My husband was diagnosed last winter/spring and our marriage has taken a beating. Prior to cancer, I would say in general he is not big on communication and doesn't function at all under stress and I get anxious pretty quickly. In addition we have a libido mismatch, where mine is significantly higher. In good times, however, we are fabulous. I always joked that we were a "fair weather couple."
Needless to say, prostate cancer has been like a field of land mines for our marriage. It feels like at every turn there's another disaster awaiting us.
The current issue on the table is sex and libido. Prior to his surgery, I had a ton of anxiety about how things would play out. To be clear, I wasn't worried at all about ED. Despite (or maybe because of) my high libido, I don't need spontaneity, don't need an erection, don't need PIV and I am game for any kind of modifications necessary in order for us to connect. Where there is a will, there is a way!
We were extremely lucky post surgery in that he was almost immediately able to get a usable erection with just daily cialis. And he seemed (sort of) motivated.
Then his first PSA came back not undetectable. We are in the process of getting a second opinion but probably within the next month, he will start HT followed by salvage RT.
The thought of HT is devastating (to me.) We've been limping along with a libido mismatch that was already challenging. We now know that his testosterone is low which may have been the issue all along, but now there is nothing to be done about that, ever. And even if the course of HT is only six months, his chances of recovering to any kind of functional baseline are not great. And now he is having so much anxiety about more treatment and the fact that he still has cancer that he may as well be on HT, because his libido has already completely disappeared.
I want so badly to be the good wife who can suck it up and somehow imagine a satisfying marriage and life with a partner who does not desire me. But I can't get there. Where there's a will, there's a way, sure. But what if there is no will? And what if being desired by my spouse is fundamentally important to me? How does one cope without that? I am struggling to reframe things in a way I can manage. I worry that he will just shrug and we'll be done with an intimate relationship for good. But I also read about husbands trying to meet their wives physical needs even when they aren't into it and that sounds awful to me. It's not about getting off. The whole experience hinges on him being into it.
Leaving is not an option. Full stop. I would never do that to him or my children. But I feel trapped in a a very depressing circumstance of going through the motions to keep the family happy while trying to suppress the fact that I am miserable.
I realize no one like my husband is here, because he would *never* go to an online forum, but hoping someone out there can help me look at these constraints in some more positive light. Right now I feel like I am free falling into clinical depression.
Many thanks
Edited by member 26 Mar 2024 at 14:32
| Reason: Not specified