Partner newly diagnosed but will not talk about it

I don't come to this site very often (hence the late reply) but wanted to offer my best wishes to you both. Also, I wanted to offer a few perspectives on gettig the diagnosis and "processing" this. For me this has been intensely personal - my feelings a seem to be quite different to other men I have talked to (maybe because of my life history and how the PCa happened).

Firstly, the diagnosis was and wasn't a surprise - things like the "leaking" you mentioned, plus other things were being coped with by a really rather rubbish strategy of going "na na na ... I can't hear you body ... going to ignore you body". This and one of the the other things about me of trying to be "the strong one" in the relationship set me up for an awful lot of personal shame and guilt towards my partner. Add to this the poor prognosis from the first hospital visit, the undermining of self-image caused by the treatment, and that I'm not a person for admitting I need help and a downward mental spiral was going on.

Looking back it was pretty hellish as a time (at one point I was quite scared) but thanks to some specific help I came through it.

Maybe this has some similarities to your chap and maybe it doesn't. For example, for me it is easy to imagine the age gap would prey on my mind in his situation. Or maybe it's really different. Whatever the situation is inside him there maybe a few things that helped me that may be useful for you to know.

Another bit of information: when I did access mental health support I hid the fact from my wife: maybe that's a telling statement. I felt so bad in myself that I knew I needed help - but quite unable to tell my wife about what I was doing (but finally did so about six weeks later).

In those difficult days we did talk - sometimes good talks, sometimes less so. The first point is that what helped me most was knowing I was supported and that my partner was "there". She didn't need to being doing specific things - just being there and around and carrying on. I didn't need directive suggestions - things like "why don't you try / do this ..." are absolutely not the type of thing to get me talking (and talking has been a large part of getting cured). What helps much more is the type of interaction like - and this sounds a dreadful cliche - "how do you feel about that?". That allows me to express myself as much as I wish to at that time. So, that's the second point: using open rather than closed questions and comments and listening to the language one uses and what "works" at getting things discussed (there's a big difference for me between "what do you think is the best thing to do?" and "what do you feel is the best thing to do?").

I am afraid all the above is necessarily bloke-centered - and that it what I wanted to do, show that inside some men's heads (well mine) it can be difficult to for rubbish things to be processed and for feelings to get in and out.

Lastly, the above rather ignores what you are feeling and so on - on that score I hope you are getting the support you need and deserve also.

Once again, best wishes to you both.

Hello all. It’s been a rollercoaster of a few months but wanted to post an update, to see if anyone had any advice or experiences similar. My partner (55) has just had a radical prostatectomy with removal of lymph nodes, and he has just been told the cancer had spread into one of the nodes. He was told it was ‘very aggressive’ with Gleason score of 4+3. Unfortunately, had to wait for surgery due to Covid. He is now 19 days post-op and still suffering with severe continence issues, so feeling very low. Doing pelvic exercises but if anyone has tried one of the machines such as Innovo, please let me know. Next step is PSA test in a couple of weeks. I don’t know how much we can hope that it hasn’t spread further, but trying to stay positive. Unfortunately, as you all know, it’s just something we now have to live with and monitor. I was really hoping the surgery would have got it all out, but it was not to be. The only positive news is that he is definitely opening up more and is remarkably cheery, despite what is going on. He has even agreed for me to attend his next appointment with the consultant. I will be asking about next steps if PSA test comes back high, hormone therapy and chemo. Is there anything else I should ask or push for? Thanks everyone x

Thanks Chris, yes I keep telling him it’s very early days so can’t expect things to snap back as quickly as he would like. And just to say he’s not pushing exactly but has definitely noticed his flow has got stronger since the op. We’ll take each day as it comes. Just a shock to hear the not so great news, but as always it could be a lot worse.

Take care

Edited by member 14 Jul 2021 at 07:52  | Reason: Not specified

Thanks for your lovely message, Mish58. It means so much to be able to speak to people like you going through very similar things, and has provided a lot of comfort. I read your biog and I’m pleased to see things are going well for you despite a few setbacks. We’ll be getting on to pumps etc in time but first of all need to sort out the continence as he’s feeling pretty fed up with the constant dribbling. I think everyone has different recovery times and I’m sure it will feel a bit like one step forward, two step back for a while, but we’ll get through. It definitely is an adjustment to the ‘new normal’ whatever that ends up being.

Take care