Why am I not happy?

User

Posted 26 Sep 2025 at 20:25

I was referred to Urology by my GP in May of last year after a couple of high PSA results; a CT scan confirmed I had a localised tumour and a biopsy in September confirmed it was aggressive on one side. I opted for a prostatectomy that would be nerve sparing on one side. This happened in February and in April I had a 0 PSA result. My bladder control was completely restored by August I still can’t get an erection but I am seeing slow signs of improvement.

So, after nearly a year of being afraid that I might die, I should have been overjoyed when I got my clear PSA result, but I felt nothing. I persuaded myself it was because I still had a lot of bladder control issues, but when they cleared up, still nothing. My wife tells me I’m withdrawn and resentful.

My question is, has anyone else experienced this? I look at the terrible experiences people are living through on here and I feel like a self indulgent fraud.

User

Posted 27 Sep 2025 at 00:29

Hi Mike,
Everyone processes in their own way (as does their spouse, like me).
I think the most important thing is that you can tell that you are not happy. That is a good step forward. A lot of guys on this forum thank their nurses and Maggies for helping them through. Some with meds. Others with people to talk to going through the same thing. Hope you can find some support to feel good and be able to make the most of every day.

User

Posted 27 Sep 2025 at 07:59

Hi Mike,

Welcome to the forum, mate.

The apparent unhappiness you are feeling is not unusual. There have been several conversations on here, started by men who were also bewildered by feeling deflated after successful treatment. I felt a bit that way myself.

There could be several reasons for this. The fact that you still have erectile dysfunction, may subconsciously make you feel emasculated and depressed. It did me. You have also, for over a year, been getting over the shock of a cancer diagnosis, and focusing on recovery. This can take a huge psychological toll on you. It's almost like post traumatic stress disorder. You've gone through a life threatening incident, survived but find it hard to adjust, and may even feel a bit guilty, because others facing the same ordeal don't survive.

The pressure of dealing with the disease can also affect your relationship with your loved ones. You mentally toughen yourself up to deal with cancer and this can make you appear a bit less loving and caring towards your family. This subconscious self preservation can make you appear hard and selfish, which in turn can make yourself and those about you less happy.

Despite beating the disease, all these factors, and many others, could make you feel that life is still not as good as it was before. Plus, at the back of your mind, you may still be feeling vulnerable. I have a sense of uncertainty and fear recurrence. No matter how much I try I can't stop thinking that I'm not out of the woods yet.

There have also been posts on here by wives and partners of 'PCa survivors' who've noticed their men have changed and appear less cheerful than they used to be. My wife thinks I've become less fun and more morose than I used to be. She says I've become more isolated and miserable. Yet she was hardly a bundle of laughs, when, for only a month, she was having to deal with suspected breast cancer. 🤔

You are not alone, feeling the way you do. I can fully empathise with you.

Good luck mate. 👍

Edited by member 27 Sep 2025 at 09:52 | Reason: Additional text

User

Posted 27 Sep 2025 at 11:04

I can well understand how you feel. It's been 3 years since my RP and I still feel down and anxious from time to. Particularly just before my yearly PSA test. You are not alone Mike

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User

Posted 27 Sep 2025 at 00:29

User

Posted 27 Sep 2025 at 07:59

Hi Mike,

Welcome to the forum, mate.

You are not alone, feeling the way you do. I can fully empathise with you.

Good luck mate. 👍

Edited by member 27 Sep 2025 at 09:52 | Reason: Additional text

User

Posted 27 Sep 2025 at 11:04

I can well understand how you feel. It's been 3 years since my RP and I still feel down and anxious from time to. Particularly just before my yearly PSA test. You are not alone Mike

User

Posted 29 Sep 2025 at 11:22

There could be many reasons for this, one being the concern that the cancer could return, as it does in quite a number of cases.

Barry

User

Posted 29 Sep 2025 at 17:23

It's not unusual to feel a bit lost and alone when the circus leaves town: throughout all the months of tests and referrals and procedures, there is a lot going on around you, there is always something in the diary and you are mixing with people who know what it's all about.

