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User
Posted 09 Apr 2022 at 16:06

Hi All 

 

I am new to the community and would really appreciate some help 

I am 47 and partner is 55

I am active and he is very sedentary, not exercising, overweight but I met him and loved him as he was. He had his prostate removed with the robot technology  a few months after meeting so we did not have a long sex life and after he had radiotherapy post this

Of course sex is the last thing on our minds at that point but this was 18 months ago - we knew the side effects of the prostrate and of course life first regardless. He was told he would have slight nerve damage but what has happened since is that we have no sex life at all

He is very alpha male and old school and told me that even though he takes Tadafil and Varedifil and another "fil" ever since and daily as was told by the GP,  he said he  is dead completely down there - it is not working at all.  We dont talk about this subject at all and he has shut down completely. However the puzzling thing is I see him eyeing women etc and think if he was dead in this region why would he be 

Am I being naive - please help as I would really appreciate advice as I see it is starting to affect me and I feel like I am so self centred and selfish but this is how I feel 

 

 

User
Posted 11 Apr 2022 at 05:35

Another point I think worth stating is. Dont let husbands/partners use PCa as an excuse to reneg on a relationship that was previously strong. We men are incredibly lazy when it suits. We are great when someone needs stood up to but weak on the care and compassion side.

Women negotiate their way through breast, uterine, ovarian cancer etc with less drama than men with prostate cancer. How many husbands/partners are on forums researching on their behalf.

Dont let sympathy for a husbands plight consume you if they are not stepping up as well.

J

User
Posted 11 Apr 2022 at 08:43

Cas74, not sure if you are aware that sildenafil,and Viagra will not work without stimulation and probably for a post RP man it  may need a bit of extra stimulation. If he is still leaking urine he may not want to be intimate. 

Of course I know nothing about you and your husband or your relationship. Have you tried making the first move without any discussion, I would not resist any intimate advances my wife made no matter what the situation was. It is often said a man's brain is in between his legs , it may be a way to get through to him.

I hope you find a solution to your situation.

Thanks Chris

 

User
Posted 22 May 2022 at 09:14

I can help with one piece of the puzzle:

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Post op we did have sex but this was probably 3 times with the last being Sept 2020. During these 3 occasions he did pleasure me but this has all ended since Sept 

Your husband and I seem to be part of the relatively small proportion of men who retain some erectile function for a few months after surgery and then lose it. At first I thought I was the only one! So we were able to have conventional penetrative sex several times in the months directly after surgery. Then my erections faded away and I can also own up that there was a period when I drew away from my lovely wife - it was like this: If we start making out, I know it is going to end in disappointment so I would rather not start.

Also, during those bleak months with really no physical response - like he said "dead down there" - I was, like him, still full of erotic interest and desire. And therein the conflict. Wanting but not able to do it. I did find erotic fantasies and stories were a comfort. What happened after a while was I found I could stimulate myself more easily than my wife could stimulate me. Again, embarrassing to admit this but basically my male body went from "always on" and eager, and able to respond sexually to the slightest look, touch or promise from my wife - to being stolidly unresponsive unless my genitals got 100% focused stimulation along with lots of arousing thoughts. So where previously my sex life had been entirely focused on my wife and her pleasure, I suddenly found my body needed a lot of attention and that was weird for her and for me.

User
Posted 24 May 2022 at 22:23
Cas, I am afraid many men's self-esteem can be completely undermined by their genitals no longer performing the way. they are used to. And that is incredibly common after prostate surgery.

Your husband may find it helpful to discover he is not alone, reading other men's experiences on this site. Is there a chance you could get him to explore the multiple stories of how many couples have worked out how to overcome what in the end are mere technical difficulties?

Good luck.

