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Bazza musings June 2019

Posted 17 Jun 2019 at 14:45

So, the DVT is still in my left leg now worsened by the fact that growing cancer in pelvic lymph’s is blocking all pathways to normal lymph flow. Hence, lots of pain on walking and immobility.


I saw a brilliant radio therapist (never thought I’d say that about a French medic) the other day who plans to irradiate the cancer in the lymphs. He says a more than 60% chance it will reduce the lymph swelling and lessen pain.


After that,nth propose trying Abby although six years ago, I had Enza and in the UK, you can’t have both, just one. In France, they at least try.


I can handle the cancer. It’s my bloody leg I find so difficult to deal with. Bad days, good days, dry days, days with many tears. No support here but the PCA charity has good nurses whose ears they freely lend. 


I know I might be in a sinking ship but I honestly don’t feel like I’m anywhere near dying yet. Tomorrow, I have anDoppler scan to determine whether I can do the 1hr 50min flight to Croatia. If not, we have a plan B, lose money, don’t turn up at the airport but get in the car instead and do an overnight drive to Portugal via Spain. At least we’ll be able to get away.


Life is strange. Neither good nor really bad, it’s at that cusp where negativity can not help but win the argument, win the day, but we do not let it. We carry on. Our lives are not rip roaring exciting, plans are so,etching others are busy making for themselves, but we bimble along.


We’re doing the house up. We cannot and shouldn’t be buying a place with this shadow over us. We will make it nice, make it ours, make it a comfortable place for me to pass when the time comes. The finality of it all seems incredulous when, just year ago, we were dressed like hippies getting handfasted together in a field near a beautiful river. How time and ride takes it all away.


I love life. Life does not love me though. It gave me cancer at 46. I hate it and what it stole - but it will not steal my dignity nor will it take away the love I have for the woman I am married to. No, cancer can f**k right off there. 


Inside every new moon, there is a light with a power all of its own. Last night’s new moon spoke to me. It said, “go gently into the night, but not tonight, nor tomorrow night, nor even next month. You have time still to love, to learn, to do new things, to explore life on a different level. It’s what you need before your onward journey.” I will heed the advice of the moon and long this blasted life out for as much as I can wring from its grip. 

Posted 17 Jun 2019 at 18:26

I am sure some of your friends will be along to give their thoughts on your wonderful post. All I can say is You are indeed Spartacus.

Keep up the good fight. You are an inspiration.

Best Regards



Posted 17 Jun 2019 at 18:38
Live long Bazza. You have and always will do the right thing I reckon. You’ve gone with your gut and I admire that , as have I. Yes it’s an utter pr**ck getting this disease in our forties , but any man in their sixties would say the same. Bazza is hard to follow at the moment especially when I feel I’m only a year behind you. Sometimes scared , in pain , strong , confused , settled etc. But all your forum friends are here for you even if just listening and not posting. Thinking of you genuinely

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

Posted 17 Jun 2019 at 22:17
All the best Bazza - those were lovely words and I sincerely hope you have many more happy times ahead of you. Whatever age this cancer hits you the effect can be devastating and I am sorry you had it so young. We always remind ourselves that there are people who suffer far worse things and although life is limited and different it is still good. I hope you will find relief for the leg somehow and that everything goes well for you. sending prayers for good things for you and your good lady.
Posted 18 Jun 2019 at 00:24
Thank God for brilliant medics - RT to the lymph nodes might just do the trick ... fingers crossed for you.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

Posted 18 Jun 2019 at 01:44
Hope the RT works and alleviates your pain along with anything else that may be tried.
Posted 18 Jun 2019 at 08:48

Good luck Bazza, always a fighter.

I’ve listened to your struggles over the years and you are so open with your feelings - good or bad, it’s an inspiration.

Keep going man , you have some good times left I am sure.


Posted 18 Jun 2019 at 10:46

I hope the RT alleviates your pain Bazza and you get some mobility back.

Your words are wonderful, I am feeling a bit hopeless just now, but reading your post has lifted me again despite the underlying nature of this awful, cruel disease.

You are indeed Spartacus.




Posted 18 Jun 2019 at 20:46

Ah Bazza

Inspiring words, good on you old friend. I suppose one thing positive is that you are with the one you truly love, that’s worth a great deal though it’s bitter sweet,I know. I feel massive positivity in this post though, my darling John always says, I know it’s going to get me, but not yet.....times are hard for us but it’s not yet and may that stay the same for a good time to come. The world we live in requires us to work until 68, that means we all need to be healthy until then at least, 46 seems really mean, I’m so sorry, but you remain positive, fighting on, getting support where you can, go Bazza!

lots of love 

Devonmaid xxx

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