Then, suddenly- nothing.

Takes a bit of getting used to, and you are certainly not the only one to feel this way. But be kind to yourself.

User

Posted 02 Oct 2025 at 20:47

Hi Mike,

If you have looked at similar threads then you may well have seen me suggesting the need for cognitive behaviour therapy CBT after PC. If not then I will suggest it here. I reached a point five months after RARP, in November 2024, where I was mentally struggling. I was lucky enough that my wonderful wife had made me ask for help when I was first diagnosed and I started my CBT in late November. I was on a family holiday in Centre Parcs, other holidays are available, and I had my first session in my car and on the phone. It was pouring with cold rain as we chatted and the weather so matched my emotions.

Over 8 weeks I was able to discuss my feelings, but it was much more than that. We took one issue at a time and discussed my feelings about it and found my way to deal with it. I am someone who responds to humour and can find it very helpful. So when we dealt with the loss of my ability to have erections, due to non-nerve sparing surgery, I set myself an action to hold a mock funeral for my hard on. For me the humour of such an activity has made the impact so much more acceptable. Before you go - that is not for me - your path will be different and based on how you can come to that point of acceptance.

I will add that despite three scares about spread in the past year, the CBT has enabled me to cope and to adapt. I have continued to work and am now just three months from retirement that will be on a date of MY choosing. Whilst I know at any time I may have to deal with a new tumour somewhere in my body I am determined not to let that rob me of each wonderful day. I wake each morning thankful that I have another day to enjoy and if life throws smelly stuff at me I just remember that today I don't have cancer. If I have only five years or ten years more then I am going to make sure each day is the best it can be. Quality over quantity!

User

Posted 03 Oct 2025 at 19:07

Hi Mike,

There are other threads of a similar nature. It sometimes gets called finding a 'new normal'.

There's also a similarity to the grieving process where you go through stages of feelings. When people feel stuck on a stage they can be offered advice to move along. The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You can look them up as there is usually advice where you find it mentioned.

It could be that people are never quite the same after the op, the new normal. I wouldn't even have heard of this forum but for 9yrs I've kept an eye on it. Sometimes i like to have a break from it but when psa time comes I'm back more to keep up to date with new treatments people may be having.

On top of that there is a general feeling of worry about wars and the economy etc and it doesn't help.

It's good you're on the mend. All the best Peter

User

Posted 04 Oct 2025 at 11:50

I am only at the beginning if this - awaiting biopsy results - so far T3 with some possibly limited ? Seminal Vesticle spread.
I can only say from what I know so far is that at the beginning particularly when I had no firm information apart from a PSA of 15 = 50% chance of cancer at that point - I'm thinking what if I am one of the really unlucky ones which get a T4 with very little warning?
So the body and mind are reacting to the threat level going up to 11 - a possible threat to life itself and self preservation.

That takes its toll in stress but as information trickles out from investigations - the emphasis changes -
the immediate threat might recede but it becomes a chronic stress - even after treatment (with curative intent as they might say)
what if it comes back?
I'm not even there yet but trying to come to terms with what is going to be a chronic condition that needs monitoring and possible management .
So it will never fully go away - but I have no idea how well I will cope with all that.
I had chronic depression in the 90s (after my Dad died from stomach cancer ) but thankfully since eventually well recovered (took nearly a decade ) and been surprised by my (as a psychologist would call it ) resilience in the past 20 odd years since looking after very unwell mother with dementia and her passing about 8 years ago ) but what i am saying is both a single , or a succession of life changing events can trigger depression, (so called "reactive depression") and long term chronic stress can also be a trigger.
That's also I have found what you can get with this experience with prostate diagnosis and what follows.
I wish everyone the best and have appreciated all the different responses on this thread and elsewhere on the forum.

Edited by member 04 Oct 2025 at 12:55 | Reason: Not specified

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