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Would it be fair to look for love following a Stage 4 diagnosis?

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User
Posted 05 Aug 2023 at 23:08

I've been on my own a long time, following some bad experiences, including one which risked my life, and I lost my faith in the only ambition I ever truly had, which was to find love and end up living with someone for life. I am a gay male, aged 60, and have been celibate for the past 25 years, so I can cope with the chemical castration better than most and have had neither an erection or orgasm for 5 months now and remain catheterised as my bits shrink due to lack of use and the side-effects of therapy. But while the sexual side of me is done with, the emotional side if anything has got stronger and I am starting to feel rather alone.

I've been online since 2000 but never met anyone off it, and figured I'd be on my own for the rest of my days, and my only dream, now put paid to thanks to prostate cancer, was what I called my final furlong where I planned to move away to another part of the country and see out possibly another 20 years of living as an atheistic monk with only cats for company. But, whether it's the menopausal side-effects of the treatment making me want to unpause the men while turning me into an overemotional guy I feel the need for intimate and loving company again, for hugs and companionship if nothing else. I find myself wishing that I had a partner, like the straight men whose wives post to forums like this, and who I see accompanying them to the clinics which I attend alone.

But would it be fair on that person, obviously they would know the details, because I might not be around in 3 or 4 years, or maybe through the positivity of someone's warm regard I'll survive longer than that. Next week I'm going to a mens group where prostate cancer patients meet up once a month and part of me hopes there may be another guy like me there, preferably with a car for drives out (!) and mutual support. But it is likely fantasy that this would be the case, it will be older straight men and I'd need to use dating sites, where, frankly, when you've over 40 in the gay world you are over and done with even if in rude health.

So I pose the question, gay or straight, is it in principle right of me to even think this way, to look for someone in these circumstances, or am I in danger of being selfish or even foolish in my vulnerability with emotions at times all over the place?

User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 20:25

Thank you for the replies, and for the encouragement, which I also hope reaches out to anyone else who ever reads this topic who feels like I do, be they gay or straight. Having a cancer diagnosis certainly makes you take stock of your life, focusing on that which really matters most.

And besides the impact of the diagnosis the treatment has made me very emotional at times, in a way I wasn't previously, I'd shut it all away, but recently I've been laying awake at night wishing someone else was there, and that not sharing my life with someone, even at the eleventh hour, would be my only regret come the day I die.

Thank you for the links too. I live in the NW near the coast so the London one is a little too far away, but the Manchester group is possible, train and taxis, and though I've never Zoomed I see they do that too so I'll try to check that out if I can work out how to do it.

And then there's the off-chance that next week's local meet will produce an admiring gay or bisexual singleton who offers to give a lift home to this new guy who's on the bus, in the rain.

I thought I was emotionally tough, fiercely independent, and having been chemically castrated and a "little alien" attached to my penis (which is what I call the catheter leg bag as it reminds me of that thing which attached itself to John Hurt's face) I soon got rid of all my porn, not only because I didn't want extended family to find all the adult gay stuff when I'm gone (even though I came out in 1985) but because I realised I no longer needed it. It's starting to feel like nothing has stirred downstairs since Mrs Bridges made her last casserole.

This newfound feeling of 'purity' made me question if I was in fact gay any longer, certainly homosexual, so there's been this whole identity crisis to deal with too. Prostate cancer, the disease which keeps on giving...

But what I wasn't counting on was the diagnosis and possibly the estrogen bringing out the homoemotional side of me and making me face up to some home truths, some denials, which is that Steve needs a bloke, he secretly always did. It's been almost 4 months since I was diagnosed and I have not had a single hug, and my pillow has had enough of my own. 😂

Edited by member 06 Aug 2023 at 20:39  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 21:31

Hi Eurocentric,

It is everyone's right to seek companionship and to pursue relationships, so if that is what you really want, then go for it!  My only concerns would be that, having been celibate for 25 years, you are slightly out of practice in managing the ups and downs of relationships.  And, as you mention that you are feeling quite emotional at present (possibly due to the medication) you may read more into social situations than is warranted, and you may be more vulnerable to exploitation.  So, take care of yourself as you seek someone to care for.

Best wishes,

JedSee.

User
Posted 05 Aug 2023 at 23:39
You only get one shot at life, got to live it how YOU see fit.
User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 13:31

I don't think you should feel you need to lock yourself away. There will be someone out there for whom you're ideal. Neither do you need to limit yourself to just prostate cancer patients (who in any case might not be attending support groups with a view of finding companions), but will in any case be a good set of new friends. There are prostate cancer support groups for LGBTQ+ in Manchester (Out With Prostate Cancer) and South London (Metro Walnut), and I think Tackle were trying to resurrect a group in Birmingham which hadn't survived the lockdowns. There will be older gay men in many walks of life looking for companionship, and not necessarily able to have a sexual relationship for other reasons.

