Reclaiming Sex Life using VEDs
We have been married for 57 years, 45 years when diagnosed. Sex has always been very important part of our life. Here is our brief story of how I survived cancer and how we re-establish our sex life. I hope our story will encourage men and their wives/partners to realise that you don't have to give up your intimate relationship.
Sitting in the consulting room, the initial impact of the diagnosis was sheer fear of the big C, life suddenly ending, mixed with the anguish of thinking, death or no more sex? And then the notion that I would feel ‘less of a man’ perhaps. If I survived, would we fall apart without our sex life? Was this just another step down the path of ageing that we all face? Is there no way back from this point? When the consultant urologist warned us about the possibility of incontinence and/or ED our reaction was that all we wanted was for me to survive. He said, 'That's what everyone says but after the surgery you’ll feel differently'.
When I had the surgery 12 years ago we had been married for 45 years and had a passionate sex life. When I realised that I had a good chance of survival our thoughts turned to our intimate life. At the time it was a tough call because after recovery I was 99.9% continent (leaking urine only when sexually excited) and my erections were not viable really. We were determined to re-establish our sex life and through mutual love, matched libido, communication, imagination and a dose of humour, we began to establish a new normal. I realised I could orgasm without erection either by masturbating or mutual stimulation. We decided to choose the VED approach, worked out how to incorporate this technique into our love making, and the vibrator we had introduced some years previously, took a central place in our love making. Our desire to pleasure each other, the pump, the vibrator and our imagination have given our intimate life a new lease. Whilst my orgasms are different – sometimes mind blowing, sometime not much and occasionally not there – my wife’s orgasms have reached new heights because when I use the pump and put the ring on we have half an hour of mutual delight. Often my wife will orgasm and I don’t so she will help me to masturbate with a vibrator for solo orgasm which is equally pleasurable.
Edited by member 02 Jan 2024 at 12:26
| Reason: Punctuation!
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
Reclaiming Sex Life using VEDs
We have been married for 57 years, 45 years when diagnosed. Sex has always been very important part of our life. Here is our brief story of how I survived cancer and how we re-establish our sex life. I hope our story will encourage men and their wives/partners to realise that you don't have to give up your intimate relationship.
Sitting in the consulting room, the initial impact of the diagnosis was sheer fear of the big C, life suddenly ending, mixed with the anguish of thinking, death or no more sex? And then the notion that I would feel ‘less of a man’ perhaps. If I survived, would we fall apart without our sex life? Was this just another step down the path of ageing that we all face? Is there no way back from this point? When the consultant urologist warned us about the possibility of incontinence and/or ED our reaction was that all we wanted was for me to survive. He said, 'That's what everyone says but after the surgery you’ll feel differently'.
When I had the surgery 12 years ago we had been married for 45 years and had a passionate sex life. When I realised that I had a good chance of survival our thoughts turned to our intimate life. At the time it was a tough call because after recovery I was 99.9% continent (leaking urine only when sexually excited) and my erections were not viable really. We were determined to re-establish our sex life and through mutual love, matched libido, communication, imagination and a dose of humour, we began to establish a new normal. I realised I could orgasm without erection either by masturbating or mutual stimulation. We decided to choose the VED approach, worked out how to incorporate this technique into our love making, and the vibrator we had introduced some years previously, took a central place in our love making. Our desire to pleasure each other, the pump, the vibrator and our imagination have given our intimate life a new lease. Whilst my orgasms are different – sometimes mind blowing, sometime not much and occasionally not there – my wife’s orgasms have reached new heights because when I use the pump and put the ring on we have half an hour of mutual delight. Often my wife will orgasm and I don’t so she will help me to masturbate with a vibrator for solo orgasm which is equally pleasurable.
Edited by member 02 Jan 2024 at 12:26
| Reason: Punctuation!
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
Role of Oral Sex in Recovering from Prostate Cancer
This is a supplementary post to my previous entry. I thought it would be useful for men suffering from both incontinence and ED and trying to have intercourse.
Most men recovering from prostate cancer experience varying degrees of incontinence and erectile dysfunction (ED), some temporary and many permanent. When I was diagnosed, our main worry was will I survive this tragedy; the thought that we might never have sex again, if I survived, did not seem very important. However, as I recovered from my robotic prostatectomy 12 years ago, it was a shock to our life that, in spite of doing my Kegel exercises religiously, I did not achieve complete continence; I still leak slightly when sexually excited or when squatting, and I suffer from ED, more because of my age rather than the surgery. Rebuilding our intimate life with incontinence and ED was quite a psychological mountain to climb. Having assessed all the options for overcoming ED and the surgical options for incontinence, we decided to avoid drugs or any other invasive techniques such as injections or implants and use VEDs (Vacuum Erection Devices) to deal with these issues.
