Worry about meeting the consultant on Monday

User

Posted 25 Feb 2022 at 21:31

Have to say I think one or two comments above about DW expressing panicky feeling were a little harsh There is no getting away from it, the C word is pretty damn scary and it's 100% normal to feel panicky at times, regardless of whether or not you have been told everything there is to tell.

As someone who has been on the receiving end I can strongly empathise with the feeling that you are not being told everything. It is very much what I felt prior to my treatment. And it has been widely acknowledged in previous discussion on this forum that urologists and oncologists can sometimes lack the reassuring 'bedside manner' one might be hoping for.

But as others have said. the problem is, medics have to be clinical in their assessment and can only pass on information once they are in full possession of the data themselves. It is all too easy when you are in an understandably heightened state of anxiety about potential outcomes to make the assumption that the medics know more than they are letting on, and that they are not keeping you fully in the picture.

However, the chances are things may well turn out to be a lot less ghastly than seems possible beforehand. Hindsight is 20/20 vision, meanwhile until you get to that stage, your mind is always going to be beset with anxieties. It is only natural.

So please DW continue to voicing your anxieties. This forum is a fantastic resource for anyone needing advice about the dreaded PC and we are all here to help each other get through the difficult times as best we can.

For the record, I was diagnosed with PC 14 years ago and underwent a robotic RP followed three months later by RT in 2009. Though I cannot pretend it has ALL been plain-sailing ever since, what I can say is that life has never been better. Just recently though, the dreaded PC has returned, so now I await news of when to start HT treatment.

But I remain as happy as the proverbial sandboy, because if my experience of PC has taught me anything, it has taught me not to worry. Things seldom turn out to be anything like as bad as it seems they might beforehand, and that was certainly how it turned out for me.

Edited by member 25 Feb 2022 at 21:35 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 25 Feb 2022 at 23:50

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

The other reason I worry is the physical dhanges in my husband. It used to be the case in winter that I would sit hugging the radiator wearing wolly jumpers and he would be in shorts and T-shirt and wanting to open the window, now he keeps putting the heating on saying it is cold and complaining that he is cold in bed (despite a tog 13 quilt with an extra quilt on top and keeps shutting the window which until recently was only ever shut if we were away on holiday). The other change is even more worrying. We were camping last summer in Northumberland near Hadrians wall and he did a lot of hill walking and each time I walked with him he would very kindly wait for me to catch up. Now when we our out walking even in town I have to wait for him.

Neither of these are considered symptoms of advanced prostate cancer - to be honest, they sound like symptoms of long covid?

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 26 Feb 2022 at 00:07

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

He had the bone scan today - according to the receptionist the urologist will have the result on Monday as my husband is high priority. Is that normal or are they hiding something from us? I know we were told he is T2a M0 Gleeson 4 + 3, but would the consultant tell the truth if it is terminal or would he try and hide it until it is totally obvious? Sorry for being negative, but this whole thing is really doing my head in especially as we are not getting answers (according to the NHS website we should be able to see his biopsy and pathology report).

I think that the diagnostic process is a bit more complicated than you imagine. The radiographer is not a doctor and does not usually interpret the images they have just taken; they send them to a radiologist who will assess and then share their professional view with the oncologist. The oncologist then decides the diagnosis either with the radiologist or at a multi-disciplinary team meeting.

You should expect to see the biopsy and scan results when the oncologist writes to the GP setting out the diagnosis and treatment plan. If you want to see the actual scan images, you can ask the oncologist when you next see him or her although I think the hospital can charge you for them and you need to give them a chance to have received, analysed them and placed them in his medical file. Under GDPR / DPA, it will be your husband who has to request them.

Doctors do not keep information from patients - in fact, the code of practice in the NHS is the opposite and it is sometimes the case that they feel obliged to tell patients the bad news that the patient said they would prefer not to know.

Also, not particularly relevant to your situation but useful for you to know that 'terminal' and 'incurable' are very different things. A man with advanced prostate cancer may be incurable but live for many, many years - we have members here who are still living good lives for 15, 17 years after an incurable diagnosis. Terminal means that all treatments have failed, active treatment has been stopped unless it improves quality of life and the person is expected to live for less than 6 months.

Edited by member 26 Feb 2022 at 00:12 | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 26 Feb 2022 at 07:24

We both have had booster jabs and he has been tested (last just before the biopsy) and the tests have always been negative.

