Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life

User

Posted 08 Jan 2015 at 07:44

Thank you everyone.

Steve

User

Posted 11 Jan 2015 at 03:48

Hi,

I'm really sorry I haven't posted much in the last week, I think you'll understand that there are times when you don't feel as if you want to.

The last week hasn't been too easy but I made it through with just a little bit of uncertainty about what will happen next.

I'm feeling really tired most of the time and my breathlessness has become far worse, and another medication I've just been given to help with this, makes me very dizzy whenever I do anything. Even when I take this drug (that makes thirteen different medications I use each day), I am still breathless so I'm not sure it's of any benefit. The cardiac team have told me if this doesn't work then I should go into hospital earlier than next week (my angioplasty is due to take place a week on Monday, the 19th). It would mean that I may have the op sooner, but I don't want to end up staying in hospital for a week if they can't do that.

I feel a little happier this weekend than I did last, not quite sure why but maybe it has been that I have been doing a lot of writing about how I feel about my life, what has happened in the past and what might happen in the future. I don't know if anyone will ever get to read this, probably best if they don't but it's made me feel better than I have been. I suppose it's a form of therapy.

I'm not pleased with myself when I think about others on this site who have far worse situations than me and seem to be far more positive about things. I expect, deep down, I'm worried about the heart op and just hope everything is sorted. I look forward to getting that done and being able to return to a more normal life. I feel as if I can't do anything just now. I think that it doesn't make it any easier having all the time in the world to think about things, when I was working, there was usually wasn't that time.

Anyway, thanks once again for all the messages you've posted, I think you've really helped me when everything seemed so bleak.

Steve

User

Posted 11 Jan 2015 at 07:08

Hi Steve, I am sorry that PC has brought you to the emotional position you are in, I think everyone touched by the disease can expect to have alien emotions to any healthy person. Do not beat your self up ever about how you feel as they are your feelings and you have every right to have them. As for your writings, I and many others would love to read them, captain Scott went to the South Pole, he chose to do it for glory, it was tough and sadly the return trip was too hard for him but his writings have been read by most British adults , I can recite them, they are inspirational and emotional. You my friend did not chose your challenge but like Amudsen have the advantage of using more modern ideas ( he used dogs, we use drugs) so there is no reason why you won't make that return trip, get the glory and have your writings read. I bet you have taken some inspirational, jaw dropping pictures in your time, I would love to see some, I have now Ida how I can see any but would love to, you must remember what you have achieved and what you are achieving now by helping newbys like me on my challenge, preparing me for some of what may be to come. As you know, I run, and stupidly have not cancelled my entry into this years Brighton maeathon despite being T4 N1M1a and starting chemo in 2 days, I shared that with a few friends last week and that has inspired them in that time to give £1800 to my just giving site for PC uk, I will get more and that gives me strength and purpose to get through the next few months. Your inspirational writing must do the same for you, share what you can, I for one would have less strength without you and others on this forum. Thoughts always with you Steve

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 11 Jan 2015 at 09:13

QUOTE
"I'm not pleased with myself when I think about others on this site who have far worse situations than me and seem to be far more positive about things. I expect, deep down, I'm worried about the heart op and just hope everything is sorted. I look forward to getting that done and being able to return to a more normal life. I feel as if I can't do anything just now. I think that it doesn't make it any easier having all the time in the world to think about things, when I was working, there was usually wasn't that time.

Anyway, thanks once again for all the messages you've posted, I think you've really helped me when everything seemed so bleak.

Steve "

I am glad that the flurry of support for you has helped. It's what we do and what we are here for after all.
You would have/have done, the same for others when they've been down.

As for not feeling pleased with yourself, what makes you think that you in particular have to be superman.

No two people are alike or react to things in the same way. It doesn't make one of them weak - just different.

If you could stop beating yourself up about how you are behaving or reacting you might have more energy!!

I won't make a sweeping statement since I don't know the facts, but I am sure there are many men on here who are struggling with cancer and don't also have a debilitating heart condition to contend with. Remember, your problems in that respect are serious enough for your heart team to advise that you go in before the angioplasty.

Keep writing. It's very therapeutic.

All the best
Sandra

PS that's a lovely post by IRUN and so true. See more inspiration for you. Instead of laying/sitting there thinking what have you achieved in life start thinking about some of the amazing/funny/touching shots you must have taken in your time.

