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How do we cope without intimacy/sex ?

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User
Posted 03 Aug 2020 at 03:49

My husband had a non nerve sparing prostatectomy three years ago and we received alot of support from this community during that time which really helped us through it. But three years on and we find ourselves in a marriage without sex and intimacy and things just get worse and worse . My husband has had counselling which did not help ( six sessions with a young man who really didn't understand) , tried injections which he found painful or they just didn't work.  Now it has become the 'elephant in the room' and he won't even talk about it anymore. We are both in our 50's and been together six years . I just don't know where to turn. 

User
Posted 09 Sep 2020 at 16:18

From our experience (married for 54 years, known each other for 58 years) the most important aspect of ED is that you are keen to maintain you sex life and are able to communicate with each other. 

I had RP 9 years ago a the age of 72. Having tried Viagra (and similar) decided not to go for an implant or injections but opted for a vacuum pump.  For us it has been a fantastic success - I can achieve a very large and strong erection on demand. The main disadvantage is that foreplay has to be before using the pump: this is when good, free and humorous communication is important. When my wife is sufficiently aroused I go and use the pump which takes less than ten minutes. The only limiting factor is that the erection rings (yes, I use two to maintain a good erection) should be taken of after half an hour. Normally for most couples penetrative sex last for just minutes but it is of great benefit to my wife and enjoyable for me that often our intercourse lasts twenty  minutes or more. I can go on at the risk of appearing boastful! 

The use of a pump requires a great deal of patience and experience but it is really worth it for us, age 81 and 76. I thoroughly recommend it.

 'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.'                    Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate

 

 

User
Posted 08 Aug 2020 at 07:14
That is an attrocious attitude from your surgeon certainly would not clap for arogant t***.

User
Posted 22 Aug 2020 at 10:06

This may be a stretch from where you are now - but how about exploring erectionless sex? Some people refer to it as "outercourse" but there are a myriad ways to be intimate and sexual together without an erection. My wife and I have found great joy in the last few months since we started putting the dream of erections aside and instead focused on pleasuring each other's whole bodies. It has been harder than we expected - both of us in some ways wired to expect penetrative sex. We have had to do a lot of laughing and go through some vulnerability and awkwardness ....

User
Posted 22 Aug 2020 at 11:45

Mish

Google "flaccid insertion Barbara keesling". It should come up with a page the shows an extract from a book describing the flaccid insertion technique. If you master the technique it can be out of the world for both of you.

Thanks Chris

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User
Posted 03 Aug 2020 at 09:28

Gilly,

There are certainly some things you can do about the physical sex, but I think you probably have a more pressing relationship issue the two of you need to get to grips with - it sounds like you aren't able to communicate openly with each other at the moment, and that's going to be key to getting a sexual relationship back going, particularly one which is going to have some new physical hurdles to overcome. He had a failed counseling experience too which isn't great, but that doesn't mean counseling won't work, just that it needs to be different from last time, maybe involving both of you at some stage. You might try calling Relate 0300 003 0396 and see what they suggest.

Has he had the opportunity to talk with other men with similar experience? This is where a local support group can really help, or the Tackle support line 0800 035 5302 which is manned by men with prostate cancer?

User
Posted 04 Aug 2020 at 20:46

Hi Gilly

As Andy states.  Plenty of support if needed.   I assume he has read https://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t10993-Erecting-the-Erection---Medication

Folk on here  really need more information to advise I feel.

From your posts your partner had ED pre op.

How have you helped with penile rehabilitation ?  Use of  pump etc

Regards

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

User
Posted 06 Aug 2020 at 17:59

I just wanted to say thank you to the chaps who sent me private messages, the support and suggestions are much appreciated . We are off on holiday ( a staycation of course!) tomorrow and i'm hoping that a change of scenery may help us both with our issue. 

User
Posted 06 Aug 2020 at 18:03

Yes he was having problems with ED before the operation. When we saw the consultant pre surgery he told my husband that there was no need for nerve sparing surgery as he already had problems! It felt like he had written off our sex life there and then. 

User
Posted 08 Aug 2020 at 07:14
That is an attrocious attitude from your surgeon certainly would not clap for arogant t***.

User
Posted 22 Aug 2020 at 10:06

This may be a stretch from where you are now - but how about exploring erectionless sex? Some people refer to it as "outercourse" but there are a myriad ways to be intimate and sexual together without an erection. My wife and I have found great joy in the last few months since we started putting the dream of erections aside and instead focused on pleasuring each other's whole bodies. It has been harder than we expected - both of us in some ways wired to expect penetrative sex. We have had to do a lot of laughing and go through some vulnerability and awkwardness ....

User
Posted 22 Aug 2020 at 11:45

Mish

Google "flaccid insertion Barbara keesling". It should come up with a page the shows an extract from a book describing the flaccid insertion technique. If you master the technique it can be out of the world for both of you.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 09 Sep 2020 at 16:18

From our experience (married for 54 years, known each other for 58 years) the most important aspect of ED is that you are keen to maintain you sex life and are able to communicate with each other. 

I had RP 9 years ago a the age of 72. Having tried Viagra (and similar) decided not to go for an implant or injections but opted for a vacuum pump.  For us it has been a fantastic success - I can achieve a very large and strong erection on demand. The main disadvantage is that foreplay has to be before using the pump: this is when good, free and humorous communication is important. When my wife is sufficiently aroused I go and use the pump which takes less than ten minutes. The only limiting factor is that the erection rings (yes, I use two to maintain a good erection) should be taken of after half an hour. Normally for most couples penetrative sex last for just minutes but it is of great benefit to my wife and enjoyable for me that often our intercourse lasts twenty  minutes or more. I can go on at the risk of appearing boastful! 

The use of a pump requires a great deal of patience and experience but it is really worth it for us, age 81 and 76. I thoroughly recommend it.

 'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.'                    Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate

 

 

User
Posted 09 Sep 2020 at 18:25
Great post Mityana
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 10 Sep 2020 at 11:01

Ah, Mityana, I am so inspired to hear more of your story! Congratulations on being playful and enjoying sex into your 80s! And I so agree with you about continuing for long periods of physical connection, it is way more than sex and for my wife and me it feels spiritual. Yes to more than 20 minutes!

 
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