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Each day a challenge

User
Posted 09 Aug 2020 at 16:15

Hi Gilly,

Music, walking and gardening. ....a pond and birds.. 

He will always be with you and your family..

Take care x

Gordon 

 

 

 

User
Posted 09 Aug 2020 at 16:46

I am really sad to read your precious G has passed Gilly.  You have shown great strength posting your journey and your positivity and love has shone through during your tough times.

Sending much love to you and your family.

Ange x

User
Posted 09 Aug 2020 at 19:16

Just so sorry to hear your sad news. It only seems a few days ago that you took him to his seaside place and made special memories. Take care of yourself Gilly and I hope in time that you can enjoy and live your best life with the rest of your family. As others have said G will always be with you .

 

Ann

User
Posted 09 Aug 2020 at 22:08
My condolances and hugs.

Look after yourself whilst you work through this.

I like to think he is somewhere having a pint with Bazza and looking down on us.

X

User
Posted 10 Aug 2020 at 03:43

Gilly, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news.

I hope the love from family & friends and also friends here in this community will help you through this sad time. 

He will always be with you, in your heart and in the memories of the wonderful times you spent together.

Steve x

User
Posted 10 Aug 2020 at 08:17

So sorry for your loss Gilly. It's been heartbreaking reading your thread.

I hope you can stay strong 

All the very best

User
Posted 10 Aug 2020 at 08:29

I am so sorry for your loss Gillyflower. I know I will follow the same journey one day X

User
Posted 10 Aug 2020 at 11:51

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss....I've only followed the last few weeks of this thread, but I really feel for what you've been through. I hope I can be as strong when the time comes for me.

User
Posted 10 Aug 2020 at 21:45

I hope they meet each other - they would get on

 

User
Posted 10 Aug 2020 at 23:45

I’m sure they will Gilly.....  My five year old Grandson said to me today, right out of the blue, “you know nanny when people we love die and we don’t see them any more, it’s sad, but they are twinkling stars in the sky and are always with us”.

And I thought to myself how many very special twinkling stars we see in the sky every night..... xx

User
Posted 13 Aug 2020 at 07:04

Children accept things in a different way don't they? My little granddaughter will miss him and she will only remember his kindness and patience, as he never let her see the pain.

I have kept busy but there is that overwhelming loneliness that creeps in sometimes and the knowledge that nothing is ever going to be the same again. I just wish I could rewind and fall in love with him all over again. 

I will continue to support the charity in the hope that one day there will be something that can treat the cancer without the heartbreaking side effects that afflict some.

Keep fighting all you guys on here and never stop telling your loved ones how much they mean to you.  You are all special  and it is love that gets us through the dark times. That never dies.

 

User
Posted 13 Aug 2020 at 10:22

What a lovely, heartfelt post Gillyflower. Your family will be a great source of comfort I’m sure. Your continued support to PCUK is amazing. 

 

Ido4

User
Posted 13 Aug 2020 at 11:55

Bless you Gilly, I'm so thankful he wasn't in pain when the time came. X

Edited by member 13 Aug 2020 at 11:56  | Reason: Not specified

Mrs MAS

User
Posted 13 Aug 2020 at 12:00
So sorry to learn of sad news, my condolences .
Barry
User
Posted 13 Aug 2020 at 18:32

You are a very special lady Gilly. I know it's a cliché that time heals. You will always miss your darling G of course but your pain will lessen as time goes by until you can meet again.

Ann x

User
Posted 14 Aug 2020 at 22:01
Oh Gilly

I am so sorry to read your news on my return from a break. You and G were inspirational in your ‘ togetherness’ and you must be in a sort of shock with everything happening so quickly.

Please accept my condolences Gilly

:(

Xx

User
Posted 17 Aug 2020 at 12:06

Sincere condolences Gilly.  Take care xx

User
Posted 17 Aug 2020 at 12:37
Dear Gillyflower ... so so sorry to read about your loss .... I was close to tears ... Your recent messages are inspiring and although I only have localised prostate cancer I lost my younger brother to this lousy desease in 2018 so can unerstand how you must be feelling.