VEDs have been incredibly successful in re-establishing our sex life. I have written at length about how to choose a suitable VEDs, how to use it and incorporate it into love making on Prostate Cancer UK website. We had to not only accept the new normal, but we also
had to use our imagination, creativity and sense of humour to retrieve our intimate life. It has been team work. By sheer serendipity, ie the discovery that while enjoying the pump induced erection, no leakage is possible because of the constricting ring/s at the base of the penis, we discovered that oral sex became a more attractive option. This was a Eureka moment for us.
The introduction of a VED in our relationship posed a small challenge as to how to blend its use into our love life. Noting that if you use a VED, once you put on the ring/s (sometimes I use two rings, large one on top of the small one to maintain a strong erection) on you have half an hour of foreplay and sex, in whatever position you choose. Bear in mind when you have the rings on, the penis is rather floppy at the base of the penis because of the hinge effect. This puts a major limitation on foreplay because you have to make sure that you don’t cause damage to the penis. So for us it is foreplay first. During foreplay my wife tells me when to go and use the pump, when she is sufficiently aroused. Before I disappear into our en suite bathroom we decide which we’ll do… ‘Penetrative or oral’. We enjoy both, but I admit I tend to lean towards oral! This discussion about the choice is important because if we choose oral sex I use only one large ring and do not inflate my penis to its maximum because my wife finds my full erection unmanageable. I use the bidet to clean myself up to remove any traces of urine, dry myself and return to our bed with my ‘designer erection’. We arrange ourselves in the 69 position, with the aid of pillows for comfort, and dim the lights. Needless to say, I enjoy oral sex but my wife does not so I use a vibrator on her. When we began this practice I thought my wife would not benefit as much as I would. But surprisingly, she finds this whole scenario very erotic and sensual. The most amazing aspect of this repertoire is that I am in control not only my own orgasm but more importantly also hers. The teasing can continue for up to half an hour (time limit for the rings to be on) and I can tip us into the most ecstatic orgasms we have ever experienced. This, amongst others, has been an unintended benefit of this challenging episode in our 60 years together. It has made us appreciate each other’s needs even more and has brought us closer together, thanks to VEDs, rings, a vibrator, and of course our imagination and sense of humour.
Edited by member 23 Jan 2023 at 17:18
| Reason: Change of title
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
I don't know if it is something I am doing wrong, I bought a Vaccuerect device no long after surgery, which initially worked from the standpoint of giving me an erection, but the erection was lost soon after the pump came off. I was lucky to be issued with another type SOMAerect Response II - this one I have struggled to get working. I was also prescribed with the Caverject injection, this I have tried 2ce or 3ce again little or no erection. I am however 8mths post surgery and feel maybe I am being too hasty. I initially stopped taking the Tadalafil religiously (as I was given 8x20mg per month). I did recently purchase a tablet slicer and have now cut my all my 20mg tablet into 2 and now take it every other day, as I feel this is much easier to remember.
Even though my wife has been amazing and not complained, I could however sense the intimacy and the bond slipping out of our marriage. I did however purchased a strap on (yup a hollow strap-on), and I surprised her one evening by bringing it out. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing her orgasm at my thrusting with my fake penis! I have even gone 1 step forward by buying yet another aid, this time a clearly ample penis extender, I initially thought I could fit this on my penis, however it is impossible to use on a limp penis, therefore I have had to improvise by fitting the the extender on the strap on and now my missus is happy, we now have incredible sex every other day now. At least now I feel I am now able to make love to my wife as she has really missed penetrative sex!
User
My husband had cystoprostatectomy five months ago. From the beginning he takes daily 5 mg tadalafil. Immediatly after catheter removal we have been happy because he had strong orgasm with totally flaccid "Greg" . After a few weeks we noticed that "Greg" was much bigger (but not harder) with arousal. He experienced an equivalent of Muse which provides much more engorgment.
But we feel that if we try penetration then it will disappear quickly and we shall be disappointed. My husband does not want to try a pump...We have almost everyday very nice sexual life with wonderfull orgasms. Our goal is not to obtain a penetration but to enjoy what is possible for the time being. So we are very relaxed. Of course we hope there will be a good evolution but we have to wait, to wait and see ! A lot of tenderness and humor and our lives are totally filled.
User
Don't give up JDJH. Learn that sex can be great without penetration.If you focus on penetration, both partners will be disappointed.
Try everything that is pleasurable for both of you. Caresses, oral sex,... And you will discover how wonderful orgasm can be with it.My husband (71, very healthy) had a cystoprostatectomy 5 1/2 months ago and our sex life is still wonderful.
