I'm interested in conversations about and I want to talk about
Know exactly what you want?
Show search

Notification

Error


How to stop feeling devastated?

User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 07:15

Steve, empty your inbox!

User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 09:09

"As a therapist I am committed to working out what exactly is the nature of this terrible, crushing feeling, because in doing so I become a better human, a better therapist."


As a therapist you have a need and desire to help others, to take away their grief and pain as much as you can, bearing in mind that you are not inside that person's skin and therefore their grief or distress is secondhand to you, no matter how much you want to help them.

Well, you now have first hand experience and that will indeed make you a more caring and understanding person.
It can't do anything but, since you will now put yourself in the place of a number of your clients suffering as you have suffered.

I am so pleased that the results were curative. That is a magnificent word and all of us on here will be pleased for you both.

Whatever treatment path you travel, there will be some "knock on" effect, mild or serious, temporary or permanent.

You've been through hell and back in your imagination, but whatever those "knock on" effects are, they are never going to seem as bad as you worried they might be.

Best wishes to you both.
Enjoy your Easter with renewed faith and (if it were at all possible - which judging from your posts about him is unlikely) with a greater love for Graham than you've ever had.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 09:42
Hi Steph,

Good news from results.

Inbox a bit empty now. Not too much space.

Working at the moment.

Steve x
User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 09:53
That's really good news Steph
Yes there is a lot to get through now but the road ahead is a little less rocky for you both. You will always have the so-called "squeaky bum" affect at each PSA result over the next years, after treatment, as we all do and that will remind you of this experience and won't be pleasant. We all get it, cure or no cure as the results are usually meaningful in terms of successful treatment or a change to a new treatment or none at all.

I know what you mean about grief, I had the same type of experience when John was diagnosed, I felt intense grief for the loss of my husband, our intimate life, for my children (adults, but it's your dad right?) and our shared future and yet four years on he is still here, against all the odds. If someone had told me that at the time that we would have four years or more I would have jumped up and down and kissed them!

It does look like you will not have to know the reality of those feelings for a good time yet and with luck, your other half will live a normal lifespan. You may even find that your life together is enhanced in many ways as the realisation of what might have been dawns for you both. I mentioned before (I think) that despite my own husband's bleak future the last four years have been bliss from the point of view of love and partnership. We do strongly recognise our love for each other and despite the illness, we are grateful for that at least.

Time to now think carefully about your options, read, take advice and make the most of the time before the operation or RT, have a holiday if possible, get close and personal with each other and enjoy. It really is the best advice anyone can give you.

Delighted to read your post this morning,

Lots of love
Allison
User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 10:13

Good news indeed, Steph. Now the difficult thinking of what option to go for! But enjoy the moment before getting your heads around the differing treatment paths. The biggest hurdle has been jumped. One change you will understand is that time will have become more precious. It has always felt so to me that after diagnosis you focus on life rather than the alternative and suddenly living that life purposefully and with passion becomes the norm. For me three years have passed by in this enhanced state of living. Enjoy this feeling.

Edited by member 03 Apr 2015 at 10:14  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 11:03

What a pleasure to read such lovely words. And humbling to read of the courage and grace faced on your own journeys. It’s a neat reminder that there will always be the ‘squeaky bum’ effect, but for now we are able to just let the majority of the tension go. 


Allison, you are so in my thoughts – thank you for your mirroring so much of what the turmoil represented; you are so spot-on. And so are you Yorkhull; so thank you for your generosity. And Sandra, you’re right when you say my first-hand experience makes me a more empathic person – that’s why I’m a therapist. I’ve had more trauma and sorrow in my lifetime than some people's put together. What this has done for me as a therapist is to remind me that it is simply the presence of another that can make the difference sometimes, when the pain is too deep to even approach. In my profession, when I have so many ways and means of enabling people to claim back their true selves, this has been a wonderful and terrible reminder that sometimes, little is all. 


That Gray and I have to endure and overcome perhaps awful circumstances is nothing new to us – but that we will have to do so is a gift! A little bit of rain in the desert of my faith.

User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 11:03

Hi Steph,


I'm pleased the scan results have shown no further cause for concern and the PCa appears to be localised.
 Your worst fears have been allayed  ....that's good news!...

Now you will need to wait until the verdict from the second team is in before you can decide on what treatment path is best suited for you both.
Whatever route you choose to take there will be peaks and troughs along the way, but  I wish you both well on your journey.



Luther

User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 13:09

Good news Steph, 


Now comes the choices on Grahams treatment path , you have time and will be in a better place mentally to take in the different options there is a lot to get your head round but there is always some one here that can give advice on the different treatment paths.