I'm sure your family will be a great comfort in the days and weeks to come.

xxxx

.

User
Posted 17 Aug 2020 at 15:14

Thank you so much everyone. I am taking time out and watching a film this afternoon but imagining my dear husband is just in the next room.

So much to do but my children are fabulous and a dear friend who went through the same loss has warned me I might crash, must eat and must look after myself in case I burn out - Hence the lazy afternoon!

I feel so much for all of you who are battling with this awful disease. I will do all I can to keep supporting the pc charity and if anyone wants support I will pop on here now and then because it really helped to share the moments I found difficult.

Thank you all.

User
Posted 27 Aug 2020 at 16:17
Hi everyone.

The challenge goes on but now it is mine alone. I miss my dear G so much but am getting through each day somehow, sometimes crying but able to have conversations with people without breaking down every time.

I try to think of happy times but still have images in my mind of his last days and feel robbed of the time he was in hospital. I feel angry he was put through so much when we all knew he had little time left.

I know it is normal to feel these things and nothing can change anything now.

All I can say to all, is to cherish every moment with your loved one, and try to stay strong.

I have a strange compulsion to see how you are all doing and thank you all. I will slowly let go of this community too.

I have no specific role now - no longer a wife or carer and struggling to think of myself as a widow. I am still Mum and grandma and will find myself a another role in time. For now it is enough to get through each day and to carry on my dear G 's kindness and love for others.

User
Posted 27 Aug 2020 at 18:08
Ah love - you will never get things back as they were but you will find a new normal eventually; I hope that Janet sees your post and gives some of her wisdom on this well trodden path that you now find yourself on. Eventually, the not so nice images of the final days will retreat and you will be left with the memories & images that make you smile - that is the nature of grief.

Lots of love to you x

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 28 Aug 2020 at 08:45

Dear Gillyflower, I understand why you find it hard to let go of this support group. It shared so many anxious moments with you and all your journeys were intertwined. Stay with it for as long as you need to and for as long as it gives you comfort. I get what you mean about self identity too. Having had someone in your life for over half your life and having a married status becomes a norm. It’s a shock to be a widow and almost to reinvent yourself. I haven’t gone through your experience yet but I’ve had to start preparing myself for it. You sound like you’re being amazing and doing all the right things. I hope I can be like you. Keep posting if you want to and let us know how you are getting on. 

User
Posted 28 Aug 2020 at 16:57

Dear Gillyflower, 

Lyn is so right in that you will never get things back as they were but you will find a new normal eventually. It's so different, but in a way the same, for us all if that makes sense? A new normal, finding purpose in your life, however you see it, in time it happens and I hated people saying time would help, but eventually it did.

It's more than ten years for me now and I still pop in here most days. I've not a great deal to say here, but I do like to keep up with people here. I do volunteer with Prostate Cancer UK and I feel that using the knowledge I wish I hadn't had to gain makes a little bit of sense of losing Mike. For some it is better to move away, but I found such support and lovely people, not to mention good friends, on this forum that it has become part of who I am now, and that's a good feeling. 

Getting through each day is good, and all you can expect at this stage. I think I tried too hard to get through them and coped much better when I just decided to let it be. Suddenly one day I found I smiled when the sun shone instead of forcing smiles to make other people feel better. Other people seemed to want me to cope when really I felt I wasn't coping. I forced a smile one day to a neighbour and she patted me on the shoulder and said she was glad I was better, as though I'd had a bad cold! That's when I realised that some of the newer people in my life, and people on this forum, did understand more than people I had maybe known much longer. 

Star crossed talks about reinventing yourself and I get that totally. In time I almost completely reinvented myself to suit the life I could live, rather than the life I had previously lived. Mostly it's okay, even good, but I would never want to forget my past life, it's just somehow the two can run side by side. Memories become easier and kinder. Learning to cope becomes less of a challenge. Asking for help was always difficult for me, and probably still is, but people do want to help and if they can make life easier for you, please let them.