Take care of yourself
User
Although I did not have RP, we people on HT for years have the same problem but seem to be treated differently. Maybe because we have no Libido, they think that we don’t need to be considered in the same way. But many of us have wife’s/partners who we want to continue and have some kind of sex life with, so we have equal needs.
When I asked about a pump I was told that we would only consider that when you have tried something like viagra. Fair enough, but it seems there is no consideration that penile atrophy might set in when regular erections are not maintained. This worried me so I considered buying an NHS recommended one but they are over £200. However I was reluctant to spend this money without knowing it was going to be a success, so I bought this to try
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/male-sex-toys/penis-pumps/p/tracey-cox-edge-ultimate-performance-stamina-penis-pump-8-inch/a28656g46571.html
I have tried it several times and it does the job fine. You an use it for exercise or alternatively buy some of their cock rings which allow you to maintain an erection.
I actually prefer the pump to viagra which I have taken twice. Both times viagra worked fine but the second time left me feeling a bit groggy for a while. The other benefit of the pump is that it works quickly.
So why can’t they prescribe this without having to jump through hoops? Is it down to money? Seems crazy to me as viagra is not cheap whereas the pump is a one off payment. It also serves 2 purposes, exercising to keep the penis healthy as well as being able to have intercourse.
User
I totally agree with what Lyn is saying. I was quite depressed when I realised that I wasn't going to achieve 100% continence. Also because, before the surgery, due to my age, erections were waining. The treatment made it even more difficult to achieve viable erections. However, my wife and I decided that rather than feel hopeless about this issue, we would find a route back to our intimate life by other means. The most important element in our recovery was that we both wanted the same level of intimacy, talked about it, started pleasuring each other (you don't need an erection for this, and vibrators were a great help for both of us) and put the search for a permanent solution on the back burner. In many ways it felt as if we had just met and discovering each other all over again. The rest is as you read in my posts. Depression and anxiety can destroy any viable recovery from this traumatic surgery. Think of the problem of incontinence and ED as that of a hydraulic system where the pump is clapped out and that you have lost a valve and the remaining one is leaky (yes, I am an engineer/scientist)! The real recovery takes place in your and your wife's minds. Good luck.
Edited by member 28 Jan 2023 at 08:49
| Reason: Not specified
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
Netflix should do a mini series on the characters in this forum!
User
I assume you tried Somaerect because the other methods weren’t suitable. I think you should have another go. Here are a couple of hints. Use the middle size ring first and inflate your penis as far as it is possible. If that does not work I suggest you use two rings, a large and a small one. Small one first on and the large one on top. If it works for me it will work for you. I have been using VEDs for 12 years. Keep trying.
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
We have no power over the past or the future. We can just manage the present. Let's us be creative !!!. Angry, regrets, unreasonable expectations are devastating. When I touched my sleepy husbandI I feel deeply how lucky I am to have him with me. When we met he was living in the communist Tchecoslovaquia. We fall in love at once. But then, we were together approximately once every 3 months.
It took as long as two years before he was allowed to joign me in France. Our experience is incredibly helpfull for the time being. I suggest to all couples to identify what is the basis of their relation. Then they will overcome all problems linked to the ED.
User
Reading these posts is really helpful to me as you think your the only one suffering when there's in fact many guys going through the same thing. I had a non-nerve sparing RALP in September as I already had ED but could manage an occasional erection. At the moment I feel totally emasculated, no erections at all, not even any thoughts about sex, just like a switch has been turned off. I really want to regain some intimacy with my wife and I'm struggling. Biggest thing for me is a feeling of depression. I'm using a Bathmate at present to keep the penile tissue healthy as I'm on the waiting list for an implant.
User
JD, I think you need some other kind of help before you go down the implant road. Having RP does not switch off your libido, even if you had nerve sparing, so you need to get to the bottom of why you are not having any sexy thoughts. It could be (is probably?) depression but you need to address that because having an implant is not going to be worth it if you don't feel randy. See your doctor about your low mood; hopefully, s/he can give you something to help. Also, explore counselling from someone who knows about the impact of cancer - Macmillan or your local Maggie's centre maybe?
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
|
User
Thanks for your replies. I have asked Macmillon for a Phsycho sexual counselling session a couple of weeks ago. I did try the Soma erect VED years ago but my erection just wouldn't last so gave up. I didn't receive any advice on how to use it and the rings split. I have read in other posts that advice is available? Have an appointment with doc on the 6th so will ask ask some questions then.
