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Over enthusiastic partner

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User
Posted 26 Jul 2025 at 12:44

Hi guys I have been on this journey for over 11 years, when it was first suspected I had cancer, I shut family out and dealt with it on my own. I went to the biopsy on my own and went to the post biopsy diagnosis meeting alone, not proud to admit I sent my wife a text after seeing the consultant and before seeing the cancer nurse specialist to say I had been diagnosed with cancer. 

My wife's first involvement was to take drive me to the hospital for surgery, we had a meeting with the surgeon pre surgery and it reminded why I wanted to do it all on my own. My wife has been supportive in a practical way. This will sound callous but I have allowed her to attend all the meetings over the last 11 years, sometimes I would like to have discussions with the consultants on my own about QOL v EOL but that is not easy with my wife present. I do go alone for most local scans and tests, for practical reasons she has driven me to most of the distant scans. I will always attend any meetings she goes to for her own health issues. 

Our daughter has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and the maternal care has kicked in big time. My daughter finds it difficult to cope with all the fussing and has attended all but one of her meetings alone, the presence of her mother at that meeting didn't help. My daughter like me are able to cope with cancer in a calm and rational way , yes there has been the odd " I am going to be dead in two years time, but the overenthusiastic care is proving too much for my daughter. 

My wife does work full time, my wife's mother and father are in their late eighties and her mother has dementia, so she has got a lot on her plate, things escalated this morning because my daughter wants me to stop with her for the obligatory 24 hours after surgery, and my wife feels surplus to requirements for both me and my daughter.

The purpose of the post really is, do any of you have an partner who has the best of intentions but is to overenthusiastic with there care,  do they fire 101 questions about how you are, offer numerous ideas of what additional alternative or additional treatments could be used. At a time when a bit of calmness is really required the opposite is happening. 

Thanks.

 

User
Posted 27 Jul 2025 at 05:22
My wife never wanted to discuss cancer, having lost her father and eldest sister to it both at a young age. I told her once how many wives and partners on this forum supported their men, and she replied that she supported me in other ways, which she did. So she never accompanied me on my appointments or check-ups, other than joining me for one week of the six I spent in Germany for radiation and that was largely spent exploring the area. She did accompany me to several of the Forum get-togethers we had years ago, but preferred not to socialize because inevitably the subject of cancer came up. So I did my research, made and attended appointments etc, alone. I suppose it was a reason why I joined the forum to receive and give support. However, she did write me a note thanking me for looking after us both so well and said some other nice things, and that was after her Dementia diagnosis, but while she still had capacity. I found it when going through her papers last year, after she passed.
Barry
User
Posted 26 Jul 2025 at 19:36

Best wishes to your daughter Chris. 

My wife is a bit no nonsense but does things if I ask, she also got upset after the biopsy result. So I'm a bit wary of what is talked about.

We always go together to discussions as she picks up things I miss or puts a different slant on it.  I've wondered if a phone call would be needed to cover anything I'd want to know about later stages. But she might be her practical self. Even though I've to persuade her to update our will as she doesn't want to talk about it. 

It sounds like your case is that you think your wife is too busy.

Edited by member 26 Jul 2025 at 19:38  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 26 Jul 2025 at 21:59

Chris, I'm probably like you, but I don't have a partner, although at the time, both parents were still alive, and I'm close to my brother's family.

I also didn't tell anyone while I was going through diagnosis (which in my case took 6 months). I could cope with the appointments myself, but I didn't have the emotional reserve to support family members, and when you tell someone else, you do have to support them - it's probably even more a shock to them than it was to you. I wanted to be able to support them when I told them, which included being able to answer questions such as my prognosis, treatment, etc. so I needed to know my diagnosis first, which was taking some time. And I needed the emotional reserve to support them.

When I thought I had my final diagnosis, I told my brother, in part to discuss how to tell our parents. It was quite a weight off me to have told someone, and he wouldn't have pushed to go to appointments anyway, unless I asked him to, and I didn't really want anyone else at appointments anyway. I told my parents, and they were actually too shell-shocked to ask me anything. In some ways, I would have preferred not to tell them, but I was partly their carer, so it would have been impossible to hide.

Then the hospital changed their minds and decided they still didn't understand my diagnosis, so I had more consultations and tests. Just as I walked out the first of these, my phone rang, and dad asked what had happened. I hadn't yet processed the information myself, and I couldn't handle being asked about it yet. That absolutely confirmed in my mind that it was right for me to handle this on my own. For subsequent consultations, I said I was just going for a blood test, so this didn't arise.

Everyone is different though. Most people will want a partner to help support them, although I do know of some other people whose partners are not able to do that, and the patient ends up having to support their partner in the consultations, instead of trying to get the information they want from the consultant. I come across this also in the 1-2-1 support I do now, and there are things guys might want to ask about without their loved ones being in the room.

It's good your daughter feels comfortable with you helping her and that must be a big comfort, although that may be difficult for your wife to understand.

User
Posted 27 Jul 2025 at 08:14

Hi Chris,

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's diagnosis, mate. I hope she makes a full recovery.

Although my stepson and stepdaughter are both in their mid thirties, my wife still treats them as children. We often have disagreements about her mollycoddling them. 

When my stepdaughter was undergoing tests for suspected cancer, my wife was distraught, and her over protective maternal instinct really kicked in. Fortunately the tests proved negative.

When I was diagnosed, it came as no surprise to either of us. My dad had died of the disease and my younger brother had been diagnosed a couple of years before.