I understand your thoughts on feeling robbed of your time with your dear G at the end. Anger is the stage of grief I found most difficult to accept. I understood the other stages and expected them, but I felt I should have been able to deal with the anger. Images of the last few days take their toll on you. And in similar circumstances to G's Mike's journey came to a quicker end than we had expected. In time I was grateful he hadn't suffered more for a longer time, but at the time it was a shock and I felt he was cheated.

You are so right, now it is enough to get through each day. Try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to others. And do keep popping in here, especially if it helps you, but do know that you have helped, and will continue to help, so many others with your posts.

Take care, love Janet, x

 

 

 

 

User
Posted 28 Aug 2020 at 23:44

Thank you so much for that Janet. People have been very kind and I have been so pleased that G's male friends have had the courage to want to stay in touch with me and to share how they are feeling too, without feeling awkward.

I know what you mean about people saying odd things, how do you answer " and how are you feeling ? "  maybe I will still be popping on here in ten years time too.

The family mission at the moment is to raise awareness and funds too. So many people have donated in G's memory,  we have been overwhelmed. He was a very much loved man.

I had wondered about volunteering in some way, and will look into it. At the moment I seem to still be catching up on sleep, and am embarking on a decluttering spree again. 

It is odd to have reclaimed the room which had become a mini hospital ward and It is upsetting that, because of the virus, valuable medical items could not be returned to the district nurses. I have given them instead to our local pharmacy who will dispose of them for me. It seems so wasteful when they have sat in quarantine for three weeks in a covid free house.

Anyway thank you again.

 

 

 

 

User
Posted 29 Aug 2020 at 17:10

It's really good to hear that G's friends are happy to stay in touch and share their feelings, it's a credit to you that they feel able to do so. Never underestimate how helpful this is to them, and in turn I hope it helps you find a little purpose in life too. 

In time I've got to realise that people usually try their best to say the right thing, but it was so confusing in the early days, and some would cross the road, or suddenly dash up another aisle in the supermarket, rather than speak. After a couple of years of ignoring me some started to include me in social events again. I think, although I can't be sure, they thought I was okay by then and wouldn't cry or spoil the party! Luckily in the meantime I had found people I felt comfortable with to socialise and also found I was quite happy alone. Actually I have never felt alone as I often feel as though Mike is still with me, and talk to him in my mind. I also laugh at things he would have found amusing, which is a comfort. 

It's brilliant that your family are raising awareness and funds too. So much is needed, especially this year when income and the chance to raise awareness have been so much reduced. It is obvious G was a very much loved man and if you can reach out to people who maybe can donate a little (or a lot) then every man diagnosed or tested early may well be a man whose family doesn't have to go through what our families have been through.

If you ever do want to volunteer officially there are so many ways you could do, but you are already raising awareness and funds, and helping others here so I think you are already doing your bit. But really for now it is probably best to concentrate on catching up with your sleep and concentrating on your health - it really does matter and makes a difference. 

I agree about all the waste, but even pre Covid it wasn't much different. I had to take the medication to the pharmacy for disposal but as I was told all equipment, even unused equipment, would be destroyed I kept it. Over the years I was able to pass things on to people in need at the right time. 

Take care, and look after you, Janet, x

 

User
Posted 29 Aug 2020 at 22:28
Thank you Janet - I always find your words soothing and such a comfort so I am sure everyone else does, too.

Take care, lovely lady xxx

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 31 Aug 2020 at 11:42
Thanks again Janet and Lyn too.

Yesterday I was out with my son and grand-daughter and found myself marvelling at the clouds in the sky and the wild flowers underfoot as well as moorhens diving on a sun splashed lake. I felt alive and strangely happy for a few hours. I missed G so much but I felt as if it was ok to still enjoy nature and the pleasure of company.

The house still feels empty but I don't feel alone all of the time. I think my gorgeous G is telling me to get on with life and enjoy it again while I can. I am sure he is with me at every step and if I falter he will try to rescue me again.

The longing to hug him is always there but I am taking baby steps to learn to do things on my own.

The weird thing is that I have never had to be completely on my own. I lived with other students a s a teenager and married straight from university so this is a very strange experience for me. Thank goodness for a garden and things to do. Have a good day everyone and remember to always tell people how much they mean to you.