User
That’s good Debbie, hopefully you have an ED nurse to demonstrate how to use the pump as that’s very important. My ED nurse is fantastic, you leave your embarrassment at the door when you have an appointment. She makes you feel so at ease, even if she has to demonstrate on you how to give injections.
I assume Steve still has his libido and that helps although I can imagine it must be frustrating when you want to but can’t. I can but don’t want to very often🤷🏼♂️, hopefully that will gradually change.
Good luck with the upwards!
Derek
User
Sounds like you are doing all the right things and have the right wife 🙂.
Maybe ask about injections as these helped me no end and seemed to "kick things" back into life.
User
Miles66,
I am almost 3yrs post surgery. I am thankful, that PSA remains undetectable, my incontinence is only night time (when asleep) and on the ED front, I use 5mg cialis daily plus the 20mg 2ce a week. I was nerve sparred on both sides, and could get an erection, but just not relied on it for sex, as my go to is the the vacurrect pump. I do feel, you should start the rehabilitation with the pump now in addition to using the 5mg cialis daily. Unfortunately, in my case I was not prescribed the 5mg Cialis (only the 20mg) and only got the pump from the NHS 6mths post surgery. I was however proactive and bought one myself 3mths post surgery. We did try several other methods and we have now settled into a working combination.
I initially gave up on the pump out of frustration, I erroneously thought I was beyond help with the pump, thankfully Pratap was kind enough to give instructions on how to use it, and I have not looked back since. I think our sex life is a lot more wholesome than it was before my pc diagnosis!
Show Most Thanked Posts
User
Great post PM - some try the pump but can't get on with it, some don't try it, some live in areas where the pump is no longer available on the NHS and there are some who find great success.
We used to have a member Adrian who was as positive about the pump as you are, and was often online to encourage and guide other members who were struggling
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
|
User
Although I did not have RP, we people on HT for years have the same problem but seem to be treated differently. Maybe because we have no Libido, they think that we don’t need to be considered in the same way. But many of us have wife’s/partners who we want to continue and have some kind of sex life with, so we have equal needs.
When I asked about a pump I was told that we would only consider that when you have tried something like viagra. Fair enough, but it seems there is no consideration that penile atrophy might set in when regular erections are not maintained. This worried me so I considered buying an NHS recommended one but they are over £200. However I was reluctant to spend this money without knowing it was going to be a success, so I bought this to try
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/male-sex-toys/penis-pumps/p/tracey-cox-edge-ultimate-performance-stamina-penis-pump-8-inch/a28656g46571.html
I have tried it several times and it does the job fine. You an use it for exercise or alternatively buy some of their cock rings which allow you to maintain an erection.
I actually prefer the pump to viagra which I have taken twice. Both times viagra worked fine but the second time left me feeling a bit groggy for a while. The other benefit of the pump is that it works quickly.
So why can’t they prescribe this without having to jump through hoops? Is it down to money? Seems crazy to me as viagra is not cheap whereas the pump is a one off payment. It also serves 2 purposes, exercising to keep the penis healthy as well as being able to have intercourse.
User
NHS guidelines srate that all men on medium or long term HT should have access to a vacuum device and also an ED nurse / andrology clinic if they wish. More and more ICBs / NHS trusts seem to be ignoring this .... or maybe the resource / finance managers are just not aware of the guidance
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
|
User
I don't know if it is something I am doing wrong, I bought a Vaccuerect device no long after surgery, which initially worked from the standpoint of giving me an erection, but the erection was lost soon after the pump came off. I was lucky to be issued with another type SOMAerect Response II - this one I have struggled to get working. I was also prescribed with the Caverject injection, this I have tried 2ce or 3ce again little or no erection. I am however 8mths post surgery and feel maybe I am being too hasty. I initially stopped taking the Tadalafil religiously (as I was given 8x20mg per month). I did recently purchase a tablet slicer and have now cut my all my 20mg tablet into 2 and now take it every other day, as I feel this is much easier to remember.
Even though my wife has been amazing and not complained, I could however sense the intimacy and the bond slipping out of our marriage. I did however purchased a strap on (yup a hollow strap-on), and I surprised her one evening by bringing it out. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing her orgasm at my thrusting with my fake penis! I have even gone 1 step forward by buying yet another aid, this time a clearly ample penis extender, I initially thought I could fit this on my penis, however it is impossible to use on a limp penis, therefore I have had to improvise by fitting the the extender on the strap on and now my missus is happy, we now have incredible sex every other day now. At least now I feel I am now able to make love to my wife as she has really missed penetrative sex!
User
I agree and sympathise with you. I am afraid it is a post code lottery! I understand that diabetic patients are prescribed this pump. In principle there is no difference between ED as a result of prostate cancer surgery and diabetes.