Capture the memory of those in your writing, ready for when you put your collection together for viewing!!

Edited by member 11 Jan 2015 at 09:18 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 11 Jan 2015 at 10:15

Steve

Please, please never beat yourself up for feeling down or try to compare yourself with others on the Cancer scale (if there is one). You are you and you are a heck of a good guy who has been laid low by a number of horrible things, not least the worry about work and money. I think it is very brave of you to be so open about things, and look what it has done. It has brought many others to your aid and in doing so, they have revealed their own depths of despair. You wouldn't be human if you didn't find all this hard going. I know from four years of living with this disease that I am not the same person I was when it started. I no longer feel anything regarding my job and wish to leave. I try hard not to be that person and to change myself back but how can I? The person I was four years ago hadn't been through this ordeal and it's not even me who's sick. So I would say, let's get your heart problem dealt with, it will make you feel a whole lot better once you have started on the road to recovery and if you still feel bad, don't be afraid to get support from your GP (and your friends here) and Macmillan can help too.

You come across as a really nice bloke, good luck for the op, I hope all goes well and you are feeling much, much better soon.

Lots of love

Allison

User

Posted 11 Jan 2015 at 13:34

Steve,

I can only echo the sentiments expressed so well by Kevin, Sandra and Allison.

What else can i say, except, get well, good luck, and remember that you have a host of real friends here who care and are always willing to listen and help.

Let's see a fit, well, and chirpy 'Snapper Steve' at the big B2Pca 'do' on June 20th, where you'll get to meet in person so many of the kind people you've met online here.

Very best wishes,

George

B2PCa

User

Posted 13 Jan 2015 at 02:04

Thanks Kevin, Sandra, Allison and George for your messages, they mean a lot to me.

Starting to feel a bit better now as my heart problems look as if they could be solved soon with my op next Monday. Just hope that works ok.

My OH is really worried, especially when she read the high risks involved with the procedure in the British Heart Foundation info. They put the chances of it causing another heart attack, a stroke or death, at one in every hundred procedures. Perhaps I should say my "Goodbyes" now after my recent run of bad luck (only joking !).

Better try and sleep now, I have my next Zoladex injection at 9.10 this morning.

Thanks again.

Steve

Edited by member 13 Jan 2015 at 02:26 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 13 Jan 2015 at 06:26

You were up late Steve,

Hope you get back to natural sleeping times.

Don't feel bad that you are suffering less than some here or elsewhere. Your condition is still your problem that you are dealing with, so no less of a problem for you. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and I wish you well this morning and for Monday.

atb

Dave

PS the chance of a problem may be 1 in 100.

So, the chances of success are 99 in every 100. Sounds better when you look at it like that I think?

User

Posted 13 Jan 2015 at 07:06

Good luck next week steve and Dave is right 99% odds in favour are very good odds

Take care
Bri

User

Posted 14 Jan 2015 at 02:53

Hi,

Thanks guys.

Dave, very good point, lateral thinking puts things into a very different light. I much prefer the look of 99% chance of surviving the op rather than 1% chance of dying from it.

I'm actually looking forward to having it done and getting my heart sorted. It can be very distracting having to worry about another heart attack when you're trying to worry about cancer [img=http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-smile.gif]

I had my Zoladex implant this morning, went pretty much to plan apart from the fact that it took a while to stop the bleeding afterwards. Never had the problem with the previous ones. Decided it was due the blood thinning treatment I'm on for my heart problem. They said my blood would be less likely to clot while I was on these drugs.

Anyway, only 5 days to go before I get my wrist slashed (as part of the operation), though I felt like a bit like doing that myself recently. Good job I didn't.

Steve

Edited by member 14 Jan 2015 at 02:59 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 14 Jan 2015 at 13:44

Steve go and ace it totally next week,then when you feel the confidence rushing back message me and tell me to add you and your good lady wife to the Newark gathering. I and others going so want to meet you. Please bring some of your photography with you I love action shots and also ones that capture the innocence and joy of life

Xxx

User

Posted 14 Jan 2015 at 20:32

Hi Steve,

I am a bit late joining this thread so sending you good wishes for your angioplastly on the 19th, don't worry about it honestly it will be a breeze Trevor has had ( I have lost count) quite a few . He know has 8 stents and had a couple re inflated I nick named him Metal Mickyhttp://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-wink.gif. Once you have had this done you will feel emotionally and physically more like your old self. 99% success rate hold that thought hundreds of these procedures are done across the country everyday and Trust Me you will be FINE.