User

Posted 26 Feb 2022 at 07:28

Hi Everyone, thank you for all your support. I helps a lot. Especially thank you to LynEyre for the explaination. That has helped a lot. Why cannot the hospital give us a timeline for when thing should happen? Would reduce anxiety.

User

Posted 26 Feb 2022 at 11:21

Hi Everybody, sorry for all the negative thoughts, but currently all my positive thoughts are exclusivly reserved for my husband.

User

Posted 26 Feb 2022 at 12:26

DW, no need for apologies, we have probably all experiened the frustration of not getting answers or results. I expect lots of things happen that can delay getting information to the patient. I suspect many consultants have a weekly routine, my consultant does MDT meetings on a Friday, if the MDT team have not got all the info I suspect it could delay making recommendations and getting the the information to you.

No doubt the disruption of covid is not helping.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 26 Feb 2022 at 12:51

Hi DW, don't worry about unloading your negative thoughts on this forum. There are plenty of members here we all have our own experiences and thanks to this forum can empathise with anyone elses varied experiences.

I'm of the opinion that it ain't worth worrying until you know you have something to worry about, and even then it ain't worth worrying unless you personally can do something about it.

Get the full diagnosis, get the proposed treatment plan, then research the options. I suspect your husband may either be clamming up emotionally or just have the same attitude as me, outwardly it would look the same but inwardly they are totally different attitudes. Ask him if he thinks you are making more fuss than he thinks it deserves and if he says yes, don't make a big fuss about it (at least not to him, but say what you want here).

Dave

User

Posted 26 Feb 2022 at 17:09

Hi Dave64diag2018, yes he complaints I make a fuss but also admits it makes him feel better so I am going to carry on making a fuss. The other thing I have done (and he at first complained, but after I gave my reason admitted that it is a good idea) is make him an appointment with a physiotherapist specialising in pelvic floor exercises so we know that he does those correctly. Not leaving a stone unturned to make sure he has a good quality of life when this is all over. Just hope it is over by June as our son & family are coming over then from the USA for a visit and he is really looking forward to their visit.

User

Posted 26 Feb 2022 at 22:57

I absolutely agree with your comment that doctors are obliged to tell patients the truth now.

Sadly my husband was given the devastating news that his condition was terminal by telephone and given the prognosis of four months or less. It was totally unexpected, although we did worry as his chemotherapy was stopped due to Covid, and the news destroyed all hope that my husband had left and we were left with this news without face to face contact as it was given in the first lockdown.

I think my husband might have been able to fight for longer if he had not been told. Although he valued the truth and it gave us time to sort a few practical things out, the news did take everything out of him and the end came after 4 weeks instead of 4 months.

However in the early days we felt that the consultant was honest and clear and we could ask as many questions as we wanted. The specialist nurses were also fantastic with their support.

User

Posted 28 Feb 2022 at 12:40

husband had bone scan on Friday, been told consultant would have results today - have not heard anything. I must admit that Torquemada would be proud of doctors and nurses treating people with cancer. They manage something he never managed. Torturing people for years on end and getting praised for it.

User

Posted 28 Feb 2022 at 12:45

sorry, one other question - when we saw the urologist and the speciality nurse we asked what the waiting time is for the OP, we failed to ask what the waiting time is to see the surgeon and oncologist. Has anybody got any idea how long it normally takes (is it 10 years)?

User

Posted 28 Feb 2022 at 13:09

It usually depends on what day the MDT meets - if the onco received the results of the bone scan today but the MDT meets on Friday, you should hear something at the beginning of next week. If the MDT meets on Tuesday mornings, you might hear something tomorrow afternoon.

The target for NHS settings is
- referral (on urgent cancer pathway) to first appointment - 14 days diagnosis
- referral to diagnosis - 31 days (aspirational)
- treatment choice made to treatment starting - 31 days
- referral (on urgent cancer pathway) to first treatment - 62 days

This is published by the NHS and easily found via Google - https://www.england.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/delivering-cancer-wait-times.pdf However, there is national recognition that Covid has severely delayed both diagnosis and start of treatment in some parts of the country.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 28 Feb 2022 at 18:03

I had made my husband an appointment to see a physiotherapist specialising in pelvic floor exercises, at first he was very reluctant, but went today. Now he is very enthusiastic about the visit - been shown how to do the exercises correctly and given a treatment plan and is of the opinion it was money well spend

User

Posted 01 Mar 2022 at 05:45

This will be my last post - I am getting a divorce, not because of his treatment, but because of his attitude.

