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Suicide

User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 17:10

have begun chemo. disgnosed with leg dvt on the day so six months of heparin injections await. please read my updated profile. if i had the coursge to sink the boxes of morphine i have, id be out this sorry life in a shot" im done

Nine years since DX.


I am Spartacus - with the strength of iron, a will of steel and the fight to give this disease a real run for its money.

User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 23:04

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member


have begun chemo. disgnosed with leg dvt on the day so six months of heparin injections await. please read my updated profile. if i had the coursge to sink the boxes of morphine i have, id be out this sorry life in a shot" im done



Well Bazza,  I've not always agreed with everything you have wrote.  


Nonetheless, your "if I had the coursge" etc, shows your actual current mindset and real courage. 


The fact that you are reaching out here, have not taken the meds, shows that you have the true courage, fortitude, stubbornness , call it what you will, not to take your life, or try to. 


Would I suggest you call the Samaritans?  No.  


As part of their spiel they will ask if you have considered suicide?  Imagine, if you had not considered it, and it is then introduced as a viable option?


So, I'd invite you to think on this:


Every new dawn is preceded by darkness.   No matter how dark that darkness a new dawn follows.


Be there for yours matey.


You have a pm.  Call  any time.


dave 

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)
User
Posted 22 Jan 2019 at 10:42

Thank you to all those kind and concerned souls who offered comfort and a response in my hour of need. I did not take the morphine nor make a telephone call. i just waited it out. Life won.


These troubles will hit me again, no doubt. Thank you one and all.


Bazza


 

Nine years since DX.


I am Spartacus - with the strength of iron, a will of steel and the fight to give this disease a real run for its money.

User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 19:06
Bazza

Your post of the 24th Dec

"For those including myself who believe that 2019 might be their last year, let’s confound the effing critics and win the day!"

Keep fighting and keep winning

Ray



Show Most Thanked Posts
User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 17:21
Tell your lovely bride how you are feeling so that she can lock the morphine away.

Phone the PCUK nurses to check out anything you are not sure about from the French medical staff.

Phone the Samaritans.

Keep talking to anyone / everyone that can listen.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 17:32
Hi Bazza

The moderators are concerned about you and would like to make sure you have access to support. We would suggest you speak to your doctor as soon as possible especially if you are feeling desperate or having suicidal thoughts.

You can call the Samaritans on 116 123 any time day or night. And, you can also call our Specialist Nurses on 0800 074 8383, Monday-Friday 9am-6pm, Wed 10am-8pm They would be very happy to talk to you and can discuss all aspects of your treatment.

We know you will find a great deal of support from the online community.

Best Wishes

Moderation Team
Prostate Cancer UK
User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 17:38
Hi Bazza

If you are in France; you may find the following link helpful if you need to talk:

https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=FR

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/how-our-service-helps/other-sources-help/outside-uk-or-ireland

Take Care

Moderation Team
User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 17:59
Hi Bazza
Please stay strong ,life is so short please try to make the most of it, I feel so sorry that you are suffering as you are but please talk to someone,the doctors, nurses or Samaritans. big hugs xxxxx
User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 18:51

Hi Bazza. You can get through this tough patch. Keep talking to your friends on here like Lyn , Chris  and everyone. 


Ann

Edited by member 18 Jan 2019 at 18:52  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 19:06
Bazza

Your post of the 24th Dec

"For those including myself who believe that 2019 might be their last year, let’s confound the effing critics and win the day!"

Keep fighting and keep winning

Ray



User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 20:40
Bazza

I know things seem dark today but don’t forget you’ve been incredibly brave and are an example to us all. Just hang on through this dark patch and you’ll be back in that fighting frame soon. Please remember we are all thinking of you.

PP
User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 20:51

Think about all the reasons you want to keep fighting, the people you love and everything you still love about life. Keep a list of phone numbers  with you always and agree to ring those numbers when you need support. Remember everyone has up and down days - consider sharing your fears and feelings with your GP or a member of your care team. Thinking of you. My guy has has it for 8 years. It gets tough sometimes but there are still good days.