Within days of my prostatectomy in 2011, as a result of my urologist writing to my GP, I was prescribed SOMAerect (iMEDIcare Ltd) pump followed by the company's salesman's visit to our home to demonstrate the pump and showing as range of constricting ring! For a few years after this I could also replace the constricting rings on the NHS. However when my first pump failed I replaced it with the battery operated one, which I preferred, and I had to pay for it. Presently I am using PRIMUS (German) which I prefer but it has only one cylinder size; perfectly adequate unless your penile girth is above average!
As you know, the pump you are using is not a medical grade type, but perfect for rehabilitation purpose or if you are able to inflate your penis, remove the pump and quickly put the ring on without losing erection. However, in my case like most men with ED due to prostatectomy, the loss of vacuum with the cheap pumps does not provide sufficiently strong erection.
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
My husband had cystoprostatectomy five months ago. From the beginning he takes daily 5 mg tadalafil. Immediatly after catheter removal we have been happy because he had strong orgasm with totally flaccid "Greg" . After a few weeks we noticed that "Greg" was much bigger (but not harder) with arousal. He experienced an equivalent of Muse which provides much more engorgment.
But we feel that if we try penetration then it will disappear quickly and we shall be disappointed. My husband does not want to try a pump...We have almost everyday very nice sexual life with wonderfull orgasms. Our goal is not to obtain a penetration but to enjoy what is possible for the time being. So we are very relaxed. Of course we hope there will be a good evolution but we have to wait, to wait and see ! A lot of tenderness and humor and our lives are totally filled.
User
Neu,
that’s very interesting. I find that although I have zero Libido whilst on HT, my erogenous zones are even more sensitive than normal and gentle touching and stroking gives me a lot of pleasure, almost to the point of orgasm….might even happen one day!
I only use the pump for rehabilitation at the moment. Lots of fun and pleasure for both my wife and me can be had from Sexual Outercourse😊
User
PM , I can certainly identify with parts of your story. I often say to couples , never give up trying to find a solution and have fun .
Thanks Chris
User
We have no power over the past or the future. We can just manage the present. Let's us be creative !!!. Angry, regrets, unreasonable expectations are devastating. When I touched my sleepy husbandI I feel deeply how lucky I am to have him with me. When we met he was living in the communist Tchecoslovaquia. We fall in love at once. But then, we were together approximately once every 3 months.
It took as long as two years before he was allowed to joign me in France. Our experience is incredibly helpfull for the time being. I suggest to all couples to identify what is the basis of their relation. Then they will overcome all problems linked to the ED.
User
I was warned that my sex life would probably be over after treatment for gleeson 9 prostate cancer two years after radiation and ended hormone therapy in December still no sign off a erection have to wait and see if it improves but not holding my breath was probably right with the warning but still here with a undectable psa at the moment 🤞
User
I don't know anything about your treatment so difficult to make any useful comment about your chances of recovery from ED. In my case I came to the conclusion that invasive and drug related approaches were not for us. Hence we opted for the VED option. If you find that you are not going to achieve natural erections, the VED approach is worth considering. It requires practice, patience and support of you wife/partner but the end result may be worth it for you. It certainly was for us. Your sex life does not have to be over. Good luck
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
Survey of VEDs (Vacuum Erection Devices)
What we are reporting here is our experience of having used 5 different VEDs over 12 years. When looking for a VED you must consider ease of use (including disassembling and reassembling for cleaning), possibility of needing to use 2 rings, no loss of erection-strength when removing the erect penis from the vacuum cylinder and good ergonomic design is a must because you have to operate the device when your hands would have lubricant and/or urine on them. A safety button is necessary to release the vacuum if necessary. We have provided this survey in good faith on the basis of our experience. Every user must make their own judgement and not rely entirely on our recommendations.
SEX SHOP Rating and value for money: Not rated but good value for money£19 + Available in any online sex shop. Only suitable for rehabilitation purpose or just for fun!
