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A Fresh Start

User
Posted 27 August 2015 16:56:21(UTC)

Hi,

I've decided to start a new thread.  I thought the other thread I was using recently wasn't suitable for some of the things I wanted to post.  I thought I needed somewhere to post things without having to start a new thread each time. 

I don't want to post as much as I used to, I realise that's not what's wanted on this site.  It was a great help to me at the time to be able to write things down but I will try to restrict that to a private journal.  The support I received here did help me through a very difficult period.  I very grateful to everyone here for your help.  People on this site are so lucky to have each other to listen to their problems, I've never come across such a wonderful group of caring people.

Some of you probably know I had some good news regarding my latest PSA test earlier this week: 0.040 down from 0.083 in May, but there's always something lurking around the corner. 

Today has been a difficult day, one which could shape my entire future.  I don't like days like this, they scare me.  In the past year or so they have never seemed to turned out the way I wanted.  I think I will have a few drinks tonight and say "what the hell".  I can't change anything now.

Anyway, I will try to be more positive on this thread.

Steve

 

 

 

User
Posted 18 March 2016 16:39:58(UTC)
Hi,

Thanks for your messages

Well, I could say "Ouch" but actually it wasn't too bad. Any discomfort was very short lived.....and the nurse held my hand!

As was said, I think it was just the thought of it when I've never even had a catheter before that made me feel apprehensive about it. I just feel a bit sore.

The good news is that test showed that my bladder is ok so the bleeding is probably a late effect of my radiotherapy treatment.

Thanks for your support.

Steve
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User
Posted 09 December 2015 02:38:19(UTC)

Hi,

Sometimes certain daily routines act as a constant reminder that my life has changed forever.

I know I should try to forget about my health situation and try to carry on and live to the full, but it can be difficult at times.  Going from being blissfully unaware that I had anything wrong with me to a life where I now take 15 medications a day (plus Zoladex stomach implants every twelve weeks), can get you down sometimes.  I've just worked out that that means I take 455 medications a month and 5460 per year.  A scary thought.

But, as everyone here would remind me, if they keep me alive and well, it's all worthwhile.  I'm very grateful to be given that chance.

Steve

 

 

 

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User
Posted 31 January 2016 16:51:38(UTC)

Hi Steve,

No one has made more mistakes than me, and perhaps I am making another in trying to cheer you up?

My favourite quotations include:

Those who don't make mistakes don't make anything!

Rules are for the guidance of wise men and the blind obedience of fools!

God only made one perfect man, and we crucified him!

So whatever you have done, whoever you have upset, dust yourself down, learn from your mistakes, and move on.

:)

Dave

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User
Posted 27 August 2015 19:05:57(UTC)
Sounds like you are well and truly on that road to a town called Acceptance - and with that does come a more positive mindset.

Wishing you well brother.

Bazza
I am Spartacus - with the strength of iron, a will of steel and the fight to give this disease a real run for its money.
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User
Posted 27 August 2015 21:19:32(UTC)

I am glad you have started a new thread Steve, a lot of the old one was in the past and brings back too many horrible memories for you.

Don't feel you have to bottle everything up though, I'm sure that wouldn't help

Positivity is good, but we'll understand that there are days / will be days when Mr Positivity ain't playing.

You know what we're like and you know that if there was a real, physical, way that any of us could help you on this journey we would do it like a shot.
All we can do however is the usual listening ear and shoulder to lean on until you have the strength of mind and purpose to stand upright again.

Why (If it's not too personal) has today been a "difficult day that could shape your whole future".
I thought the dropping ~PSA was good. Is it you heart?

You try and keep that chin up as high as you can Steve
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
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User
Posted 27 August 2015 21:51:58(UTC)
Hi Steve, whilst it's good to read that you feel different about stuff now it is also important that you share any feelings you want. If you don't think they are for general consumption then feel free to PM me or anyone else you feel may have a good ear or can help.
Stay strong buddy
Kev
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today
Avatar is northern lights whilst running in Iceland sept 2017
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User
Posted 27 August 2015 22:23:24(UTC)
Hi Steve

Good to see you posting again. Don't be afraid to post what you want to post, this forum is here for that reason, to support each other during our journeys, good or bad.

