How to be strong when im petrified

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 15:57

Good afternoon

My name is Chantelle and this week my partner Dave was diagnosed with prostate cancer, gleason score of 8 made up of 4+4. T3A N0 M0.

Please dont get me wrong before i carry on I am so greatfull it hasnt spread but I am so so scared. Im 40 and Dave is 65 we have been together going on 6 years now and I can honestly say he is the love of my life, but nearly a year into our relationship he suffered with heart failure but we got through it and got him back fitter and stronger than he had been in a long time and then this happens, to say its like been hit with a bus is an under statement.

Due to him suffering heart failure he cant have surgery as they say the surgery plus possible treatment afterwards would/could be too much pressure on his heart so the want him to have 4 weeks of radiotherapy, put him on hormone treatment and try him on a new drug which they have trialled through the HERO trial.

Im so concerned and scared as when we went to see the oncologist for the results and he told us the results and treatments I started firing away at him about Daves heart and the Doc was that unsure after I finished that he then said he wasnt putting Dave on the hormone treatment untill he had ran it past his cardiologist, which I think should have been done in the first place.

Im trying so so hard to be strong im making sure he gets gentle exercise and things like that in preparation, diet is already good due to keeping his cholestrol down and blood sugars. Where both wagon drivers and ive been putting a bit of money away since the high PSA as we did get warned of what it could be but what else can I do. Can I trust the doctors, can I quiz them on what kind of radiotherapy he gets please please help as I feel like im drowning.

Thank you in advance for anyone with any pearls of wisdom/advice

Edited by member 24 Oct 2026 at 17:10 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 20:20

Thank you so much for getting back to me, we still feel very much in the dark with it all and also felt rushed in our appointment, im standing my ground with the doctors and making sure they go over everything with a fine tooth comb as best I can.

Daves psa was 123 and we havent been informed as of yet if its likely ti go on the move but upto press hasnt.

Thank you again

Chantelle

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 20:22

Thank you Debby for getting back to me

Can I ask how is your husband doing please? And how have you managed to cope with it all?

Thank you again

Chantelle

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User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 17:46

Hi Chantelle.

I'm sorry to hear that Dave has prostate cancer. However it is wonderful to see that you've joined us to support him. Welcome to the forum.

What is his PSA level?

If you look at my profile you'll see how similar my final diagnosis and Dave's are.

I was about the same age as him when I was eventually diagnosed T3a, Gleason 8(3+5), later upgraded to Gleason 9(4+5).

I had heart problems, ischemic disease, 3 of the main arteries were blocked. Surgery can put your heart under a lot of pressure. Initially they said I was unsuitable for RARP but after input from my cardiologist, I was eventually deemed fit enough to operate on.

Obviously you can only be guided by what your clinicians advise.

I'm now nearly four years post surgery and my PSA is undetectable. There are men with a similar diagnosis to mine, that have been treated with radiotherapy and hormone treatment that have the same successful outcome.

Hormone treatment can also cause heart problems. It is difficult to deal with prostate cancer, having comorbities, like Dave's and mine, make it even harder to plan the most suitable way forward.

I hope, whatever treatment he has, is effective. Please keep us updated, and I wish you the best of luck. 👍

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 19:37

Sorry to hear all this. It is a complication.

My own cancer came out at Gleason 9, Cambridge 5...cribriform structure which is highly likely to break up and spread.

But...the NHS have worked wonders. Hormone therapy after just two months knocked down my initial PSA 0f8.2 to 0.1. I am now on Aberaterone because of the chance of spreading.

But all my scans were clear.

I hope once you get an answer on the heart issue you can get HT because it works.

There is so much mind numbing stuff going on early that the negatives infect every moment. Yes.. try to stay positive is great advice. But your mind is screwed. One step at a time.

There are so many ways to kill the beast.

Keep us posted and stay strong.

