So, the DVT is still in my left leg now worsened by the fact that growing cancer in pelvic lymph’s is blocking all pathways to normal lymph flow. Hence, lots of pain on walking and immobility.
I saw a brilliant radio therapist (never thought I’d say that about a French medic) the other day who plans to irradiate the cancer in the lymphs. He says a more than 60% chance it will reduce the lymph swelling and lessen pain.
After that,nth propose trying Abby although six years ago, I had Enza and in the UK, you can’t have both, just one. In France, they at least try.
I can handle the cancer. It’s my bloody leg I find so difficult to deal with. Bad days, good days, dry days, days with many tears. No support here but the PCA charity has good nurses whose ears they freely lend.
I know I might be in a sinking ship but I honestly don’t feel like I’m anywhere near dying yet. Tomorrow, I have anDoppler scan to determine whether I can do the 1hr 50min flight to Croatia. If not, we have a plan B, lose money, don’t turn up at the airport but get in the car instead and do an overnight drive to Portugal via Spain. At least we’ll be able to get away.
Life is strange. Neither good nor really bad, it’s at that cusp where negativity can not help but win the argument, win the day, but we do not let it. We carry on. Our lives are not rip roaring exciting, plans are so,etching others are busy making for themselves, but we bimble along.
We’re doing the house up. We cannot and shouldn’t be buying a place with this shadow over us. We will make it nice, make it ours, make it a comfortable place for me to pass when the time comes. The finality of it all seems incredulous when, just year ago, we were dressed like hippies getting handfasted together in a field near a beautiful river. How time and ride takes it all away.
I love life. Life does not love me though. It gave me cancer at 46. I hate it and what it stole - but it will not steal my dignity nor will it take away the love I have for the woman I am married to. No, cancer can f**k right off there.
Inside every new moon, there is a light with a power all of its own. Last night’s new moon spoke to me. It said, “go gently into the night, but not tonight, nor tomorrow night, nor even next month. You have time still to love, to learn, to do new things, to explore life on a different level. It’s what you need before your onward journey.” I will heed the advice of the moon and long this blasted life out for as much as I can wring from its grip.