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User
Posted 09 Apr 2022 at 18:53
I think you are confusing erectile dysfunction with loss of libido. By 'dead down there' I don't think he means that he has no sexual desires (that happens in the brain not the penis), just that he cannot get an erection. Men with ED can feel ashamed, frightened, embarrassed. The tablets he is taking don't work for everyone - sometimes a man can keep all the nerve bundles but not be able to get an erection while a man with only partial nerve sparing recovers fully.

Do you know whether:

- he is still on hormone tablets or hormone injections?

- whether he has seen an ED specialist nurse?

- whether he has a vacuum pump hidden away that he might not want you to see?

Have you had any sexual activity at all since his op or radiotherapy? Does he know that he can orgasm without an erection? Does he know that he can give you an orgasm with his hand, tongue or using toys?

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 10 Apr 2022 at 07:45

Hi Cas74, as we are potentially looking at the same problem we visited a certain shop in the high Street (I know we are not allowed to name medical staff, but not sure if this applies to high street shops) and the ladies in this shop were very helpful and showing us various items partners can use to give each other pleasure, they are also available through the internet.  I found their face to face advise most helpful

User
Posted 10 Apr 2022 at 10:00

Hi Lynne

Thank you for responding as it helps me to try and process this

He is on the tablets - takes them every day as he was told to still keep his functions.

Post op we did have sex but this was probably 3 times with the last being Sept 2020. During these 3 occasions he did pleasure me but this has all ended since Sept 

He wont address this with me- it’s a completely closed conversation which is unfair but as I said it then looks like I am selfish

He words were if I knew the effect of this op, I would have taken my chances for a quality of life compared to this as a man

so here we are 

User
Posted 10 Apr 2022 at 11:09

Hi CAS, DW etc,

When my elder brother was diagnosed with PCa I read up about it and decided if it was me I would not get treatment. No way was I going to end up a sexual cripple. My sex life with my wife of 30+ yrs was about the most important part of who I was.

When I was diagnosed with PCa 6 yrs later at 58 I was desperate to avoid side effects. I delayed treatment by 18 months trying alternative therapies etc. Eventually as PSA continued to rise I opted for surgery. Then needed follow up RT and HT. After surgery I was only able to get an erection using penile injections. These were no big deal to administer and worked fine for a while but then the erections became quite painful so we  stopped using the injections. About that time the I started RT/HT as PSA was still above 0.1. As I progressed through this phase it was quite discouraging as I lost what function I had recovered then my libido as well.

I then went through a stage of self pity, grieving for what I had lost or was also losing. Disconnected sexually from my wife due to low libido and told her she was wasting her time trying to pleasure me or I her. I still regret that I didnt toughen up a bit and make that sure I pleasured her at least but HT and low libido is a hard thing to understand at first experience. 

I finished HT and eventually went through 2nd puberty as testosterone returned. We recovered a sex life. I stopped focusing on solely erection based pleasure and found I was actually having better experiences and orgasms than before. Then we were able to just enjoy each other again.

I'm rambling a bit here but I guess I am just trying to give one males perspective and make the point that it isnt necessarily going to be easy, both partners are going to have to process things alone at times and work out a way through. The other side though can be a better place.

As I face recurrence again and further HT one thing I have said to my wife is this time stand up for your sexual needs and dont take no for an answer easily.  No libido is not an excuse for not at least trying to pleasure your wife.

Will it work. Well see.

Cheers John

User
Posted 10 Apr 2022 at 14:56

Thank you John!

this is very helpful from a male perspective absolutely because as a woman I can sympathise but I cannot empathise as I cannot relate

The difference here is that your partner and you speak about it! It is very difficult when he will not brooch the subject at all! 

