Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life

User

Posted 30 Mar 2015 at 17:28

Thanks Lyn,

Steve.

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 15:44

Hi Steve,

It would not be natural in your situation to have no emotions or "bucket list" desires. The fact that many of yours are about seeing your family get older just shows what a caring person you are.

As for wanting time, I share that one too but count myself lucky that I was not a passenger in that awful plane crash last week as I still have today and all the wonderful things that are around me.

If you read back your thread from start to finish you will see what you have had to endure but you are still here and are loved by many, some more because of what you are going through. You are stronger and more emotionally balanced than you realise.

Take care Steve, have a great day.

Kev

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 18:45

Thanks, Kev.

Hope everything's going well with the marathon training. I was really disappointed that the cardiac consultant didn't share my enthusiasm for the idea of me running a half marathon, so I will do it anyway. I'm fed up of being told what I can't do.

Steve

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 19:44

Now, I have tolerated a lot of silliness on here over the years but you have simply gone too far this time. Ignore the cardiologist and do it anyway???? You had better think again, my friend. If necessary, I will contact the organisers or perhaps even your wife again!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 20:49

Lyn is so right Steve.

I may be running 60 miles a week still but that is because I was fit on dx and have no Heath issues apart from PC. Just go walking, it is really good for you and in due course if the heart man is happy with progress then consider running short distances amongst the walking BUT only when he says ok.

Read your thread again my friend, do you want to go back to where you were or worse!

Take care, Kev

Edited by member 31 Mar 2015 at 20:50 | Reason: Not specified

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 21:12

Hi Lyn,

Sorry, this is my reaction to a rotten, stressful day. I feel like kicking something at the moment, if I could find something I didn't mind damaging. I can't really explain but I'm sure we all have days like this sometimes.

In reality, I certainly wouldn't run the half marathon unless I was well prepared and someone from cardiology thought it was ok. I'm already walking up to nine miles some days and as the consultant said, I completed a very good treadmill test a week ago with no effect on my heart. It was even suggested to me that I should consider run one lamp post, walk one lamp post, by one of the doctors. The consultant also said that my heart was basically in good condition though slightly weaker than to prior to the heart attack. She told me the recent problems I've had are probably due to the combination of medications I've having to take. That's one reason why they are changing them so often.

So, not to worry, I have no intention of self inflicting a premature end to my life.

Steve

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 21:47

Quote "So, not to worry, I have no intention of self inflicting a premature end to my life"

Well, you'd be a silly fool if you did, and one thing you aren't is .....................................

A silly fool!!!!

There is still much to look forward to, life with your wife, your grandchild, your children etc

None of us knows exactly when we will cease to be, unless we make that personal choice of course.
We should ALL, irrespective of cancer or ill health, be living each day as if it was our last. We won't, of course, because we are all human.

We all have difficult days when we feel like kicking something (or someone!)

Go into the garden and chuck a few old plates and glasses !

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 22:43

I was thinking rather more pragmatically. I was thinking that if you ran a half marathon against medical advice, and then keeled over half way round, the life insurance probably wouldn't pay out and your wife would be REALLY pi&&ed off with you 😡

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 22:51

Hi Lyn,

It's a long time since I could afford life insurance. I've had no disposable income since the recession kicked in.

Steve

User

Posted 31 Mar 2015 at 23:45

Steve

I am sure you have responded to Lyn with the first thing that came into your head and I know that you are feeling low, but I am sure this was meant to make you smile. It made me chuckle as it reminded me of an occasion when the cardiology nurse that did an aortic scan on Mick a few months after his diagnosis told him that with a heart like his he would live to be 100 .. that made him laugh even though he felt terrible he actually joked with her and said she should get that message to his oncologist!!

more seriously Have you checked with your mortgage provider as they normally insist on you having life cover for the principle element of the mortgage as a minimum. The insurance company usually have to advise them if payments are being missed or if there is any reason they might want to stop cover. Just a thought

User

Posted 01 Apr 2015 at 06:58

Phew Steve! Your honesty in how you feel is something else. You're doing well with the distances you are walking, and there's less pressure on the knees and hips by walking. Talking of throwing things can anyone remember the Harry H Corbett film - I think it was Rattle of A Simple Man - in it he had a job throwing bottles at a wall to break them For recycling? Seems a strangely satisfying way of reducing stress!!

Take care of yourself Steve,

Arthur

Edited by member 01 Apr 2015 at 16:53 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 23:27

Hi,

Worked all day for a newspaper today. Seemed to go ok but I feel totally exhausted. Just faced with all the processing on computer now and captioning but I'll probably do that in the morning.

Tiredness is causing me real problems.

