We men, when diagnosed with this dreadful life threatening/changing disease, forget that it is a couples' disease and wives/partners need help and sympathy to help them to support their husbands and partners. With hindsight I realise that I acted very selfishly and at the time I didn't realise how shocked and upset my wife was.
That was fourteen years ago and when we discussed how we both felt at the time, my wife pointed out what she wrote in her diary at the time:
Cancer can change a sensitive and loving man through fear and pride, into a selfish version of himself. Normally a kind loving husband and father, he turned into a frightened, self-absorbed person
Shortly after diagnosis came the divisive effect. Pratap didn’t want anyone to know about the diagnosis, so I couldn’t share my fears with anyone. I kept my few close friends ignorant of our worries, which in turn made me feel less of a friend. I was expected and wanted to support Pratap but he didn’t realise that I needed some emotional support too.
Trapped by the notion of ‘not wishing to be defined by cancer’ he wanted to suffer it all out in secret by himself. Other than our adult children we didn’t tell our wider families or friends. He certainly knew my despair, that I could not derive any comfort from anyone else. Fortunately I practise yoga and meditation and found peace in that way.
We have moved on from that. He did not lose his basic loving sensitivity really, but he was very stressed obviously by the prospect of the operation and fear.
Fortunately the damage I caused did not affect our relationship at all.
Edited by member 03 Feb 2025 at 14:36
| Reason: Not specified
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
Fascinating perspective Pratap, I can only speak for myself and don’t want to generalise, but I was a bit like you…didn’t want to tell anyone except close family and friends, and I couldn’t bear to watch or listen to anything about cancer, no matter what type of cancer it was. I don’t think I was selfish though with my family and especially my wife…maybe she would say differently, I must ask her🤔🤔🤔🤔
I realise now that I just hadn’t come to terms with my disease and once I DID, then I was able to open up and now I am more than happy discuss my disease with anyone. in fact I was having a conversation on the plane on the way home from Fuerteventura. I had one of my flushes, got my fan out and they looked puzzled so I explained. I don’t thrust it down people’s throats but I reckon if you can help awareness in any way then it’s worth it.
The turning point for me was when my wife (finally) dragged my along to Maggies to speak to a councillor with her, and talked me into joining the men’s cancer support group. i remember my first session, I wasn’t going to speak…but I did and when I’d did I opened up about everything going on in my life, not just the cancer. And when I came out I felt so much better. I still go to Maggies every week I can, and I see the same thing every time a man comes in with a new diagnosis of cancer. They’re like a rabbit in headlights, but if they open up about it(sometimes privately with a member after the group session is finished) they go home feeling SO much better. I am convinced that it helps them come to terms with this disease. We have many tears(and tissues on standby!) but we have so many laughs and positive news as well. on Friday I was telling them about my testosterone return and the fact that it’s a double edged sword….on the one hand it’s great to feel like a man again, but on the other hand I am scared s*** that when it comes back, my PSA will start to rise again. Hope! That’s what we have and we just have to hope that all will be well.
Derek
User
Hi another worried wife,
Don't beat yourself about your feelings..we all deal with this in different ways and the fact your OH is glass half full type is good. Staying positive is a major plus on this journey. I’ve suffered the full range of emotions…..anxiety(I’m going to die), anger(why me?), sadness(what’s happened to my body?), and joy(I’m hopefully cured🤞🤞).
Once you have a treatment plan in place I’m sure both of you will feel better…just be good to yoruselves in the meantime.
Best of luck on your journey,
Derek
User
Merrivales husband is probably one of the trial subjects who have changed Abi to an upfront treatment that is proven to deliver. It used to be a second line treatment but not any more.
User
Originally Posted by: Online Community MemberMerrivales husband is probably one of the trial subjects who have changed Abi to an upfront treatment that is proven to deliver. It used to be a second line treatment but not any more.
yes he was , it was the stampede trial . He was originally given abi and Enzo combo (arm j) . That along with prosap totally wiped his strength away ,but he was determined to stay on it . About 3 yrs ago it was reported that taking both gave no more significant than just taking the Abi ,so the Enzo was stopped . His PSA has continually been undetectable. He’s still monitored just taking Abi and prosap with 12 weekly blood tests and phone calls .
definitely worth asking about trials ,even if given a placebo you are monitored a lot more than normal appointments.
Debby
User
Hi Derek
My wife doesn't think about that decision on my part but I still feel very guilty! Even now nobody other than our two adult children and their wife/partner know about my history of prostate cancer! Of course a lot of people I have never met, as in this forum, know a lot about me. I am weird!
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
Pratap, I shut my wife out of my decisions when I was diagnosed, it was my problem I was going to sort it my way. I did talk to complete strangers about the cancer. I am not proud of how I did things. You are not weird ,just coping with things your way.
Thanks Chris