Roy
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User
Posted 28 August 2015 08:10:42(UTC)

Steve,

Turn over that new leaf!  And what a sunny day to do it!

Flexi

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User
Posted 28 August 2015 14:26:21(UTC)

Hi Steve,

Are you going to head it up with a new title ?

Best Wish Barry

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User
Posted 29 August 2015 21:13:17(UTC)

Hi Steve,

Just spotted A Fresh Start by S N

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User
Posted 07 September 2015 23:55:31(UTC)

Hi,

Feeling really tired, I feel worse than I ever have been before.  Sleep doesn't seem to help me much.  It's probably the newly increased heart meds are not helping on top of hormone therapy.  Wish I could get some of my enthusiasm back. 

I want to get back to some sort of normal life and post positive things but it's difficult.  There are too many things that aren't working out and I don't seem to be doing anything about them.

Steve

User
Posted 08 September 2015 00:18:52(UTC)

Hi Steve

I am sorry to hear you are struggling.
I'm afraid I can't help you much other than to give you encouragement.

When I ever get down and overwhelmed with things I revert back to "eating the elephant a bit at a time" and just force my self to not think but do - it does help. It's almost like going into another world.

As far as sleep goes I can relate to how you must feel, I wake up every 1.5 hrs with hot flushes throughout the night so try to have a nap during the day or just go for a walk.

I do hope you can get back on track

I'm thinking of you
Paul

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User
Posted 08 September 2015 03:56:53(UTC)

hi steve

good morning, hope this new day brings some new thoughts that help, what helps me a lot is reading about everyones little problems they make me realise I am not alone as it can feel a very lonely place, take healeys comment re hot flushs,  I have the same problem with night time hot flushs, am seeing dr on Thursday re issues with my treatment and going to ask if he can give me the tena pads on prescription, need them at night

nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'
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User
Posted 08 September 2015 06:21:31(UTC)
Hi Steve, sorry you are not great at the moment.

For me when I get like that I try and do something new to break the spiral however small it may be eg, walk somewhere different, go to a shop and treat myself to a sticky bun, take some pictures of happy things even just throw out some old clothes (give to charity anyway) or put on your favourite clothes, shoes etc that just bring in good memories.

Stay with it mate

Kev
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today
Avatar is northern lights whilst running in Iceland sept 2017
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User
Posted 08 September 2015 06:40:08(UTC)
Morning Steve

Sorry that you're not feeling your best at the moment. When "my Steve" was in a similar position to you he always felt better when ventured out, not necessarily too far, he'd walk a bit further to buy his newspaper and would stop for a coffee on the way home, nearly 5 years later he's still friendly with the owners of the cafe! He said the main thing for him would to get our of the house for a while.

If you think that the heart meds are not helping matters go back to your cardiac team as there are often alternatives available.

Wishing you well.

Maureen x
"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A A Milne
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User
Posted 08 September 2015 09:46:42(UTC)

Hi Steve,

Sorry to hear you're feeling down.  If I can be as bold to suggest, perhaps it's time to step back a bit and to come up with a list of "quick wins", things that are simple, are achieveable and build on from there?

Keep the faith!

Flexi

 

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User
Posted 08 September 2015 12:12:34(UTC)

Hello Steve,

Sorry you are feeling down again.

Don't know what to suggest really, since if it is the meds causing it - well you need the meds don't you.

Thinking of you and hoping your life brightens up soon.

Best Wishes

Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
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User
Posted 08 September 2015 12:22:54(UTC)
Hi Steve

Sorry to hear to are feeling low again - have you got someone you could go for 'a pie and a pint' with and have a good chat?

Arthur

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User
Posted 08 September 2015 13:06:41(UTC)

Hi Steve
I cant really add to what the others have said ! It really really helps to drag yourself up and go do something / anything . I hope you find the strength
Chris




If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
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User
Posted 08 September 2015 13:09:50(UTC)
Hi,

Thanks for your messages.

I think it's more a case that I feel so tired, wanting to sleep so much, rather than feeling low. Maybe the "happy pills" I take are working but I feel as if I don't care and can't be bothered about sorting things out. I have no energy to do the things I should be doing.

I haven't even been running for weeks. No energy.

