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Right time to tell friends

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User
Posted 16 Dec 2023 at 10:26

I’m struggling to decide when is the right time to tell friends about my diagnosis. On the one hand I don’t want to ‘cry wolf’ before my treatment starts, but on the other I think it’s important to let members of my football club (170 men aged 60+) know so they are more likely to take a test.

User
Posted 16 Dec 2023 at 13:20

Welcome to the forum. I would say I had a similar dilemma to you (five years ago). I absolutely did not want to cry wolf, so I only told three or four very close people, I was having tests.

I'm fairly straight talking and not someone who likes sympathy. I didn't want people talking in hushed tones behind my back saying 'do you think he's OK' etc. So I wanted my diagnosis, prognosis and treatment path to be general knowledge. I'm in a flying club, so I told the biggest gossip at the club all the details, knowing it would get around.

To the usual greeting of 'Aye up chuck' which many years ago I found translates as 'how are you?'. Instead of replying with the only acceptable answer 'fine': I replied, 'I've just been diagnosed with cancer. I've got more chance of dieing on my motorcycle, or flying a glider than dieing of cancer. If you want to know all the gory details just ask'. The reply was usually 'Aye, you're reet then, why didn't you just say that'.

I really haven't had any problems since, in conveying my health status to anyone who wants to know, and I haven't had to endure any sympathy.

Unfortunately one of my friends did have a test (he had some symptoms), as a result he lost his job*. There is nothing seriously wrong with him, he is now on active surveillance, and has been for five years. So the damage caused by testing or screening may outway the benefits (not an argument for this thread).

*Before you start shouting about employment rights and disability discrimination. The nature of the industry he is in and the terms of employment such people are on is too complicated to explain here. He was also near retirement age, so perhaps not too bothered to fight his corner.

Edited by member 17 Dec 2023 at 03:07  | Reason: Not specified

Dave

User
Posted 16 Dec 2023 at 13:35

Thanks Adrian so good to know I'm not alone with this dilemma, much appreciated.

User
Posted 16 Dec 2023 at 16:53

Hi Namesake,😊

At first I was reluctant to tell anyone about my cancer, then I joined my local Maggies Cancer Support Group which really helped me open up and come to terms with this disease. Now I just tell anyone, if it can make just one more man(or their partner encourage the man) to get tested then it’s for the good, There is so much publicity about PCa at the moment I think it’s important that we also spread the word. Be prepared for the…

I know so and so and he had PCa and he’s fine
You're looking so well.

comments but just smile or laugh them off!

All the best moving forward,

Derek

User
Posted 17 Dec 2023 at 13:10

I tell all my friends, and remind them about testing... 

User
Posted 17 Dec 2023 at 13:26

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I know so and so and he had PCa and he’s fine
You're looking so well.

It's infuriating. Everyone seems to know someone who's 'had it', sailed through it and could still sh*g for England. 😄

I tell them to ask Bill Turnbull and Bob Willis, (God bless 'em), what a doddle it is to deal with.

Edited by member 17 Dec 2023 at 13:27  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 17 Dec 2023 at 17:02

I thought about this, and even had a chat with a Macmillan nurse about it.

I didn't want to lose friends which I'd heard happen with some people, so I needed to work out how to do it such that I didn't make anyone uncomfortable. That meant I had to be comfortable with it, so it wasn't something I was going to do at the outset. Both my parents were still alive too, and I was a carer for mum. In some ways, I preferred not to have to tell them, but I had no choice as I might be unavailable for periods during treatment. I knew that eventually I wanted to be open about it, but I wasn't ready to do that just yet.

So initially, I told no one. My diagnosis took 6 months (I knew I had cancer quite quickly, but not the staging or if I was eligible for a curative treatment for some time). I didn't need (or want) the support of anyone else during that period, and I couldn't see the point of saying "I've got cancer and I don't know if it will kill me or not". So I waited until I had a full diagnosis and prognosis before telling my parents, and a small number of friends. This probably isn't the case for most people, particularly if you have a partner when you'll want the support of each other.

I found I need to have some emotional reserve when I told someone, because it's even more of a sudden shock to them than it probably was for you, and you need to be able to support them. In the early days, I had just about enough emotional reserve to keep myself in one piece, but not to support someone else too. By the time I was starting to tell other people, I was more comfortable with it and had the emotional reserve to support them. Also by then, I'd learned more about the disease and my situation, which meant I could answer most questions they might have.

I decided to wait until after my radiotherapy to tell all my friends and put it on facebook. I figured it was likely to be easier to handle if people knew I'd already been treated. As far as I know, I haven't lost any friends through this, although I did suspect a couple might have struggled with what to say. On the other hand, I've picked up loads of friends I wouldn't have had otherwise.

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User
Posted 16 Dec 2023 at 13:13

Good afternoon Derek,

Sorry to see you here, but glad you found us.

I told my mates as soon as cancer had been diagnosed, mainly because two of them have been through it, Both have  been a great support to me.  When you open up to people that you've got it,  I think you'll be amazed how many others have.

