one is expecting you to prove that your life had purpose. We must reconcile that imponderable ourselves. For some, it may just mean bimbling through life, not achieving much and being happy. For others, it is being recognised for an achievement. For most, it is the former, not the latter.

I have no advice except to restrict alcohol and caffeine intake, both of which affect sleep and mood - and to continue if you have confidence, in counselling. You will not find the meaning of life if you do these things - but you will feel easier about living the remainder of it on your terms - terms of acceptance of your lot and that, compared to millions of others who do not reach our age, we boys have done pretty well. Not the best by far, but not a bad job.

Sleep easy.

Bazza

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 11:32

Bazza

Although I have given up caffeine, I have to confess I have been drinking a bit too much, Honestly, I suspect that is at the root of it.

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 11:33

Hi Pete, and others…

I fully understand where you are coming from. I too am really struggling with the mental issues. I had some trauma in my childhood and the diagnosis / HT has for some reason made me run through it all again even though it was all put away in a box. So I am now learning how those traumas affected the way I think/act now. My counsellor is doing her best – poor thing!

It certainly seems that if you’ve had some issues/traumas in the past then we do suffer more. I can’t even offer any advice as I am no nearer feeling better myself. Just counting down the days when I can come of this shitty HT injection.

Strangely it is comforting to know I’m not alone in feeling like this. I am contemplating upping the Mirtazapine to 30mg but I am worried about how sleepy they will make me feel.

Funny that you say that the battle inside your brain is almost harder that the PCa battle. I fully get that and wish I could get over it and think more about the future but I suppose we find it frightening to look forward too much.

I wish you all the luck in moving forward.

Phil

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 11:51

I was joking about the fags

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 12:38

Just to mention that upping Mirtazapine does not improve sleep. It becomes more of an anti depressant at higher doses

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 13:42

@GH - good and bad we are in the same boat. My counsellor is earning her fee too! You are right about looking forward. I think I need to take it one day at a time and count my blessings.

@Lynn - I know but the thought of going back to that disgusting habit just triggered me. I have flashbacks to walking into pubs six months after giving up and getting hit by a wall of stale beer and stale smoke and realising I used to smell like that!

@Chris - I use low dose trazodone. It helps with sleep and heart rate but at higher doses acts like a sledgehammer.

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 13:43

Phil

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 14:42

Hope all goes well tomorrow.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 15:38

Cheers Chris

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 16:51

Can't get past lunchtime without caffiene, can't get past dinner without wine, I have never been happier!! Certainly not giving either up...

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 18:57

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Bazza

Although I have given up caffeine, I have to confess I have been drinking a bit too much, Honestly, I suspect that is at the root of it.

P

Ditto in January, mostly after or during listening to the wrong music. Cutting back now. On the beer and the wrong music.

And I've found zero alcohol beer. All the taste*, all the sensation* of beer without the alcohol related after effects.

Haver you considered or tried low or no alcohol options? Just a thought that might help, it's helped me.

atb

dave

* "almost all" ;-)

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 19:51

I assume that the wrong kind of music means anything but C & W? :)

I've tried low alchohol booze - all the calories, none of the fun for me :) I just need to cut down and be sensible. I do find my head space gers better after a few dry weeks.

User

Posted 25 Feb 2019 at 21:48

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

CB

I assume that the wrong kind of music means anything but C & W? :)

How did you guess? Late 2013, after my op, out to get refreshment, Sunday afternoon C & W on Radio Northampton, heard This Cowboys Hat - Chris Le Doux. Excellent song, went home, U tubed his music, excellent. Googled him, he had died. He left some excellent C & W music though, and not all sad.

Music doesn't get to me as deep as it used to, or as often as it used to, but on occasion..OOPS....!

I hope that your personal clouds pass soon.

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

Join the online community now.

Click through to become a member and gain access to support, information and real time replies.

Notification

Join the online community now.