Chris J's Journey

User

Posted 09 Jun 2015 at 19:57

Chris

you seem to be coping so much better, I think using your own experiences to help others will be really beneficial for you as well as others reading your posts now and in the future.

I don't think anyone who has not had to take HT can ever understand just what it can do and how it can make you feel and of course everyone seems to have differing levels of impact over time.

I hope that post surgery you will make a full recovery and regain all those urges and abilities you are finding evasive right now. I would say not to worry what Bicultamide is doing to you is common place the good news is that once off it things usually return to something apporaching normal. There are several men on here who can tell you about their experiences of intermittent HT, some have been on that for many years and enjoy a normal sex life in the "treatment holidays" indeed often more adventurous and more frequently to make the most of things.

As for only wanting a cuddle or a hug that is actually rather a sweet thing to say, ofen under rated a really good cuddle is reassuring it shows you care and want to both give and receive comfort. I always found sleeping like spoons nestled together was one of sleeps greatest pleasures!

All my very best wishes

User

Posted 09 Jun 2015 at 22:12

Hello Chris, I'm back from holiday and catching up with everyone's posts.

Just wanted to say really that it was great that you posted regarding getting help for mental health issues as soon as you can. There is no shame at all in asking for help, it shows you are human.

We'd all like to think we're super human and can cope but sometimes it's good to know that there is somebody there to catch us as we fall.

All the best for the 15th
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 10 Jun 2015 at 00:47

Hi Chris,
the Bicalutimide is unlikely to be the cause of your loss of libido after only a month; it is more likely to be down to your situation, anxiety and a sort of emotional block to the pressure of a perceived 'last 6 days'. Tiredness / needing a nap could be down to the tablets but again, more likely to be because you have been diagnosed with cancer.

Stay brave :-)

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 10 Jun 2015 at 05:20

understand what you mean re the bicalutamide, (no longer taking as only for a month know on Prostrap)

mine kicked in after about 8days

first thing affected was my running, makes breathing really hard gone from 6miles min (at 8min mileing)to 6 miles max(at 9.30min mileing)

also need a nap in the afternoon, doing gardening or any work round house takes alot out of me, everything takes alot more time

still do my best to keep my pecker up but even that is getting more difficult

not to much problems re getting up in a morning, feel more tired than before

but will keep running as much as possable, and enjoy what ever else I can accomplish

nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 10 Jun 2015 at 08:15

Hi Chris,

I just wanted to wish you all the best for your op on the 15th, I'm sure things will go fine.

Try to have faith that everything will be ok in the end. I know it's a tough journey, I'm really struggling at the moment, but hopefully, the support you find here will help you through.

Steve

User

Posted 10 Jun 2015 at 09:04

Thanks everyone for your replies and best wishes for next Monday . I have ALWAYS been massively attuned to my body and its health , and when I developed Hypo-Pituitarism , it was me who demanded the tests which proved I had no Testosterone or Thyroid function . Ive had 23 years of stress and anxiety and depression etc , yet it NEVER affected my drive etc for sex or performance , so I know this tablet has wiped out my Testosterone again -- the Surgeon sais 2 weeks for full effects .
Yes we're stressed at the mo obviously, which as Lyn said doesn't help either. Zopiclone will be my best friend Fri and Sat unless Pre-assess on 11th says not to take it .
Thankyou everybody, Chris

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 15:00

Ok so an utter horror to the system and probably angered everyone.

Got to pre-assess this morn and totally broke down again. Utterly completely.

Nurse . Prostate nurse specialist , consultant urologist I've never seen , and anaesthetist ended up in room. Decided they were forcing consent , so radical P now off on Monday. I couldn't apologize enough as I realize what a storm I have caused. I'm well brought up with decent morals , but at the end of the day I don't want the RP and what it will do to me. Urologist held my hand and couldn't understand why it had got this far.

Bombarded with calls now and just want peace

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 16:43

Sorry to read that you could not cope with it all. If you are not happy proceeding with it, or can not cope with the thought of it, you won't go ahead. Would not think that anyone is angry, your illness may mean that at times you may be unable to control how you feel about it all. Maybe your mind is finally made up? Whatever you decide you have to be content about it, and live with it, no one else.

Hope you can put it to one side for the weekend at least.

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 19:29

Chris, i think that you have simply found your own voice - you were never really sounding convinced that RP was the right option and I am really pleased for you that someone stopped and thought about mental capacity and your right to make your own decisions. Why would you apologise? Don't apologise.

Whatever those closest to you think or feel, they have no way of knowing what they would do in your shoes. Plenty of men in your situation (but without the MH issue) choose not to have surgery and opt for one of the other routes. Big deal - I didn't want John to have the op and did everything in my power to dissuade him but he was determined and that is how it should be - if he had listened to me and made a different choice because I was hassling him, I hope that someone else would have advocated and stopped me in my tracks.

Breathe, be calm, tomorrow is another day

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 20:03

Chris

I am so very sorry this happened today. In fairness the problems you are trying to deal with now are not only about PCa you are now also fully into the way your BP is making you feel and behave about surgery. Several men have got to the day of surgery and struggled to go through with it. They did because they had made that decision for better or for worse. You have not yet made a committed decision which is why the medical staff backed off. They cannot force consent or be seen to look like they have.

