So, bad news has never been this bad for me. Myself and Jo are devastated.
Had a CT scan this morning after finishing chemo on 23rd April. My scan previous to that was on 29th March and indicated PSA 50% lower at 19, three of the four lymph nodes reduced and all indications that chemo had done a good job.
Fast forward to today, all lymph’s massively increased, PSA rocketed to 90. In the words of the oncologist, huge progression with a projected death timeframe of within one year.
There are no further treatment options here, just palliative pain relief.
I am devastated. No, we are both devastated and the tears haven’t stopped flowing. I don’t know how to cope. Spartacus’ time for battle will soon be over. I am just devastated having found my one true love again so late in life, to be leaving her again so soon. This wasn’t in the script.
It’s really weird you know. When I first joined this forum back in 2010, I was so alone, so vulnerable, so uninformed. Yet great men saw me through my darkest moments, many of whom new members may not know: SpursSpark, Alathys, a number of Barry’s and others too numerous to mention. Over the years, I watched them bravely, stoically move on to that great place in the sky never once dreaming I may face the same fate. I was always going to beat this disease - yet deep down, I knew that I wasn’t. Still, as long as I had the friends on here: men much more experienced than I to advise and console, I knew I’d be alright. Well, I’ve kind of reached that stage now myself having hopefully helped a few over the years, all the old names moved on and just Bazza being a remnant of the past. Who knows? I may still last a few more years - yet the odds against my doing so decrease as time passes. Today, I feel just as alone, afraid and vulnerable as I once was all those years ago - yet also bouyed in the knowledge that I have lasted almost ten years since diagnosis and even in a time where drug treatments have improved, that’s no mean feat.
Time will move on as time it must and in years to come, maybe some will remember me as I have remembered those who helped me so much. I hope they do. I have always tried not to interfere nor be a blanket poster, choosing my moments to post and on occasions, unashamedly posting about my own fears. But I know that in doing so, just the fact of wearing my heart in my sleeve as I invariably do, I have helped some others take or deal with their own demons.
Today has been a day of sad news for me personally, yet I know that in the long line of men out there, I am among many. Each will find levels of bravery and stoicism they never thought possible, many will also be scared as children. I waved between both. All I will say, to old and new, men and their ladies whose paths I have crossed and mine theirs, celebrate life when you can with those you love, smile but also spend time crying loudly for crying is a great antioxidant for the soul. Cry oceans if you have to. But whatever you do, breathe in the fragrance of each new day filling it with whatever floats your boat, whether that’s watching mindless TV, working, gardening, holidaying, travelling or some such. Just do your thing and let cancer call at your door after you have ignored the doorbell as many times as you dare. Thank you.
Edited by member 28 May 2019 at 17:45
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