Notification

Error

Useless Wife

Email this conversation Print this conversation
User
Posted 25 Jul 2026 at 13:35

Not really sure what to write........ 

I just feel totally useless .......

 

Husband is absolutely amazing soooooo positive and full of hope.  

 

I'm usually the stronger feistier one of the two of us and I'm a mess. ... I'm cringing typing this as I'm so aware it's not about me.  

We're just awaiting PET PSMA scan to determine rib lesion.

His numbers are

Age 54

PSA 55

Gleason ( 4+5) 9 

Cribriform 

Thanks for reading 

S x

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 19:10
I just had to reply!

As I have said on here many times; my wonderful wife is literally the reason I kept going. She has been and continues to be amazing. After having my prostatectomy, two years ago, she worked with me to determine the moment to push a bit harder and do more. She never complained about taking on tasks I would normally do, but honestly celebrated when I took them back. When I fell into self pity she was the one who dragged me out and made me see that it wasn't a death sentence and that life was far too precious to waste. As so many posts on here say - this is a couples disease, if the guy is lucky enough to have a partner. If you work through it together you will become stronger together. It's not a nice experience that we desire, but together you will get through the darkest times and see the beauty of the dawn.

I have been in the role of both the carer and the sick person. Earlier in our lives together I was her carer. That was a role that I found much harder than being the sufferer. As the one doing the caring, I felt I had to stay strong and I felt like I couldn't falter. The truth is I did falter and thankfully I had a friend who let me unburden myself. In this site you have a whole load of friends that will make it a safe place for you to fall back on. So in short, you are so right to be here and please post as many times as you need to make your role more bearable and we will cheer you on!

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 16:26
Hi S

A heartfelt post, it expresses the sentiments of many I suspect.

Even though we might not say it very often (although I try to ) us chaps are so very very thankful for the support we get from our partners. And I agree with the sentiment that perhaps we do have it slightly "easier" - we are the ones getting all of the support/treatment/kind words etc whilst the ones who are most important to us are having to handle the extra load on top of all the hardwork you already do. My wife still feels daunted at the tasks coming her way which I would normally have handled, without bothering her - and I know that this does feel hard for her. Then on top you have to deal with someone who is OK one minute then ailing the next (I just had to have a quick lie down after moving some stuff around the house!).

So on behalf of all us chaps if I may be so bold - thank you for the support and we are so sorry for having to put you in this position.

Best wishes - stay positive

CeePee

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 16:50

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Your words have genuinely touched me.

 

I think many partners will read your post and feel seen. We spend so much time trying to stay strong, keeping everything together and making sure the person we love is okay, that we often forget it's okay for us to find it hard too.

 

I don't think any of us see supporting our loved one as something we'd ever question – we'd do it without hesitation, every single time. It's just heartbreaking knowing we can't take away the fear, the uncertainty or the treatment you're all having to endure.

 

Please don't ever apologise. None of you chose this, and if our roles were reversed, you'd all be doing exactly the same for us.

 

Thank you for reminding us that what we do matters. Wishing you and your wife strength and happier days ahead.

 

Best Wishes S x

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 20:32
Another wife here….totally get how you feel, it’s the feeling helpless that was worse for me (probably something to do with the fact that I have control freak tendencies!)

But it’s been said earlier, it’s definitely a couples disease and you’re in it together (vaguely remember something about ‘for better or worse’ that we said 41 years ago)…. Your hubby will just be grateful that you’re there with him going through this, I know there are people on here going through it that don’t have a partner, you’ll both be stronger for leaning into each other!

It’s also ok to fall apart sometimes, we’ve found we take it in turns…so there’s always one of us being stronger!

Keep posting on here when you need to…it’s an amazing source of help and support!

Debbie x

User
Posted 25 Jul 2026 at 18:09

Hi S.,

Please don't think you're useless. I felt guilty about being upset when it wasn't me who was going through this. My husband said it was probably worse for me than it was for him as his mindset was he could take whatever was thrown at him but he needed me to be ok. I'm glad he's positive about getting it sorted. Hopefully the PSMA pet scan won't be too long of a wait for him.

Wishing you both all the best.

H.

User
Posted 25 Jul 2026 at 22:21
Hi , another wife here ! I know exactly how you feel , Gary was diagnosed just before Xmas 2015 aged 55 . Similar stats psa 23 Gleason 4+5 spread to lymph nodes. In my head he was going to die before Xmas ,I couldn’t sleep ,eat ,function. I was a mess and he just carried on working as if nothing was wrong . Our son gave us some good news that we were going to be grandparents for the first time ,which helped me to refocus . Gary’s treatment was hormone treatment and chemo . His psa came down pretty quickly and life got back to a new normal. Here we are 10+ yrs later and just welcomed our 8th grandchild. The meds that he has and had ,have moved on from 10 yrs ago . Yes life is different but he’s still working ,refusing to retire ,mainly to keep his mind focused and his PSA is still undetectable.

This site is a wealth of information and very knowledgeable people. Ask away and someone will come along to answer .

Best wishes

Debby

User
Posted 25 Jul 2026 at 22:46

Thank you for sharing Debby that's reassuring .... x how lovely 8 grandchildren xx 

Show Most Thanked Posts
User
Posted 25 Jul 2026 at 18:09

Hi S.,

Please don't think you're useless. I felt guilty about being upset when it wasn't me who was going through this. My husband said it was probably worse for me than it was for him as his mindset was he could take whatever was thrown at him but he needed me to be ok. I'm glad he's positive about getting it sorted. Hopefully the PSMA pet scan won't be too long of a wait for him.

