Devstated and alone.
It's very difficult & complicated for me to write this so please bear with me.
I'm 57 and I've recently had a PIRADS 4, Likert 3 MRI with PSA 7.66, PSA density 0.13 & 2 large lesions 20+ & 18 mm. I've had a "weak bladder" and poor flow (and I believe a PSA in the 4 region) for as long as I can remember and about a year ago had a PIRADS 2.
A while after I had an acute period of urine retention, and when I did go a feeling as if I couldn't empty my bladder, or ejaculate completely. I was put on Tamsulosin, but the side-effects were detpressing so I stopped. To my surprise my problem had much improved - possibly even better than it had historically been (I have no abnormal urge to go and don't go at night).
Obviously I am terrified and have barely moved for 2 days. (I sleep on my sofa for reasons I will explain).
I will not have any treatment as there is no possible way I could cope with the aftermath and the side effects, so basically I know my life is probably over.
I have suffered bipolar disorder for many years with extremely poor social functioning. I have few if any friends, have never really had a relationship bar a few weeks' brief fling in the nineties which ended badly and rarely see or talk to anyone. The last time I attended a social event was probably 2018-19. I spend most Christmases and birthdays alone.
I am more or less completely alone as my only relatives in this country are my elderly mother, who is suffering terribly from severe brittle bones and is psychologically low, and a brother who I have been largely estranged from sine the early noughties. I have not told her about my scan and dread telling her if the worst comes to pass as it will destroy her.
The only people who know are a friend of my mother's two of her sisters abroad who I have only met a few times and a friend I never see who has not responded to my text. None of them are on the end of a phone I have not communicated with any of them to any detail.
At the best of times my situation is bleak and hopeless and I frequently contemplate suicide. I used to harm my slef and drink heavily but managed to stop a few years ago. Seeing the state my mother has been in I have said to myself that I will try not to do anything until she is gone (something that also terrifies me). In fact I have often beseeched God to let me not wake up, which has me half-thinking I've invoked Karma.
After 20-something years I was discharged by the mental health team at the hospital a couple of years ago. There was no change in my general situation but as I understand it form other professionals who I see they were under great pressure to discharge people due to funding (they deal with Grenfell Tower so that may be an issue). Ironically losing their support was a constant fear, but my care-coordinator always reassured me they understood my situation and that would never happen. Unfortunately he left.
I basically only see an outreach worker at a private company contracted by the NHS. I had a good relationship with the former person - although I only had phone contact until recently due to restrictions - but they left recently. I am seeing the new person for the first time on Friday, but I obviously don't know how I will get on with her.
Since I was discharged I have not been able to function at all normally. My flat has deteriorated to a phenomenal degree, exacerbated by hoarding, which has left me overwhelmed. I literally can barely get into my bedroom and most of the flat is difficult to negotiate for junk and mess.
I started sleeping on the floor, but then got bedbugs which was hugely distressing - I ended up trying to sleep in a bath full of water and sealing up the bathroom.
I seem to have got rid of them after getting some expensive stuff from the US. I couldn't allow my council landlords to arrange pest control as I would have been in serious trouble and the junk would have made it impossible to treat.
I have had no sign of them since the beginning of the year, but I am still too nervous to sleep on the floor so sleep or nap on the sofa. I am 6'2 so this is not ideal.
I often eat nothing but toast and jam or cheese spread and find it difficult to even have a bath.
I suffered 20 years of at times extreme Anti-social behavior in my estate - rowdy loitering youths/men trespassing on my steps until 2 or 3 in the morning and extraordinarily loud music which drove me to the brink sometimes. It's better now, touch wood, but there are still problems and as a result I rarely feel confident or relaxed here . Moving is hopeless - I tried for years.
I do very little bar try and watch TV, mess about on my devices and instruments. I used to walk long distances but rarely do so since I was discharged.
The point is that my living circumstances are so unconducive to major surgery, I have so little to live for and so little joy in life anyway that I could not cope with an even more serious deterioration in my circumstances, especially when there is real prospect of future hard blows to come - I am terrified of my mother leaving me 100% alone, losing my benefits and serious consequences if the landlords see my flat.
It's embarrassing to admit, but although I have no sexual relationships & little prospect of one I have a high libido when not very depressed like now and "self=pleasure" is one of my few joys in life.
As a consequence I cannot undergo any invasive treatment. I know people will try to reassure me there is always something worth living for but unfirtunately that isn't always true for everyone. I would genuinely prefer to try and pluck up the courage to end things when the serious damage begins.
Apologies for the rant and if this brings anyone down - I have actually not mentioned some of the bad stuff that has led me to this position.
Since I had the bombshell I have dealt with it alone - I have probably spent thirty hours on the internet researching. Nothing has really made me hopeful, even the stories here that are ostensibly hopeful terrify me. I guess this is the only way I could get things off my chest to any degree.