Dad - not looking good

Oh that's really lovely Paul.
Even if it doesn't last your mum (and your brother come to that) will have that happier memory

that is lovely to hear, those good days make the bad days a bit more bearable.

xx

Mo

We have tried to ask questions about Stan's treatment but the consultant was able to hide behind a 'patient is dead therefore I can't get his consent to share this information with you' and we got no further which was disappointing as we made it clear we did not want to complain but to understand whether there was anything significant that might affect John. In particular, we wanted to know whether stan definitely had adenocarcinoma or whether there could have been some small cell in there.

On that basis, my advice would be - if you really want to know this stuff - to do some gentle questioning right now of his current care team rather than wait until later.

In my experience, there is often a brief spell of brightening and increased clarity before the person slips away from you again. You are in my thoughts my friend.

I don't see it that you are taking a chance at all, you are getting a little bit of "you" time in and seeing out a season long commitment to your club. You have been there for your Dad and have told him all the things he needs to hear. If anything did happen then you rushing to try and get to him would not change anything. There is one thing I can say having seen many patients in end of life care. There is no set pattern but in almost every case the medical staff at the hospice have known. They observe signs that they are trained to see.

Mick was very lucid right up to the last 8 hours or so. On the Saturday we had three of our American cruising friends come up from Southampton having just completed the cruise we should have all taken together. They even brought him some KFC (disgusting I know but he loved it) He was excited that they were coming and asked me to dress him in a special T shirt, one which one of our visitors had bought him for Xmas. He sat and chatted with us all for hours and ate a good amount of his chicken too. He wanted to know all about the cruise and asked after some of the staff we knew on the ship. He wanted a photo taken with the Ladies which was a little unlike him,but I think he knew it would make them happy. I love that photo he has one lady either side hugging him and guess what he is smiling, a genuinely happpy smile not just a pose.

Then on the Sunday about 2pm he decided he wanted to talk with our friend Joy out in Georgia USA, so I called her, He chatted away with her for 30 mins or so. Then our next door neighbours popped in for a cuppa and to see Mick, he chatted with them until about 6pm. Then he ate a small meal every little bit of it. He went to sleep about 8pm and simply did not properly wake up again. He stirred a little about 6am and I called Karen because I thought she might want to say something, she talked to him and although he said nothing his facial expression showed that he knew it was her. I stayed with him holding his hand and talking to him until I realised his breathing had almost stopped. I called the hospice and Si at about 8 am. The hospice team arrived at 8.30 and pronounced Mick, then Si arrived about 5 mins later.

It was just as if he had known and wanted to say goodbye to some of the special people in his life and to some who he had not had the chance to see for a while. I drew a lot of comfort from that.

I hope that sharing this will help you when the time comes.

My very best wishes as always

xxx

Mo

Paul,

Sounds like your golf is the equivalent of the competitive obedience training and competing I have done with my dogs for years. Like your golf, I needed that to survive through Neil's illness and death, the dog training community of which I'm part and my wonderful dogs have given me something to live for over the last few years. Well done on your success, something to help de-stress from the situation with Mum and Dad. You are doing everything, they would be so proud of you. I am keeping you in my thoughts,

Fiona. x

Stan was the opposite - he waited until John went off to a rugby match and the rest of us were out of the room on various errands. Devasating for all of us, particularly John, but as always Stan did things his way.

If it did happen that way Paul, I think you would have to accept that he perhaps chooses - I have a friend who is CEO of a hospice and he once told me that he has known patients hang on for days because the family never left their side. His view is that for some people, their worries for the loved ones they are leaving behind keep them here for longer than expected. For others like Mick and my mum, having people close by maybe eases their mind and allows them to let go. My friend also said there are those who seem to wait to be told it's okay to stop fighting, as if they need the reassurance that everything is in order.

My mum stopped speaking quite some time beforehand but she was still able to mouth along with her favoutrite songs which we had on loop. My nanna had totally lost the ability to communicate but on her last day, was able to join in with me on a couple of her favourite hymns - music is a wonderful thing which evokes powerful memories and brings calm and recognition.

Thinking of you all x