SOMAerect Rating and value for money: 5 Good value for money£219-£299: NHS may prescribe this, Easy to use, no loss of vacuum when transferring the ring/s from the cylinder to penis, 3 rings (S M L), safety button, three vacuum tubes to accommodate different sizes of penis, handle operated (difficult for arthritic users), suitable for incontinent users, insert penis in cylinder and then inflate so urine leakage is contained in the cylinder, only 3 parts - easy to disassemble and reassemble for cleaning after every use (recommended)
PRIMUS Rating and Value for money: 5 Very good value for money£183 3 rings, safety button, 1 vacuum cylinder (suitable for average penis size), battery operated (suitable for arthritic users), very easy to use - insert penis in cylinder and then inflate so urine leakage is contained in the cylinder. Only 3 parts - easy to disassemble and reassemble to clean after every use (recommended)
Vacurect Rating and value for money: 1 and Poor value for money
£202-£298 9 rings (too many unnecessary choices making it difficult for inexperienced users), no safety button, 8 parts (?) , very difficult to disassemble and reassemble for cleaning (recommends cleaning every couple of months - we think it is unhygienic, particularly if you leak urine which many men do after treatment). Over designed and poor ergonomically because of the bulbus-shape which you have to hold when pumping, particularly if there is lubricant and urine present. If you have urine leakage, when you present penis to the hole in the ring, the urine mixes with the lubricant making everything smelly and unpleasant. Many men, including me, report loss of erection when removing the penis from the vacuum cylinder, since there is no 'release' button. In our experience, as others have reported, it is often necessary to put two rings on the penis to maintain a stable erection for half an hour - this is not possible with this device.
Edited by member 26 Feb 2023 at 12:21
| Reason: Formatting error
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
Role of Oral Sex in Recovering from Prostate Cancer
This is a supplementary post to my previous entry. I thought it would be useful for men suffering from both incontinence and ED and trying to have intercourse.
Most men recovering from prostate cancer experience varying degrees of incontinence and erectile dysfunction (ED), some temporary and many permanent. When I was diagnosed, our main worry was will I survive this tragedy; the thought that we might never have sex again, if I survived, did not seem very important. However, as I recovered from my robotic prostatectomy 12 years ago, it was a shock to our life that, in spite of doing my Kegel exercises religiously, I did not achieve complete continence; I still leak slightly when sexually excited or when squatting, and I suffer from ED, more because of my age rather than the surgery. Rebuilding our intimate life with incontinence and ED was quite a psychological mountain to climb. Having assessed all the options for overcoming ED and the surgical options for incontinence, we decided to avoid drugs or any other invasive techniques such as injections or implants and use VEDs (Vacuum Erection Devices) to deal with these issues.
VEDs have been incredibly successful in re-establishing our sex life. I have written at length about how to choose a suitable VEDs, how to use it and incorporate it into love making on Prostate Cancer UK website. We had to not only accept the new normal, but we also
had to use our imagination, creativity and sense of humour to retrieve our intimate life. It has been team work. By sheer serendipity, ie the discovery that while enjoying the pump induced erection, no leakage is possible because of the constricting ring/s at the base of the penis, we discovered that oral sex became a more attractive option. This was a Eureka moment for us.
The introduction of a VED in our relationship posed a small challenge as to how to blend its use into our love life. Noting that if you use a VED, once you put on the ring/s (sometimes I use two rings, large one on top of the small one to maintain a strong erection) on you have half an hour of foreplay and sex, in whatever position you choose. Bear in mind when you have the rings on, the penis is rather floppy at the base of the penis because of the hinge effect. This puts a major limitation on foreplay because you have to make sure that you don’t cause damage to the penis. So for us it is foreplay first. During foreplay my wife tells me when to go and use the pump, when she is sufficiently aroused. Before I disappear into our en suite bathroom we decide which we’ll do… ‘Penetrative or oral’. We enjoy both, but I admit I tend to lean towards oral! This discussion about the choice is important because if we choose oral sex I use only one large ring and do not inflate my penis to its maximum because my wife finds my full erection unmanageable. I use the bidet to clean myself up to remove any traces of urine, dry myself and return to our bed with my ‘designer erection’. We arrange ourselves in the 69 position, with the aid of pillows for comfort, and dim the lights. Needless to say, I enjoy oral sex but my wife does not so I use a vibrator on her. When we began this practice I thought my wife would not benefit as much as I would. But surprisingly, she finds this whole scenario very erotic and sensual. The most amazing aspect of this repertoire is that I am in control not only my own orgasm but more importantly also hers. The teasing can continue for up to half an hour (time limit for the rings to be on) and I can tip us into the most ecstatic orgasms we have ever experienced. This, amongst others, has been an unintended benefit of this challenging episode in our 60 years together. It has made us appreciate each other’s needs even more and has brought us closer together, thanks to VEDs, rings, a vibrator, and of course our imagination and sense of humour.
Edited by member 23 Jan 2023 at 17:18
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'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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Excellent thread Pratap. It's great that you and your wife are having so much fun at 84, never mind the prostate cancer problems.
I was on HT for two years and no medic offered any advice or support on penile rehab. My GP was quite happy to prescribe PDE5 inhibitors at my instigation.
Gaz, it's early days for you, it took 9 months before I got morning wood (well sapling). I do get semis now and the use of pde5 converts them to something quite usable.
