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feeling suffocated, helpless and confused about what’s happening with my marriage

User
Posted 08 May 2019 at 23:00

First I’ll apologise for my long post. In November we found out my husband may have prostate cancer. After biopsies, scans etc it was confirmed just after Christmas. He then underwent a radical prostatectomy on March 19th and a couple of weeks ago the consultant said surgery was successful and that for now we could worry less but will have psa blood tests every 3 months to keep an eye on any changes. It was at this point I finally cried. The relief was just immense. Since then things have become really rocky. My husband seems to have suddenly gone downhill. Every day I’ve woken up worried about which version of him I would be faced with. It’s all come to a head today. Last night we took our 12 year old to his first music concert to see Olly Murs. It should have been fun happy and amazing but the atmosphere between us was awful. I suddenly felt suffocated and left the venue before concert even began. A friend came to pick me up and we went for a coffee until concert finished. I’m sorry I’ve upset my son and also my oldest one too, he’s 20. They are both terrified that we are going to split up. I woke this morning thinking time apart was what’s needed but we have decided to stay albeit in separate rooms. We have spoken. I think the issue is that he’s not spoken to anyone, counsellor, friend, even me, about how the whole thing has affected him and changed him as a person. I think last night I just couldn’t take any more. He has now today called the prostate cancer nurse who is going to arrange some counselling for him. When we got the news that surgery was a success we should have been so happy and start to focus on being a family again and not living in the cancer bubble. I know it’s changed him physicality and mentally but I don’t know how to carry on with how things are. I don’t want us to split up. We are only 47 and the boys are 12 and 20 but I know if he isn’t able to sort his head out this will just bubble away until we have another situation like we have today. I’m not sure if my post even makes sense but if it does and there is anyone who also felt their relationship crumbling I would be so grateful for some advice. I know we can’t move forward until he faces up to the cancer and how it’s affected  him but i don’t know what to do or how to be in the meantime xx     

User
Posted 09 May 2019 at 11:05
Speaking as someone whose wife left 6 months after surgery you need to be sure you are not using the PC as an excuse.

Both of you need to be honest about what you want out of the rest of your life.. If it still includes each other you will work it out, if it doesn't you won't.

User
Posted 10 May 2019 at 07:40

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

What a selfish man  letting his 12 years old boy to suffer!!!

It's not that simple.

I suspect DR was being a little tongue-in-cheek. 

Claudia, perhaps you will benefit most from counselling at the moment - the PCUK nurses may be able to help you see this from your husband’s point of view. 

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

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User
Posted 09 May 2019 at 06:46
Really sorry to hear what you are going through. You certainly aren’t the first wife to voice huge concerns over their marriage post surgery or during hormone therapy etc. You haven’t mentioned at all whether he is now completely impotent which is the norm post surgery for a very good while , nor whether he is continent. Both these things can affect a man and his mood and his confidence like a bullet through the heart quite frankly , and they just lock themselves in their cave both mentally and physically. They can both be overcome as a real team effort. Some couples are brought closer together despite the issues. Wishing you all the luck. Has he had ED clinic follow up ?

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User
Posted 09 May 2019 at 07:41
Ps I was 48 at surgery. Click my picture and read my profile. You can get through this but lots of communication needed

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User
Posted 09 May 2019 at 11:05
Speaking as someone whose wife left 6 months after surgery you need to be sure you are not using the PC as an excuse.

Both of you need to be honest about what you want out of the rest of your life.. If it still includes each other you will work it out, if it doesn't you won't.

User
Posted 09 May 2019 at 17:07

I am sorry that you and your husband have had to deal with the bombshell of pc at such an early age. We were in our early sixties when we had my oh diagnosis on a Christmas eve. Your emotions will be very confused still and although the surgery was successful, he knows that he now faces a future of being monitored for psa changes and that in itself is hard to accept. There are many fears that both of you may have in the background. 

The important thing is to identify what changes there are - there is an element of grief after diagnosis that needs to be worked through. We were lucky in that we have always been good friends and although we couldn't continue our life as it was, we have developed new interests and are  trying to create new adventures and to do what we can when we can.

Would your oh have enjoyed the concert before his diagnosis and have you ever had your feelings of suffocation before?  It can all be a part of anxiety and it is important to say how you feel even if it feels odd to you. Counselling may help you both to come to terms with all of this and your life together can be just as good as before if not better. 

 

User
Posted 09 May 2019 at 22:43

What a selfish man  letting his 12 years old boy to suffer!!!

 

User
Posted 09 May 2019 at 23:19

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

What a selfish man  letting his 12 years old boy to suffer!!!

It's not that simple.