User
Posted 01 Sep 2020 at 19:19

Thank you, Lyn, and thanks for all you do here - your knowledge and support are amazing!

And Gillyflower it's lovely to read about your day out with your son and grand-daughter. You have reminded me of how much of nature I noticed after Mike died. I suppose I had been too pre-occupied caring for Mike to notice. But strangely I noticed things Mike would have noticed and commented on, almost as though he was showing them to me.

It makes perfect sense that the house feels empty but you don't feel alone all of the time. And that G is there guiding and rescuing you. But it's so difficult that he's not actually there to hug, isn't it? One thing I found strange was that when I was doing jobs around the house that Mike previously did, and I didn't really know how to do, I found I could do them, almost as though he'd somehow passed his knowledge on to me. And maybe he was doing, and maybe G will do for you?

Enjoy your garden whilst we've still a bit of warmth and longer daylight hours. And remember to take care of you.

Love Janet, x 

User
Posted 01 Sep 2020 at 21:27

Today I accepted an invitation for coffee in a friends garden for the first time since G died and it was OK.  I did spend quite a lot of time in my own garden today - replanted the wall troughs that G used to do. I think he would approve.

Keeping busy helps I think. I will have to see how much I picked up  along the way when I come to do some decorating. 

We both really appreciated nature and took pleasure in the little things, just sitting watching tv together was a bonus when we knew he had little time left and that is what I miss so much.

Today a neighbour from three doors down asked me how he was. She was shocked and I am amazed she hadn't heard, when all my other neighbours knew. It took me aback but I suppose it will happen sometimes.     Each day continues to be a challenge but I hope G can see I am doing as well as I can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

User
Posted 01 Sep 2020 at 21:45
I suppose that could be a side effect of COVID; we have stayed in the house since we got back from France and haven't spoken to any neighbours yet to check everyone is okay 🤦🏼‍♀️
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 02 Sep 2020 at 00:53

Hi Gillyflower, I'm glad you're still here and posting. I know in an earlier post you said you may have to let go of this forum, but you don't have to. Remember this forum supports people who, have, had or are affected by PCa. You will always be in that category so you are always welcome.

The wider the cross section of our members the stronger this forum is in supporting all its members.Your and Janet's contributions can help partners see through the immediate sorrow and that there is some light at the other side.

I know it is still early days for you and there will be plenty of sorrow. I remember after I lost my father, going out on a sunny day, seeing people enjoying themselves, completely oblivious to my loss. It might sound strange but it made me happy that the world just carries on regardless of our problems. 

Dave

User
Posted 02 Sep 2020 at 17:50

Heartfelt thoughts are with you and your family. I admire your strength......you probably don’t know you have it.

This forum is amazing......I read of the lives of those starting out with PC and of those at an end.  I try to remain positive and learn what I can from you all as we are in the early post op phase.

Thank you 🌹

User
Posted 02 Sep 2020 at 22:05

Thank you all for being so kind. It seems such a long time since that Christmas Eve when we were first told that the cancer was there. It was such a shock at the time but I think we dealt with the cancer journey as well as we could. Today has been especially tough, for no real reason, other than I woke up suddenly from a snooze and was shocked to find G wasn't in the seat beside me . The tears have been plentiful today and the aching longing is hard to deal with but I am calmer now and know that this is how it is going to be. I had niggling doubts about some of the treatments and called my own gp who spent a long time talking me through things and we came to the realisation that although things could have been a little less intrusive, there was nothing anybody could have done to prevent the outcome as there were so many things going wrong at once  that he couldn't fight it any longer.

I do pray that each and every one of you who are going through your own journeys, can embrace the lives you have and do everything you want to do. Don't wait, or put things off till the time is right.

This world we live in now, with the coronavirus is very different from the one we all knew before and there are some things we cannot do, but we have to make the most of every day. One day there will be a way to stop this cancer in its tracks and stop it from spreading.  We have to have hope for all your futures.

User
Posted 05 Sep 2020 at 20:31

Hi Gilly

I caught up on your thread and just wanted to say that in my view you should continue posting as you and G were in this together and for you this is just the next stage and for many others in your situation it is helpful to read about tears, aching and longing as they will feel the same and knowing others ( you) understand and have been in the same place will be a help to many. 

