Hi Cheryl,
During my investigations I didn't worry, I had a pretty clear view that I had got cancer. The evidence was all pointing that way, numbers, scores, feelings, all were spot on for having something wrong.
So I pretty much prepared myself for getting the bad news.
Sandra was worried though, like you said, the thought of losing me was a very upsetting and scary for her.
Although I wasn't worried, in the sense of being scared of the outcome (remember I was pretty sure that I had got cancer), I could not stop thinking about what would happen to us both when my condition was confirmed. Bucket lists, holidays, would we need to move house, all kinds of things I never thought I'd have to consider. I guess you can call that worrying, whatever it was, it was unstoppable and completely normal.
When I finally got the all clear I was stunned, because I had prepared myself for a whole new reality, which has not come to fruition. Oh I was over the moon, but also quite exhausted and very frustrated that I had wasted so much time on something I didn't need to.
But looking back, it wasn't a waste, it changed us for the better. Sure it hurt and was scary, but it made us that little bit stronger, even after thirty odd years of marriage.
We are very lucky that I have dodged a bullet, so far, and that we don't have to change anything radical. But it's definitely made us appreciate things a little more, it's not scrooge or it's a wonderful life territory, but its a positive that has come from something incredibly negative.
I hope and pray that your story has a happy ending, even though I know the ride is pretty bumpy right now. But if things do go south, this period will have given you some strength to deal with what comes next.
Sending you our love and positive energy,
Mick and Sandra xxx