Right now I am not sure if many people here can help you much with that. We can share experiences about treatments, drugs, trials and all sorts of things but dealing with how you feel in your own mind right now we cannot.

Try and put today to one side for now take time out to just settle down so that you can regain your focus and start to think what options you may be able to deal with better than the RP.

I can offer you words of comfort and encouragement and listen to what you have to say and I will continue to do so. As will others There is no anger about this at all just sadness and sorrow .

I hope El and your family are coping with all of this in whatever way they can.

Thinking of you

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 21:28

Hi Chris,

This is the last place people will judge you. As was stated previously it was preferable to have second thoughts about the op at this stage rather than when you were gowned up ready for theatre.

I know that sometimes I felt overloaded with advice and was doubting my decision up to the day of the op. I would not worry about today. I was a nurse in another life and I know that the staff today will only have wanted the best for you and will have been faced with people with the same doubts and fears you had.

Take some time out. Have your good lady as a sounding board. You can re-assess your options. You can ultimately choose to do nothing that is your right.

Wishing you well

Paul

THE CHILD HAS GROWN, THE DREAM HAS GONE

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 23:46

Chris

Knowing my brother as I do, I am not the least bit surprised this happened. You are absolutely right to step away and reconsider your options.

Hope you are able soon to make and carry on with the preferred treatment, having considered all the implications and possible outcomes of each.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 17:39

Oh no not him again I hear you say . The aftermath of me cancelling the surgery at the pre-op assessment had repercussions obviously. The phone never stopped ringing , so I turned it off and buried my head in the sand.

Friday was a new day and I felt ashamed. Elaine was giving me " that look" that you ladies learn aged 4 . My mum and dad were angry , and a few friends that know me were quite shocked also . So I felt bad. I texted the nurse specialist to say sorry and also my surgery and also my mental health psychiatrist who had all tried to contact me worried.

Since I retired , I read with young children at my little boys school twice a week. On Friday morning my sons teacher grabbed me and wished me luck. And when I read with the children Friday afternoon they gave me a HUGE card with each child's picture and good luck message. I felt such a fraud. Elaine and I went to our village at 4pm and the surgeon rang . He was lovely and not mad like I thought . He asked how we both were . He said there had been another MDT meeting that day , and they insisted the operation was the only way. He promised he would do everything in his power to heal me but also keep my functions ok . He basically said the slot on Monday was still available , and Elaine said yes before I could - and gave me "that look".

And just now on Sunday afternoon he has called to see if im ok and still on track ( nice in his own time tbh ). Minor concern as I missed the blood test on Thurs re my dodgy adrenal function , but he said I should be ok ( my adrenal lumps still need looking at ).

So YES tomorrow is the big day -- Hand Laproscopic radical prostatectomy , with bladder work and Lymph removal . I suppose in the end I didn't have the choice , but did the "right thing". Either that or be shamed or die . So i'll be in contact Tuesday hopefully if all goes well.

We cant thank everyone enough for your input and kindness. And reading posts from the past .

On a lighter note its been amazing having sex virtually every day for 4 weeks ! I'm just dreading Elaine finding out ;-)

Chris

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 18:38

Well good luck for Tomorrow Chris.

You have everyone behind you, including those lovely kids who made the card. I'm sure when they all got together to make it they were all making a wish that you will get better soon.

For the surgeon to ring you on a Sunday, in his own time , proves that lot of folk have faith in you and so you should have faith in you too.

There was no shame in your behaviour last week, it was a natural result of your fear and your bi-polar.

I do hope that the surgeon has reassured you. I am SURE that he will do his very best for you. For him to contact you to give you that reassurance is brilliant. IF he is unable to do what he hopes then it will because he couldn't but he knows you best and he knows what he is up against and has still made that assurance.

I'll be thinking of you and willing you on. Good luck and bless you.
You are going to be fine !!!!!!
All the best
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 19:06

Hi Chris

I've nothing more to say than all the best for tomorrow from me and Steve, we raised our glasses to you last night so if your ears were burning about 10pm you know why! 😉

Big hugs to you and Elaine, "chat" to you soon 👍

Maureen x

"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A A Milne

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 19:41

Hi Chris,

I'm really pleased you're going ahead with it.

I'm sure everything will be fine. You won't be alone because we'll all be with you, in spirit. You've got loads of people here who really care about you.

Good Luck for tomorrow.

Let us know, when you get chance, how you get on.

Steve

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 20:49

Chris you have made what was a dull day for me bright, I am so happy that things have got back on track I broke out a bottle of wine to raise a glass to you. Cheers

Your post is full of spirit, I know the El look really well could bend a spoon from 50 paces away...I practice it a lot!

Everyone is totally with you on this.

I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best possible outcome tomorrow, your surgeon sounds fabulous and so caring.

Just remember tomorrow to stay totally focused no looking back and no regrets.

We will all be here to talk with you through recovery post op.

thankyou

xxx

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 21:22

Chris,

Really wish you all the best for tomorrow. You know you have support on here. Looking forward to your update.

Paul

THE CHILD HAS GROWN, THE DREAM HAS GONE

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 21:38

Well done Chris

This is hard, it has been hard, no one pretends otherwise but you can do it, you have loads of support. See you on the other side of the op.

Lots of love

Allison

User

Posted 15 Jun 2015 at 05:12

morning chris

just offering another hand for you to hold

nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

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