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Incredibly sad

User
Posted 28 May 2019 at 15:12

I’m really writing this to get it off my chest but would welcome advice from anyone in a similar position.

I have been on HT since diagnosis in 2016 and always will be.  Whilst this has made a difference to my libido it’s still there and I can still achieve an erection. Great you may think but my wife lost sexual desire years ago.  

We are still both deeply in love with one another and kiss & cuddle regularly but I still feel the same about her emotionally and sexually as I did when she was nineteen - she’s sixty six now, and I desperately wish we were still having sex.  This is making me very sad and tears are a regular outcome.  

I have had my dose of Sertraline increased by my GP on the advice of a psychiatrist and have had CBT sessions with a psychologist and have been advised that part of the emotionality will be down to the HT.

I haven’t been totally upfront will everybody though as I’ve said that it’s overwhelming intense feelings for Chris that are causing the tears etc.  This is true but the sexual aspect is a major part as well.  I know I should admit this but I know that will upset Chris and make her feel bad and I can’t bring myself to do that.

Thanks for reading this.

Dave

User
Posted 28 May 2019 at 17:04

It's good that you have support from a psychologist.

Could it be that your wife doesn't want to pressure you into sex, fearing that PCa might mean you can't perform and depress you further, but actually you would both like the same thing without realising it? Ultimately, you will need to find a way to communicate, to discover what the issue is. Maybe approaching the subject without indicating it's a big issue for you initially, giving her the opportunity to say from her side without fearing she's letting you down - perhaps approach it like you're worried you are letting her down, and you don't want to do that.

Another suggestion is to call the specialist nurse number at the top of this page. Most of the calls they get are for emotional issues, and they may have some helpful ideas on how to do this, or where to get advice.

I think your issue is not uncommon in non-PCa couples. I'm sure others will be along with suggestions too.

Edited by member 28 May 2019 at 17:23  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 28 May 2019 at 18:06
Hi Andy,

Thanks for the reply. My wife lost sexual desire many years ago, long before I was diagnosed with PCa. She’s the same kind, funny, affectionate & beautiful person she’s always been. Just not sexual any more and I miss everything about sex so much, especially now.

Dave

User
Posted 29 May 2019 at 06:51
Hi Davywis,

I am sorry to read that you and your wife apparently view some aspects of your relationship differently. And I appreciate your wish to protect your wife from the potential hurt to her that having that discussion with her may bring about. Not going to second guess whether having it may help or whatever.

Please consider that this is a public forum, and you have a photo on your profile. Anyone can read this and see the photo, and she might be made aware by a n other. She might read this here? You may wish to remove the picture to regain some anonymity?

Talking to relevant experts helps some people. Mediation also helps some people. Not all, but maybe worth a try in your case?

atb

dave

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)
User
Posted 29 May 2019 at 08:09

As someone for whom sex was the most important element of my life ore PCa, can I say now from my particular ivory tower that nothing can ever compare to the intimacy of just sharing the same breathe as your soul mate. I wish you well in overcoming your demons but in time, you will come to see that all that matters is being alive and well and in love.

Ten. YES BLOODY 10 years since DX!!

I am Spartacus - with the strength of iron, a will of steel and the fight to give this disease a real run for its money!! 

User
Posted 29 May 2019 at 10:07

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
Hi Davywis,

I am sorry to read that you and your wife apparently view some aspects of your relationship differently. And I appreciate your wish to protect your wife from the potential hurt to her that having that discussion with her may bring about. Not going to second guess whether having it may help or whatever.

Please consider that this is a public forum, and you have a photo on your profile. Anyone can read this and see the photo, and she might be made aware by a n other. She might read this here? You may wish to remove the picture to regain some anonymity?

Talking to relevant experts helps some people. Mediation also helps some people. Not all, but maybe worth a try in your case?


atb

dave

Thanks for the suggestions.  I thought long and hard about posting this here but had forgotten totally about the photo. To my knowledge no one we know uses this forum but thanks - I’ll remove it.

I have been practicing meditation for coming up for a couple of years.  It does help but at the same time it also brings things from our life in the past into full clarity which makes things worse.

Dave

User
Posted 29 May 2019 at 10:33

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

As someone for whom sex was the most important element of my life ore PCa, can I say now from my particular ivory tower that nothing can ever compare to the intimacy of just sharing the same breathe as your soul mate. I wish you well in overcoming your demons but in time, you will come to see that all that matters is being alive and well and in love.

Thanks Bazza,

I love her more than life itself. Just being with her this last 47 years is far more important than sex but it still doesn’t stop me being upset at it’s demise.

I was so sorry to read your last post and wish you all the best.

Dave

User
Posted 08 Jul 2019 at 20:39
Thanks for posting this Dave, it help me to know I'm not alone with this problem

Chris

 
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