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 20:00

Hello , sorry you are here but there’s lots of knowledgeable people on here . My husband has a different diagnosis as his is incurable,I know the absolute horror / worry when they are diagnosed.The treatments that are available today are so much more advanced than when my husband was diagnosed 11 yrs ago . Keep strong and keep posting if you need reassurance or advice .
Best wishes
Debby x

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 20:10

Hi,

Please start by trusting your medical professionals. I had a similar moment when my treatment path was being discussed in April 2024. Despite my health records including Ulcerative Colitis, the Urologist hadn't been aware of my condition. I told him at the start of the treatment planning meeting and it led to my choices being only surgery. I was disappointed that he hadn't been aware, but I put it behind me. Pretty much everything about my treatment in 2024 was perfect and so efficient with just this one hiccup. I strongly believe at some point they would have seen my Colitis in my records, but there is no way of knowing for certain. That all said, you should take confidence from the process, so far - it needs to be a partnership between you, your partner, and the treatment team. That you contributed about the heart condition just means the team is forming and you are doing great in your role.

How to be strong when you are petrified was the question in the heading of this posting and I am certain you are already doing that. You spoke up in the appointment and it is easier to not say anything. When I had my diagnosis I felt like a rabbit in headlights and struggled to capture everything being said. My wonderful wife attended every appointment that she was allowed to be in and did the heavy lifting on facts and asking questions while I got over the shocks. I am certain from that oncology appointment that you are going to do the same. We all doubt if we can do it, but this is a couple’s disease and working together I know you will get through. You are also doing the right thing to be on here and learning about the roller coaster that is prostate cancer.

I wish you and your partner all the best and pray that the path ahead is successful.

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 20:16

Hi Adrian56

First of all can I please say thank you for getting back to me.

Daves psa has been tested twice and both have come back as 123, they took about 10 samples from his prostate but I couldnt tell you how many came back cancerous as of yet and im still not overly familiar wuth the lingo yet either but im slowly getting their with it.

As for his heart he suffered either left or right ventricle failure. It made his stonach fill with fluid and he just ballooned up, he ended up having to have a valve a bit like you put on a beer keg placed into his stomach and they pumped loads of fluid out of him, he didnt require surgery on his heart for it but is on medication for life and he also has an irregular heart beat.

Both of Daves previous problems the fluid retention anf beat irregularities can be made worse by the hormone tablet they where going to place him on!!! 😪

Can I also say wow what a journey you have been on but congratulations on getting to where you are now.

Thank you again

Chantelle

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 20:20

Daves psa was 123 and we havent been informed as of yet if its likely ti go on the move but upto press hasnt.

Thank you again

Chantelle

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 20:22

Thank you Debby for getting back to me

Can I ask how is your husband doing please? And how have you managed to cope with it all?

Thank you again

Chantelle

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 22:56

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Thank you Debby for getting back to me

Can I ask how is your husband doing please? And how have you managed to cope with it all?

Thank you again

Chantelle

Gary was 55 at diagnosis psa 23 Gleason 4+5 spread to lymph nodes . He was diagnosed just before Xmas 11 yrs ago and we thought he would be dead within months . He was lucky enough to be accepted for a trial ( stampede) after he’d finished his chemo. I couldn’t sleep ,eat or function. But once the treatment plan was put into place and his psa came down we could suddenly feel hope . He worked through chemo and has continued to work . He was due to retire this month but has chosen to carry on working for his own mental state . We relax by going on holidays and enjoying our 8 grandkids( had none at the beginning of this journey) you learn to cope with a new normal. Take each day at a time and make sure you look after yourself.

best wishes

Debby .

User

Posted 24 Oct 2026 at 23:48

Hi Chantelle

So sorry to hear about your situation but you will have plenty of support here - you are amongst a lot of new friends.

This early stage is quite frankly frightening. The sudden diagnosis and then the fear of the C - word. The guys and their other halves have all been through it (unfortunately).

It is an awful time waiting for those next steps but once a treatment plan has been settled on things will get easier - you will have a focus.

The helpline folk are really good - why not give them a ring to have a chat? The publications which PCUK have available are really good and provide good lists of questions about the various treatments- you can have a look online or download or order hardcopy. Personally I always recommend the Toolkit publication.