Please don't feel bad about others on here in a worse situation than you everyone on this forum has there own unique set of Mountains to climb.

As Mo say's make sure you are well enough for the Newark Do. I am sure you will be OK maybe not well enough to drink Si and Bri under the table but then most people can't do that.http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-wink.gif

GO GET EM ON THE 19TH.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 14 Jan 2015 at 22:58

Am also sending my best wishes, Steve. Never be afraid to be who you are, your feelings are important and not necessarily being able to be positive doesn't make you a lesser person. Remember there are many on the forum who are thinking of you !

Fiona.

User

Posted 14 Jan 2015 at 23:04

Steve

Best wishes for Monday and look forward to seeing you on the 7th.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 14 Jan 2015 at 23:35

Thanks everyone,

I know I've said this before but I've just been rushed to the hospital this evening with chest pains. I've been admitted.

Will try and update soon.

Steve

Edited by member 15 Jan 2015 at 07:45 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 00:20

QUEUE JUMPER 😉 seriously though, take care of yourself and try to stop fretting you will be running that marathon in no time.

All the best

Roy

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 08:49

Hi,

Just an update.

Spent the evening in A&E after suffering chest pains around about 7 pm. Transferred to the Cardiac Care Unit into the bed next to the one I occupied in November. The good news is I have good internet connection at the moment.

I went through the usual tests. They're not sure if I had another heart attack yet because they're waiting for further test results but they don't think I have, hopefully. They thought my pains were in slightly the wrong part of my chest. The doctor did ask me if I'd ever had a bone scan (which I have). Thought that was a bit of an odd question to ask so I don't know what he had in mind. Anyway, they're going to review me today, give me further tests, stick me on a treadmill to see what happens.

My breathlessness has got so bad now that it's getting impossible to do anything so I hope they can do something while I'm in. I hope they can do my angioplasty while I'm in, rather than send me home to wait till Monday. I want to get sorted.

Steve

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 09:24

Good luck today Steve with all the tests.

I can see you practising for your marathon on that treadmill!!

Fingers crossed they sort you out in double quick time. Maybe, as you say, they might bring the angioplasty forward. After all it was due in only 4 and a bit days time!!

Thinking of you and your missus. She must be getting stressed too.

Best wishes Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 09:49

Hi Steve,
well, you are in the best place at least!

If they can bring forward the stent work as well then that is got to be a good result!

Wishing you well ASAP

Kevin

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 14:43

Good luck Steve

Arthur

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 14:55

Best wishes Steve.

Gerry

Edited by member 15 Jan 2015 at 14:56 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 16:17

I hope they can be flexible with the op and then you can look forward. Best wishes.

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 20:14

Good luck mate,

Not nice to be in hospital but if it gets done early, then so much the better.

Here's to an easy and healthy recovery.

Best wishes

Allison

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 20:26

Hi Steve,

So sorry to hear your latest news, but thank goodness they are keeping a close eye on you, you are in the best place.

Really glad you have a good internet connection, I know this will be a great reassurance for you, as we are all wishing you all the best.

Take care,

Miss x

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 21:25

Hi,

Thanks for your messages.

I've just arrived home (actually 6.30pm but had to have a sleep) after a rather frustrating 24 hours at the hospital. The good news is that it wasn't a heart attack. This was confirmed earlier today, but they did further tests anyway.

In the end, it was decided that they would replace a drug I started last Friday with another which hopefully, will reduce my breathlessness and not cause the dizziness I'd suffered with the other drug.

The frustrating thing was that they decided to discharge me and told me to come back on Monday for the angioplasty. Ok, I can understand why they did that, but I was hoping they would sort me out while I was there. If the new tablets don't work, I'm going to have to spend the next three days in bed or in a chair because my
breathlessness is so bad.

The process of being discharged took near four hours. Fortunately, I was allowed to lay on the bed for most of the time I was waiting but considering the delay had been caused by waiting for the pharmacy to sort out one packet of new tablets and tracking down a porter with a wheelchair for me to use, it shouldn't have taken that long. I started to feel that, by the time I got home, it would be time to start the journey back to the hospital.

Even though, I have to say though that the care provided by the cardiac team was excellent, as it was last time. None of the discharge delays were their fault. One of the highlights of the day was the really nice roast beef, roast potato, yorkshire pudding lunch I had.