User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 16:46
Of course you can look for love and companionship regardless of your diagnosis and expected longevity! If you do meet a potential "Mr Right", though, I think it would be as well for both you and your potential partner to be up front about your diagnosis.

Best wishes,

Chris

User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 17:02

Everyone deserves someone to love and share their feelings with.

Derek

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User
Posted 05 Aug 2023 at 23:39
You only get one shot at life, got to live it how YOU see fit.
User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 13:31

I don't think you should feel you need to lock yourself away. There will be someone out there for whom you're ideal. Neither do you need to limit yourself to just prostate cancer patients (who in any case might not be attending support groups with a view of finding companions), but will in any case be a good set of new friends. There are prostate cancer support groups for LGBTQ+ in Manchester (Out With Prostate Cancer) and South London (Metro Walnut), and I think Tackle were trying to resurrect a group in Birmingham which hadn't survived the lockdowns. There will be older gay men in many walks of life looking for companionship, and not necessarily able to have a sexual relationship for other reasons.

User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 16:46
Of course you can look for love and companionship regardless of your diagnosis and expected longevity! If you do meet a potential "Mr Right", though, I think it would be as well for both you and your potential partner to be up front about your diagnosis.

Best wishes,

Chris

User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 17:02

Everyone deserves someone to love and share their feelings with.

Derek

User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 20:25

Thank you for the replies, and for the encouragement, which I also hope reaches out to anyone else who ever reads this topic who feels like I do, be they gay or straight. Having a cancer diagnosis certainly makes you take stock of your life, focusing on that which really matters most.

And besides the impact of the diagnosis the treatment has made me very emotional at times, in a way I wasn't previously, I'd shut it all away, but recently I've been laying awake at night wishing someone else was there, and that not sharing my life with someone, even at the eleventh hour, would be my only regret come the day I die.

Thank you for the links too. I live in the NW near the coast so the London one is a little too far away, but the Manchester group is possible, train and taxis, and though I've never Zoomed I see they do that too so I'll try to check that out if I can work out how to do it.

And then there's the off-chance that next week's local meet will produce an admiring gay or bisexual singleton who offers to give a lift home to this new guy who's on the bus, in the rain.

I thought I was emotionally tough, fiercely independent, and having been chemically castrated and a "little alien" attached to my penis (which is what I call the catheter leg bag as it reminds me of that thing which attached itself to John Hurt's face) I soon got rid of all my porn, not only because I didn't want extended family to find all the adult gay stuff when I'm gone (even though I came out in 1985) but because I realised I no longer needed it. It's starting to feel like nothing has stirred downstairs since Mrs Bridges made her last casserole.

This newfound feeling of 'purity' made me question if I was in fact gay any longer, certainly homosexual, so there's been this whole identity crisis to deal with too. Prostate cancer, the disease which keeps on giving...

But what I wasn't counting on was the diagnosis and possibly the estrogen bringing out the homoemotional side of me and making me face up to some home truths, some denials, which is that Steve needs a bloke, he secretly always did. It's been almost 4 months since I was diagnosed and I have not had a single hug, and my pillow has had enough of my own. 😂

Edited by member 06 Aug 2023 at 20:39  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 06 Aug 2023 at 21:31

Hi Eurocentric,

It is everyone's right to seek companionship and to pursue relationships, so if that is what you really want, then go for it!  My only concerns would be that, having been celibate for 25 years, you are slightly out of practice in managing the ups and downs of relationships.  And, as you mention that you are feeling quite emotional at present (possibly due to the medication) you may read more into social situations than is warranted, and you may be more vulnerable to exploitation.  So, take care of yourself as you seek someone to care for.

Best wishes,

JedSee.

User
Posted 08 Aug 2023 at 22:02

Thank you for your reply JedSee, and it' a very wise one. I am indeed a bit out-of-practice, and vulnerable so open to exploitation, and although I always was an emotional guy I'm now tanked up on the sort of brain chemistry which can see me cry at a mere advert.

Maybe it's the hormones speaking, or the facing up to my mortality, but having gone through 7 weeks of so-called sciatica, which even A&E upheld after 2 of those weeks, and at times in sheer agony as cancer had collapsed a vertebrae into the cauda equina nerves, and having emergency surgery and all that has followed across the past 3.5 months, I can honestly say that the pain I feel inside, the loneliness for a partner as a shoulder to cry on as reassuring words are given, is worst of all.

When I was in hospital I thought it was better I didn't have a partner visiting as the other patients did their wives & families, better for him that he wasn't going through this with me and would ultimately wind up alone. That was how I processed it. But this last week the nights have been pretty rough, when the silence falls. And there is no pain relief I can take for that, not unless I wished to take them all, which I won't, can't, as 2 cats depend on me. 😺 😸

To the straight posters on here, their anxious wives showing their love by posting too, or other men with male partners, promise me you will hold them dear, because I promise you that you'd be drowning without that rock to cling to.

Edited by member 09 Aug 2023 at 12:49  | Reason: Not specified

 
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