We do not have intimacy just the hug at night, and a kiss goodbye or goodnight. Even that in itself is just a simple kiss! He has totally withdrawn any form of intimacy. He used to shower or dress/ undress infront of me now will change in another room and it is just ever so awkward! As I said we only started dating just a few months pre op and I have been with him through it all and shown I am not going anywhere but I am really unsure

 

i don’t know if I myself am going through self pity and looking at the possibility of a sex free life - as he is very old school and very alpha and will not as far as I am aware seek help even if he won’t talk to me  but there is help out there abs I don’t understand ! However he takes the Sildenfil , Varenfil and Tadafil religiously and so my paranoia kicks in

 

i am lost to be honest 

User
Posted 11 Apr 2022 at 04:10

We definitely went through a minimal communication phase as well. He needs to work through how he feels. Hopefully he will come to realise a way forward. Some people though fixate on the past and so can miss out on a future.

However dont accept the alpha Male and set in his ways idea. An alpha Male should be able to adapt and adjust otherwise they are all show. Be an alpha Female and point out that you expect certain considerations. If he wont talk about it send him a letter or email.

J

User
Posted 11 Apr 2022 at 05:35

Another point I think worth stating is. Dont let husbands/partners use PCa as an excuse to reneg on a relationship that was previously strong. We men are incredibly lazy when it suits. We are great when someone needs stood up to but weak on the care and compassion side.

Women negotiate their way through breast, uterine, ovarian cancer etc with less drama than men with prostate cancer. How many husbands/partners are on forums researching on their behalf.

Dont let sympathy for a husbands plight consume you if they are not stepping up as well.

J

User
Posted 11 Apr 2022 at 08:43

Cas74, not sure if you are aware that sildenafil,and Viagra will not work without stimulation and probably for a post RP man it  may need a bit of extra stimulation. If he is still leaking urine he may not want to be intimate. 

Of course I know nothing about you and your husband or your relationship. Have you tried making the first move without any discussion, I would not resist any intimate advances my wife made no matter what the situation was. It is often said a man's brain is in between his legs , it may be a way to get through to him.

I hope you find a solution to your situation.

Thanks Chris

 

User
Posted 22 May 2022 at 09:14

I can help with one piece of the puzzle:

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Post op we did have sex but this was probably 3 times with the last being Sept 2020. During these 3 occasions he did pleasure me but this has all ended since Sept 

Your husband and I seem to be part of the relatively small proportion of men who retain some erectile function for a few months after surgery and then lose it. At first I thought I was the only one! So we were able to have conventional penetrative sex several times in the months directly after surgery. Then my erections faded away and I can also own up that there was a period when I drew away from my lovely wife - it was like this: If we start making out, I know it is going to end in disappointment so I would rather not start.

Also, during those bleak months with really no physical response - like he said "dead down there" - I was, like him, still full of erotic interest and desire. And therein the conflict. Wanting but not able to do it. I did find erotic fantasies and stories were a comfort. What happened after a while was I found I could stimulate myself more easily than my wife could stimulate me. Again, embarrassing to admit this but basically my male body went from "always on" and eager, and able to respond sexually to the slightest look, touch or promise from my wife - to being stolidly unresponsive unless my genitals got 100% focused stimulation along with lots of arousing thoughts. So where previously my sex life had been entirely focused on my wife and her pleasure, I suddenly found my body needed a lot of attention and that was weird for her and for me.

User
Posted 24 May 2022 at 22:23
Cas, I am afraid many men's self-esteem can be completely undermined by their genitals no longer performing the way. they are used to. And that is incredibly common after prostate surgery.

Your husband may find it helpful to discover he is not alone, reading other men's experiences on this site. Is there a chance you could get him to explore the multiple stories of how many couples have worked out how to overcome what in the end are mere technical difficulties?

Good luck.

User
Posted 26 Jul 2022 at 23:23

Hello all

Thank you so much for all your help

Update- I have tried talking to him about this, taken all the suggestions and he still has refused

I get the erotic fantasies as he dreams and talks in his sleep but will not touch me physically - I have made moves but he shuts this down completely . 

it is now at the point where I am not sure if he finds me attractive at all because there is such a huge disconnect between us although he is extremely flirty with women so it is very confusing 

 

I feel very lonely and unwanted and then I feel guilty for feeling this 

 
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