Steve

User
Posted 09 September 2015 19:47:45(UTC)

Hi,

Just to say, my mailbox is no longer full.

Thanks.

Steve

User
Posted 10 September 2015 06:43:19(UTC)
Hi Steve
Maim sorry I misunderstood and so am glad that you're not feeling low.
Tiredness can make you lethargic - as I well know. the best thing of course is just to is to get out and about which I see you have been doing down in the City.
The boats on the Thames must have been pretty good and I hope you got a photo of them with Theresa May in the foreground.

Your work must be a great therapy and the places you visit fascinating.

Keep your chin up and I'm sure you will be back running soon

Paul
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User
Posted 10 September 2015 14:01:02(UTC)

Sorry you've been feeling down Steve. Sincerely hope it's just a "blip" and you're up and running again soon.

All The Very Best,

Cobbles

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User
Posted 11 September 2015 11:15:20(UTC)
Hi,

Just had my date come through for my Coronary Angiogram: November 2nd.

The day after my grandson's birthday party and the day before his actual birthday. Hope I don't end up staying in.

Steve
User
Posted 11 September 2015 12:03:08(UTC)

It will be an incentive to lay there and do as your told and not to fret yourself into staying in !!!

Hope you enjoy the little one's day, even if you aren't likely to enjoy yours!

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
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User
Posted 15 September 2015 22:05:40(UTC)

Hi,

Thanks, Sandra.  The only fretting I'll be doing is if they decide to recommend me to have a Coronary Artery Bypass Operation (my consultant has suggested it may be the way forward for me).

It looks like the first week in November is going to be pretty busy in my family.

As I said in my last post, it's my grandson's first birthday party on the 1st., I'm in hospital for a Coronary Angiogram on the 2nd. and my grandson's actual birthday on the 3rd.

I've now just found out that my son's wife will give birth to our second grandchild during that week also, earlier than planned because of previous medical problems.  It could be born on the same day as my other grandchild! 

It could be frustrating because I'm not suppose to drive for a couple of days after my operation so I'm not sure I would be able to see the baby until later in the week.  Oh well, so long as we have a healthy grandchild, everything else doesn't really matter.

Steve

 

User
Posted 15 September 2015 23:20:43(UTC)

I suspect the family would rather have you healthy even if that means it takes a few days for the new baby to meet his grandad - I am surprised that your daughter-in-law is happy to have you all visiting immediately anyway! Important that you have the treatment that will make you well again and allow you to get some joy out of life Steve - you have been sad for too long.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard


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User
Posted 16 September 2015 22:41:58(UTC)

Hi Steve,

I haven't posted much recently a bit like you tiredness has overcome me I do think depression is soooooooooooo very tiring and when the chips are down I just want to pull the quilt over my head and hibernate. Unlucky for me I can't do that with children and dogs depending on me so the old saying "ONWARDS AND UPWARDS MY FRIEND" The only way is forward .

Sometimes I think what they do with horses is the right way, for some of us put those blinkers on and we can't look sideways, sideways isn't good keep going forward  . You don't realise it but you have come such a long way . Forward keep going forward.

BFN

Julie x

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON
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User
Posted 17 September 2015 08:15:42(UTC)
Dear Steve,

I feel like this some days too, but I have 2 little children and my OH to look after so are forced to keep busy. However I find that keeping busy really does help, and when I have less to do, on some days, I am then looking for more to do!

My Mum suffers from depression and she too must keep busy and feel needed.

We spoke previously about voluntary work? Do you feel up to that, even if it was helping an elderly neighbor with the garden or walking their dog. Something to give you a routine and get up for.

Hope you can find some motivation soon and feel less tired.

Alison
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User
Posted 17 September 2015 08:24:26(UTC)

when I read what they do with horses, first thought was put a gun to my head, then I read about the blinkers

been the worst two weeks since I was diagnosed, all to do with the NHS post code lottery

nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'
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User
Posted 18 September 2015 12:36:11(UTC)
Hi,

Thanks so much for your kind messages.

The way I feel at the moment is summed up by something I've written before but still rings true:

"Sometimes I fly like an eagle,
and sometimes I'm deep in despair".

I suppose many of us feel the same way. It doesn't matter.

Working in Southampton at the moment, will post this evening, if I don't fall asleep.