 


When anyone hears the big C word it is very frightening , I am so glad that you have found the forum and with Graham's grading have now realised that there is hope in fact being in the cure camp is indeed news for celebration.


As some others have said he may even opt for AS and other than regular psa checks (squeeky bum time ) this may be an option.


Congratulations.


BFN


Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON
User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 17:48

Thanks, Luther and Julie. When we get the confirmation (P. G.), we'll be prepared for the next step. Gray is looking at the pamphlet - or has said he will (once the fright drains - he has hidden it from himself, but its affected him for sure). Apparently, AF is not an option, so it will be some procedure or other, but will keep you posted. Meanwhile the shock really is something to deal with, quite physical as well as mental. I feel like a wrung-out rag. Read your profiles - will be holding you up in my heart. Hope you don't think that's slushy or insulting.

Steph. x

User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 20:30

Dear Steph


I really can understand that feeling of grief that you describe. I have never known how to describe it before...but that sums it up perfectly.


I am pleased to read that your OH's results are positive in terms of the chance of a cure, that should give you real hope.


All the best


Alison x


 

User
Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 21:22

Alison - sending you love. x

User
Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 21:30

Delighted to read your husbands results, you have cause for hope so grab it quick !


 


Fiona. x

User
Posted 05 Apr 2015 at 00:06

You are a doll, fiona, thank you. x

User
Posted 05 Apr 2015 at 23:11

I will get back to you Stephanie.


Trying to do better than Mat 18 v20 !


Blessings,
Chris.


PS. Just seen your post on Steve's, try CAB first for advice for DLA or similar.

Edited by member 05 Apr 2015 at 23:16  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 07:11
Well said Chris

Also I think what we're all trying to do here is 2 Corinthians 1:4

Arthur
User
Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 07:53

thanks, chris and Arthur - might try to get CAB appointment, if there is still a CAB around!

User
Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 10:46

I am just now able to read - and take-in and understand - all the replies to me when I was in such a blind panic, and I want to try and answer each of you who have been not only kind but have been a lamp to my feet in that dark time. I'm hoping that this is not a lull in the panic, but that Gray and I will simply deal with whatever it is that comes and I won't feel as though I've fallen off a cliff, but I keep reading and re-reading the posts to me and just want to respond - this may take some time!

Chris - we'll see how similar are our stories but so far, parallel stuff. It gives me a measure of relief to see that you are doing so well, and hope too, so thank you for taking the time to give me a leg-up.

User
Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 11:04

Yorkhull,


thanks for your understanding and compassion. I re-read your post yet again the other day and ordered the toolkit. Gray has read the booklet now and so I don't feel as though I'm pushing him against his will to know, or taking complete control - or bl*** well losing it from terror if I know more, so we're going to go into the next meeting with at least a degree of understanding. The scans so far look positive, but I'm trying to stay cool because they are going for a second opinion from a team in another hospital, and the nurse who gave us the results kind of changed tack half way through the phone call from "it has not spread" to "it looks like it might have reached the outer margin, so they might want to opt for radiotherapy as opposed to anything else". I wish he had been sure of what he was saying before he said it.


I love your balanced view of things, and the diet stuff as well. We are considering the diet changes, but Gray just loves cheese, so at the moment we're aiming to reduce it drastically in the short-term. Wasn't it Groucho who said that giving up smoking won'[t make him live longer, it would just feel like it? Maybe as time goes on we'll manage more Paleo with less red meat.


And I love your positivity; on this site it has such authenticity. From all of the people, fighters and family, it is quite difficult to describe what it means to hear reasoned voices of sanity, with fact and experience to back-up what your saying. Thanks, Paul. 

User
Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 11:07

Arthur, verses 5 and 6 are apt too. [and up to end of verse 11 ]

Stephanie, the first dx throws us all into a panic, which is why having this site helps us all, it helped me when I had nowhere else to find info from, Cancer UK put the phone down on me because we were living in France, now you have to wait to see what the medics are going to do next, when you go to next appointment take a notebook and pen to remember what is said as it could be overwhelming, then take note of what PSA, Gleason and any other tests results are.

God bless,

Chris xxxx

User
Posted 07 Apr 2015 at 22:27

Thanks, Chris. You're not kidding - I must have sounded demented! It must have been a nightmare for you, in France. Could you not get treatment there? Would it be not as good or better than the UK? But how frightening, blimey.

I will take a notebook and pen. Waiting for the toolkit - hope it arrives before the meeting, but I'm already lining up a few questions after reading some profiles on here. Don't feel able to offer any support to others right now because I'm still a bit disorientated and I feel it would be a bit disingenuous, when I'm still wooley.

God bless you and your OH too.

Steph. xx

 
Forum Jump  
©2025 Prostate Cancer UK