Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
My partner had surgery a year ago and had all nerves removed and was incontinent for about 6 months. He has tried injections but the erections are too painful. He has totally shut me out and wont talk about it or go near me. We are still loving and he is kind and thoughtful. I know there are many options but don’t know how to get him to talk. He said he doesn’t think about sex, it’s as if that part of his brain has such down. I feel so sad can anyone help me.
I really feel for you both! Firstly, I am so glad to hear you are loving, kind and thoughtful together. The frustrations you are both feeling can push a couple into something harsher - well done to you both for remembering that you love each other.
Secondly, I can understand him shutting down, as well as not wanting injections. Sex is such a natural gift, it is really hard to get there through a welter of wet nappies and crazy chemicals! And for me, after about six months of ED and also with a very loving relationship, I just wanted to push away because I knew any kind of hugging could lead to bitter disappointment. I remember the desolation of humping away with a floppy stump - shutting down feels like an improvement on that.
Thirdly - with your love and kindness between you, there are ways to be sexual again. I could never have gotten there without my wife's constant loving support.
What works for us, and it took literally months and months to get there, is the vacuum pump (VED) integrated into our loving. We cuddle and love each other without expecting penetration or orgasm. Then if there is some sexual energy for at least one of us, she asks if I am open to get out my pump.
If I am (and sometimes I am not - remember there is the black dog of desolate disappointment constantly barking behind me), then I put the ring over my desperately floppy little sausage and begin pumping, while she continues to stay close and loving. This is so important. It was hard at first for me to accept her support when I was in such a humiliating state, but over time I have come to recognise how much I need help.
It takes a while to pump up an erection - and longer when the black dog barks louder - sometimes it just doesn't work and we give up.
When it works, and I get hard, I remove the pump leaving the ring in place and she strokes me. Sometimes it stays up long enough to put it inside her and that is like dying and going to heaven. All those months of persistence from both of us have paid off. We have literally made love together....
The thing to know, is that it takes months for a penis owner to get used to pumping. At first, he will find that it hurts. Tell him from me, this gets better with practice. It is actually like any other muscle you exercise after being a coach potato for an extended period - aches until you get fit again.
He will probably also choose rings that are too loose to maintain an erection during sex. The one I use now is about the diameter of my finger - which is a challenge to my male ego!
Thirdly, it is just weird that this penis that has been a wellspring of energy and eagerness for me for 50 years, my most constant friend and renewable resource of joy and entertainment, is just so listless. It messes with my mind. It also feels numb and that feels hopeless.
All I can offer him is: after months of practice, it gets easier. And an erect penis is a million times more sensitive than a flaccid one - even if you had to use a pump to get it erect, and a ridiculously tight ring to keep it so!