Whilst I've been in the Hospice several Medical Students have come to talk with me about my experience with cancer. I've gone through the medical history and how I ended up here, but also another side of it which I think is just as significant. This may sound odd or hard to figure but here goes.
The three and a half years between July 2019 when I was diagnosed and February 2023 were the best and happiest years of my life. It may sound strange, but I'll try to explain.
When I was diagnosed my GP signed me off work sort of indefinitely. I didn't want to waste another minute of my life in that crumby stressful unrewarding job where there was endless abuse and agro, and little support - I was in teaching... 'nuf said.
My financial situation changed overnight. My Pension pot was nowhere near enough to provide for a comfortable retirement if I were to live to a ripe old age, but this was off the cards and now 4 years was about it. Suddenly my pension pot looked very adequate.
I've always loved to travel, but time and money restrictions meant that I'd still not made it to so many of the places on my wall map that I'd highlighted. Now was the time to start really travelling.
And so I did - a little cautiously at first. I made it to California before the first round of Chemo started. Then COVID got in the way, and for the next two summers it was only possible to travel within the UK. So I did, extensively. When in November 2021 the USA lifted its' travel ban I took one of the first flights to Los Angeles and spent a month travelling around southern California, and on it went into 2022: Chile, South Africa, Iceland, Norway, Iceland (again!), Munich, Dubrovnik, Chamonix, USA, USA (again!), Hong Kong, Costa Rica and finally Ecuador. I took every opportunity to go places and kept it up until I returned from Ecuador in January 2023.
It was a bit crazy at times, but I sensed that time was not on my side. On the flights returning from Ecuador I was aware that things weren't right. Subsequent scans showed how far the cancer had spread. Since then the only travelling I've done has been to Hospital, and it's obvious I won't be going to anymore places. I wish I'd done more whilst I was able (hindsight, sigh...), but realistically it's hard to see how that would have worked.
In all these travels one moment sticks in my memory and perfectly exemplifies what it was all about. Last October I made it to Canon Beach on the Oregon coast. It's a place I've wanted to visit for over 20 years.
The long-term affects of all my treatments was taking its toll and fatigue/lack of energy was becoming a significant issue. To the north of Canon Beach is Ecola State Park - an area of forest and coastline with a number of walking trails leading to beaches and viewpoints you just have to see and savour. And so I did. On the Oregon Coast Trail from Ecola Point (from where you get the classic view of Canon Beach) to Indian Cove I found the going hard, so I parked myself on a tree stump to rest. After a minute I got my breath back and started to look around. I could glimpse the Pacific Ocean between the trees and hear the waves crashing on the shore below. I was surrounded by ferns on the forest floor along with fallen trees covered in moss and more ferns. Different types of moss were draping from the branches of all the standing trees. Above a clear blue sky and sunlight making it through the trees to light up the forest around me. It was so beautiful. I just sat there taking it all in. I really can't find the words to describe what I experienced in that moment, and there have been so many other such moments on my travels since July 2019.
If I'd not been diagnosed with cancer then I would never have been able to travel around the world, seen and experienced all the places I have, and had an amazing time doing it all. In all this time I've never felt sad, angry, unhappy or sorry for myself, or done the "why me" thing. Instead I embraced the situation, accepting it for what it was and whilst understanding all the negatives, looking for positives that were now possible. The positive was to be able to live the life I'd always wanted, if only for a limited time. I had no control over all the negative stuff - the cancer and everything that goes with it, but the positive - how I lived my life in the time left - I could control.
No matter how great a time I've had of it living the life I'd always wanted, it was a bittersweet experience. The reality of living with cancer was always there in the background and I always knew how the story would end. Eventually the time would come to pay the Piper. So here I am, lying on my very adjustable bed in the Hospice looking back on all that's been. Until February 2023 the cancer had been under control. There were times back in 2021 and 2022 when the going got tough for a while, but I always bounced back. Most of the time since diagnosis things have been fine, and I've lived the dream. For this I'm really grateful and consider myself very fortunate. It is these thoughts that I keep in my mind now and will in the coming days - whatever they bring.
Edited by member 16 Jun 2023 at 22:22
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