I'm interested in conversations about and I want to talk about
Know exactly what you want?
Show search



The Grim Reaper - Bazza

Posted 30 May 2020 at 02:41

Waiting for the Grim Reaper

I’m a cricket fanatic and ever since I can remember, Old Father Time, the weathervain has sat proudly atop my beloved Lords cricket ground. Stooped low, like a heavy grey cloud about to burst his being, long handled scythe in hand, OFT has quietly done his job without fear, favour or otherwise. To me, he has been a constant, referred to in quiet moments of game commentary and occasionally brought into shot as the camera pans across the ground.

Old Father Time also bears a striking resemblance to the Grim Reaper, that evil image of impending death. Recently, I have dreamt of both - fear of the latter and reverence to the former. I have wondered what my last moments, breath, seconds will be like. Will I be conscious, will I be aware of what’s going on, will my recently departed dad be there to hold my hand and guide me - or will I simply slide into a permanent cloud of silent black, all hearing , awareness and everything else gone?

It is the uncertainty we dying all face as we contemplate on our death bed that final moment. None of know but those with vivid imaginations frighten each other the most. I have the imaginings off a writer. Everywhere around me is pathos, drama. I lay during the day too exhausted to do anything else but sip cold drinks. I wish I could have a cold beer. My voice has completely abandoned me due to cancer’s invidious spread. When I call out for my wife, I have to beat a deerskin Shamanic drum of hers so that I am heard. Occasionally, I miss the big screen TV I have just bought so slowly arse cheek my way down the stairs, bannister in one hand and urine one bag in my right. Sometimes, my kidney bag site has leaked and I feel cold, wet urine on my T shirt. It is about as ignominious as it gets - I was always such a clean person.

After a few hours watching TV, I return, with help, back up to the safety, security and sanctuary of my warm bedroom bathed in light from the delicious rays of the Tarn.

Wondered if today might be the day Old Father Time catches up with me, I compose myself and say to myself that it cannot possibly be today, I feel too alive, albeit exhausted. And so I lay some more and exhaust the millions of videos on YouTube to amuse me. Sometimes I drift into a sleep, sometimes, I take 20mg of morphine to help me get to sleep. I don’t care anymore. That’s what impending death does for one - it imbues you with a sense of well, whatever you want to do, there are no rules any more.

The French nurse comes to change my dressing and do my blood and I send them away. A) they cannot do the former without causing leakage and b) they hurt so much and f***, do I really want the stress of watching my creatinine level going through the roof? So I Iay and watch mindless TV on my iPad and look forward to when my wife comes up the stairs next to nip nap next to me. Currently, our favourite programme is The Durrells, a beautiful take on innocence living in Corfu in the 1930s. It takes me back to an island I love, albeit one that has changed and one where the narrative, music and wonderful ambience induce sleep beautifully.

However, I was once such an active soul, all this laying and sleeping is no good for one. I have to stay alive for Monday next week as my daughters come to see me, well one daughter. The other in her grief forgot that her passport had long expired - so my wife has had to get a letter from my GP confirming my situation and now I pray that British bureaucracy will allow for her to make it to me before I go.

So it’s a race between my kidneys and my kiddies. Will they make it? Will my parcel of wine gums arrive in time for me to eat them. Will I ever see my daughters again or will the inexorable reach of the Grim Reaper’s scythe come take me before this little joys? It has done a very good job of spoiling my life thus far so all I ask is one small mercy, a few more days, before I slip into that black cloud as frightened as can be wondering if Steve Jobs hallucigenic Wow, WoW, Wow,  was really him entering the kingdom of Heaven or being chased by the sharpened scythe of Old Father Time.

Posted 30 May 2020 at 09:22
Pleased to see that your daughters are speaking to you again - I wasn't sure. It will be much easier for them to cope in the future if they have no regrets about the past.

A few days is not much to ask 🙏

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

Posted 30 May 2020 at 10:46

You articulate your thoughts and feelings so well.  I'm in tears for you and your family.

Please hold on for your daughters if you can.  I didn't make it to my dad's side - matters beyond my control- and it haunted me for a long time.  Still does if I think about it for too long. 

I hope your pain can be controlled.

Take care Bazza xx

Posted 30 May 2020 at 14:03
Oh Bazza hang on in there. They love you and they will get there asap I’m sure. My head is in a spin thinking of you and I’ve thought all the same thoughts about dying and what it’s like and if there is anything beyond. I reckon maybe I won’t be too far behind you so I hope we can meet one day friend. I hate permanent goodbyes so let’s not make this your last post ok. I lost my beautiful dog last year just 2 days before I got home from a solo holiday. My best friend ever. I still haven’t got over it or settled it in my mind really. All so sad. My heart is with you all right now x

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

Posted 30 May 2020 at 14:04

We are all willing your daughter's to get to you in time Bazza. If they can't hopefully you will be comforted to know they want to see you and you are not alone with your lovely wife at your side.

