Please forgive me for posting so frequently but it sort of helps put my thoughts in order and is so nice to know I'm not the only one having communication problems. If I am boring anyone or making them uncomfortable please do ignore me!
This afternoon I really didn't know whether to laugh or cry...
This morning D had a fall in the bathroom - we managed to get him up and he was unhurt apart from of course his dignity. After several minutes of thought he agreed to my helping him with his shower, then with drying and dressing him. This was very significant as I haven't actually seen him completely naked for about a year now - he has been so self concious about the changes the hormones have made to his body, not that it's bothered me but it has for him. The fall obviously shook him up a lot and a couple of hours later he started to speak.
D - 'I've been thinking.... (pause) - I've decided......(another pause) - I want to.....(long pause)
At this point I am on the edge of my seat thinking he is finally going to talk about how he feels or what he wants - then..
D - 'I'm going to leave the bathroom door unlocked in future'
Me out loud - Yes I think that's a good idea and I will come and help you if you want me to.
Me to myself - I need a large G&T or three.
As the days pass he is more withdrawn and uncommunicative. Sometimes it seems it is to much effort to answer simple questions such as 'do you want a cup of tea'. Other times he talks quite normally and interacts with whatever is on TV. He always gets several pointless answers when we watch Pointless! Over the last few days I am noticing that his attention is wandering and he looks to be in deep thought. It is quite painful to watch and I do wish he would talk a bit but on the other hand I do take on board what Mo says. He has to do it his way but it's so hard as Julie says trying to make the right decisions on your own. What wise people there are on this site!
Anyway I feel better now for putting it down in print. I'm sure someone will suggest that he may be depressed which I think he is but wouldn't admit to. He is on an antidepressant for it's appetite enhancing properties (which isn't working!).
Fingers crossed for an early appointment with the hospice doctor. Now where's that bottle of gin?? I've had just one alcoholic drink since Christmas because I've been worried that if I drink and he is unwell I won't be able to drive him to hospital and I'm the only driver. But my daughter had her first driving lesson today..