For myself I don’t know what to say when there is a loss as I am in such a better place, however you can empathise and support from a real place of understanding so the community benefits in more than one way.

I am glad you are still here, so sorry for your loss but your story has touched many and your ‘don’t wait, don’t put things off’ message really resonates. 

Best

Clare

 

Edited by member 05 Sep 2020 at 23:03  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 05 Sep 2020 at 21:51

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

For myself I don’t know what to say when there is a loss as I am in such a better place, however you can empathise and support from a real place of understanding so the community benefits in more than one way.

I am glad you are still hear, so sorry for your loss but your story has touched many and your ‘don’t wait, don’t put things off’ message really resonates. 

 

I'm in a similar position. I always stayed away from these kinds of threads because I find them upsetting and don't feel I have anything of value to add. But they are really helpful to people not familiar with 'end of life' issues.

Gillyflower, I'm really sorry for your loss of G.

User
Posted 06 Sep 2020 at 01:39

Thank you. My children have been amazing but I do try to let them express their sadness at losing a great Dad too.G's friends are having to deal with their own pain too. One close friend rings every week which is a comfort to us both in different ways.

I find it hard to read some threads with an awareness that some people will be facing the same as we did in a few months or weeks.

I think it would be helpful if doctors told people what to expect in the end of life period. I knew three weeks before G died that things were progressing very quickly but it was quite frightening how quickly the changes came, the reslessness, the urgency to sort things out, the gradual loss of the ability to walk, then stand and other losses of normal function. It was scary for us both and it was only when they sent him home from hospital that we really had to accept it was nearly over.

If I can help anyone, I will. Grief is a strange process and some days you will feel fine and then feel guilty because you got through the day with only a few tears shed and the next day might be totally different when you feel very alone and cry a lot. It is all normal and never feel you need to follow an expected pattern. Let each day be just as it is buf if you feel you are sinking into depression then seek help as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is another day - make it special.

 

 

 

 

 

User
Posted 06 Sep 2020 at 16:24

So many true words, Gillyflower, and although we are all different, in some ways there are such similarities. 

In so many ways I feel you are coping much better than I did at your stage, and I understand entirely your feelings of guilt for sometimes getting through a day more easily than other days. I think that's how it is, I used to feel guilty as sometimes I felt my journey wasn't as hard as it should have been, but then a spell came where it was much harder. In time I learned to just let it be and know that the harder times would pass, and that it was okay to smile on the easier days. 

One thing I found helpful was reading about grief being a big hole you fall in to. Initially you can't get back out easily and need help. In time it becomes easier to scramble out, the hole doesn't seem quite so deep. Eventually you see the hole and walk around it. But I found often it was about three steps forward, then two steps back.

I found it frustrating that the doctors didn't talk about end of life issues and what to expect. I did know that Mike didn't want to talk but I did expect that someone would take me on one side and talk to me, but they didn't. If I asked I was told everyone's journey was different. 

I was happy to hear you spoke to your GP about some of the treatments and it helped. I did the same, and it helped me to know that Mike had lived longer than anyone had expected and that it was down to his sheer determination. Maybe she told me that because she thought it was what I wanted to hear but actually at the time it helped as things had gone downhill so quickly at the end I was confused about what had happened. In time I was so grateful he hadn't suffered more, because really until the last few weeks there was still so much quality and hope to his life.

Take care, Janet, x

User
Posted 06 Sep 2020 at 23:29

Gosh Janet

Your experience sounds so like ours. I dont know that I am coping any better than anyone else does. We cried together so much over several weeks because we knew what was going to happen just not how it would end and nobody could have prepared me for that really. I feel I could have dealt with it better and sat with him longer instead of letting him sleep but he was exhausted and I had no idea he wouldn't wake again. That is the worst part for me.

I have lost my Mum, Dad and brother and each end was different so I have had so much sadness along the way.  When I worked I dealt with a lot of other people's grief and the hole you fall into is very familiar to me. The thing is to find ways of recognising it, finding ways to climb out and how to skirt round it next time it comes up.

