I have been living with Prostate Cancer for almost 11 years now and just after diagnosis I found this message board on Cancer UK and the conversations helped me enormously to understand better what lay ahead for me.
Just after diagnosis and the beginning of treatment my mother died (I had been the sole carer for her for 10 years or so).
In many ways the bereavement was much worse for me than dealing with the cancer.
I had to rebuild my life after caring for her for so long. As my GP said I had "lost my job" which seemed pretty brutal at the time but now I think he was correct.
I had seen myself only as a carer and once she died in many ways I ceased to be.
I was in crisis for many months and received a lot of support from my GP and other services to deal with this crisis.
This lasted for a while all the time having treatment for the Cancer (Bicalutamide) before Radiotherapy.
I think it was whilst attending the Radiotherapy sessions at the local hospital that I finally began to put my "new" life together.
I made efforts to chat to the other patients who were attending their own appointments for Radiotherapy and discovered that I didn't feel quite so alone.
As the years have gone on I introduced new ways of living (because I virtually had a clean slate) each day.
I began to Meditate, keep a journal, exercise, and became a vegan.
I remember the day after I was diagnosed I found CancerUK and read some of the messages on the message boards. I must admit I was inspired by the messages left by individuals here and I thought to myself that I could manage this.
I also found wonderful advice on the message boards.
But I must admit that after a while I just didn't want to think about the cancer.
I suppose in many ways I am a coward.
I was referred to Charing Cross Hospital a few years ago for Cryotherapy, having a PET Scan and MRI prior to proceedure and for the first time I actually saw the cancer myself.
I had had biopsies done when diagnosed and all 12 cores were cancerous. I was told that surgery wasn't possible because of danger of spread.
But seeing the scans showed me the extent of the cancer for the first time.
And the areas effected seemed tiny!
There was a tiny spot in the Prostate and another area effected (a lympth node). Sadly the Consultant at Charing Cross Hospital said that he probably wouldn't be able to treat the tiny spot in the Prostate with the cryotherapy as it was so close to the bowel.
But he was prepared to have a go.
I decided a few weeks later to not have this treatment as there was no guarantee that it would benefit me and I was still in the position where the cancer had spread to a lympth node.
Whilst visiting Charing Cross Hospital I also visited the Maggie Centre at the Hospital.
This I found to be wonderful and it was so good to meet other men there who were also diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. I happened to be there when the Men's Prostate Cancer Group were meeting and I also attended one of the group meetings.
I found this to be a revelation. I had been alone in all that time in the years since diagnosis.
The men in the group were honest about their feelings and the impact of cancer on their lives.
At last I was in the company of others who just knew how it was.
I have found the years since being diagnosed with Prostate Cancer to be mostly very lonely.
Of course I had support from Macmillan over the years at my local hospital when there was a crisis for me but as I live alone there isn't anyone to talk to.
I was referred to the local Hospice last year and attended a Men's group for a period of 10 weeks or so. This was wonderful.
I also attended a Meditation Course there.
But sadly with the Covid 19 in all our lives these services are no more.
I belong to a group of people that first met on a Macmillan Hope Course last year. Sadly one of them died very recently. She was 31 years old.
I am the only man in the group of 5.
For them a cancer diagnosis is recent.
They tell me that I inspire them because I have lived for over 10 years now with Cancer, and that is great to hear.
I am still receiving treatment (injections of Decapeptyl every 3 months) and my PSA is rising very slowly (currently at 6.1).
I want to do everything I can to help my immune system "beat" the cancer and I want to go on living as well and as healthily as I can for as long as I can.
Sometimes I just don't want to think about the cancer and after all this time I am pretty good at doing that. But of course as each appointment (telephone appointments now) arrive I am thrown into a period of worry about results.
Someone I know dying at such a young age of this awful disease has made it all very real once again.
So after all this I realised I must return to the place I first found the day after I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer on 21 May 2010.
Perhaps CancerUK has something to offer me once again.