My wife has supported me throughout. She's attended all the consultstions and drove me to the hosptal  for the op and collected me the following day.  Fortunately her support for me has not been as over zealous as the support and concern she gives her kids. 😁

One thing is for sure my wife has dealt with me having cancer a lot better than I'd have coped with her having it. I'm pretty good at dealing with my own health issues but not so calm and collected when my loved ones are suffering.

My own lads are now in their forties and I dread them having prostate cancer. I wouldn't want them to go through the same and would be far more concerned about their well-being than I was my own.

What I find particularly heartening about this forum, is how so many wives and partners join to help and support their men folk. It's a disease, especially as it often affects sexual intimacy, that can have a profound aeffect on relationships. Gaining knowledge about the disease and seeing how it affects others, must help coping with it.

Edited by member 27 Jul 2025 at 10:13  | Reason: Typo

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User
Posted 26 Jul 2025 at 19:36

Best wishes to your daughter Chris. 

My wife is a bit no nonsense but does things if I ask, she also got upset after the biopsy result. So I'm a bit wary of what is talked about.

We always go together to discussions as she picks up things I miss or puts a different slant on it.  I've wondered if a phone call would be needed to cover anything I'd want to know about later stages. But she might be her practical self. Even though I've to persuade her to update our will as she doesn't want to talk about it. 

It sounds like your case is that you think your wife is too busy.

Edited by member 26 Jul 2025 at 19:38  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 26 Jul 2025 at 21:59

Chris, I'm probably like you, but I don't have a partner, although at the time, both parents were still alive, and I'm close to my brother's family.

I also didn't tell anyone while I was going through diagnosis (which in my case took 6 months). I could cope with the appointments myself, but I didn't have the emotional reserve to support family members, and when you tell someone else, you do have to support them - it's probably even more a shock to them than it was to you. I wanted to be able to support them when I told them, which included being able to answer questions such as my prognosis, treatment, etc. so I needed to know my diagnosis first, which was taking some time. And I needed the emotional reserve to support them.

When I thought I had my final diagnosis, I told my brother, in part to discuss how to tell our parents. It was quite a weight off me to have told someone, and he wouldn't have pushed to go to appointments anyway, unless I asked him to, and I didn't really want anyone else at appointments anyway. I told my parents, and they were actually too shell-shocked to ask me anything. In some ways, I would have preferred not to tell them, but I was partly their carer, so it would have been impossible to hide.

Then the hospital changed their minds and decided they still didn't understand my diagnosis, so I had more consultations and tests. Just as I walked out the first of these, my phone rang, and dad asked what had happened. I hadn't yet processed the information myself, and I couldn't handle being asked about it yet. That absolutely confirmed in my mind that it was right for me to handle this on my own. For subsequent consultations, I said I was just going for a blood test, so this didn't arise.

Everyone is different though. Most people will want a partner to help support them, although I do know of some other people whose partners are not able to do that, and the patient ends up having to support their partner in the consultations, instead of trying to get the information they want from the consultant. I come across this also in the 1-2-1 support I do now, and there are things guys might want to ask about without their loved ones being in the room.

It's good your daughter feels comfortable with you helping her and that must be a big comfort, although that may be difficult for your wife to understand.

User
Posted 27 Jul 2025 at 05:22
My wife never wanted to discuss cancer, having lost her father and eldest sister to it both at a young age. I told her once how many wives and partners on this forum supported their men, and she replied that she supported me in other ways, which she did. So she never accompanied me on my appointments or check-ups, other than joining me for one week of the six I spent in Germany for radiation and that was largely spent exploring the area. She did accompany me to several of the Forum get-togethers we had years ago, but preferred not to socialize because inevitably the subject of cancer came up. So I did my research, made and attended appointments etc, alone. I suppose it was a reason why I joined the forum to receive and give support. However, she did write me a note thanking me for looking after us both so well and said some other nice things, and that was after her Dementia diagnosis, but while she still had capacity. I found it when going through her papers last year, after she passed.
Barry
User
Posted 27 Jul 2025 at 08:14

Hi Chris,

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's diagnosis, mate. I hope she makes a full recovery.

Although my stepson and stepdaughter are both in their mid thirties, my wife still treats them as children. We often have disagreements about her mollycoddling them. 

When my stepdaughter was undergoing tests for suspected cancer, my wife was distraught, and her over protective maternal instinct really kicked in. Fortunately the tests proved negative.

When I was diagnosed, it came as no surprise to either of us. My dad had died of the disease and my younger brother had been diagnosed a couple of years before.

My wife has supported me throughout. She's attended all the consultstions and drove me to the hosptal  for the op and collected me the following day.  Fortunately her support for me has not been as over zealous as the support and concern she gives her kids. 😁

One thing is for sure my wife has dealt with me having cancer a lot better than I'd have coped with her having it. I'm pretty good at dealing with my own health issues but not so calm and collected when my loved ones are suffering.

My own lads are now in their forties and I dread them having prostate cancer. I wouldn't want them to go through the same and would be far more concerned about their well-being than I was my own.

What I find particularly heartening about this forum, is how so many wives and partners join to help and support their men folk. It's a disease, especially as it often affects sexual intimacy, that can have a profound aeffect on relationships. Gaining knowledge about the disease and seeing how it affects others, must help coping with it.

Edited by member 27 Jul 2025 at 10:13  | Reason: Typo

User
Posted 27 Jul 2025 at 10:21

Thanks guys for your input. Andy the last part of the last sentence is very true and a bit of an understatement.

 

Thanks Chris 

 
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