Advice needed - Telling the Children

Hi Paul,

Sorry that you've had to join the club, but welcome anyway.

Obviously wait for your results. Have I read your PSA results correctly, has it decreased slightly? Your bio states the MRI was PIRADS 3 which means its inconclusive. Does it indicate if you've got an enlarged prostate. It might be that you have other prostate issues that have caused an elevated PSA.

I'd definitely wait until you've had your biopsy results, before mentioning it to the kids.

Mine were all in their 30's or 40's, I just told them I had the disease, but that, one in eight elderly men do. As things progressed I kept them updated accordingly.  I have two young grandkids 6 and 10. We've all avoided telling them. About a month after the prostatectomy, I was swimming with Oliver, who was then 9. He saw the key hole scars and asked about them. It told him they were where I'd been shot in the Army. No wonder I'm his hero. He'd never believe I was invincible. 

When first diagnosed, I told my daughter and we had a hug and a bit of a cry. Surprisingly, she waited a fortnight before asking if I've left her anything in the will. 😄

Edited by member 03 Apr 2024 at 11:54  | Reason: Not specified

Thanks Mary and good luck with the surgery. I am fairly pragmatic about it all myself, but I don't like the idea of giving the boys this type of news as it creates a history in the family and increase the risk of them also getting it. I know it is one of those things but how do you say " hi guys I know life is good at the moment but you are at a 50% higher risk of getting cancer" My eldest son is in his mid 30's so needs to start getting checked in a few years if all the information is correct. Not a conversation I am looking forward to having. 

Hi Paul

I have 3 kids, the youngest (12 year old girl) like yours, can be emotional. She starts secondary school in a few months. I'm sure she would freak out if she knew I had Pca. 

So we didn't tell her. 

Just to make sure she didn't find out, I didn't tell anyone. Only my wife and line manager know. 

This seems to be a different approach from most here. But mine have had a worry free 6 months (including Christmas). When I'm through the other side of this, post EBRT & Brachytherapy, I might tell them. Tell them that I'm cured, and it was never a big deal anyway, and didn't want to worry them.

As Adrian has said, wait for your results and then hopefully you might not have anything to tell them.

Good luck.

Not quite correct, one in eight get diagnosed with prostate cancer. The number who have prostate cancer is nearer to 80%, but about 75% of those men have it and it never gives them any trouble, they are never diagnosed with it, and they die of something else unrelated.

Edited by member 03 Apr 2024 at 18:57  | Reason: Not specified

I think it is sensible to wait until you have all your results - it isn't definite that you have cancer and you may still get the all clear. Once you have a full diagnosis and know how advanced it is, it is easier to think clearly about what to tell the kids and when. 

One important point is that your sons do not have a 50% higher risk because you have been diagnosed. Genetically linked prostate cancer is extremely rare (between 5% - 10% of all prostate cancers) and the biggest risk to your boys is the fact that they are male. If you had been diagnosed in your 30s or 40s, that would increase their risk - or if there is a history of male / female breast cancer / endometrial / uterine cancer among your immediate female relatives. 

I see your wife was still young when she got breast cancer - did she get BRCA testing when she was diagnosed? That would be the most significant risk factor for all your children.  

Thanks sure it will be ok, just need to get it done. At least it’s progress. The advice about the paracetamol is great, thank you

Prostate cancer in its self isn't a killer, it causes deterioration of quality of life. I said to my children "i didn't know this until recently but every man gets prostate cancer, there's 2 types, the type ive got gradually affects things like how i pee, maybe give me back pain can cause erectile dysfunction" 

The doctor recommends I have blah blah blah so that it doesn't cause the above issues

If I don't do anything I won't die or anything it just means me and your mum won't be having fumbling fridays or wakey wakey sunday mornings 

They'll be like dad "way too much information"

You make light of it, they'll make light of it.

When one of them says "dad can we talk about this" I'd say "ye sure we can talk about my erections and getting it on with your mum anytime you want"