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User
Posted 17 Aug 2018 at 22:02

Hi all, just joined your group and have been finding comfort and reassurance from your inspiring posts. Thought I'd introduce myself and ask what may seem to be a slightly odd question!

My partner of 24 years has recently been diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer, psa 1766, Gleason 9 (4+5), spread to lymph nodes, pelvis, both femurs and spine. Came as a complete shock, he has had no symptoms apart from emotional and character changes through the past 4/5 years, something I had (wrongly!) put down to his age (68) and tiredness from still working full time.

He has started hormone treatment and will be starting chemo in the next couple of weeks. I thought he had adjusted reasonably well and we have been plodding on with getting our lives back to as near normal as we can. However, the reality of his impending chemo has really knocked him for six, he is irritable, tense and is often on the brink of tears.

I wondered if anyone else has experienced this emotional withdrawal and character change, he always used to be a demonstrative and loving man, plenty of hugs, gentle touches and he always put everyone else's needs and wishes before his own. Now he is withdrawn, horribly self centred and the cuddles have all but disappeared. Since starting hormone therapy I occasionally see flashes of the loving man I used to know, they are always very brief but make me wonder if these changes are all due to the cancer? And as his cancer comes under control will I see more of my 'real' man again?

Also any advice on how best to support my man through his chemo would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

User
Posted 17 Aug 2018 at 23:45
I think most of the things you are describing are down to the hormone treatment although some will be about having a terminal illness.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 18 Aug 2018 at 10:18

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

he always used to be a demonstrative and loving man, plenty of hugs, gentle touches and he always put everyone else's needs and wishes before his own. Now he is withdrawn, horribly self centred and the cuddles have all but disappeared. Since starting hormone therapy I occasionally see flashes of the loving man I used to know, they are always very brief but make me wonder if these changes are all due to the cancer? 

I was informed literally yesterday I have changed like this.As far as I am aware, my behaviour hadn't changed.

He has not made a conscious decision to change and be "nasty".
Will he change back? I don't feel that I have changed so can't "unchange" myself.

I can't offer any advice......sorry......I wish I could be more constructive.
Just try to remember that for whatever reason, it isn't deliberate on his part.

User
Posted 18 Aug 2018 at 10:35

 

Thank you so much Unklian, your words have helped me more than you could ever realise. Just to know that someone else has noticed similar changes and that I am not completely bonkers. 

I am aware that he doesn't realise he has changed, I guess life changes us all in different ways.

Thanks again.

User
Posted 18 Aug 2018 at 22:15
I was diagnosed as incurable May 2017 aged 60. Has it changed me? You bet. Emotional? You bet. Angry? You bet. Able to cry at the drop of a hat? You bet. Struggling to cope? Much less than 12, 9 and 6 months ago. Hormone therapy sucks. It completely emasculates us and we feel totally worthless. We can’t do what we should be able to do, e.g. look after our Wives and kids and Grandkids like we should be able to do. We can’t lead a normal life (god I miss normality). It’s tough but we live in the moment and live with cancer rather than think of us as dying of cancer
User
Posted 19 Aug 2018 at 10:28

Very briefly gillyj, your words are wise and should be heeded by people.

my OH and I are closer than we were pre Pca. I was always the tough guy, her rock and the kids, who are now in early 40’s.

 Now drop of a hat I will be sitting on the sofa and my eyes start to moisten for no reason at all other than I know it’s side-effects of the hormone therapy .

 At first I was embarrassed by this for months, now I have learned to accept it and I go to my OH for a long hug.

We will get through it together. 

Edited by member 19 Aug 2018 at 10:29  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 19 Aug 2018 at 21:06

Sending kind thoughts to you and your partner in life. There are so many people going through the same thing. I never thought I would write anything on here but I don't share any of my feelings with friends as it is not something they would fully understand.

We just go from day to day, good days and bad days, but whatever happens we support each other. 

Good luck to you.

 

 
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