As he is already suffering from ED (Viagra does not give enough of an erection for intercause) so I got him a vaccum pump. It arrived last week. Has not been touched. Comment: I'll do it later. Suggested he got fit and lost weight (and offered to go on a diet with him). yeah, maybe later. Got this attitude of "it'l be alright on the night". He is retired, but wants to go back to work (working for an agency) because he is bored instead checking what he needs to be as prepared for RP as possible.

Wish you all the very best. Take care

User

Posted 01 Mar 2022 at 06:14

All the stress off a diagnosis effects you mentally I know he is not being helpful but stick in their he needs you things will improve 👍

User

Posted 01 Mar 2022 at 09:05

DW. Sorry to hear your news. If he is like i was, he is still coming to terms with what it all means.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 01 Mar 2022 at 22:16

I just read your thread and wanted to say I hope you are OK. It’s an absolute blow to your plans and life so it’s perfectly understandable to feel all the emotions you express.

If it would be possible I’d suggest you get a second opinion maybe from a radiotherapy specialist as we always felt better for the ability to chat to a different expert and if you do a private consult it can happen quickly and efficiently and you can explain you’d be using the NHS for treatment.

Then a lunch somewhere lovely to discuss all you’ve heard. Good food makes even the worst feel better.

it doesn’t look like anyone will be doing the the trans Siberian railway is the near future but you can replan. Maybe a Norwegian cruise from and back to Southampton to keep things simple. Book flexible so you can go when ready and talk to your cruise line about what’s going on. Insurance can be obtained ( you may have to exclude prostate cancer but unlikely to cause major issues in a short time once you are through initial treatment.

it’s so so stressful I feel your pain and understand completely but may be worth a second opinion not to expect a miracle but just an opportunity to talk it all over with a different voice and for you two to have a meal after, talk, finalise a plan and breathe.

Just a thought of course

User

Posted 02 Mar 2022 at 08:20

Hi Everybody, we have had a long talk and no I am not leaving him. I love him, he is my world.

Thank you for your support and encouragement.

We also managed to get an appointment with the surgeon so hopefully we will move a step forward. I just hope it is not another one of those consultations as previously with the urologist - that was 20 minutes late with nobody telling us he was running late (if a receptionist for example had said that there is a problem and he is running late we would have understood) the consultation took 10 minutes and did not really answer any questions.

We did have a short meeting with the nurse. My husband on Friday rang on Friday with a question, nobody answered. A nurse rang back on Monday and as he was out she said she would ring back at 14.00h. We are still waiting for that call.

Let us hope the consultation with the surgeon is more in depth. We are also waiting for an appointment with the radiologist. Hope that will happen soon as well.

User

Posted 02 Mar 2022 at 08:52

Top news you need each other there is light at the end off the tunnel good luck with the treatment keep in touch 👍

User

Posted 02 Mar 2022 at 10:23

DW, I don't know if this will help, maybe not. Please accept my apologies in advance if so.

When I suffered ED following my prostatectomy a dozen years ago (I was in my mid60s at the time) I was offered viagra and cialis. Unfortunately neither had the desired effect. In fact a had a bad reaction to cialis, it caused me severe pain in my legs.

So next I was offered a pump. But I have to be honest, right from the outset I had grave misgivings about using it. The very idea of using such a contraption to enable sexual intercourse turned me off big time. The whole process seemed grotesque. But of course, I recognised that I was not the only one affected by my ED, so I did my very best to make something of it.

But despite my best efforts I was still unable to achieve an erection strong enough for intercourse and eventually came to the conclusion that for me the damage wreaked by the operation had been too great.

So it was that both my partner and I had to come to terms with the reality that sexual intercourse was no longer possible between us.

The good news is that we discovered there was so much more to our loving relationship than sex, and fortunately enough our marriage is as strong now as it's ever been.

I fervently hope that your partner can work through his current difficulties with ED but even if things don't work out, please please, hang on in there, because as you say, you still love him.

When all is said and done, it is your precious love that can help you get through these difficult times and eventually go on to resume a happy life together.

Tony.

User

Posted 02 Mar 2022 at 17:42

Hi Tony, thank you for your kind words. We are working on this together so we will find a solution to make us both happy.

