Gillyflower it sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected at this stage. It is very frightening and traumatic to see somebody you love suffer so much at the end. My sister is three years out from her husband dying from lung failure...secondary pulmonary hypertension and while she has a lot of good days now...actually hugely improved this year ...she too had a difficult time the first year especially. She said the 2nd year she stopped thinking "this time last year" and even not doing that made things a tiny bit better. She was just 60 as was my mother. I hope we can beat that... it's only 7 years away but I really hope we can.
It's great that you have found a good support group. All online these days i expect which is handy but maybe not as satisfactory. Not easy grieving anytime but a pandemic sure makes it harder in some ways. I hope your heart is just suffering as hearts do and things might settle of their own accord, but if not lets hope they get you on the right medication soon.
Making the cake with your granddaughter sounds so special...my Mother loved when my 3 kids came along but she had to make do with my sisters only child for 10 years before I had my first! She was 40 when she had me and I was 30. I bet my son will be 40 at least before he settles down 😁😁 and who knows with the girls!
It is very strange how after the first awful few weeks after the hormone therapy news and all it entails sank in, we just got on with it and are happy everyday...probably happier than we normally are despite or probably more IN spite of the existential threat hanging over us. We are living in the moment which I have never tended to do...I have always had my own health issues and silly resentments and fears getting in the way. After my Dad died suddenly in my arms at 20 ...I did CPR on him...it had always been my greatest fear to be abandoned. I watched and lived through my distraught mothers grief ...she had no warning and no good byes...and I always thought given my husbands excellent health and his long lived parents and grandparents, that at least I would be the one to go first. He had to step in and care for me...or rather he chose to do so...when I became very ill after a viral infection only 6 months into our relationship. I spent a year sleeping all the time with no idea what was wrong and collapsing all over the place...only 23 years old when it started, and he still married me before I was was finally diagnosed a year or two later with Narcolepy and Cataplexy! Not life threatening but quite limiting being always tired.
Luckily I manage it really well and am a full of beans person in between the exhaustion and naps...I get about 3 to 5 hours at a time before I am tired again if I am active, unless there is something very exciting happening when I can get by on adrenalin for a good bit longer...but I pay the price later then! A short nap or two during the day really help but get in the way a lot and I do nod off involuntarily when doing some less stimulating things if I'm not very diligent about naps and lower carb eating!
Hence my now even more extreme fear of being left on my own. But I will take heed of your advice Gillyflower because we do still have lots of time I hope and the happy memories will sustain me as they must sustain you. Once the winter is over and spring is here again I hope you will notice that your heart is beginning to heal. I send you all my best wishes and thoughts. I'm not religious so I don"t pray....I really wish I was....I just may investigate Buddhism but probably just enough to help a little!
Please feel free to write here if you need anytime. You have been a huge help to us and if we can help you too now, all the better!
It would he nice if the moderators set up a section where partners specifically could post continuously, since we get to know each other throughout the journey.
Edited by member 22 Nov 2020 at 10:16
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