Best of luck mate.

Adrian

 

Edited by member 16 Dec 2023 at 13:22  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 16 Dec 2023 at 13:20

Welcome to the forum. I would say I had a similar dilemma to you (five years ago). I absolutely did not want to cry wolf, so I only told three or four very close people, I was having tests.

I'm fairly straight talking and not someone who likes sympathy. I didn't want people talking in hushed tones behind my back saying 'do you think he's OK' etc. So I wanted my diagnosis, prognosis and treatment path to be general knowledge. I'm in a flying club, so I told the biggest gossip at the club all the details, knowing it would get around.

To the usual greeting of 'Aye up chuck' which many years ago I found translates as 'how are you?'. Instead of replying with the only acceptable answer 'fine': I replied, 'I've just been diagnosed with cancer. I've got more chance of dieing on my motorcycle, or flying a glider than dieing of cancer. If you want to know all the gory details just ask'. The reply was usually 'Aye, you're reet then, why didn't you just say that'.

I really haven't had any problems since, in conveying my health status to anyone who wants to know, and I haven't had to endure any sympathy.

Unfortunately one of my friends did have a test (he had some symptoms), as a result he lost his job*. There is nothing seriously wrong with him, he is now on active surveillance, and has been for five years. So the damage caused by testing or screening may outway the benefits (not an argument for this thread).

*Before you start shouting about employment rights and disability discrimination. The nature of the industry he is in and the terms of employment such people are on is too complicated to explain here. He was also near retirement age, so perhaps not too bothered to fight his corner.

Edited by member 17 Dec 2023 at 03:07  | Reason: Not specified

Dave

User
Posted 16 Dec 2023 at 13:35

Thanks Adrian so good to know I'm not alone with this dilemma, much appreciated.

User
Posted 16 Dec 2023 at 16:53

Hi Namesake,😊

At first I was reluctant to tell anyone about my cancer, then I joined my local Maggies Cancer Support Group which really helped me open up and come to terms with this disease. Now I just tell anyone, if it can make just one more man(or their partner encourage the man) to get tested then it’s for the good, There is so much publicity about PCa at the moment I think it’s important that we also spread the word. Be prepared for the…

I know so and so and he had PCa and he’s fine
You're looking so well.

comments but just smile or laugh them off!

All the best moving forward,

Derek

User
Posted 17 Dec 2023 at 13:10

I tell all my friends, and remind them about testing... 

User
Posted 17 Dec 2023 at 13:26

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I know so and so and he had PCa and he’s fine
You're looking so well.

It's infuriating. Everyone seems to know someone who's 'had it', sailed through it and could still sh*g for England. 😄

I tell them to ask Bill Turnbull and Bob Willis, (God bless 'em), what a doddle it is to deal with.

Edited by member 17 Dec 2023 at 13:27  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 17 Dec 2023 at 17:02

I thought about this, and even had a chat with a Macmillan nurse about it.

I didn't want to lose friends which I'd heard happen with some people, so I needed to work out how to do it such that I didn't make anyone uncomfortable. That meant I had to be comfortable with it, so it wasn't something I was going to do at the outset. Both my parents were still alive too, and I was a carer for mum. In some ways, I preferred not to have to tell them, but I had no choice as I might be unavailable for periods during treatment. I knew that eventually I wanted to be open about it, but I wasn't ready to do that just yet.

So initially, I told no one. My diagnosis took 6 months (I knew I had cancer quite quickly, but not the staging or if I was eligible for a curative treatment for some time). I didn't need (or want) the support of anyone else during that period, and I couldn't see the point of saying "I've got cancer and I don't know if it will kill me or not". So I waited until I had a full diagnosis and prognosis before telling my parents, and a small number of friends. This probably isn't the case for most people, particularly if you have a partner when you'll want the support of each other.

I found I need to have some emotional reserve when I told someone, because it's even more of a sudden shock to them than it probably was for you, and you need to be able to support them. In the early days, I had just about enough emotional reserve to keep myself in one piece, but not to support someone else too. By the time I was starting to tell other people, I was more comfortable with it and had the emotional reserve to support them. Also by then, I'd learned more about the disease and my situation, which meant I could answer most questions they might have.

I decided to wait until after my radiotherapy to tell all my friends and put it on facebook. I figured it was likely to be easier to handle if people knew I'd already been treated. As far as I know, I haven't lost any friends through this, although I did suspect a couple might have struggled with what to say. On the other hand, I've picked up loads of friends I wouldn't have had otherwise.

User
Posted 20 Dec 2023 at 14:35

Andy I totally understand where you are coming from hence my dilemma. The delay between diagnosis and treatment seems huge, I understand why but it doesn’t make it any easier.

As things stage I don’t know the stage I’m at or what treatment may be coming but in the end I decided to tell a few friends. My reasoning was that whatever the outcome for me it is vital that I encourage more people to test.

 
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