User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 21:12

Come on Bazza, its a tough one i know but don’t give up. We are going through some hard times right now too but i would never want John to throw the towel in while there is still fun to be had. Please get some help.


love Devonmaid


xxxxx 

User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 22:18

Bazza , Only those who are in the same boat as you will really understand how you really feel , I am now terminal have been for the last 18 months ,
I am not in any pain , just had my 70th Birthday , Every day is a bonus , I am on eight Pads a day , shrunken penis , no erections last eight years , my wife is 56 she looks after me, never makes any demands on me {no Sex} I have thought through every way to take my own life , Car exhaust , Pills , Hanging , I consider myself to be lucky to be where I am to day and every day is a bonus , I know you are a lot younger than me , But I think you still have a way to go , Chemo is not to bad I was able to still go to work ,time for those thoughts later on ,Good luck


Barry

Edited by member 18 Jan 2019 at 22:18  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 18 Jan 2019 at 22:33
Christ Barry that disheartens me to the core. I know we are all different but no way do I want to be like that. I can’t believe I could even exist like that and don’t want to to be honest. I reckon I’ll go the quicker route.
Bazza I’m so sorry. Don’t know what to say. No words I’m afraid but I get you. I think the same sometimes.

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 04:03

Bazza, 


We're all here for you. 


Please try not to let those thoughts overwelm you. 


I have had periods of feeling very low at times when everything seems to be going wrong for me.  I left home once with the intention of taking my own life by taking all my supplies of medication at once.  I'm so pleased I didn't now and am so grateful to the stranger I talked to who helped me through that difficult time.


I hope you can find a way through this and feel happier again. 


Steve 

Edited by member 19 Jan 2019 at 04:04  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 09:42

Bazza, you have been an inspiration to Newbies like me. I am finding it difficult on the HT and have some dark days. Anti depressants have helped along with counselling.


I read some of the journeys on here and it makes me realise how lucky i am to be alive. Was sat in a Pub in Notting Hill yesterday, said to wife, a year ago I wasnt sure where i'd be in a year, but here i am. 


Please keep fighting on , you are one of the reasons i buck myself up sometimes when the HT dark days come.


Thinking of you,  as we all are.


Phil

User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 10:14
Keep on fighting Bazza, show that Spartacus steel, you're still a young man. If you throw in the towel there ain't much hope for us old gimmers.
User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 12:26

Bazza, I'm with Lyn, ChriS, PP, Devonmaid, Steve, and everyone else.


I can't add anything other than saying you are an inspiration and you will get through this.


Thinking about you,


Ian

User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 13:44
Barry I know there are language barriers where you are but speak to your wife about how you are feeling. Failing that pick the phone up to a friend, old work colleague, Samaritans.

We are all here for you

Bri
User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 18:35

Sweet bejeezus Bazza


 


what a post m8? filled me with alarm. you have a long way to go yet mate, please try and keep your chin up and get over the current awfulness of your situation. 


I hope you can reply here as we sre all concermed about you pal


 


best wishes


Bill

User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 18:50

Bazza


We often see the journey of this illness being likened to being on a roller coaster. From personal experience for no apparent reason you will soon be traveling back to the top of the ride.


Thanks Chris

User
Posted 19 Jan 2019 at 23:04

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member


have begun chemo. disgnosed with leg dvt on the day so six months of heparin injections await. please read my updated profile. if i had the coursge to sink the boxes of morphine i have, id be out this sorry life in a shot" im done



Well Bazza,  I've not always agreed with everything you have wrote.  


Nonetheless, your "if I had the coursge" etc, shows your actual current mindset and real courage. 


The fact that you are reaching out here, have not taken the meds, shows that you have the true courage, fortitude, stubbornness , call it what you will, not to take your life, or try to. 


Would I suggest you call the Samaritans?  No.  


