Need to help stepmum process dad's advanced prostate cancer diagnosis

User

Posted 16 Aug 2022 at 09:22

Hi,

My dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer in August 2021. He’s tried a few treatments now, but hasn’t been responding well.

His consultant says we’re looking at a few months to a year absolute max. I’ve already begun trying to process what’s happening, but my stepmum is struggling to do the same.

She seems to be in denial about what’s happening. He doesn’t have an appetite and she’ll tell him the reason he’s feeling bad is because he’s not eating, not because of the cancer. She’s still got him doing jobs around the house and gets frustrated when he needs to spend time in bed resting. She also keeps telling me he needs therapy because he bottles everything up, but he talks very openly with my brother and I.

He’s currently in hospital after a really bad turn and she hasn’t been to visit him since he was admitted 72 hours ago.

Dad is leaning heavily on my brother and I for support, but I worry about what it’ll be like at home once he’s discharged. We’re grown and don’t live with him anymore.

I also worry that my stepmum will look back once he’s gone and wish she’d handled the situation differently. Our relationship has always been a little tricky, but has come on hugely in recent years.

How can I speak to her without her feeling as though I’m telling her off? I just want to get through to her for her sake and the sake of my three half sisters (11, 20 and 23).

Any help is very very much appreciated! Thank you :)

User

Posted 16 Aug 2022 at 17:11

Is a hospice involved yet? Hospice isn't just about somewhere to stay whilst you die, it is also about managing the whole process. So if it is appropriate for your dad to get involved on medical grounds with a hospice then he should. Your stepmom may then see that this illness is terminal and she may realise she has to face up to it.

Dave

User

Posted 16 Aug 2022 at 18:44

This is a difficult one, and it is a situation I've come across, but I don't have any magic answers.

Could you use the fact she hasn't seen him for a few days as an excuse to get her to sit and listen to you explain how he is now, and how he's likely to be, and what she can expect of him and how to support him?

It sounds like she's in denial, and that may be her way of coping. She will need some help to find another way of coping. Maybe you could ask her what her view of the situation is, and take the discussion from there. Supporting someone is about listening to them, to find out what their understanding is, and their worries, concerns, fears, etc. You could put to her some things she perhaps should be doing while he's still around, ranging from spending time together, through to practical things like making sure she knows how to take over things he may be doing now, or arranging someone else in the family to take that over.

User

Posted 16 Aug 2022 at 20:02

I have been where you are. In hindsight, I wish we hadn't tried to 'make' the step-parent understand what was happening, it just caused distress and bad feeling. A referral to the local hospice is a great idea - they usually have counsellors or trained volunteers who can support your half-sisters and, if you have a quiet word with them, they will be skilled in managing conversations with your step-mother to help her grasp the reality of the situation. If not the local hospice, Macmillan usually offer similar support.

Also worth dropping the GP a note re your concerns - although data protection legislation often prevents GPs from sharing info with family members without consent, there is no data protection issue with family sharing data with the GP!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 17 Aug 2022 at 12:25

Thanks so much for your response, Dave. He actually mentioned in passing the other day that the hospice had been in touch about palliative care (obviously the 'p' word caused a stir) and he reassured me in the same way you have. They're currently using a combination of chemo and radium therapy to try and ease some of the discomfort and shrink the cancer, which is pressing on his spine. After that I think hospice will be the next step.

User

Posted 17 Aug 2022 at 12:27

Really appreciate your response, Andy. She's going to visit him today, so it'll be interesting for me to hear when I see/speak to him tonight about how that went. She is visiting with my youngest sister though, which means he'll probably be making every effort to put on a brave face. I have plans to see her at the weekend, so I think I will chat to her as you've suggested here. Thank you!

User

Posted 17 Aug 2022 at 12:31

Hi Lyn, thanks for taking the time to respond to my message. I'm so sorry you've been in a similar situation before. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me. The step-parent relationship isn't always the easiest one, and certainly isn't with our history so I'm very wary of creating a rift, especially when my stepmum is bearing the brunt of the stress going on at their family home. I'm going to chat to dad about the hospice stuff tonight and see if he has any clarity on that. Thanks again! P.S. What a brilliant quote, I will be making a note of it.

User

Posted 17 Aug 2022 at 14:08

If the tumour is pressing on his spine, make sure before he goes home that he, you and your step-mother know the signs and indicators of spinal cord compression. SCC is a medical emergency requiring 999 action - your step-mum needs to know how important it is to act!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

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