What do I do?

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User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 16:44

Hi all. New here. Step dad 92 years young got 3/6 months left. Sleeping a lot gone off his food,agitated. My mom is his main caregiver she’s also 92. They have been together 38 years. I’m dealing with almost everything because my mom doesn’t want to accept the outcome. He wants to stay at home and I will be going to stay with them to help out. Mom won’t talk about his funeral etc. He also has dementia. I just want to do all i can for both. I just don’t know what to do and I’m worried about the effort on my mom who is my world. Thank you for taking time to read this.

User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 16:50

I don't mean to be unkind, but I think you need to sit down with your mum and tell her straight out that she's got to face reality and start making plans for the end. It's really not something she wants to be doing at the last minute. It'll be a lot easier if all the funeral arrangements are made in advance.

My dad who's 90 has every detail of his funeral planned!

All the best,

Chris

User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 16:54

Thanx for the reply. I have tried to have the conversation numerous times, she keeps saying not yet. I don’t want to pressure her she’s unwell her self

User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 17:56

I can understand him wanting to stay at home. Here is a quite from one of my friends whose mother was terminal. "She wants to stay at home, but I wish she'd go to the bloody hospice, with people who can deal with this". I've included that quote because you may feel guilty at being overwhelmed, but you are not alone. In the end it is his decision where he wants to die. Just don't feel guilty if you find yourself unable to live up to what you feel you should be able to do.

Dave

User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 17:58

Thank you for the reply. I will be going to help with his care so that he’s able to stay home both of them want that

User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 19:01

My husband was only 73 when he died but we had everything at home including a hospital bed and all the equipment needed such as wheelchair, commode, walking aids etc and comfort cushions. Macmillan Care helped with all these things.
We managed very well on our own until he had to go into hospital for an unexpected kidney stent again and his body was too frail to recover from this. We had three days with him at home before he died. We also had the intervention of district nurses and carers to help with changing him and making sure he was moved in the bed as I was unable to do this on my own.
Prior to this we had planned his funeral together and he had chosen passages to be read and songs to be sung - tough but I knew we were following his wishes. You could ask things of your Mum like " What is Dad's favourite hymn?" to get an idea of what might be right for him.
It will be good for you to be with your Mum for it does become very tiring when you are caring for somebody full time. My children were able to come the night before my husband died and he was able to chat to them as usual. The end came suddenly even though we knew it was going to happen.
Be kind to yourself and just be there for them both when they need you.

User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 20:20

Is the palliative care team involved? This may be a team at the hospital or a local hospice or Macmillan nurses. If not, get on to the oncology nurse or GP ASAP for a referral. The palliative/ end of life team will organise any practical equipment needed such as commode, proper medical bed, inflating mattress, etc. They will also be skilled at managing pain relief if dad gets very uncomfortable towards the end (although not everyone has a lot of pain). They will also know how to start those really difficult conversations that your mum doesn't want to have with you. I have cared for 3 people at home at end of life - with the right support, it can be a beautiful thing to do for someone you love.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 20:28

Thank you for your reply. I spoke with the oncologist just this morning and will contact the hospice in the morning. Thank you to everyone that have took time out of your day. Sending hugs and blessings

User

Posted 16 May 2022 at 21:22

If not done already, you should get them both to consider a Power of Attorney. There are two types which put simply cover health and finance. There needs to be a trusted person or appointed solicitor to exercise the power where there is a lack of capacity as there would be for somebody with Alzheimer's/Dementia. We did this some years ago before the disease advanced in my wife any I have also appointed our daughters for myself. I don't know that your step dad now has the capacity to appoint somebody but would investigate this. Does somebody have POA for your Mum?

Barry

User

Posted 17 May 2022 at 12:24

Hi yes power of attorney is in place. Thanx for your reply.

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