Best wishes - stay positive

CeePee

User

Posted 25 Oct 2026 at 00:51

Dear Chantelle,
I remember being in your shoes. I was petrified but we have had 3 good years since therapy was initiated - some adjustments and some scary times but also the absolute best times we have ever had together. My husband had extremely high PSA, several nodes positive, M0 diagnosis. a bit younger but not a decade younger. He made it through surgery as part of an aggressive plan, but I do think it would have been wise to have had a full cardiac workup before that. Another reason to get the cardiologist on board is that some of the advanced hormone therapies are contraindicated with some statins. Some of the statins are totally fine with all hormone therapies and some of the advanced hormone therapies (including those on the HERO trial) seem to be compatible with all statins. But it's not all-by-all so just good to get this all checked out. This is not something that is an issue at the moment for you, but I wish we had been on it earlier. I am on it now planning for the next steps.
My husband is the love of my life too. I get it. Sending you big hugs.

User

Posted 25 Oct 2026 at 04:04

Thank you wife of YM for getting back to me, we chose not to go down the statin route and have got his cholestrol down with the mediteranian diet, but he is on 6 other tablets to do with his heart and pre diabetes.
I dont feel like were getting much choice with his treatment so far its been right these are the results and this is the plan and its only because ive opened my big mouth over his heart that their now including the cardiology. Is their a point I can question what RT he has as their are many different kinds?
Thank you again
Chantelle

User

Posted 25 Oct 2026 at 05:48

Hi again Chantelle.

Looking at the time of your last post, I'm obviously not the only insomniac on here. 🙂

It's nice to see that two of our ladies have already responded to you, and given a partners view on things. Their input is so valuable.

You were correct in bringing Dave's heart problems to the attention of those planning his prostrate treatment. It is very common for urologists and oncologists to liaise with cardiologists when deciding the best way forward.

With regards to ADT treatment:

In an individual patient, the benefits of ADT should be balanced against the risk, and patients who require ADT should have risk factors for cardiovascular disease optimized. There is some evidence to suggest that more contemporary methods of delivering ADT may reduce cardiovascular risk.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4516188/

It concludes:

It is clear that overall, the use of ADT in the treatment of prostate cancer is associated with an increased risk of cardiovascular complications. However, for the most part the excess risk is modest though significant, and must be weighed against the equally clear benefits of ADT in appropriate patients. In the future, better identification of patients at risk – particularly those with a previous history of myocardial infarction or CHF – and perhaps more tailoring of the form and duration of ADT in an individual patient, might ameliorate the risk. However, awareness and management of the risks of cardiovascular complications must not result in the under-use of ADT.

In the HERO trail that Wife-of-YM mentioned, Relugolix seemed to be the best ADT for those on cardiac medications.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37713020/

Relugolix suppressed testosterone and was generally well tolerated when given with concomitant CV agents.

As I said earlier, due to my ischemic heart disease, the surgeon and aneathetist were very reluctant to give the all clear for RARP. It seemed, whenever they got the slightest whiff of a heart problem, they started to push me to radiotherapy. Obviously they don't want the risk of patients 'dying on the table', it doesn't look good on their CVs. 🙂

However, I dreaded the thought of 35 hospital visits to get 'zapped'. I wanted treatment confined to just one overnight stay and desperately wanted surgery. I contacted my cardiologist who very promptly passed me fit enough for surgery.

Ironically, in my case, although I sailed through RARP, as if to prove their concerns correct, I had a heart attack two months later. 🙂

I ended up on a cardiology ward for 3 weeks until they drilled an artery clear and stented me up. During this time, I was having to deal with quite bad side effects of prostate surgery. I was leaking like a sieve but couldn't get to the loo, as I was plugged into a heart monitor. It was a dreadful.

It did, however, put my cancer fears into perspective. The thought of having another cardiac arrest was and still is much more frightening than PCa. 🙂

I don't know if Dave's heart condition totally rules out surgery? If not, it might be an idea to see if open surgery rather than RARP could be considered?

Open surgery exerts much less pressure on the heart. In RARP you are positioned with your head much lower than your feet (Trendelenburg position) and your abdomen is gas inflated, also you're usually aneathetised longer. All factors that raise heart pressure.

The outcomes of open and RARP are similar. However, open surgery has some disadvantages, bigger incision scar, chance of greater blood loss and longer recovery in hospital. Nothing is ever simple with this disease.🙂

Anyway, big hugs to you both.

Edited by member 25 Oct 2026 at 07:58 | Reason: Add link

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