Steve
User
Posted 18 September 2015 14:39:04(UTC)
Steve,

Glad to hear you have some work, let's hope it will both continue and be manageable for you

Arthur
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User
Posted 20 September 2015 08:30:28(UTC)

Hi,

Feel as if I'm being overwhelmed by work at the moment.  I know that this will change, probably this week, but I'm so tired I'm not sorting out more urgent things I should be dealing with. 

Since midweek (I can't remember what I did on Monday and Tuesday), I worked in London on Wednesday, Bournemouth on Thursday, Southampton on Friday, plus last minute job covering Rugby World Cup pub crowds in Reading (I turned down a higher paid job in Anglesey, I just think it would have been too tiring), yesterday I worked in Merthyr Tidfil and today I'm working all day at the Royal Berkshire Show.  I feel exhausted but I need to earn the money when I can.

I want to sleep.

Steve

 

User
Posted 20 September 2015 09:17:40(UTC)
sounds like you are keeping really busy Steve, I think that this will help.

Stay safe with all that driving to do.

Best regards

Alison
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User
Posted 20 September 2015 09:24:57(UTC)

Strewth Steve, all the (globe) trotting would be tiring.

Difficult one that isn't it. Take the work while it's there but be tired because of it.

You must be a good photographer though if the work is coming in.

Just try and make time for resting and relaxing - not easy I know

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
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User
Posted 20 September 2015 10:16:04(UTC)

Its really difficult for you isn't it Steve ? You want the money obviously but could do with a more balanced job where it doesn't all hit you at once . Keep trying , as I know I always feel better mentally when ive achieved something each day .
Take care and have a thorough relax when you get the chance after this week
Chris




If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
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User
Posted 21 September 2015 02:16:15(UTC)

Hi Alison, Sandra & Chris,

Finding it impossible to rest when I have to meet deadlines.

Just finished my pictures, captioning etc., from the weekend (at 3.05am) and have to get up at 7.15am to begin some more photo processing from work I did on Friday.  I sometimes I'm at the bottom of a deep hole that I can't climb out of.

Steve

User
Posted 22 September 2015 06:59:25(UTC)

Hi Steve really feeling for you in your situation , its a two edge sword being busy will take your mind off your other problems but you would be better having a bit less to find time to put your feet up but you need the income , hope it improves for you . Andy

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User
Posted 22 September 2015 08:10:32(UTC)

Thinking of you Steve.

Just do the best you can. You are not superman. Is there nobody could help you with the photo processing as a favour?

You've been at the bottom of that hole before and it won't be any more interesting this time round either, so look around you, see what footholds (no matter how small) you can step into. Every little step, no matter how tiny, will eventually get you within sight of the rim.

It's easy for any of us to say "Do it", we aren't in your situation. You know we are all rooting for you.

PS Good job you couldn't come on Saturday. It would have given you even more work !!! (But I did appreciate the desire the be there, thank you)

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
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User
Posted 22 September 2015 17:16:58(UTC)
Steve
you often say that your wife feels left out of things and she doesn't work. maybe you could teach her some of the stuff you do once you get home so that she could actually help you a bit.
just a thought
Mo
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User
Posted 22 September 2015 17:38:39(UTC)

I keep offering to help El with the dog-grooming !! I want her to train me up but she won't hear of it haha. I'm offended to the core. We are turning away SO many customers she is so busy / in demand.
Steve , people keep reminding me of the good day / bad day thing. It is so true isn't it. You will get through this fortnight and then find a spurt again.
Chris




If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
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User
Posted 22 September 2015 21:21:05(UTC)

Steve,

Although it doesn't seem it the work is keeping you busy and focused and of course the cash is another bonus , I too sometimes feel overwhelmed with work and not able to focus on Trevor but everything sometimes has a silver lining although at the time we don't see it that way. A bit like you I have to focus my attention elsewhere .

I think maybe the tiredness is making you feel that it is an uphill struggle and again I know this feeling, take heart that you have come so far from the place that you were in last year.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON
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User
Posted 22 September 2015 21:34:08(UTC)

Hi,

Mo, thanks for the suggestion, but I think it would take so long to train her and in reality, editing and finalising the images is one of the most important parts of the process.  I don't think I could ever be happy if I didn't do it myself.  I will always do this even if it makes more work for myself.