As part of their spiel they will ask if you have considered suicide?  Imagine, if you had not considered it, and it is then introduced as a viable option?


So, I'd invite you to think on this:


Every new dawn is preceded by darkness.   No matter how dark that darkness a new dawn follows.


Be there for yours matey.


You have a pm.  Call  any time.


dave 

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)
User
Posted 20 Jan 2019 at 12:03
Dear Barry,

It's all been said (and said well). You know you have our support not to mention our undivided attention now!!

All I would add, is think of how hard you fought to be with the love of your life. You had courage then, you've had courage right through your fight.

I hope you can find just a little more to help you over this very rough place in your life. Don't let the effort of being with your love be wasted.
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 21 Jan 2019 at 20:11

Bazza, I see that you have been checking in regularly even though you haven't posted so I am sure that people here will be relieved to know you are hanging in there.


The two links from Meg are useful, I think (but what hope is there if even staff at PCUK can't make the hyperlinks work!!!)


https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=FR 


https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/how-our-service-helps/other-sources-help/outside-uk-or-ireland 



I am hopeful that crisis is over for now?

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 22 Jan 2019 at 10:42

Thank you to all those kind and concerned souls who offered comfort and a response in my hour of need. I did not take the morphine nor make a telephone call. i just waited it out. Life won.


These troubles will hit me again, no doubt. Thank you one and all.


Bazza


 

Nine years since DX.


I am Spartacus - with the strength of iron, a will of steel and the fight to give this disease a real run for its money.

User
Posted 22 Jan 2019 at 11:01

Well done to you. Sometimes we surprise ourselves with the strength inside. We can be stronger than we think . i recall Lynn telling me that some time ago.


Keep believing in yourself and maybe you can surprise yourself again. Hopefully it wont hit you so hard next time .


Best of luck, hang in there.


Phil

User
Posted 22 Jan 2019 at 12:16

Glad to hear from you again.   You had me worried there but have limited wifi here in Thailand so couldn't post before now. You inspired me so much when I joined the forum in 2016 following dad's diagnosis .  Sadly his fight was short lived and brutal and I wouldn't have blamed him if he had checked out earlier.   However I have followed your story with fascination and was pleased for your new life in France despite some sympathy for your first wife (I am a wife of 34 years so I  really felt for her).  Life is too short to be unhappy though .   Keep fighting Bazza.   Take care xx

User
Posted 22 Jan 2019 at 13:11
And this is what we do best here :-)
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 22 Jan 2019 at 14:29

Great relief to hear from you again Bazza.


Glad you've let things pass.


 

User
Posted 22 Jan 2019 at 17:43

Thanks Bazza  


You've made my day.


If people have never felt that way you did they could never really understand what it feels like  


Thanks for letting us know. 


We're always here for you. 


Steve 

User
Posted 22 Jan 2019 at 18:08
Get a glass of red down you to celebrate!

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
User
Posted 23 Jan 2019 at 08:00

Bazza, as Steve implies some people don't get the mental issues with the HT and don't have the dark days some of us get. They are hard to deal with i know. Everyone is different and i know mine is partly caused by a difficult childhood that has been brought back by the HT and i have to deal with that, and obviously thoughts of where will we be in a year or two.


I feel that for every dark day we get through we get stronger, and i try to count my blessings.


Try to celebrate every day that you wake up ( especially with the one you love ) as if its a bonus...


I am sure you can get through this dark period.


I wish you all the best.


Phil

User
Posted 23 Jan 2019 at 09:02
Today is officially a good day 😎
User
Posted 27 Jan 2019 at 21:01

So glad to hear from you as you had me worried. Keep fighting and be kind to yourself. we all have bad days and tough times. My hope is that your days ahead will be brighter as life is such a gift. Stay strong hon xxxx

Debbie xxx
User
Posted 27 Jan 2019 at 22:01

Big love to you Bazza, hard times i know but you have friends here


love Devonmaid 

 
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