ANXIETY IS OVERWHELMING

I am 46 years old.  I am in the USA.  For over one year, my PSA was high but my doctor only repeated test.  Finally an MRI was performed on my prostate.  The results finally came back.  I have three PI-RAD 5 lesions.  Two are protruding into the capsule wall.  Nobody will tell me anything but we need a biopsy.  My biopsy is on Wednesday.  I’m freaking out.  This has consumed my life.  My doctor keeps telling me I need to wait for the biopsy, which seems like it is months away in my mind.  Once I do the biopsy, it will take 7-10 days to get a phone call from the doctor with the results.  The doctor keeps telling me that the clinic will take good care of me.  Of course, I am thinking she is telling me I have cancer but knows she can’t diagnose anything without a biopsy.  All these emotions are going on in my head.  I emailed some questions to her about some things she said in the office last week.  I asked about the MRI screening she saw because last week she mentioned it looked different.  Today, she said, “felt the tissue was difficult to delineate.”. I don’t even know what that word means.  Does that mean it was hard to tell.  I looked up delineate and it talked about the position of something.  Does that mean she found it difficult to determine its position?  Anyways, my anxiety is so high that I can only focus on nothing.  At the moment, I feel I am in denial.  I have 4 doctor friends, one being a radiologist, telling me to be prepared for having cancer after seeing the results of the MRI.  All 4 have told me that a benign tumor will not protrude into the wall of the capsule.  Now my urologist will not tell me anything.  She will only say that I am highly likely to have significant clinical cancer.  My radiologist friend said that means 90% or higher chance of having cancer.  I just want someone to tell me I have cancer so I can move forward and start researching on what my next steps are.  My husband says I am in denial about the whole thing.  One day I am holding to the hope that it is not cancer.  The next day I am acting as though I am dying.  I thought it was a great idea to get on Dr. Google and do my research.  BAD IDEA!!!!!  I’m not here, I am not in the present moment.  This has consumed my life.  In the past week, I have used 2 of my 10 Klonopin 1 mg to deal with the panic that I am going through.  I still have 12 days before I for sure will have some answers.  How are you dealing with this, or how did you deal with this prior to diagnosis?  I have convinced myself that if it is benign tumor would be worst issues than having the cancer.  I feel as though if I have the cancer, I will take out the prostate, have a few rounds of chemo and/or radiation, have some side effects, but move on with life.  I am driving myself crazy.

Hi DJ,

I'm sorry about your predicament. I'm sorry that you've had to find us, but glad that you have. No matter what your biopsy reveals, there will be lots of folk on here to help and support you.

What you are feeling is common mate. Most of us can empathise with you regarding the anxiety this disease can cause. Try and take one step at a time. That way, you'll be better in control of the disease; rather than allowing it to be in control of you.

Keep us posted and best of luck.

Adrian