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Husband 2 weeks post op and depression has hit hard

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User
Posted 05 Oct 2022 at 14:50

Radical prostatectomy (DaVinci assisted) w/nerve sparing and bi-lateral lympadectomy- done.

Catheter - out.

Stage 2+ 10% of prostate, Perineural involvement. All good news, we were told. Thank God ❤️ 

Except now, that dastardly leaking urine has my strong, loving husband, reduced to something I can't even put into words. 

He wants to sleep in the spare bedroom until he can control his bladder (which could be forever) . He cried and said "I made the wrong choice!" Then, later "They took more than my prostate.." 

He made me leave the room. As I shut the door, I could hear him sobbing. Later that night, I heard him in the bathroom, crying as he was cleaning himself up. I hear him at all hours, when he thinks im asleep, crying. It's so sad!  It's been like this day & night. The only difference is, during the day, he's just short and cranky with me. I  can handle that. But the sadness? I feel like I should be able to help him. When I try, I  make it worse.

Help me?

I know it's early days (2 weeks), but I've never seen him like this. I realize he needs space to process and grieve for what was lost, but is this normal?

He won't let me call his doctor. And I don't want to Google this.

Could you lovely people please tell me what has worked for you? 

Especially any men reading this. 

Please & thank you 😊 

 

User
Posted 05 Oct 2022 at 15:37
Nothing to Google- its perfectly normal at this stage to have no bladder control. If he needs to clean himself up, he is either not wearing strong enough pads or the position of the pad is wrong.

Distress / low mood is common after the treatment is done; adrenaline gets the person from diagnosis to treatment and then there is a void ... is that it? Did I choose the right path? Support seems to have disappeared - everyone expects me to be okay now.

It is a phase and doesn't usually last long but there is good information about it on the Macmillan website

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 05 Oct 2022 at 20:51
Two weeks out?? Wow that is normal, took me months to regain continence.. Needs to talk to you and his medical team so he understands his recovery path a bit better..
User
Posted 06 Oct 2022 at 00:17

Your husband has unrealistic expectations for himself. Your earlier post, about him thinking he can't be a man if he can't satisfy his wife, showed that.

Two weeks post op he can not expect any worthwhile recovery, so he shouldn't be beating himself up about it.

If he is religious then he'll have to accept God will be planning his recovery so he may as well take it easy, and go with the plan.

If he ain't religious (I am not) then he needs to accept he is an ape who fell out of a tree and managed to walk upright. That we live long enough to get cancer is a minor achievement. That another bunch of apes can prod us around with knives and forks and cut cancer out is a major achievement. Any kind of recovery from that is a miracle.

Just because the above two paragraphs make sense to me, it doesn't mean he will see it that way, but I can only tell you what makes sense to me.

I can see the practicalities of not sharing a bed until he has got this under control. Adding the guilt of upsetting your night won't be helpful. I think maybe you should agree, but tell him it's only for one month, and if he ain't back in your bed your going in to his. Also tell him you will demanding extra cuddles all day every day to make up for being alone at night.

As Lyn says this is hopefully a passing phase, if it persists then get help.

 

Dave

User
Posted 05 Oct 2022 at 14:50

Radical prostatectomy (DaVinci assisted) w/nerve sparing and bi-lateral lympadectomy- done.

Catheter - out.

Stage 2+ 10% of prostate, Perineural involvement. All good news, we were told. Thank God ❤️ 

Except now, that dastardly leaking urine has my strong, loving husband, reduced to something I can't even put into words. 

He wants to sleep in the spare bedroom until he can control his bladder (which could be forever) . He cried and said "I made the wrong choice!" Then, later "They took more than my prostate.." 

He made me leave the room. As I shut the door, I could hear him sobbing. Later that night, I heard him in the bathroom, crying as he was cleaning himself up. I hear him at all hours, when he thinks im asleep, crying. It's so sad!  It's been like this day & night. The only difference is, during the day, he's just short and cranky with me. I  can handle that. But the sadness? I feel like I should be able to help him. When I try, I  make it worse.

Help me?

I know it's early days (2 weeks), but I've never seen him like this. I realize he needs space to process and grieve for what was lost, but is this normal?

He won't let me call his doctor. And I don't want to Google this.

Could you lovely people please tell me what has worked for you? 

Especially any men reading this. 

Please & thank you 😊 

 

User
Posted 05 Dec 2023 at 21:29

Catheter out 2 weeks ago, ,like hubby, my world fell apart, no one told me it would this bad ,( or maybe they did ), but after feeling sorry for myself for two weeks ,i decided to do something about it ,, I got back on to hospital, who have booked me in for physio, and got an appointment for incontinence nurse , I might not get rid of this completely but am going to try , , hope your husband finds some strength in these comments as well as you do 

please stay strong we will get through this together 

User
Posted 05 Dec 2023 at 21:54

Gerry is correct, whatever treatment you have I think you have to be VERY proactive with your recovery and side effects. If you sit back you will feel down and depressed and your recovery will take longer, so search for solutions to any problems that will undoubtedly surface, it’s not always easy but as Gerry said it WILL help.

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User
Posted 05 Oct 2022 at 15:33

It's early days, and most men are still incontinent at that point.

Is he doing pelvic floor exercises, and has he been taught how to do them properly?

When does he leak?
In bed at night?
When sitting still?
When walking?
While getting up or sitting down?