Chris, I think I will feel better when I get some of my problems sorted (not health issues), it's making things very difficult.  I hope for a better day soon.

Sandra, I'm certainly no superman, I'm a million miles away from that.  I did write you a long reply, but then lost it before I could post it.

Andy, thanks. Hope things are going ok with you.

 

Seem to have a bit of a problem while I'm writing this.  I had my latest Zoladex implant late this afternoon, four and a half hours ago and it's still bleeding now.  I can't seem to stop it.  It's quite painful too which I've never had before.  I just hope it's been inserted properly.

I wonder if I ought to check it out at A&E but I don't really fancy the long wait.  I would rather go to bed but I'm sure I would bleed all over the sheets which wouldn't be very popular with my wife.

I better sign off and sort it.

Julie, just seen your message, thanks for posting on my thread when you've had such a difficult day.  I really appreciate it. 

Steve x

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User
Posted 22 September 2015 21:48:34(UTC)
I refer you your comment "I feel that I am in a big hole and cannot get out".

There have been many times in my life when I have been in a similar hole - overwhelmed with all the pressures of work, family, home and just life itself. The hole is deep and it seems impossible to get out. Somehow i managed to get out myself using all the strength I had but sometimes the only way out is if someone else comes along and put's their hand in and lifts you out.

Is there someone Steve in your life that can give you that hand? Could that be your wife? Not necessarily in your business but taking some other burdens off of you? I do hope I have not offended you by suggesting that. I really just wanted to say from my own experience I know what it is like when it seems the whole world is against you.

It is easy for me to say, but please don't give up!

Wishing you al the very best and hoping things improve for you very soon.
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User
Posted 23 September 2015 06:07:15(UTC)

Hope you got that bleeding stopped Steve.

If it is unusual for that to happen to you, then you really should get it checked out.

Are you on blood thinners for your heart. Could that be a contributory factor?

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
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User
Posted 23 September 2015 07:17:24(UTC)
Hi Sandra,

Managed to stop the bleeding just after 11.30pm.

It's not unusual for me to have this problem wherever I bleed. I take an anti platelet tablet to help avoid another heart attack so I know what causes it. My only concern was the length of time it was going on last night.

Anyway, back to normal now.

Steve x
User
Posted 23 September 2015 07:46:31(UTC)

Steve,

If your Zoladex implant is causing the bleeding you have described why not ask your medial team if you can switch to Prostap injections. 

Alan

User
Posted 24 September 2015 01:00:06(UTC)

Hi,

Thanks Alan, but I'm probably a hopeless case. 

Once I start bleeding (from anywhere), I find it difficult to stop it.  Two weeks ago I had a four hour nose bleed in spite of applying pressure to all the right places. 

It's all down to the heart meds.  After November's angiogram I may get taken off the anti platelet tables, which may help my situation.

Otherwise I'm quite happy with the Zoladex.  Are Prostap injections given in a different place?

Steve

User
Posted 24 September 2015 04:24:00(UTC)

hi steve

wish I lived a bit closer then I may have been able to come along and just help out at your photo shoots, and prob show you how a proper camera works(canon)lol

seriously though difficult times for you and hard decisions all seem to be another part of our lives, just keep at it the best you ca its all we can ask of ourselves

nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'
Thanked 1 time
User
Posted 24 September 2015 07:14:04(UTC)

Hi Steve

You say that your bleeding is down to your heart meds and obviously I cannot comment on that point. As for Zoladex versus Prostap, after having two Zoladex injections years ago I changed to Prostap and I have continued with this over the years when I have been on HT.

The difference is that Zoladex is an implant pellet whereas the Prostap injection is very much the same as a “normal” injection. Prostap can be given in the arm, thigh or abdomen. I have always had mine in the arm without any reactions or problems.

I hope this is useful.

Alan

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User
Posted 24 September 2015 07:32:46(UTC)

Prostap would certainly be a much easier option. I have had the injections for over three and a half years and never had any bleeding or other problems.

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User
Posted 24 September 2015 08:49:52(UTC)
I've had Prostap injections since January 2013 and only have a little soreness in my arm for a couple of days after.

Arthur
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