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How to regain intamacy

User
Posted 15 Jul 2021 at 11:37

My partner had surgery a year ago and had all nerves removed and was incontinent for about 6 months.  He has tried injections but the erections are too painful.  He has totally shut me out and wont talk about it or go near me.  We are still loving and he is kind and thoughtful.  I know there are many options but don’t know how to get him to talk.  He said he doesn’t think about sex, it’s as if that part of his brain has such down.  I feel so sad can anyone help me.

User
Posted 18 Jul 2021 at 09:59

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

My partner had surgery a year ago and had all nerves removed and was incontinent for about 6 months.  He has tried injections but the erections are too painful.  He has totally shut me out and wont talk about it or go near me.  We are still loving and he is kind and thoughtful.  I know there are many options but don’t know how to get him to talk.  He said he doesn’t think about sex, it’s as if that part of his brain has such down.  I feel so sad can anyone help me.

Dear Christca,

I really feel for you both! Firstly, I am so glad to hear you are loving, kind and thoughtful together. The frustrations you are both feeling can push a couple into something harsher - well done to you both for remembering that you love each other.

Secondly, I can understand him shutting down, as well as not wanting injections. Sex is such a natural gift, it is really hard to get there through a welter of wet nappies and crazy chemicals! And for me, after about six months of ED and also with a very loving relationship, I just wanted to push away because I knew any kind of hugging could lead to bitter disappointment. I remember the desolation of humping away with a floppy stump - shutting down feels like an improvement on that.

Thirdly - with your love and kindness between you, there are ways to be sexual again. I could never have gotten there without my wife's constant loving support.

What works for us, and it took literally months and months to get there, is the vacuum pump (VED) integrated into our loving. We cuddle and love each other without expecting penetration or orgasm. Then if there is some sexual energy for at least one of us, she asks if I am open to get out my pump.

If I am (and sometimes I am not - remember there is the black dog of desolate disappointment constantly barking behind me), then I put the ring over my desperately floppy little sausage and begin pumping, while she continues to stay close and loving. This is so important. It was hard at first for me to accept her support when I was in such a humiliating state, but over time I have come to recognise how much I need help.

It takes a while to pump up an erection - and longer when the black dog barks louder - sometimes it just doesn't work and we give up.

When it works, and I get hard, I remove the pump leaving the ring in place and she strokes me. Sometimes it stays up long enough to put it inside her and that is like dying and going to heaven. All those months of persistence from both of us have paid off. We have literally made love together.... 

The thing to know, is that it takes months for a penis owner to get used to pumping. At first, he will find that it hurts. Tell him from me, this gets better with practice. It is actually like any other muscle you exercise after being a coach potato for an extended period - aches until you get fit again.

He will probably also choose rings that are too loose to maintain an erection during sex. The one I use now is about the diameter of my finger - which is a challenge to my male ego!

Thirdly, it is just weird that this penis that has been a wellspring of energy and eagerness for me for 50 years, my most constant friend and renewable resource of joy and entertainment, is just so listless. It messes with my mind. It also feels numb and that feels hopeless.

All I can offer him is: after months of practice, it gets easier. And an erect penis is a million times more sensitive than a flaccid one - even if you had to use a pump to get it erect, and a ridiculously tight ring to keep it so!

User
Posted 28 Jul 2021 at 16:27

Hi Christca,

The replies you have received are spot on!  I would especially underline the fact that it really IS early days.  It's a long road.  I was helped a lot by seeing a prostate cancer psychologist (it's free in Canada for cancer patients).

Maybe reading my post https://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t26825-The-rules-can-change can help.

When your husband is ready, he needs to remember that there are lots of ways to have sex that don't need a penis (think lesbians).  My wife and I have become quite a bit better at oral.  The male identity challenge is harder.

Good luck! And all the best to you and your husband.

Albertacam

 

Edited by member 28 Jul 2021 at 16:29  | Reason: typos

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User
Posted 15 Jul 2021 at 12:10

Hi Christca,

I can't offer much help. I know the most important information we need to know is "is he on hormone therapy?" It is unlikely he would be after surgery, but some men are. If he is you have a very hard job ahead of you, if not I hope someone on here can help. 

Dave

User
Posted 15 Jul 2021 at 12:31
Firstly a year is not enough normally. Does he exercise with a vacuum pump. Is he on a daily low dose medicine like Cialis which can still help despite no nerves saved !

I’m guessing you’ve tried Caverject ? Yep for some it’s mega painful after. I couldn’t use it. Ask doc if he can prescribe Invicorp25 injections. Vastly superior results and no pain. You can also buy it online but £25 per shot roughly.

He’s blanking you because he’s lost an enormous friend and feels useless. Loads of encouragement, but some toys together etc. No need to lose it all

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User
Posted 15 Jul 2021 at 12:36

He said the actual injections were not painful it was the actual erection.  He has not been doing any ‘rehab’ either, he keeps his pants on in bed it’s like he Is hiding away 

User
Posted 15 Jul 2021 at 13:58
Try Invicorp as I said. Much better. Just keep supporting and maybe ease the lead a little ?? Best wishes.

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User
Posted 15 Jul 2021 at 22:36
Suggest you start by telling him you still need a sex life and that you are happy with whatever form it takes but you need something.

