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Dealing with expectations of wife

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User
Posted 03 Aug 2024 at 16:23

I am not an invalid, but neither am I an Olympic athlete. Along with advanced prostate cancer I have been diagnosed with Myotonic dystrophy, polycystic kidney disease, NAFLD, an enlarged heart, and leaking heart valves. Consequently I am not full of vim and vigour as I may otherwise be. I can basically look after myself: get dressed, walk around (ave 4000 daily steps), cook , shop etc. it is a great effort but I can and do mow the lawns. I very often have a nap 4pm- 6pm. I am 65, and my life expectancy is 53 (average le for adult onset MD1) if I just had MD - leaving aside PKD, etc, so I think I’m doing ok. My wife is 67 and is healthy, energetic and hard-working. She has recently started assigning me tasks (bearing in mind she does nearly everything I don’t think it’s unfair) but the latest of these was for me to sand down a garden seat, which I did. Unfortunately this wasn’t to her satisfaction and she thought I should have been much more vigorous, but I didn’t feel physically capable. I don’t like playing the invalid card all the time so I just took a larraping over it but I’m concerned about how to deal with this issue moving forward. Any advice gratefully received

User
Posted 03 Aug 2024 at 16:23

I am not an invalid, but neither am I an Olympic athlete. Along with advanced prostate cancer I have been diagnosed with Myotonic dystrophy, polycystic kidney disease, NAFLD, an enlarged heart, and leaking heart valves. Consequently I am not full of vim and vigour as I may otherwise be. I can basically look after myself: get dressed, walk around (ave 4000 daily steps), cook , shop etc. it is a great effort but I can and do mow the lawns. I very often have a nap 4pm- 6pm. I am 65, and my life expectancy is 53 (average le for adult onset MD1) if I just had MD - leaving aside PKD, etc, so I think I’m doing ok. My wife is 67 and is healthy, energetic and hard-working. She has recently started assigning me tasks (bearing in mind she does nearly everything I don’t think it’s unfair) but the latest of these was for me to sand down a garden seat, which I did. Unfortunately this wasn’t to her satisfaction and she thought I should have been much more vigorous, but I didn’t feel physically capable. I don’t like playing the invalid card all the time so I just took a larraping over it but I’m concerned about how to deal with this issue moving forward. Any advice gratefully received

User
Posted 04 Aug 2024 at 09:07

Thanks for the suggestion Lizzo. I probably won’t apply because although it’s not means tested we (thankfully) aren’t short of money and don’t want to be a burden on the public purse. (If Sir Kier takes all my money I may change my mind ๐Ÿ˜‚). I think using the money we have to pay for a bit of ad-hoc help may be the way ahead. Thanks again

Chris 

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User
Posted 03 Aug 2024 at 19:36

With all your medical issues you will be entitled to financial help such as Attendance Allowance - which is none means tested  - and your wife may be entitled to carers allowance ?

This will make you and your wife's life more comfotable - you could buy a new garden seat 

 

User
Posted 03 Aug 2024 at 20:22

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I am not an invalid, but neither am I an Olympic athlete.

You can be both mate. Look at paralympians.

Like you, I have a list of medical conditions which along with general ageing  have weakened and slowed me down. At times it saddens me that jobs which were once a doddle are now a nightmare. In addition, prostate cancer has caused other performance issues. I suspect that they'll be many on here who are worried about leaving their wives dissatisfied.

I think all we can do, is do our best, realise our capabilities and adapt our live styles accordingly.

As for wooden garden furniture. I got rid of mine years ago and got aluminum, much easier to maintain.

Lizzo. I don't think you can get carers allowance if you get a state pension but I'm not sure.

 

Edited by member 03 Aug 2024 at 20:52  | Reason: Typo

User
Posted 03 Aug 2024 at 20:50

Hi Chris,

Im sorry to be blunt but I find your wife’s attitude rather cruel! You’re trying hard to do the best you can but your wife is larruping you because you didn’t meet HER expectations. If you had been sitting on your butt doing nothing then perhaps her attitude would be justified, but what you need is support and encouragement, not being made to feel inadequate.

Have you tried having an open and Frank discussion with her about your feelings?

I think your wife perhaps needs some emotional and mental support so that she understands what you are going though and how she can support you on your journey. I know there are partner groups at MY Maggies Centre and partners are made most welcome just to drop in anytime for a chat, with or without you.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Derek

User
Posted 03 Aug 2024 at 21:22
I think Lizzo is correct about Attendance Allowance, though like all benefits you have to negotiate the application process. My mother-in-law (definitely a pensioner!) has it.

However that isn't the solution though money often eases other issues. As Decho says, you and your wife need to be able to discuss fully (and without a sense of blame) how you both contribute according to your capabilities. It is the sort of situation where having a couple counsellor as a neutral facilitator might be helpful.

User
Posted 04 Aug 2024 at 09:07

Thanks for the suggestion Lizzo. I probably won’t apply because although it’s not means tested we (thankfully) aren’t short of money and don’t want to be a burden on the public purse. (If Sir Kier takes all my money I may change my mind ๐Ÿ˜‚). I think using the money we have to pay for a bit of ad-hoc help may be the way ahead. Thanks again

Chris 

User
Posted 04 Aug 2024 at 09:29

Thanks for the reply Adrian. Yes I agree we need to adjust our approach mentally and physically as ageing/decrepitude tightens its grip. I think I’ve done this over the years. I find it a complex challenge to include my wife in this process. Essentially if I were to ham up how ill I feel then I think she would cut me more slack, but I don’t like doing that. I enjoy riding my motorbike (for example) which allows my wife to argue “you’ve got energy for that so why can’t you …” and she’s right of course. It’s obviously easier to do fun stuff as well as chores when you’re healthy, but harder when not healthy. And I dont want to give up the fun stuff altogether (I’ve had to modify the amount of fun stuff I do along with everything else). I think the answer, as with a lot of things, is better communication to try to help my wife manage her expectations of me, without having an argument, and maybe to establish a budget to pay for additional help when needed. Thanks again for the support 

 

Chris

 

User
Posted 04 Aug 2024 at 09:38

Hi Decho.

thanks for your reply. Unfortunately I do spend a lot of time sitting on my butt whilst my wife is busy doing stuff (not always at home , very often for other people). So she’s not being totally unreasonable. Nonetheless I can only do my best and sometimes that falls short of what she thinks I should be able to do.

Mainly I need to communicate with her better but also I need to do a bit more (which to be honest I probably could).

and I will try.

 

all the best

 

Chris

 

User
Posted 04 Aug 2024 at 10:40

Chris,

Doing ‘fun’ stuff together and on your own I believe is SO important in getting through this. Sometimes I just like to do fun stuff on my own with my thoughts, especially when I go away on my ebike. I’m planning a trip in the Trossachs tomorrow or Tuesday…just love it up there and it’s so calming๐Ÿ˜Š

Derek

 
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