Anyway thanks again - lovely to hear your views.

 

 

 

Edited by member 07 Sep 2020 at 00:55  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 09 Sep 2020 at 16:38

I read the new threads and am constantly amazed at the different treatments and progress. My G was doing so well on the chemo - no side affects to speak of and reduction in mets. How devasting that he had to stop due to Covid and subsequently the cancer spread alarmingly. There are no certainties extra chemo would have given him more time, but my heart is broken to think that we were denied that chance because of the virus. 

Each day, it gets harder, some days I can't speak to people without crying and I know it is normal but it is a tough time. G would want me to carry on and I am trying but even having a flu jab on my own today reminded me we will never share anything again.

Good luck all you guys out there - keep fighting - one day there will be a cure.

 

 

User
Posted 10 Sep 2020 at 11:10

Take care Gilly, hope you are having a better day today.

Ido4

User
Posted 11 Sep 2020 at 00:26
thanks Ido4

Today has been a bit better. A friend came for coffee and she is having her own tribulations so it made me think outside my own feelings for a while.

Feeling more energised, I then launched into tidying up one small section of the garden and planted my rose for G- a present from a neighbour. Once again I can see the path instead of the overgrown patch it was before and that made me feel better. Then a surprise visit from my daughter made me happy for a while.

It is a continuing roller coaster ride and I feel as if my doing the garden is also doing it for G because he loved it too.

I am coping and will do but it is early days and I know there will be rough and smooth days. Thank you for caring.

I hope all of you have a good day tomorrow.

User
Posted 11 Sep 2020 at 09:45

Hope you have more uplifting days like yesterday. Having a close friend to share your feelings with and them being able to do the same is something special.
Thinking of you Gilly xx

User
Posted 19 Sep 2020 at 18:20

Apologies for my late response, Gillyflower.

I do think it is only time that helps you recognise the hole that is grief and skirt around it rather than falling in. I, too, lost my mum, dad and brother before Mike and as you say all in different ways for me too. I still torture myself as to whether it was better to lose my dad quickly to a heart attack, although he was only 53, or at an older age, and expected, like my mother from cancer. Not that there is anything I can do about either. But I do think our minds have ways of helping us cope in times of deep grief and seem to drip-feed only as much as we can cope with on a daily basis. And don't underestimate tiredness - it took me a long time to realise how I always felt worse when I was tired.

There's really no answers to the 'what might have been' questions we torture ourselves with. I believe we do whatever we do for the best and then wonder how differently we could have done it. In time these thoughts got less for me although I still find I need to occasionally tell myself I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.

I can completely understand your thoughts on what might have been without Covid. I obviously didn't have that to contend with, but several new drugs came out shortly after Mike died and I was forever trying to work out whether I thought if they had been out a year or two earlier they would have made a difference. 

And I agree some days it can be so hard to carry on. Fortunately as time goes by I found that these days came a little less frequently until they became rare.

But it's all the things that make you realise how everything has changed for you, yet life goes on for those around you isn't it? Even for the rest of the family I found they could go back to their own homes and life went on whereas I struggled to go home alone as it brought all the memories back. I have found a very different, and busy life, and it is all so much easier now, but it was a struggle to get there.

We all find our own ways, but I found if I did different things and went to different places then I coped better than doing the same things with the same people as then Mike was always missing. Although doing new things made me wonder what he would have thought, whether he would approve of what I was doing and where I was going. 

I hope you are still finding it makes you feel better to get on with your garden. I have always found to get out in the garden and make improvements, however small, is helpful. And how nice you got a surprise visit from your daughter - always a treat to get a surprise visit, and can totally lift you.

You're right in that listening to a friend's tribulations can take your mind off of your own sadness for a while, but please be careful - it is so easy to feel overwhelmed. Remember to take care of you.

Hoping you have a nice sunny weekend and can get outside - it's always so nice at this time of year to get warmer, sunnier days when we don't expect them.