User

Posted 02 Mar 2022 at 22:52

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

...so I got him a vaccum pump. It arrived last week. Has not been touched...

Would you be happy if he booked you in for breast enlargement, without asking you?

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

...suggested he got fit and lost weight (and offered to go on a diet with him)....

Nothing wrong with making a suggestion, but you shouldn't be upset if he declines. It's a different matter if you have issued an order and he has disobeyed!

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

...but wants to go back to work (working for an agency) because he is bored instead checking what he needs to be as prepared for RP as possible.

Ok I guess as he is 67 he has just retired, not too surprising he would realise that retirement is actually boring, and it is a sad coincidence that he has also been diagnosed with cancer at the same time. Prostate cancer does not mean you have to stop everything until it is cured. he should get on with living, whether that is working or holidays doesn't matter as long as it makes him happy.

Why have you decided on RP? He hasn't finished the diagnosis process yet! It isn't a very high grade cancer a less aggressive treatment may be better with far fewer side effects. Should he end up incontinent as a result of whatever treatment he has, you want to make sure it is he who made the decision not you; because you don't want that hanging over you for the rest of your life.

My apologies if this post lacks finesse, but I think some straight talking is required here.

Dave

User

Posted 03 Mar 2022 at 05:48

Hi Dave64diag2018, I got him the vaccum pump after we discussed it and he thought it is a good idea and as to the breast enlargement - probably not as I am rather well endowed. I am not pushing him to loose weight, that again is his idea after doing research (and he has lost a stone already) I am just offering to join him.

Regarding RP, that is NOT my idea at all. I would prefer he went to UCL or Vitus Klinik for treatment with the Nanoknife and he is now investigating these ideas further. (been told he is not suitable for HIFU as the cancer is in a bad position for this).

My husband does not like the idea of Brachytherapy and cryotherapy at all. So that is out.

Anyhow, I know he is bored beeing retired and waiting for me to retire (why did they change retirement age for women and then on top of that removed the right to retire early on a slightly reduced pension) so we can do extensive travelling.

User

Posted 03 Mar 2022 at 08:13

I am also not very keen on the hospital he has chosen (had the choice between 2 and choose this one). looking at the statistics it is a slash and burn outfit (less than a quarter of the English (English average is about 10% this hospital about 2%) average of Active surveilance), I felt we were being railroaded by the urologist to opt for RP (they now got 3 surgeons doing it, the one we are seeing is new and I cannot find any of his statistics unlike the other 2). Hospital is a teaching hospital, but very disorganised. Got the appointment letter asking us to bring the letter and the attached form filled in, no form attached. Will have to ring today to get the form.

User

Posted 03 Mar 2022 at 09:38

Hi DW I'm glad you are supporting him rather than taking the lead. If he has lost 1 stone, and as you mentioned earlier I'd fit and goes to gym then I don't see a problem here. I think RP is over used, because it's simplicity is very appealing to patients, but other methods are equally effective with fewer side effects. However all treatments can have side effects, and any treatment may fail; so it is best to leave the decision to the person who will have to suffer the consequences of their choice (as a couple you will suffer some of the consequence s but he will suffer them more).

Sadly the administration at many hospitals is lacking. I do hate it when politicians say they want to cut bureaucracy and spend it on front line services when often the problem is in the administration not the front line.

Dave

User

Posted 03 Mar 2022 at 18:15

Well, turn up for the books. Our GP just rang to see how my husband is getting on and how he is feeling and if he needs anything. She advised us to do a lot of research and consider our options carefully. We will defenitely take that advice on board.

User

Posted 03 Mar 2022 at 19:03

We were told my husband can only have nerve sparing surgery on one side - has anybody got any experience with that as in what effect did this have on incontinence and ED? Thank you

User

Posted 03 Mar 2022 at 21:15

It doesn't have an absolute impact on ED - you can have full nerve sparing and never have an erection again, or partial nerve sparing and recover fully. The nerves don't just work if they are there and not work if they have been removed - during RP, the nerve bundles are bashed, bruised and burnt and for some men, the bundles basically go on strike and refuse to recover or take a long time to come back to life. My OH had partial nerve sparing and most of his recovery was between years 2 / 3. He didn't have ED beforehand though - that probably impacts more on your husband's chance of recovering EF that how many nerves are removed.

