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Keeping up appearances

Posted 20 Mar 2019 at 10:33

I've just come out of a really bad flu bug which lasted nearly two weeks and it put a real dampener on my feelings as I could barely think let alone act.

As a result, its got to my wife as she needed to help more than usual.

We've been a bit tetchy at each other as a result and she admitted yesterday she was tired and depressed because of the whole cancer thing.

I blame myself because I have not been able to put on the necessary "its only a scratch" face any where near as often as I should have in this whole damn journey.

Even with the good news about my numbers I am still fretting about the long term and am finding it hard to re-engage with life.

I am working on accepting my likely fate but that is a long term challenge.

How does one "fake it until you make it" without letting the cracks show, I wonder?


Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 06:49
Personally, I think it is unhealthy to try to put on a 'it's only a scratch' face - but you are not to blame for your wife's low mood. There are good reasons for PCa being known as the couples' disease - and I guess any cancer diagnosis is upsetting and frightening for partners and family members anyway.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 07:56

Understand completely where you are coming from Pete. My wife is suffering along with me so i also try to keep the bad thoughts away, for her sake. when i feel like i just want to sit and cry i go pop a couple of Kalms. i have also doubled my anti-depressant pills. its tempting to disappear into a bottle of wine but that only makes things worse.

I find exercise is great for lifting the mood.

I am dreaming of my last injection of the damned Prostap in October and subsequent return to some kind of normality. Fingers crossed my PCa does not return at any time soon......

Wish you all the best.


Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 08:18

Totally agree that it is a disease that affects both in a relationship. We have been through a lot and both have some days when it gets rough but in many ways we value every little moment of fun we can have.Everything has changed in some ways but we are thankful for the care my oh has had with Radiotherapy, ht then a little respite with no treatment when life was at near normal and now aberatitone with steroid and zoladex which means monthly visits to clinic. Each blood test brings on the jitters and I am always amazed by how my oh handles it. I do get worried when I read posts on here as we have probably not delved into the intracacies of t scores etc but just go on psa results which seem to be the best indication for my oh. I do secretly dread what may happen but we have learned to live in the moment. Yesterday we managed a four mile walk with no ill effects and are thankful all the time.  May you have blessings every day. 


Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 08:57

My wife and I have been there too. I worry about the effect the PCa has on her.

It’s there all the time even although we rarely speak about it until appointments or blood tests are near. On a more positive we try to get away on holidays, go out for meals and really enjoy time together too. 

Lyn has put it very well.




Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 11:29
It's an interesting conundrum, we all know we are mortal but it takes a life threatening illness to really bring it home.

I like to think I am now through the "oh s*** I'm going to die" phase and am in the "just get on and enjoy it". This maybe because I am currently in remission and apart from a slightly limp dick all is OK.

I disagree with Lynn about the brave face though because no one enjoys being with someone who is morbid and stuck in a rut. It's about getting the balance right so you get the moral support you need while not dragging your other half down.

Clearly I'm no expert given my history but my soon to be wife is a revelation.

Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 17:35
It is a balance I know.

Something clicked today as to why I feel like this.

My wife has stuck with me through a lot of my problems with depression and whatnot for a very long time and I feel so guilty loading this on top of her.

After years of not being the best me I could be I was finally getting somewhere and being a better person then this came along. I feel cheated and angry that I'll probably leave this world with more time in my marriage as an idiot than not with not much I can do about it. All i can do is try and make up in quality what I have failed in quantity.

Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 17:44
A diamond ring would probably do it :-))

A girls best friend

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 17:55

I would just get an ear bashing for wasting money 😀😀

Posted 21 Mar 2019 at 19:02

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I would just get an ear bashing for wasting money 😀😀

Then blame Chris J.  A man you have never met.  Who suggested you spend thousands on a ring. So you did.  She might think you're a bit East Ham* and take pity on you? 

I blame Chris J for everything I get wrong/do wrong/think wrong.  I gotta stop making lemonade in supermarket aisles.  



* work it out 

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)
Posted 22 Mar 2019 at 00:02

My next door neighbour unintentionally gave me knowledge of how my wife was affected last time I had a cancer.  So this time I don't say much about it to my wife although I tell her news and take her with me to any appointments. 

Because of that occasion I haven't told anyone at all because they ask questions of you or your wife just when you've put it to the back of your mind.  It's like you have a shadow but this time that shadow is brought out only by me.

I admit that sometimes reading on here I think my problems are nothing and I'm embarrassed to complain.

Posted 22 Mar 2019 at 08:03

PPete, you really know how to strike a nerve don't you. I feel the same. I try to remember that i am very fragile so to understand my feelings better but if I open up to my wife she tells me i need to think of the good things and that she isn't going anywhere and that my counselor maybe isn't doing her job and i need to find another one. I couldn't do that. I couldn't go through telling my history again, it was too difficult the first time, and I need a woman to talk to (don't trust men - historical).

I suppose all our wives are different just like we are and are dealing with it differently. I try to be positive but its hard and I think a lot of that is down to the HT. I try not to think about how things might be if i get recurrence and was very poorly. Not sure how she would cope, or me for that matter.

I see my counselor next week and i'm going to ask more about trying to get over this feeling of uselessness and that i am a burden (currently just the mental) and not to worry so much about the future. I have G9 so more chance for recurrence than some.......

Unfortunately i spend a lot of time with my counselor going over old sh*t from my childhood so maybe i consciously need to start to leave that alone and move forward. She says i am frightened to look forward.

Blimey, isn't life complicated......

Sorry if I have not been much help but you are not alone in this. There are i'm sure many men feeling the same. Some are maybe stronger than us, some just battle through on their hands and knees like us .

(you can pm me if you want)

Peter's place, yeah maybe for some people its OK to not tell anyone but its too late now for me. I suppose you have to find what works for you. Good luck.


Posted 22 Mar 2019 at 08:21
don't forget counselors just ask more questions they don't give you answers to anything. If you still feel you can't talk about your old shirt it means the councillor hasn't done their job!! So as usual your wife is right!!
Posted 22 Mar 2019 at 08:39


I am beginning to understand more now of the process of counseling. They keep going till you see the answer yourself. So i am intending to ask her direct about how to start helping myself more. I don't want to be like this, as I'm sure ProstatePete doesn't. And i saw it mentioned about feeling like a fraud. Well i've been lucky so far so i feel like I should be overjoyed, but its not happening in the head ...........

I suppose we will get there in the end. Just don't feel like it at the moment......

And yes the wife is always right .....

Sorry PP didn't mean to hi-jack the thread.



Posted 22 Mar 2019 at 11:20
@Countryboy - LOL but I still have not worked out "East Ham"!

@Peter's Place - I can see why you do that. Problem is that if you clam up too much you get grief for not sharing feeeelings :) I know what you mean about our situations - it could be far worse yet I am moaning like a real wuss. I just need to process it and move on.

@Goalhanger - Sorry to hear you are in a similar boat. One good thing is that we can talk here to get it off our chests. Regarding talking to your counsellor about helping yourself more. A good idea. Perhaps work with her to rebuild a set of goals for you to work to? I think you hit it on the head about "we should be happy but aren't". I wonder if it is because we have been stuck in treatment for so long that it is hard to let go?

@Goalhanger / Francij - Counselling is more complicated than just "getting over part of your life". If you spend time talking about the past, there is probably good reason for it. Resolving those issues will help with looking forward. Being asked questions is better than being told because the answers then come from you. That being said, it does need conscious effort to change our thinking. It can be a long process.

Posted 22 Mar 2019 at 12:04

@Countryboy - LOL but I still have not worked out "East Ham"!


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