Anyway, I'm now going to be even more lazy in the next three days.

Really looking forward to Monday and being sorted at last.

Steve

Edited by member 15 Jan 2015 at 21:34 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 21:38

Hi Steve

Glad to hear it was not another heart attack, try and take it easy for next few days to get a bit of strength back ready for your op.

Re the discharge wait time, this is extremely common, I think the pharmacy have the wrong end of the stick when it comes to the four hour waiting target. Someone should tell them it's on the way in not on the way out.

My very best for Monday

John

User

Posted 15 Jan 2015 at 21:47

Steve I am sorry you did not get the procedure done while you were in, your discharge experience I am afraid is an all too common one. Happened to Mick both times he was in.

All the drugs you guys have to take clearly can and do cause issues, identifying the guilty one seems to be done on trial and error which must be very frustrating.

Try not to get too despondent and maybe take the time to sort some of those photos out to show us all. Forced rest may not seem ideal to you but I am sure your surgeon will be happy to have you in well rested.

Good luck for Monday

Xxx

User

Posted 16 Jan 2015 at 01:56

So sorry Steve that you are having such a torrid time. Have they said absolutely that the breathlessness is due to the heart problem and not your HT?

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 16 Jan 2015 at 05:49

Glad you are ok Steve, get as much rest in ready for Monday, best wishes, Kev

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 16 Jan 2015 at 07:06

Just to let you know that I am thinking of you Steve, and wishing you well, get these next few days over with then you can get on with the job of getting better again. These days will just be a bad memory.

All the best to you and your wife.

Alison x

User

Posted 16 Jan 2015 at 08:00

Take time to chill over the weekend. Good luck for Monday. The no heart attack diagnosis is good, even though it is frustrating not to know what is going on?

ATB

Dave

User

Posted 16 Jan 2015 at 22:01

Hi,

Thanks for all your messages.

Facing a long, long weekend until my op on Monday.

My Cardiac Rehab nurse has ordered me to rest after the events of the last couple of days. She said she'd prefer me to stay in bed all weekend but that won't happen. I will rest but doing nothing is driving me mad after eight weeks.

I know physically, with my breathlessness, it's harder for me to do much, but I would have loved to take a walk in the sunshine this afternoon. It's hard when you're not allowed to do that.

I think I'd like to write a book, been thinking about it for a while. It wouldn't be for publication but I would like my children and grandchildren (assuming more arrive one day) to read it one day and know how much I've enjoyed my life and how much I loved them. I want to share my experiences with them at a time they would be interested.

My uncle wrote a book about his wartime experiences. He would never discuss them as he'd been badly effected by them but I'm really glad he did.

I was researching my family tree and was always frustrated that I really knew nothing of my ancestors apart from their names.

Perhaps this weekend would be a good time to start.

Sorry to ramble on but I'm a bit bored.

Have a good weekend.

Steve

Edited by member 16 Jan 2015 at 22:07 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 16 Jan 2015 at 22:24

Go for it Steve

Xxx

User

Posted 16 Jan 2015 at 22:42

Writing is definitely therapeutic whether just for yourself or blogging or for family. So it's certainly worth doing! I have been blogging about my condition since I started though on a private blog with close friends and am half way through a novel and whatever happens to it the act of ding it has been very therapeutic and fun. So pick up your pen!

User

Posted 16 Jan 2015 at 23:41

The Act of Ding is a good name for a book, Paul. People closest to me have often said I must have at least one good novel in me but like you I write so much on work related topics it doesn't look much like a pleasure right now. Perhaps when I am a bit older I will follow your lead, my brainy friend x

Steve, write away and I imagine that any book you create would be filled with images that are important to you as well? Perhaps they should be your starting point for this weekend.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 17 Jan 2015 at 09:29

Steve

I was only thinking the other day you ought to write a book. Please tell me you will not be posting during the op on Monday.

Best wishes Chris

User

Posted 17 Jan 2015 at 09:35

I think we should all write an account of our lives for posterity, Better than a diary as it would consolidate the thoughts and experience of our lives for our progeny.

Hope the weekend passes without incident Steve and Monday passes off successfully. Be patient. Monday will come soon enough.

Lots of love

Allison

User

Posted 17 Jan 2015 at 11:09

Thanks for the messages.