There isn't any clear evidence that partial / full nerve sparing has an impact on incontinence since that is more to do with the removal of the first urinary sphincter and possible relocation of the second, plus any inadvertent damage to the urethra.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 04 Mar 2022 at 11:39

Wow, thank you Lyn. More than a dozen years after my RP and RT I am still learning so much from you. I cannot thank you enough for the trouble you go to to help us all navigate the minefield that is PC.

Just for the record, in 2009 I had nerve sparing on one side and was left with both ED and urinary incontinence (UI). I have already covered the ED in an earlier post above, but I was also one of the unfortunate 10% who never recovered from incontinence either.

However my problems may well have been exacerbated by (a) a slight pre-existing bladder weakness and (b) follow-up radiotherapy.

User

Posted 04 Mar 2022 at 13:04

Is it normal for the GP to ring and advise us to do research and let us know that my husband gets free prescriptions?

User

Posted 04 Mar 2022 at 13:21

What really worries me regarding the phone call from our GP is the timing. We are seeing the surgeon on Monday and we then will get the results of the bone scan as well (they had the results last Monday and refused to tell us over the phone) Could the 2 be linked?

User

Posted 04 Mar 2022 at 17:52

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 04 Mar 2022 at 18:20

If you have online access to your medical records (and if not, you can request it) you can see for yourself exactly what information your GP has. I think you'll find it's exactly the same as the information that you have yourself!

Best wishes,

Chris

User

Posted 04 Mar 2022 at 19:35

Our GP called us a little while after diagnosis just to see how we were and how we were getting on. We had already done quite a bit of research then and had some plans in place so he was ok with that. I think it’s probably a usual thing to do when they get the notes through from the hospitals.

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 09:21

For context, I was diagnosed with PC in 2015 at age 61 following a visit to my GP to discuss flow issues. She initially told me it was normal for a man of my age and I shouldn't worry. Move on a couple of years and I'm sat in front of a consultant who told me I had a slow growing cancer that wouldn't bother me for at least 10 years. Move on to January 2020 and I'm in for a non nerve sparing Radical Robotic Prostatectomy.

At every stage there have been fresh things to worry about, what kept me positive during this time was my absolute intention not to be a passenger. I've researched, asked questions of nurses and consultants and requested procedures where I felt they were necessary and they agreed. There were many things that frightened me, first DRE, first MRI, First Biopsy and of course every PSA monitoring blood test. I soon realised that you leave your dignity at the door, when I'd accepted this the process was a little easier to handle.

I suppose the message here is, your husband will be afraid, he may dread every stage of the process but my experience of the NHS and particularly the Urology Dept is that these people are caring and supportive. I think you need to see yourselves as part of the team, this amazing team of professionals who, collectively will ensure the best possible outcome.

My outcome is that 2 years on and PSA is still undetectable, I'm fit and well, continent but sadly defunct in the erection department. We knew this was a distinct possibility, my consultant gave us an option, accept the probability of a lack of function or face a significantly shortened retirement. Not an option for myself or my wife, immediate decision which we don't regret for a moment.

My wife has been amazing, most of all she's recognised the moments when nothing needed to be said or done, those moments when I just needed to stop and process my thoughts without any outside influence. We're as happy now as ever and determined to enjoy the rest of our lives together.

I hope you both have an equally amazing outcome.

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 10:04

Hi Everybody, I have been reading up on RP and RT and I think you guys are amazingly brave going through with either. I salute you.

On Monday my husband wants to ask about Active Surveilance as that topic was brushed under the table when we met the urologist and the other one he want to ask about is being referred to UCL about Nanoknife treatment (and alternative go to Vitus Klinik in Offenbach) as that seems to have less of a problem with incontinence and impotence. Has anybody got any experience with this treatment?

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 10:39

With a T4+3 diagnosis AS is unlikely to be advisable, given that the dominant type of cancer cells present are quite aggressive.

We've discussed focal treatments such as Nanoknife earlier in this thread.

There's really nothing brave about having RP or RT. You get through it because there's really no option; they're the treatments which have the highest rates of long-term success. I didn't personally find RT to be more than mildly unpleasant and certainly didn't feel brave having it 🙂.