Sex for a guy after Prostatectomy is completely different and he is probably feeling sorry and emasculated by his loss of potency AND the other effects of surgery they don't tell you about (squirting on orgasm, leakage on arousal etc etc) all of this contributes to a feeling that it may not be worth the effort.. you need to make him feel wanted and loved even in his new degraded state.

The good news is 1 year out is early days it took me a few years to regain my confidence and that only came with the help of an understanding woman.

User
Posted 15 Jul 2021 at 23:14

Christca 

This may be of help now or in the future, there is no real preparation required and so it can be spontaneous. If you can master the technique it can be out of this world for both of you.

Have a look at the following link,the position described may be of benefit. Never give up and make it fun, I was supposedly non nerve sparing but even seven years on I get the odd surprise. I don't like the injections and perhaps that is a big stumbling block for your OH.

As CJ as advised a change of injection may be beneficial.

https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=jsU3IsgiaO8C&pg=PA128&lpg=PA128&dq=flaccid+insertion&source=bl&ots=wK5qRIC703&sig=ACfU3U2o-D7EWqabhn-cKh1DD8PzHu-ETg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwic_eL8tKnvAhVLe8AKHd4kDyUQ6AEwA3oECAUQAw#v=onepage&q=flaccid%20insertion&f=false 

 

 

 

 

Thanks Chris

 

 

Edited by member 15 Jul 2021 at 23:14  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 15 Jul 2021 at 23:53

Hi Christca,

Sorry for the situation you find yourselves in.

Have a look at a reply I wrote on the following thread at 05 Nov 2020 at 07:38

https://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t26730-Rejected#post247667

I think this may be a similar situation to yours (which is sadly not uncommon), and see if you think any of what I suggest there might work for the two of you.

User
Posted 18 Jul 2021 at 09:59

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

My partner had surgery a year ago and had all nerves removed and was incontinent for about 6 months.  He has tried injections but the erections are too painful.  He has totally shut me out and wont talk about it or go near me.  We are still loving and he is kind and thoughtful.  I know there are many options but don’t know how to get him to talk.  He said he doesn’t think about sex, it’s as if that part of his brain has such down.  I feel so sad can anyone help me.

Dear Christca,

I really feel for you both! Firstly, I am so glad to hear you are loving, kind and thoughtful together. The frustrations you are both feeling can push a couple into something harsher - well done to you both for remembering that you love each other.

Secondly, I can understand him shutting down, as well as not wanting injections. Sex is such a natural gift, it is really hard to get there through a welter of wet nappies and crazy chemicals! And for me, after about six months of ED and also with a very loving relationship, I just wanted to push away because I knew any kind of hugging could lead to bitter disappointment. I remember the desolation of humping away with a floppy stump - shutting down feels like an improvement on that.

Thirdly - with your love and kindness between you, there are ways to be sexual again. I could never have gotten there without my wife's constant loving support.

What works for us, and it took literally months and months to get there, is the vacuum pump (VED) integrated into our loving. We cuddle and love each other without expecting penetration or orgasm. Then if there is some sexual energy for at least one of us, she asks if I am open to get out my pump.

If I am (and sometimes I am not - remember there is the black dog of desolate disappointment constantly barking behind me), then I put the ring over my desperately floppy little sausage and begin pumping, while she continues to stay close and loving. This is so important. It was hard at first for me to accept her support when I was in such a humiliating state, but over time I have come to recognise how much I need help.

It takes a while to pump up an erection - and longer when the black dog barks louder - sometimes it just doesn't work and we give up.

When it works, and I get hard, I remove the pump leaving the ring in place and she strokes me. Sometimes it stays up long enough to put it inside her and that is like dying and going to heaven. All those months of persistence from both of us have paid off. We have literally made love together.... 

The thing to know, is that it takes months for a penis owner to get used to pumping. At first, he will find that it hurts. Tell him from me, this gets better with practice. It is actually like any other muscle you exercise after being a coach potato for an extended period - aches until you get fit again.

He will probably also choose rings that are too loose to maintain an erection during sex. The one I use now is about the diameter of my finger - which is a challenge to my male ego!

Thirdly, it is just weird that this penis that has been a wellspring of energy and eagerness for me for 50 years, my most constant friend and renewable resource of joy and entertainment, is just so listless. It messes with my mind. It also feels numb and that feels hopeless.

All I can offer him is: after months of practice, it gets easier. And an erect penis is a million times more sensitive than a flaccid one - even if you had to use a pump to get it erect, and a ridiculously tight ring to keep it so!

User
Posted 20 Jul 2021 at 21:03

Hi Christca,

Early days, however I'm unclear if this is complete lack of libido or not ? Have you have advice and support ?  Pump is the ideal solution in my opinion, either solo or with your help.  

Yes, loads of challenges as indicated by other posters however can be dealt with . Does he view this forum ?

Regards Gordon

 

 

User
Posted 28 Jul 2021 at 16:27

Hi Christca,

The replies you have received are spot on!  I would especially underline the fact that it really IS early days.  It's a long road.  I was helped a lot by seeing a prostate cancer psychologist (it's free in Canada for cancer patients).

Maybe reading my post https://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t26825-The-rules-can-change can help.

When your husband is ready, he needs to remember that there are lots of ways to have sex that don't need a penis (think lesbians).  My wife and I have become quite a bit better at oral.  The male identity challenge is harder.

Good luck! And all the best to you and your husband.

Albertacam

 

Edited by member 28 Jul 2021 at 16:29  | Reason: typos

 
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