Wishing you both all the best.

H.

User
Posted 25 Jul 2026 at 22:21
Hi , another wife here ! I know exactly how you feel , Gary was diagnosed just before Xmas 2015 aged 55 . Similar stats psa 23 Gleason 4+5 spread to lymph nodes. In my head he was going to die before Xmas ,I couldn’t sleep ,eat ,function. I was a mess and he just carried on working as if nothing was wrong . Our son gave us some good news that we were going to be grandparents for the first time ,which helped me to refocus . Gary’s treatment was hormone treatment and chemo . His psa came down pretty quickly and life got back to a new normal. Here we are 10+ yrs later and just welcomed our 8th grandchild. The meds that he has and had ,have moved on from 10 yrs ago . Yes life is different but he’s still working ,refusing to retire ,mainly to keep his mind focused and his PSA is still undetectable.

This site is a wealth of information and very knowledgeable people. Ask away and someone will come along to answer .

Best wishes

Debby

User
Posted 25 Jul 2026 at 22:46

Thank you for sharing Debby that's reassuring .... x how lovely 8 grandchildren xx 

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 16:26
Hi S

A heartfelt post, it expresses the sentiments of many I suspect.

Even though we might not say it very often (although I try to ) us chaps are so very very thankful for the support we get from our partners. And I agree with the sentiment that perhaps we do have it slightly "easier" - we are the ones getting all of the support/treatment/kind words etc whilst the ones who are most important to us are having to handle the extra load on top of all the hardwork you already do. My wife still feels daunted at the tasks coming her way which I would normally have handled, without bothering her - and I know that this does feel hard for her. Then on top you have to deal with someone who is OK one minute then ailing the next (I just had to have a quick lie down after moving some stuff around the house!).

So on behalf of all us chaps if I may be so bold - thank you for the support and we are so sorry for having to put you in this position.

Best wishes - stay positive

CeePee

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 16:50

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Your words have genuinely touched me.

 

I think many partners will read your post and feel seen. We spend so much time trying to stay strong, keeping everything together and making sure the person we love is okay, that we often forget it's okay for us to find it hard too.

 

I don't think any of us see supporting our loved one as something we'd ever question – we'd do it without hesitation, every single time. It's just heartbreaking knowing we can't take away the fear, the uncertainty or the treatment you're all having to endure.

 

Please don't ever apologise. None of you chose this, and if our roles were reversed, you'd all be doing exactly the same for us.

 

Thank you for reminding us that what we do matters. Wishing you and your wife strength and happier days ahead.

 

Best Wishes S x

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 19:10
I just had to reply!

As I have said on here many times; my wonderful wife is literally the reason I kept going. She has been and continues to be amazing. After having my prostatectomy, two years ago, she worked with me to determine the moment to push a bit harder and do more. She never complained about taking on tasks I would normally do, but honestly celebrated when I took them back. When I fell into self pity she was the one who dragged me out and made me see that it wasn't a death sentence and that life was far too precious to waste. As so many posts on here say - this is a couples disease, if the guy is lucky enough to have a partner. If you work through it together you will become stronger together. It's not a nice experience that we desire, but together you will get through the darkest times and see the beauty of the dawn.

I have been in the role of both the carer and the sick person. Earlier in our lives together I was her carer. That was a role that I found much harder than being the sufferer. As the one doing the caring, I felt I had to stay strong and I felt like I couldn't falter. The truth is I did falter and thankfully I had a friend who let me unburden myself. In this site you have a whole load of friends that will make it a safe place for you to fall back on. So in short, you are so right to be here and please post as many times as you need to make your role more bearable and we will cheer you on!

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 20:32
Another wife here….totally get how you feel, it’s the feeling helpless that was worse for me (probably something to do with the fact that I have control freak tendencies!)

But it’s been said earlier, it’s definitely a couples disease and you’re in it together (vaguely remember something about ‘for better or worse’ that we said 41 years ago)…. Your hubby will just be grateful that you’re there with him going through this, I know there are people on here going through it that don’t have a partner, you’ll both be stronger for leaning into each other!

It’s also ok to fall apart sometimes, we’ve found we take it in turns…so there’s always one of us being stronger!

Keep posting on here when you need to…it’s an amazing source of help and support!

Debbie x

User
Posted 26 Jul 2026 at 20:48

Paul, thank you so much for writing this. I'm the wife of a man who was recently diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer, and your words have touched me more than you know.

I think you're right when you say this is a couples' disease. My instinct is to stay strong for my husband, but if I'm honest, there are times when I feel completely overwhelmed. Reading that you found being the carer harder than being the patient has made me feel less alone.

Your wife sounds wonderful, and it's lovely to hear how much you appreciated everything she did for you. It also gives me hope that, even after the darkest days, life can still move forward and those little milestones become worth celebrating.

Thank you for taking the time to encourage those of us who are just starting this journey. It means more than you probably realise. Wishing you and your wife continued good health and many happy years together. ❤️

 
Forum Jump  
Email this conversation Print this conversation

Join the online community now.

Click through to become a member and gain access to support, information and real time replies.




MenuTop ▲
©2026 Prostate Cancer UK