Cheers,

Chris

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 11:02

Apart from recently joined member Paul, who had Nanoknife (IRE) and is a strong advocate for it. https://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t27796-IRE ,to the best of my memory the number of other members who have posted about their experience can be counted on one hand and none are regular posters, so you might not get a great response. However, I am aware that UCLH did a study of this which had ended by 2015 when I enquired about the procedure. I was told it was too soon to say how effective it was then but by now they should have more idea about how the men they treated responded to the treatment. I suggest that when contacting UCL (UCLH) you ask them about how men have responded over the more elapsed time.

Edited by member 06 Mar 2022 at 11:08 | Reason: to highlight link

Barry

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 11:09

I haven't, but we do have people on here who have, I'm sure they will comment soon. I would say AS is the best treatment possible if you're oncologist says it is an option. It has no physical side effects, the mental side effects, may be anxiety and that is what stops some people choosing AS (I would not suffer that side effect due to my personality). AS needs proper reviews regular MRIs (at least for the first few years to establish there is really no progress).

Very often AS fails after a few years, maybe less than five. Some people say "well if it is going to have to be treated I may as well have it done sooner than later". I don't agree with that sentiment. I would want a working penis as long as possible; only start chopping things up when you know it needs doing for certain.

Dave

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 11:17

At the 'what are we going to do' meeting, I raised the question of active surveillance, as opposed to r/p or hormone + r/t treatment (both with curative intent). My oncologist said we could go down that route if I wanted to, but 'we will just be back here in six months asking the same question, and the cancer will have had 6 months to grow and maybe metastasize'. It's easier, sometimes, to put off making a decision, but sooner or later the decision must be made. My thinking was 'hit it now, before it has time to get worse, because it's not going to go away on its own'. I was T1 m0n0 with a Gleason of 4+3 and a psa of 18.

Hermit

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 14:51

That is how my husband feels about it - we will see tomorrow.

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 15:05

It is interesting that you veer from worrying that he is terminally ill to considering active surveillance. AS wasn't 'brushed under the table' by the medics - it is unsuitable for your OH and therefore wasn't worth spending any NHS time discussing.

AS is suitable for men with a T1 or T2a G6 (3+3) or occasionally, a G7 (3+4) if the cancer is very small and well away from the edges. The fact that your man has a G7 (4+3) would make him unsuitable anyway but knowing that he would only be able to have nerve sparing on one side tells us that he has a significant amount of cancer AND that it is close to the edge. This information will probably rule out focal treatments such as NanoKnife as well.

Hard to accept but intermediate / high risk cancer needs radical treatment - radical treatment means accepting a high risk of side effects. Opting for less invasive treatment avoids the side effects but means he will die sooner or ends up with radical treatment down the line anyway.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 15:25

Hi LynEyre, thank you for all your help. I did not think AS was suitable, that is his idea.

It still has not sunk in what he has to face and he is still hoping that he can get away without any treatment. I do not know how to cope with this. Should I ask for an appointment for him with a consultant/doctor so that he finally faces reality? Maybe the meeting tomorrow will clarify it for him? His “head buried in the sand” attitude is driving me nuts. I know that the reality is very harsh and I wish I could spare it for him, but I can’t.

Any advice how to get him to face reality and get on with whatever treatment will give the best result (most important is free of cancer, after that it would be nice for his comfort and mental wellbeing if he were neither impotent (using aids like vacuum pump is ok with both of us, will just have to use our imagination to make it part of foreplay) nor incontinent).

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 18:19

I think you will probably survive best by recognising that this is his cancer, not yours. Who apart from you is to say that he needs to do this or face up to that? Maybe his way is the best way - my OH has managed very well for 12 years by only hearing what he needs to, making a decision based on what he is told at the appointment and then instantly forgetting any of the bad news.

Let him do this at his pace rather than yours.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 18:27

Sound advice as normal from Lyn reading what she has advised on this forum has helped me personally deal with it even if the advice has been for other people a real credit to this forum 👍

Edited by member 06 Mar 2022 at 18:29 | Reason: Mistake

User

Posted 06 Mar 2022 at 18:43

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

It still has not sunk in what he has to face and he is still hoping that he can get away without any treatment. I do not know how to cope with this.

I'd honestly suggest that you let him deal with it as he sees fit. Everybody comes to terms with a cancer diagnosis in their own way, and the fact that he isn't handling it the way you'd like him to doesn't mean that he isn't thinking about it. At the end of the day it's his body and his decision to make.

Best wishes,

Chris

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