He is probably struggling in his mind with how to cope with his anger and grief for his bodily loss, worrying about the future (job, money, other things), and has ended up under a lot of stress, and probably depressed too. Too many things piling up and unable to think through them logically. Claudia will be under the same pressures too. That they would never normally do this is a sure sign of the extreme pressure they're under, and almost certainly not selfishness at all.

I hope counseling helps, and Claudia, it may be useful for you too.

Claudia, when I read your two main posts, I felt like I wanted to give you all a big hug to make it all better, but of course that wouldn't work. I really hope the counseling does. Thinking of you all.

Edited by member 10 May 2019 at 14:42  | Reason: spelling

User
Posted 10 May 2019 at 01:44
A lot depends on how much allowance each of you is prepared to make for the changed circumstances and attitudes and whether with some professional help you can work towards a situation that makes the marriage worth continuing with. It might never again be quite what it was previously or at least for quite a time, but quite a number of couples affected by PCa and it's treatment make allowances and work towards a situation that is acceptable to each other. For some, this works and for others less so but always worth you both getting independent professional advice and both discussing personal details and feelings honestly and in detail. As it is, hubby might feel somewhat upset that the situation is being made public if he is aware of this.

I very much hope you can work your way through this.

Barry
User
Posted 10 May 2019 at 07:40

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

What a selfish man  letting his 12 years old boy to suffer!!!

It's not that simple.

I suspect DR was being a little tongue-in-cheek. 

Claudia, perhaps you will benefit most from counselling at the moment - the PCUK nurses may be able to help you see this from your husband’s point of view. 

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 11 May 2019 at 00:46
"I suspect DR was being a little tongue-in-cheek" The very phrase that occurred to me.

I don't think anybody wishes to be judgemental here. We are not privy to all the facts and personal feelings raised. The direct impact of his situation is on the affected man but the incidence is on his wife.

If the marriage has been a good one it is surely worth both partners being extra tolerant, at least for some time to see how the marriage can be normalized as much as possible. As far as sex is concerned it reminds me of a converse situation that sometimes arises after a woman has given birth and is put off having further sex. I think the general advice in this situation was for the man to be tolerant and not to try to force his partner into a sexual act against her wishes. The advice was to try to rebuild that part of the relationship initially by kind words, a look, a squeeze of the hand, a cuddle, a brief kiss and so on until the partner was hopefully ready to participate in a greater sexual experience. But full sex is only a part of a good marriage/partnership and many couples through choice or circumstances manage a good relationship without it temporarily or permanently and there are other ways of showing affection without penetration.

We don't know from the husband's perspective how happy he really was with the marriage prior to his diagnosis and treatment and whether PCa was a tipping situation or is just a temporary aberration attributable entirely due to PCa. If a professional skilled in marriage problems cannot help, perhaps it would be worth him seeing a psychologist at some point.

I do hope it can work out for you even if it takes some time, tolerance and forbearance.

Barry
User
Posted 11 May 2019 at 01:08

I did not mean to offend anybody but seems.....I did it! I'm very deeply sorry it's just.....family is important...regardless how much we suffer...(seems he is getting great support from his family /wife )

Yes he is a young man which is sad...to go through all these troubles at a young age must have been very depressing...saying that doesn't matter how much he is suffering there is no reason to ignore close family members! Especially a young age child needs more support than him during these difficult times in his family history. 

He is alive he is getting great support from his wife/family he will be okay surely in the future but a child will be carrying his childhoods experience in his mind forever. 

I wish that I have a family like him than not to worry about anything really that's included sex life too.

I would give cuddles to my wife and children every day I would thank them for their support and tell them how much I love them deeply. 

Yes in the past on this website I was moaning about lack of sex experiences etc after my RP surgery operation but..I wouldn't swap my family , my kids for anything and wouldn't let  that cancer issues to destroy my children's life .

Once again I'm very sorry if I upset anyone. 

Maybe I'm a sad man for not to have a decent family life maybe that's why I over reacted. 

D.R

User
Posted 11 May 2019 at 07:17
I think you have misread the story DR. I can’t see anything about the dad ignoring his sons or not being close to them? It was the mum who walked out of the birthday treat, not the dad.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 11 May 2019 at 09:00

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
I think you have misread the story DR. I can’t see anything about the dad ignoring his sons or not being close to them? It was the mum who walked out of the birthday treat, not the dad.

Good Morning Saint Lynn

Ahhh Yes I just reread it again !!

ahhh I feel like an idiot now yes it was the other way :(

Poor man:(

I'm sorry and apologies to everybody on here.

Thanks for correcting me on this matter.

XXXXXI AM VERY SORRYXXXX

Ps.I wont do it again!!I promise!

D.R

 

 
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