Partner Lack of Interest

In supporting patients, I have come across many cases of younger men who have gone through prostate cancer, finished their treatment with most things now working well enough, only to find their wife has gone through menopause during the treatment, and is no longer interested or finds intercourse uncomfortable. If the couple want to do something about it, there is help available - start with the GP.

Menopause can cause havoc in a couples sex life, particularly after the man has had prostate treatment and has a high libido. We wanted to reclaim our sex life and fortunately we have managed. My wife played a large part in this challenging situation in our life. She was happy to write the following because she has a great deal of sympathy for women who are menopausal. I hope it helps other wives and partners.

We decided quite quickly after surgery to use a VED because at Pratap’s age his erections had been getting a little weaker and not lasting as long. We tried Viagra etc for a few weeks with little or no success.

 A great discovery for us was a particular type of vaginal moisturiser called YES VM. At my age although I use Wellsprings Serenity Natural Progesterone Cream for Women (www.wellsprings-health.com), a plant-based hormone replacement cream, I was beginning have vaginal dryness which was not fun. This amazing stuff can be found by googling www.yesyesyes.org.  I kid you not! It is organic, has no side effects and is better that KY jelly which is rather heavy. I am a really allergic and reactive type and if I can tolerate it so will most people. Do have a look.

 Before our discovery of this product, because after prostatectomy Pratap’s penis does not receive natural lubrication he had to use water-based lubricant like KY Jelly for our comfort. We found this quite unsatisfactory because either he ended up using too much (for my comfort) which he found too slippery to achieve an orgasm or too little which helped him but not too comfortable for me. But the introduction of YES VM solved the problem I could control the amount of lubricant I insert and he uses none. And by trial and error we have been able to control the level of lubricant to suit both of us, such that it is comfortable for me bur not too slippery for him; win win!  Another benefit of using this lubricant is that Pratap really likes the feel of my vagina and he says it feels like old times, pun not intended!

 For us we find that after loads of what used to be called back in the day, heavy petting, which is fun, (on our bed, best in the afternoon these days as often by night time I am tired) Pratap goes to our en-suite bathroom to pump himself up, during which time I use the individual one time use applicator of the YES VM and wait for him. It’s all fun and works for us anyway. I think he has explained we use the spoon position, and I use the Eroscillator (This is the only vibrator Dr Ruth, the well known sexologist, recommends). Our sense of humour and understanding has helped us  along this pilgrimage of reclaiming our sex life.

Hi …another female perspective here…
Steve and I been married 38 years (61 & 60 respectively), we think our sex drives are pretty evenly matched, some place between ‘rare and rampant’. First six years together in our youth pretty rampant then along came kids and the inevitable sexual rarity that goes with bringing up a family and both full time jobs.

Kids all gone about 12 years ago so sex became more easy for us for 3-4 years but then new things got in the way, stresses of jobs and menopause! I’ve always felt for me that the desire for sex starts in my brain, I have to have strong feelings (love etc as well as lust) and during the menopause, night sweats, lack of sleep, fatigue meant that sex was last thing I wanted, and on the rare occasions I did, the messages from my brain to say ‘let’s do this’ weren’t getting through to my body. I found my erogenous zones had disappeared and of course the usual sexual wetness was like the Sahara dessert!! This really freaked me out and at that point I really thought I could live without us having sex again (just give me a cuddle!!).

But Steve was so patient and understanding….so we talked a lot…and I realised I missed that intimate closeness so we decided to sort it as we both wanted a full marriage and we’re worried that we could drift apart as we had seen some of our friends do over the past years.

Step one was the talking; step two - doctors for me and subsequent HRT which I’ve been on for 3 years, no more flushes and night sweats or fatigue! So just the dryness which was easily solved with lubricant. Then end of last year saw us both retire and we thought that’s it…we’ve cracked it, let the good times and holidays begin….. then June 23 and PC diagnosis and the start of the challenges that will bring. But getting through the sexual problems we had above we feel have given us a different mindset to get through what this next stage throws at us!

In summary I guess I’m saying, you need to talk, you need to decide if you both want the intimacy of sex still and if not, is there a reason why not? Are there other problems to solve first to help get your sex life back?

Debbie

meant to add, Gaz above mentions they are both happy to give up the sex side ….the key is as long as you are both happy in your decision that works for you

Edited by member 13 Aug 2023 at 16:20  | Reason: Missed a bit