Take care, Janet, x

User
Posted 19 Sep 2020 at 20:29

Thank you Janet. Your words mean so much

to me and all that you say is true. I plucked up the courage to accept invitations for a socially distanced cuppa in different gardens and I was ok when out, though found being with two couples hard, and felt desolate when I got home

 

Yesterday was our 49th wedding anniversary which I had hoped we would reach.  I went out to a garden centre for a coffee and I enjoyed that, but on getting home, I decided to reread the sympathy cards and became totally overwhelmed with the grief I feel. I cried for most of the day and miss G more than ever.

We were such a team and just sitting watching tv with him was a pleasure. Now the house is so empty and  I find I can be ok with people and appear as if am doing fine but once alone again I am trying to stop the "what ifs" and the "if onlys".

I know it will pass over time but it is as if the grief is overwhelming at times

 

 

I realised that G has been clearing his drawers of certain things over the last few weeks probably to help me but it feels so sad that he knew he didn't have long. Looking back on my diaries I can see the decline over the period since April but we got on with each new situation together. When he came home from hospital ,the last time,  I had to relinquish some of his care to the district nurses and I realised that I felt less involved and that was hard.

 Maybe there are new skills to learn and new places to discover when I have the courage to do more.

Time to put myself in the driving seat again in every sense.

This is such a difficult journey and it has only been 6 weeks but feels longer

Thanks for your help and encouragement. I will survive!

Gilly.

Edited by member 19 Sep 2020 at 21:10  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 19 Sep 2020 at 21:22

Special thoughts on your 49th Wedding Anniversary ♥️

User
Posted 20 Sep 2020 at 00:12

"When he came home from hospital ,the last time, I had to relinquish some of his care to the district nurses and I realised that I felt less involved and that was hard."

 

I think that this is an essential part of the process. Even if it feels uncomfortable or regrettable now, it was probably important for you both that you were able to become his wife and lover again rather than his carer.

 

Edited by member 20 Sep 2020 at 00:13  | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 20 Sep 2020 at 08:50

The sun is shining and it is a beautiful day. There is a zoom service to watch from our Church if I wish and I am determined to make the most of today before we move into those dreary wet days in winter. I have been amazed at how many huge lorry loads of potatoes the local farmer has taken to a depot somewhere. He has had a bumper crop and it reminds me that life is a series of cycles , with good years and bad ones. I am so thankful for the wonderful life I have had so far, with all the good and bad times, that all passed and are in my memories. 

Still the lorries are trundling past, busy people going about their work while the sun shines. 

So folks, enjoy today, hug your loved ones and have a happy time within the Covid restrictions. We have all been so affected by this,  but we have to remember that many people are affected more on a daily basis by cancer, strokes and other afflictions and I think we have to not forget those people as we try to stay covid free.

By the way - I have decorated a small bedroom and the paintwork looks OK so one small achievement so far. Next is the decluttering I need to do now that charity shops are taking things in again.

I am sure that you will ge pleased to know that donations to prostate cancer uk in memory of G reached over £1800 so I am so grateful to all those people who gave to such an important cause. One day even better treatments will be found. 

Have a good day everyone. 

 

 

 

User
Posted 20 Sep 2020 at 09:32

Fabulous donation there Gilly flower. 

Have followed your story, not commenting as I did not know what to say. 

My husband is one year into this, diagnosed at an advanced stage  but  hopefully here for a while to come.

You posts are reminders to me, and others no doubt, that everyday is precious. 

I wish you well. 

Love Mrs MAS x

Mrs MAS

User
Posted 21 Sep 2020 at 08:47

Wishing you many years if happiness together. Cherish the little moments, they are as important as the big ones  xx

User
Posted 25 Sep 2020 at 20:07

Yet another big challenge - a weekend away on my own, a road trip by myself. All I can think is how sad G must have been to know he was leaving me forever and letting go of life. I go through the motions, I go out and visit people, have a little laugh at memories now and then, but when it comes down to it, I am really struggling at times. I look at our lovely home and am happy we made it together but without him it is empty and the things we chose and enjoyed are not enough now. I don't know if life will feel OK again ever.I think that everything is hitting me all over again and this week, all I have done is cry when on my own.

Maybe I need to do this, to let out all the pain and sorrow but just now it is really hard. Thanks for all being there. X

 
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