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Thanks Dave live in hope 🙏
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Reading these posts is really helpful to me as you think your the only one suffering when there's in fact many guys going through the same thing. I had a non-nerve sparing RALP in September as I already had ED but could manage an occasional erection. At the moment I feel totally emasculated, no erections at all, not even any thoughts about sex, just like a switch has been turned off. I really want to regain some intimacy with my wife and I'm struggling. Biggest thing for me is a feeling of depression. I'm using a Bathmate at present to keep the penile tissue healthy as I'm on the waiting list for an implant.
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JD, I think you need some other kind of help before you go down the implant road. Having RP does not switch off your libido, even if you had nerve sparing, so you need to get to the bottom of why you are not having any sexy thoughts. It could be (is probably?) depression but you need to address that because having an implant is not going to be worth it if you don't feel randy. See your doctor about your low mood; hopefully, s/he can give you something to help. Also, explore counselling from someone who knows about the impact of cancer - Macmillan or your local Maggie's centre maybe?
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
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I totally agree with what Lyn is saying. I was quite depressed when I realised that I wasn't going to achieve 100% continence. Also because, before the surgery, due to my age, erections were waining. The treatment made it even more difficult to achieve viable erections. However, my wife and I decided that rather than feel hopeless about this issue, we would find a route back to our intimate life by other means. The most important element in our recovery was that we both wanted the same level of intimacy, talked about it, started pleasuring each other (you don't need an erection for this, and vibrators were a great help for both of us) and put the search for a permanent solution on the back burner. In many ways it felt as if we had just met and discovering each other all over again. The rest is as you read in my posts. Depression and anxiety can destroy any viable recovery from this traumatic surgery. Think of the problem of incontinence and ED as that of a hydraulic system where the pump is clapped out and that you have lost a valve and the remaining one is leaky (yes, I am an engineer/scientist)! The real recovery takes place in your and your wife's minds. Good luck.
Edited by member 28 Jan 2023 at 08:49
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'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
User
Pratap, if you weren't so happily married and having such great sex, I might be tempted to run off with you!
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
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Netflix should do a mini series on the characters in this forum!
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Thanks for your replies. I have asked Macmillon for a Phsycho sexual counselling session a couple of weeks ago. I did try the Soma erect VED years ago but my erection just wouldn't last so gave up. I didn't receive any advice on how to use it and the rings split. I have read in other posts that advice is available? Have an appointment with doc on the 6th so will ask ask some questions then.
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Don't give up JDJH. Learn that sex can be great without penetration.If you focus on penetration, both partners will be disappointed.
Try everything that is pleasurable for both of you. Caresses, oral sex,... And you will discover how wonderful orgasm can be with it.My husband (71, very healthy) had a cystoprostatectomy 5 1/2 months ago and our sex life is still wonderful.
Take care of yourself
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I assume you tried Somaerect because the other methods weren’t suitable. I think you should have another go. Here are a couple of hints. Use the middle size ring first and inflate your penis as far as it is possible. If that does not work I suggest you use two rings, a large and a small one. Small one first on and the large one on top. If it works for me it will work for you. I have been using VEDs for 12 years. Keep trying.
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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Thanks Pratap and Neu I'll try the pump again, as Lyn said I need to sort my feelings out. We've only been intimate once since September so I need stiffen my resolve, if nothing esle!
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'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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Hi. I've been told by the surgeon today that he couldn't save my nerves in the procedure. He mentioned VED as being a possible solution to the ED problem which I'm clearly going to have. It sounds as if you've been very successful using the device, can you recommend one please. Dave
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Hi Yeoman
Over the past few years I have used four different pumps. Since you leave in the UK you should be able to get an NHS prescription for SOMAerect (Medicare.co.uk, US make) which I have used in the past for many years with great success. It come with 2/3 cylinders to accommodate different sizes of erect penis. I presently use PRIMUS which is battery operated button suitable for above average size penis. There is a pump called Vacurect (South African) which is heavily advertised and which I have tried to use with very poor results - strongly advise you against purchasing that which is rather expensive and not suitable for a serious user.
If you send me a private message with your email I can send you a video which you may find useful.
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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Thank you, unfortunately prostate cancer UK won't allow me to send a private message, I'm too new member.
Dave
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If you comment a few times you will then be able to private message.
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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I’m just bumping this thread, after Pratap included his link re establishing sex life post op….it is so useful and there may be others at the moment who may benefit!
I know I did see it last year but didn’t pay much attention to it then as Steve hadn’t had his surgery at that point.
