Struggling to process dad's diagnosis

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 09:30

My dad has recently told us all about his advance prostate cancer diagnosis. It has spread to the hip bone. He has been offered hormone injection treatment every 6 months. He said he has come to terms with diagnosis, he has had longer with this and the doctors / consultants have spoken with him at length.

I am really struggling to process everything. One minute I am fine, the next in tears. I'm not sleeping at night time. I've cancelled all plans with friends, the thought of doing anything celebratory just doesn't feel right.

He said there is nothing stopping him from having a good rest of his life and that he's not in any pain. I'm just so confused and don't know how to think or feel. So many conflicting messages about APC online - from 1-2 years expectancy up to 10 years plus. I know I shouldn't rely on web searches but I can't help it.

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 15:36

That's an excellent point, Elaine. When I was diagnosed with cancer I had counselling with Macmillan and found it really helpful.

Chris

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 17:33

I think you will get past the "I can't do anything nice because my dad has cancer" stage very quickly - now that he has had his first injection, nothing is really going to happen apart from him going for another injection every 6 months. You could put your life on hold and then realise in 10 years that you have just wasted time for no reason. The majority of men with your dad's diagnosis live for at least 5 years without any major loss of QoL and many live for at least 10 years. We have men on here who are 15+ years on from an advanced PCa diagnosis and are still not at the terminal stage.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 17:39

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

That is great to hear that you found the counselling helpful, just talking with you both has really helped me today.

The genorosity of both Chris and Elaine in their replies is what makes this site all too special.

Much love to you and your family Kelly, you'll find that strength from somewhere, perhaps even from here.

Jamie

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 11:48

Ultimately you need to be philosophical about it. It's not something anyone wants to happen, but it has, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Just as your Dad has, you need to accept that the situation is what it is. I'm sure your Dad wouldn't want you to stop enjoying your life because of his cancer diagnosis. Make the most of the time that you have together with him. I'm sure that he's in good hands medically speaking, and there's a whole raft of different treatments available that could keep him around for many years to come.

Best wishes,

Chris

Edited by member 25 Oct 2022 at 11:50 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 13:59

Hi Kelly,

Sorry you find yourself here.
The initial finding out, or in alot of cases the waiting to find out is just the worst time ever. When my husband was told he needed a bone scan before we even knew he had cancer (after MRI) I fell apart….couldn’t eat, sleep or function well and had all the up and down of emotions that you speak of. I genuinely thought that was it and couldn’t imagine ever smiling again 😢

He was diagnosed with advanced cancer. Fortunately for us that changed and he was able to have the operation.

When we got more of a plan in place and knew what was happening (even when we thought advanced) things did get better, still up and down days but we got on with life and had lots of fun still.

I don’t know your dads situation or full diagnosis but there are men on here who have lived a very long time with adv PCa. I really believe in keeping him fit and healthy and having a positive mindset and always believe anything is possible. None of us really know what the future holds so we just have to live life to the full every day.

I have also had some sessions with a counsellor that has helped, if you have a local cancer centre or Maggie’s…they can be really helpful too. The prostate cancer uk nurses are available to call and also macmillan. Lots of support out there for family members if you need it.

wishing your dad and your family all the best going forward

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 19:49

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Thank you Elaine for your kind words and really good advice.

My younger sisters are on holiday at the moment and have taken my dad's folder and paperwork with them so I really am blind to this, maybe that is adding to my struggles - I don't have all the facts, just that it is advanced prostate cancer - which is a scary thing to hear. My dad has made diet and lifestyle changes and is still very active which I guess will help him with his treatment / condition.

I think I may reach out to the nurses or Macmillan or through my employee assistance programme at work.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, I'm glad that you are both able to have a positive outlook and have fun together still, despite the down days.

I wish you both well too.

Well your dad is definitely doing all the right things and it’s so important.

You are effectively still waiting on full diagnosis as you don’t know all the details, and as I said it’s the absolute worst place to be. I’m sure things will seem clearer when you’ve had a chance to go through all your dads notes too and understand it more. Although Google is good for finding out some information (and I’m always googling 🤦🏻‍♀️) you will always arrive at the worst news if you look long enough. I know it’s so hard not to though.

