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Moving closer to parent with prostate cancer

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User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 11:27

Hi everyone,

My father-in-law was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer just over a year ago (it had already spread to his lymph nodes and a few specks on his bones). He has been on hormone treatment since his diagnosis and he underwent chemotherapy last year. We've recently found out that he's due to be put on additional hormone treatment as he's stopped responding to the monthly injections.

His wife (my husband's mum) died over 30 years ago of Ovarian cancer. He lives alone but is a very happy and independent person. However, we know he's finding things tougher as the illness progresses and will no doubt need more support in the next few years.

My husband and I are strongly considering moving closer to him (he lives a six hour drive away so we can't currently just pop in and see him when he needs us).

This will mean selling our house and buying a new one in his town (the town my husband grew up in) and we'll need to take our daughter our of school (she's about to start year 1) and find a new one.

We've spoken to my father-in-law and he's delighted at the idea. He said that of course he'd never expect us to move closer but that he'll be pleased if it works out for us. It's a huge deal for us but we feel it's the right thing to do, and we'd rather make the move while he's still well enough to enjoy spending time together, especially with his much loved granddaughter.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and has relocated to be closer to their parent with incurable PC?

Any advice or thoughts? Anything we should be aware of or plan for? Would really appreciate any words of wisdom or encouragement!

Thanks so much and all the best

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 12:09

My initial thought is, do you have any ties or other reasons to go and live in this area of the country?

Does your father-in-law have ties to the area (i.e. local friends he actually sees), or would he be just as well off moving to be nearer you?

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 13:06

Thanks so much for your useful and relevant questions, Andy! My father-in-law has his hobbies, friends and community there, so he definitely wouldn't want to move to London (where we're based).

The upside of moving to his town (in Wales) is that we'll be able to afford a nice house, close to the countryside and beach. We'll finally be able to get a dog and we'll be able to take up more outdoor (healthy) hobbies. So there are definite benefits to us - it's more the scale of the change, and I suppose coming to terms with what this move actually means for us long-term.

It's difficult not knowing how his illness will progress and how much time we have, but as we found last year, things can change so quickly. He had to go to hospital a couple of times without warning, which meant my husband had to stay there with him and I had to remain in London with our daughter. I feel like we'll be able to face things better if we're all there together (and I can help with the emotional and practical support).

I'm just not sure if I'm being naively optimistic about the move, or failing to consider the reality of how our life might work there.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and consideration - much appreciated!

Edited by member 08 Aug 2022 at 13:07 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 13:26

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

My initial thought is, do you have any ties or other reasons to go and live in this area of the country?

Does your father-in-law have ties to the area (i.e. local friends he actually sees), or would he be just as well off moving to be nearer you?

This was my thought too but it seems FIL has now been told about and accepted the idea of your moving nearer to him, so it may well depend on how disappointed he would be about moving nearer to you or could be persuaded in view of the changes your husband and child would have to make.

Barry

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 13:37

Thanks Barry!

I feel that it would be a lot harder for him to move here and in fact would mean he'd depend on us a lot more than if we move there. As things stand today, he's still well enough to continue with his hobbies (walking, bird-watching, etc.) so he'll still be independent but it will just mean we're around if he needs us. In turn, we can build a life there while our daughter is still young - but of course we don't want to disrupt her life too much either.

I'm not sure if I'm being too optimistic about how it will all work!

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 16:10

I would try to speak to the oncologist or his allocated specialist nurse before making a decision. The fact that his first line treatment is failing and they have added enzalutimide is significant; although some men do well on enza, on average it only adds about 5 months to someone's life. How would you feel if you relocate, move your daughter to a new school and then he dies very quickly? If you still feel that you will have a better quality of life, go for it.

I have done the end of life care at home for my mother-in-law, my step-father-in-law, my nana and my mum and there is nothing more satisfying than knowing that I did my best and gave them all the care and love they deserved but it is far from easy and can be brutally swift or long and drawn out.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 17:09

I think your father in law should be fairly low down on your list of priorities for this move. I don't think your husband will have any problem moving back, I think your daughter will adapt easily. The real question is how about you? Are you a London girl? Moving to a beautiful part of Wales sounds excellent, and for someone like me who was brought up in a small town, moved to London at 18 and moved back to a small town at 30 it was fine. Apparently during the pandemic the rich Londoners all moved out, and now they are moving back because the quiet life doesn't suit them after all.

I can't think of anything more ideal than living in a big house in a small town by the sea, and the thought of living in a poky little flat in London is dreadful. Being with your father in law is an added benefit, but us old folk* have lived our lives, so any decision you make has to be what is best for your generation and your children.

* Of course I'm not old, I'm a sprightly 58, I'm down with the kids. But some of this lot on here are tucked up with their Horlicks by 8 O'clock.