It’s only now (7 months post op) that we are really trying to re-establish our sex life, delayed mostly due to the incontinence issue taking longer than we thought to diminish…not fully there yet but definitely signs of improvement. Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone who has contributed on this post, it’s really helpful to us. Steve got an appointment with GP to discuss drugs and urology have asked him to prescribe SomaErect pump….so onwards and upwards (hopefully!)
Debbie
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That’s good Debbie, hopefully you have an ED nurse to demonstrate how to use the pump as that’s very important. My ED nurse is fantastic, you leave your embarrassment at the door when you have an appointment. She makes you feel so at ease, even if she has to demonstrate on you how to give injections.
I assume Steve still has his libido and that helps although I can imagine it must be frustrating when you want to but can’t. I can but don’t want to very often🤷🏼♂️, hopefully that will gradually change.
Good luck with the upwards!
Derek
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Hi everyone, I am just starting my sexual rehabilitation after partial nerve-sparing RP at the beginning of December. My incontinence is still an issue, I would say I was a "star pupil" at the catheter removal appointment but I don't seem to have moved on much from there. I do know that these are very, very early days so I'm not beating myself up and I'm still getting regular follow-ups with the incontinence team.
My surgeon put me on daily 5mg Tadalafil and I managed to get an early appointment with my ED Specialist last month who gave me "on demand" 20mg Tadalafil to see if that had any impact. So far I've noticed (like a number of you) an increase in general blood flow to my penis (he seems "chubby" compared to previous) but I'm not getting erections on stimulation. I will get further ED appointments and I'm fully expecting to go down the vacuum device soon. To that end I purchased the Lovehoney Edge pump as I had done my reading around maintaining blood flow. I know its not medical grade but the effect has been pretty good so far. Also played around with the Edge adjustable ring to some effect.
All in all, I'm very hopeful for the future. My wife is being very supportive but is definitely missing the penetration (penis-shaped toys ain't doing it for her)! I know these are early days but I'm determined to make sure that, if the one set of nerves I have decide to kick in, everything else is in full working order.
Thanks for the advice and support. Keep on keeping on!
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Sounds like you are doing all the right things and have the right wife 🙂.
Maybe ask about injections as these helped me no end and seemed to "kick things" back into life.
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Miles66,
I am almost 3yrs post surgery. I am thankful, that PSA remains undetectable, my incontinence is only night time (when asleep) and on the ED front, I use 5mg cialis daily plus the 20mg 2ce a week. I was nerve sparred on both sides, and could get an erection, but just not relied on it for sex, as my go to is the the vacurrect pump. I do feel, you should start the rehabilitation with the pump now in addition to using the 5mg cialis daily. Unfortunately, in my case I was not prescribed the 5mg Cialis (only the 20mg) and only got the pump from the NHS 6mths post surgery. I was however proactive and bought one myself 3mths post surgery. We did try several other methods and we have now settled into a working combination.
I initially gave up on the pump out of frustration, I erroneously thought I was beyond help with the pump, thankfully Pratap was kind enough to give instructions on how to use it, and I have not looked back since. I think our sex life is a lot more wholesome than it was before my pc diagnosis!
User
I just wanted to thank you for the posts you have made on the subject of penis pumps.
I bought the Vaxaid pump before I read your posts but I was not impressed with it. Difficult to use and painful at times.
I have sent it back for a refund and have now bought the same one you use. It is much better.
I am still having problems getting a full erection with it, though, but it is early days (I have only had it for a week).
I see you mentioned a video in one of your posts. Could you send that to me as it may help me use the pump properly?
Any help you can give me would be really appreciated.
Thanks in advance
User
Hi
Please let me have your email address and I will send you the link to the video.
Warm regards
Pratap
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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Hi Pratap
Thanks. Please email to pgoeghegan@aol.com
Appreciate your help. (Your inbox is full apparently, so I couldn't send by message)
Paul
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Hi
I am so sorry, I misspelt my email address in my previous post.
It is pgeoghegan@aol.com
Could you send the link again?
Thank you.
Paul
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Hi Paul
How are you getting on?
Pratap
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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Just in case I need it for the future, can you send me the video?
My email: jmuned@hotmail.es
Thank you
User
I would appreciat if I could have the video too, because I am struggling to find out how to proper use the pump!!!
Thank you!
User
HI Akis00
Can you send me a private message with your email address and I will send you a link.
Pratap
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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Akis only has 6 posts he won't be able to send private messages yet.
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Hi Akis
This is just a message to build up a number of messages so that you can send me a private message. Just reply to this saying something
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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Hi Pratap, unfortunately your message box is full and will not accept any further messages
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Hi Nick
I have created some room for new messages.
'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.' Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate |
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I do not know the minimum posts to be able to send private message!
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