Defintely reach out for support if you think it will help, as you will want to be in a good place to support your dad too.

Thanks for your best wishes. We feel we have been very lucky so far and just hoping it continues that way.

Keep us posted anyway and take care x

User

Posted 04 Nov 2022 at 21:05

Hello Kelly

Re the sorting out of finances etc. I did that as soon as I heard I had a lesion on my prostate and before my diagnoses. My elderly mother died earlier this year and it was a nightmare trying to get all her paperwork together.

I vowed that my wife and son would not go through that red tape hassle. I now have a folder which contains details of all my finances, legal details of birth and marriages, will, P.o.A, driving licence and most importantly National insurance number. I think this happens quite a lot.

I didn’t see this as a short term view I was just getting my affairs in order to make life simpler for my family.

Rgds

Dave

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User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 11:48

Best wishes,

Chris

Edited by member 25 Oct 2022 at 11:50 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 11:58

Thank you Chris, I am sure he is in really good hands and I know he wouldn't want me to put everything on hold for him. He wants me to support my younger sisters as they are vulnerable and also struggling to process the news. When I talk to them I am the optimistic one with a positive outlook but internally it is a much different story.

He is only 62, and a very young 62 at that - I think that is what makes it very difficult to understand.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I do appreciate it a lot.

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 13:59

Hi Kelly,

He was diagnosed with advanced cancer. Fortunately for us that changed and he was able to have the operation.

When we got more of a plan in place and knew what was happening (even when we thought advanced) things did get better, still up and down days but we got on with life and had lots of fun still.

wishing your dad and your family all the best going forward

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 15:36

That's an excellent point, Elaine. When I was diagnosed with cancer I had counselling with Macmillan and found it really helpful.

Chris

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 16:29

Thank you Elaine for your kind words and really good advice.

I think I may reach out to the nurses or Macmillan or through my employee assistance programme at work.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, I'm glad that you are both able to have a positive outlook and have fun together still, despite the down days.

I wish you both well too.

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 16:30

That is great to hear that you found the counselling helpful, just talking with you both has really helped me today.

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 17:33

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 17:39

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

That is great to hear that you found the counselling helpful, just talking with you both has really helped me today.

The genorosity of both Chris and Elaine in their replies is what makes this site all too special.

Much love to you and your family Kelly, you'll find that strength from somewhere, perhaps even from here.

Jamie

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 19:49

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Thank you Elaine for your kind words and really good advice.

I think I may reach out to the nurses or Macmillan or through my employee assistance programme at work.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, I'm glad that you are both able to have a positive outlook and have fun together still, despite the down days.

I wish you both well too.

Well your dad is definitely doing all the right things and it’s so important.

Defintely reach out for support if you think it will help, as you will want to be in a good place to support your dad too.

Thanks for your best wishes. We feel we have been very lucky so far and just hoping it continues that way.

Keep us posted anyway and take care x

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 21:02

I will do, thank you x

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 21:03

Thank you Jamie, I really appreciate your kind words x

User

Posted 25 Oct 2022 at 21:04

Thank you Lyn, that is really reassuring and helpful to read.

User

Posted 04 Nov 2022 at 14:06

Update - my dad had an appointment with his oncologist yesterday who have now given him two options for treatment; chemotherapy or hormone tablets (in addition to the half yearly hormone injections).

He said that they’ve advised if he has chemo and it doesn’t work, then he can try the hormone tablet treatment; however if he has the hormone treatment first and it doesn’t work, chemo won’t be an option.

I know people react differently to treatments, he’s worried about chemo (we all are) because the side effects don’t look particularly enjoyable.

The thing that upset me the most yesterday was that dad, although he’s been very positive and accepting of all this, is talking very short term. Looking at finances for the next year, getting things in order, saying we need to get things booked in for the next few weeks. It all sounds too quick but I’m guessing it’s normal.

He’s invited me to his next oncologist appt at the end of this month where he will make a decision on treatment. Hoping that will give a bit more clarity.

User

Posted 04 Nov 2022 at 21:05

Hello Kelly

I didn’t see this as a short term view I was just getting my affairs in order to make life simpler for my family.

Rgds

Dave

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