My husband's cousin died a couple of days ago in hospital from liver failure caused by alcoholism. He was 58 and an ex teacher. What a waste of a life. Unfortunately due to his behaviour he ostracized everyone in his family and friends. He had nobody with him when his time came.

You will be remembered lovingly by many Bazza and if there is an afterlife you will be the life and soul. Hopefully you will be reunited one day with those who mattered to you.

You will always be Spartacus to us.

Ann x



Posted 30 May 2020 at 14:55

I just reread your bio Bazza and gosh you have indeed battled like Spartacus from your so young diagnosis and RALP, discovery post op you had Gleason 5 pattern in the mix and subsequent throwing every weapon the medical profession has at this disease. You have documented with eloquence, the emotional and life impact of the last 10 years that is so helpful to others ( the type who seek answers and to fully understand the potential impacts and variety of treatments).


Just in this thread your description of the reality is so important to those with an overwhelming need to understand and the flag re family especially when distance is ‘in play’ could be a ‘call to action’ to some Bazza.


Enjoy the Durrall’s and your wife’s company. Here’s to your daughters arriving.

Thank you Spartacus


Posted 30 May 2020 at 16:12

I really hope you see your daughters and get to eat some wine gums Bazza.

Your writing is still so eloquent. 


Posted 30 May 2020 at 16:17

Chris. I’m bad at remembering faces so look me up and we’ll get stocious. Dogs are man’s soul mates - I can’t imagine the pain. Keep fighting brother.


Posted 30 May 2020 at 21:52

Thank you for posting and I do hope your daughters get to see you and you can see them too. I was unable to be with my brother when he died at 47 - sudden and unexpected, or my Dad who suffered lack of mobility for a long time after strokes but was with my Mum who was not conscious. I wasn't ready to let her go but she drifted away without a last goodbye. There was comfort knowing I was there even if she wasn't aware.

I wish you enough time to see those you want to and to enjoy love till the end of your days. Every one of us has you in our hearts and prayers. 

I don't know if it helps but when my Dad died, I felt myself cushioned on a cloud of what I can only describe as a love so strong  that I just knew there was something more. May you be blessed with that cushion of love, and for as long as you can enjoy your you tube films. My oh is addicted to wheeler dealers - the classic car buyers and Tom Cunliffe the sailor - you would enjoy his tales - great story teller.

I am thinking of you and will miss your lovely posts, however hard they are to read. X



Posted 30 May 2020 at 22:33
Well Bazza show me a cryptic crossword and I can nail it in time. But the word stocious?? Thankyou for that last gift. Every day is a school day right !! Sleep well tonight. Hold hands..

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

Posted 31 May 2020 at 01:52

Dearest Bazza, 

Sending love to you xxx 

Broken crayons still colour 

Posted 31 May 2020 at 07:47

Bazza, I don’t post much, I have always read yours and am in the group who don’t know what to say to you as you have been such an inspiration to me in the last five years. I hope your time now is as comfortable as it can be and your mind dwells on the many positive things in life you have achieved. Enjoy the moments you can. 


Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

Posted 31 May 2020 at 12:09

Bazza, I hope you can feel everyone’s love wrapped around you and that you are given the strength and time to see your Daughters and feel their love too.

Ange xx

Posted 02 Jun 2020 at 18:14

Hi Bazza

I’m almost afraid To ask how you doing today, but I’m going to anyway. How are you doing today ? 


Posted 03 Jun 2020 at 14:42

In bed, no pain, tired, hyper acidity, eating Mangosteen and fresh local French perfumed and delicious strawberries, drinking flat coke, enjoying being with my eldest daughter. I have another daughter to see yet so will not be going anywhere yet. Cancer can Effing wait! 

Posted 03 Jun 2020 at 14:57

I can't stop thinking about you and your family Bazza.  Hope your other daughter arrives soon and you can all have special time together.  


Posted 03 Jun 2020 at 15:13
So pleased mate. All our blessings to you.

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

Posted 03 Jun 2020 at 18:50

Good to hear upbeat message

Posted 03 Jun 2020 at 19:29


Great to hear you sounding a bit more upbeat. 

Thanks Chris


Posted 03 Jun 2020 at 20:12
Great to hear no pain Bazza. Hang in there Spartacus



Posted 03 Jun 2020 at 22:13

Top man.....gifted writer

God bless

Forum Jump  
©2021 Prostate Cancer UK