Chris... me...posting during the op ! Surely not. Well, yes probably would if I could, even if it only took my mind off what they were doing to me. Unfortunately, they will be slicing my right wrist during the op so my writing hand will be out of action. In fact, I'm supposed to keep my right arm straight for 24hours so posting will be a bit difficult.

Allison, I totally agree with you that everyone should write their autobiography. I think people's lives are so interesting even if they haven't done lots of different things, it helps understand them better. I'm a great believer in the phrase "Do not judge me, unless you have lived my life".

I have been so privileged to meet so many interesting people during the course of my work. Fortunately, I have usually got on ok with most of them. I may post later with a few stories of some of those who I have a special place in my memories.

Keep in touch.

Steve

Edited by member 17 Jan 2015 at 11:11 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 17 Jan 2015 at 11:34

My mother-in-law has been in hospital for a week - probably not coming out till Tuesday, so I am a bit behind with what's been posted.

You've been put through the mill, Steve, and you are probably dealing with your misfortunes in the right way. I'm not brilliant with words, numbers are my thing, but I am sure you would find a book for your family therapeutic.

Good luck with your treatment.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 17 Jan 2015 at 11:56

One of my sisters had a bit of a troubled mixed up teenaged life and she's a great one for writing so has written instalments which she reads out to me periodically. She's found it puts things in perspective.

My dad before he died, wrote us all a breakdown of his life, admitting where he had gone wrong (and also confirming at the same time that we do not have a brother somewhere in the world! so it laid that myth to rest)

Perhaps start a journal of your life for private viewing and see where that goes, but since you have some wonderful anecdotes of the people you have met and photographed, which you could share, go for it.

Do the happy bits first, especially while you are recovering !!!!

Good luck for Monday Best Wishes Sandra

Edited by member 17 Jan 2015 at 11:57 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 17 Jan 2015 at 12:00

Thanks Paul,

Hope your mother-in-law's treatment is successful and she has a comfortable time while she's there.

Steve

User

Posted 17 Jan 2015 at 13:49

Thanks Sandra,

I think your message sums up perfectly what I was trying to say. It would be such a valuable exercise for anyone to do and would be a valuable gift for the family.

I certainly wish my dad had had the opportunity to do this. He died at the age of only 47 from a heart attack when I was only 18. I still miss him now, he was such a great dad who really sacrificed a lot for me.

My mum has been perfect too. She's now in her mid eighties, unfortunately showing signs of dementia. I made the difficult decision not to tell her of my cancer or my heart attack because I know that she would worry herself to death. I hope to beat both illnesses. I will tell her if it becomes necessary but until then I don't want her to sad. I'm sure there are many times she has done the same to protect me from hurt. It's now my turn to do the same. If anything happened suddenly to me, my sister would tell her my reasons and explain it was done out of love.

Well, thanks again for all the messages you have posted since I joined the community. I think I better sign off now before I bare anymore of my soul.

Steve x

Edited by member 17 Jan 2015 at 13:51 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 18 Jan 2015 at 19:58

Hi,

Looking forward to finally getting my heart sorted tomorrow. I'm not sure how easy it will be to post due to my situation. I'll try.

I just wanted to thank everyone here for all the support you have been to me. It's helped me through everything.

I have made arrangements for someone else to post for me if things don't turn out as I hope so you won't be left wondering what's happened. I'm sure that won't happen, I'm very confident.

Steve

User

Posted 18 Jan 2015 at 20:40

All the best for tomorrow Steve.
Will be thinking of you.

Kevin

User

Posted 18 Jan 2015 at 21:24

Good luck for tomorrow Steve.

While you are having the procedure done concentrate on your writing and the new you afterwards.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 18 Jan 2015 at 21:41

I will be thinking of you tomorrow Steve hope all goes well and I am sure you will post as soon as you can to let us know how you are diddling.

MandyMo

User

Posted 18 Jan 2015 at 22:37

Good luck for tomorrow Steve, I'm sure they will have you up and running that marathon in no time.

All the best

Roy

User

Posted 18 Jan 2015 at 22:43

Before I go to sleep I just wanted to say good luck for tomorrow Steve.

Praying it all goes well and you are back to good health really soon.

Lots of love

Allison

User

Posted 18 Jan 2015 at 23:45

Best wishes for tomorrow and this will another hurdle overcome.

Barry

User

Posted 19 Jan 2015 at 08:52

Hope all goes/has gone well Today Steve.

You'll soon be up and doing.

Best Wishes
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

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