Has it changed at all since the catheter came out?

Being incontinent is probably what most men fear the most. I see you're not in the UK. It may be worth looking for a local support group or organisation in your country which can provide 1-2-1 support by a nurse or patient with experience.

User
Posted 05 Oct 2022 at 15:37
Nothing to Google- its perfectly normal at this stage to have no bladder control. If he needs to clean himself up, he is either not wearing strong enough pads or the position of the pad is wrong.

Distress / low mood is common after the treatment is done; adrenaline gets the person from diagnosis to treatment and then there is a void ... is that it? Did I choose the right path? Support seems to have disappeared - everyone expects me to be okay now.

It is a phase and doesn't usually last long but there is good information about it on the Macmillan website

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 05 Oct 2022 at 20:51
Two weeks out?? Wow that is normal, took me months to regain continence.. Needs to talk to you and his medical team so he understands his recovery path a bit better..
User
Posted 06 Oct 2022 at 00:17

Your husband has unrealistic expectations for himself. Your earlier post, about him thinking he can't be a man if he can't satisfy his wife, showed that.

Two weeks post op he can not expect any worthwhile recovery, so he shouldn't be beating himself up about it.

If he is religious then he'll have to accept God will be planning his recovery so he may as well take it easy, and go with the plan.

If he ain't religious (I am not) then he needs to accept he is an ape who fell out of a tree and managed to walk upright. That we live long enough to get cancer is a minor achievement. That another bunch of apes can prod us around with knives and forks and cut cancer out is a major achievement. Any kind of recovery from that is a miracle.

Just because the above two paragraphs make sense to me, it doesn't mean he will see it that way, but I can only tell you what makes sense to me.

I can see the practicalities of not sharing a bed until he has got this under control. Adding the guilt of upsetting your night won't be helpful. I think maybe you should agree, but tell him it's only for one month, and if he ain't back in your bed your going in to his. Also tell him you will demanding extra cuddles all day every day to make up for being alone at night.

As Lyn says this is hopefully a passing phase, if it persists then get help.

 

Dave

User
Posted 17 Nov 2022 at 12:03

I felt very similar, at a similar point. But for me the turning point came around week 9 post op, when I really felt a sigificant improvement. As others have said, make sure PFE is done religously. Take comfort in the days it's better and try not to worry about the days when it feels like it's gone backwards.

Also, it might be worth seeing an incontinence physio. I saw one around week 10 and she was able to check and see that I was doing my PFE correctly. 

I'm now around week 12, fully back to work, walking a lot and back to running - all with minimal leakage. It does get better!

User
Posted 22 Nov 2022 at 22:40

When the surgeon said before the op that I would have ‘good days and bad days’ I didn’t really know what he meant. It was only once the catheter came out that it hit me. 

Most men recover a great deal if not total continence but I, like many others I expect, fixated on the small number who didn’t. Would that be me? 

When the catheter came out and I had almost no bladder control, and my pad leaked and soaked my dads car seat and I soaked my trousers walking around town because I hadn’t got the hang of changing pads in time…well it was awful and distressing. I couldn’t see beyond this phase, nothing other than incontinence was in my line of sight.

But as the others have said, make sure he does his PFEs religiously. My continence improved gradually and was good enough at week 6 post op for me to start going back to work a couple of times a week an hours drive away. I’m week 10 post op (and going for my first meeting with the surgeon to talk results tomorrow) and I would say I am 90-95% continent.

Everyone is different but that has been my experience. I hope he sticks with his PFEs and, at some point, can accept his situation and get on with his life…and back in your bed.

Good luck.

Nick

User
Posted 23 Nov 2022 at 08:15

Heidi, how are the two of you doing? Any progress on his continence?

User
Posted 12 Sep 2023 at 11:47

Your post read just like my situation, only I was crying inside as we have grandchildren around most days. Its now five years but still very low in spirit but I can suggest checking out all the pads on the market as I find the ones with side wings seem to catch leaks better. I now use Tena for men Level 2 and some days there is very little in there but lifting grandchildren or digging the garden normally tests the pad to the extreme. I have invested in a decent mattress cover that does not make the bed hot as if I turned over in the night sometimes I leaked sideways or due to multiple hot flushes the bed was saturated with sweat. I have improved over the years so it does get better on the waterworks front. Still no usable errection but I have not given up hope!

I found I had to reduce my drinking as that had increased to stupid levels so now I only drink a limited amount of beer for three nights a week and no spirits at all.

I have my 'black dog' days to quote Churchill and do take anti depressants not that it seems to improve my mental state.

Hang on in there and some things will get better with time.

M

User
Posted 05 Dec 2023 at 21:29

Catheter out 2 weeks ago, ,like hubby, my world fell apart, no one told me it would this bad ,( or maybe they did ), but after feeling sorry for myself for two weeks ,i decided to do something about it ,, I got back on to hospital, who have booked me in for physio, and got an appointment for incontinence nurse , I might not get rid of this completely but am going to try , , hope your husband finds some strength in these comments as well as you do 

please stay strong we will get through this together 

User
Posted 05 Dec 2023 at 21:54

Gerry is correct, whatever treatment you have I think you have to be VERY proactive with your recovery and side effects. If you sit back you will feel down and depressed and your recovery will take longer, so search for solutions to any problems that will undoubtedly surface, it’s not always easy but as Gerry said it WILL help.

 
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