Dave

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 18:52

Hi all, thanks so much for your considered and helpful replies - really appreciate it!

A bit of background - I'm originally from South Africa (near the beach and mountains) and have lived in London for 16 years, so am delighted at the idea of moving to Wales. I've been many, many times over the past ten years so it's a familiar place and feels like home already. I'm also lucky to have a great relationship with my father-in-law - so I'm feeling very positive about the prospect of moving, even though I know we have a lot of challenges ahead with his illness.

However, my husband feels the complete opposite - he loves London and he hates change.

It's actually me trying to convince my husband that this is the right thing to do for his dad and for us as a family. I think that's why I'm doubting myself and seeking reassurance that this move isn't crazy! I do believe that if we don't move and we lose his dad, he'll regret it and wish he'd spent more time with him and been closer to offer support.

My husband is coming round to the idea, but it seems he's still in denial about the seriousness of his dad's illness and would prefer to keep his head buried in the sand. Of course, this approach isn't sustainable and at some point he will need to face the reality of the situation, but this denial may have a lot to do with his reluctance to move.

What I'm struggling with is the question of whether I am risking my husband's happiness by pushing this move, or whether I'm doing the right thing by encouraging him to make the move, as I firmly believe he'd regret it if he didn't.

Even though it's been a year since my father-in-law was diagnosed, we haven't had to face any big decisions for a while as he's been stable since he finished chemo in September. Now that his treatment is intensifying and things aren't quite as stable, it's made me re-evaluate things and added more of a sense of urgency to the move.

Really appreciate your thoughts and comments! Thanks again

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 21:49

Ok good that you are definitely on board. I guess a lot depends on what jobs you do and the employment situation is in the new town (of course with remote working this may be irrelevant).

Now a problem for your husband with moving back to the town he grew up in is: has he actually got anywhere in life? He knows how dull living in that town was.

I didn't move back to my home town I moved to a small town outside Manchester, so I have a big city to go to if I need the buzz, but a country lane with fields and cows if I want the peace. Heaven compared to London, but that is my opinion.

I have a friend from Newport South Wales she calls that her home, but she has lived in London for 40 years. She is now retired and could go back "home", but she knows she would miss London too much.

At no point in writing this post am I thinking about your father in law, and that is because this is a decision about you and your families future, and with the best will in the world he will not be part of your family for too long.

I am sure there are all sorts of compromises, city in Wales, town near city, equity release from FIL to buy second home near FIL (you and FIL would need financial advice on that, and consideration of impact on inheritance for siblings) etc. etc.

Dave

User

Posted 08 Aug 2022 at 22:34

You responded to Andy while I was typing my first response and have also provided additional information in response to my post. I can now see that there are positives and negatives to what you proposed but only you and your husband can decide what to do. Children are generally very adaptable and make friends easily and quite quickly mainly through school and after school activities. However, in due course they may want to go to Uni and move to somewhere where there are wider or more opportunities. This is what one of my grandchildren is planning. My wife and I moved to North Devon from Surrey to support our younger daughter who at the time was left by herself with 3 children in the autistic spectrum, We were contemplating moving but not so far from the life we had built in Surrey. Where we were we were reasonably close to The Royal Marsden and leading hospitals in London and not so far from Gatwick, Heathrow and Luton airports and railway stations. Then there were the museums, theaters exhibitions and other attractions in London. We had friends and many events run by our local Residents Association. The weather was a little warmer. It's pleasant here in North Devon and the roads generally are not so busy but is very lacking in amenities. Our hospital, which caters for a vast area is a 'District Hospital' and only has a mobile MRI scanner that is there sometimes. When I go to London for a medical appointment I have to drive some 50 miles to pick up a train from Exeter. In truth we moved here to serve a need and on balance I regret doing so. Although I have ploughed a substantial amount of cash into improving our bungalow in North Devon, we could not afford to sell it and buy anything like the property we had in Surrey, because values have risen disproportionately there.

Just a few things you may consider.

Barry

User

Posted 09 Aug 2022 at 02:28

Barry is right moving back to London if you move away is a financial impossibility. You need to inherit property there, or plough your entire labour for your entire adult life into buying a shoe box there. Personally I prefer the Peak District.

Dave

User

Posted 11 Aug 2022 at 14:32

Hi all,

Thanks for your thoughts and insight. We have decided to make the move - having weighed up and pros and cons, it feels like the right decision for us as a family. I appreciate your taking the time to provide some views on the move and it definitely helps us go into it with open eyes!

User

Posted 11 Aug 2022 at 18:44

Excellent, as far as I'm concerned the quality of life in London is dreadful. But I do accept that's just my opinion at my stage in life, and for others it is a ball.

Dave

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