Steve

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 00:30

Well done Steve in getting back to work.. Hopefully your exhaustion will reduce soon. Rest when you can . Georgina

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 01:17

You must have life insurance Steve - you wouldn't have been able to get a mortgage without!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 07:52

Well done on achieving a day's work. Hope you're able to concentrate on the processing today after a good night's sleep.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 05 Apr 2015 at 11:42

Your situation is so painful, Steve; that sense of isolation from the family coupled with the fear of financial distress is all too real. We're in a similar boat: I have a disabling condition, Gray is the only wage-earner and is self-employed. We just about make out week to week, and were just getting on our feet when this diagnosis hit us. The fear of financial collapse, how will we pay the mortgage, what will happen if Gray can''t get back to work, what if the work dries up because he needs to take it easier for a time and another freelancer muscles in, how the hell am I going to be able to work and what the hell can I do - all too real and very frightening.

Everyone has said to me on here that knowledge is power - particularly against fear and as I read your blog it has made me wonder; could knowledge about the financial 'what if's' be something that would be useful? Can people in a similar boat to us get decent, independent financial advice without having to spend too much of what might be a dwindling resource? About best-to-worst case scenarios? What do you think - might that help mitigate the fear and give some control back?

For example where can income support be gained whilst moving through this phase of recovery, how the family might help, get jobs, a holiday from the mortgage ... I don't know your situation so I'm only trying to generate some ideas, but to feel so lethargic and then add financial fears to that is truly debilitating. Maybe some plain old practical advice would be beneficial.

Is there anywhere we can go for such advice? Do Macmillan do it? CAB? Is there anywhere on this site that I have not yet found that offers pointers?

Keep faith in the fact that your body is still fighting, still healing and that your spirit, no matter how battered, still wants to 'sod it' and run a half marathon. Walking 9 miles a day? Are you KIDDING me?

Steph.

User

Posted 05 Apr 2015 at 20:34

Hi Steph ,just a quick reply . Inform your mortgage lender before you hit problems- you may be able to extend the term, take a mortgage holiday, or claim on critical illness policy. You can get info from Cab and Macmillan..You may also be eligible for benefit . It is important when claiming to put forward the worst scenario ,without lying. The government site can also be helpful as can social workers , especially as you have a medical problem yourself. You are right, knowledge is power so although this may sound patronising, it is meant with good intention to help you take control. Best wishes,El.

User

Posted 05 Apr 2015 at 23:11

Not patronising at all - really helpful, thank you El. Sorry if I muscled in on your posts, Steve.

User

Posted 05 Apr 2015 at 23:24

Steph,

No problem. All information is useful, wherever it appears.

Steve

User

Posted 07 Apr 2015 at 10:12

Hi,

Had my latest hormone (Zoladex) implant this morning. As I drove home I noticed a two inch patch of blood appear on the front of my white shirt. By the time I got home it had dripped onto my trousers and the kitchen floor. At least it proves that my heart meds are working now (anti platelet, blood thinning etc). Problem is now that once I start bleeding anywhere it can take a while to stop it.

Fortunately, the blood has stopped now. At least I'm getting used to having needles in my stomach (I had six while in hospital recently).

Steve

Edited by member 07 Apr 2015 at 13:09 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 07 Apr 2015 at 18:48

You won't be wearing a white shirt next time, I bet! Seriously, it's a problem with many medical treatments. One problem gets sorted leaving an issue elsewhere!

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 10 Apr 2015 at 02:17

Hi,

In a couple of hours time, it will be twenty weeks since another uncertainty entered my life and I began another journey. I had my heart attack at 4.30am in the early hours of November 21st. and as they say, life will never be the same again. I didn't expect to have to say that twice in the same year as I'd thought that when I'd been diagnosed with PCa in June.

Oh well. That's life.

Steve

User

Posted 10 Apr 2015 at 06:40

Hi Steve

think you are feeling down again

Edited by member 18 Apr 2015 at 09:38 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 10 Apr 2015 at 07:03

20 weeks of your body fighting to stay alive, 20 times more healing, 20 times better and better. Here's to the next 20 - 20 times more healed, 20 times further away from the frights, 20 times more able to cope, 20 times fewer injections, 20 times more able to see a future ...
x

User

Posted 10 Apr 2015 at 07:17

Hi Carol,

No, I'm fine, just too much time to think at the moment. Also yesterday I did some work for the newspaper I was working for just hours before my heart attack, so it reminded me of the significance of that. I can't believe it's been that long when I was telling everyone I was only going to be off work for a short time. I think I totally underestimated the seriousness of the situation at that time.

I am back working but there is so little around that it is giving me a very gentle reintroduction into the job I love doing but I'm amazed how exhausting I find it. I suppose one advantage of the very limited work is that I still qualify for the benefit I'm on which helps just now.

So, Carol, I am very grateful about my situation and feel really lucky that whatever life throws at me, it hasn't finished me off yet.

Steve

Edited by member 10 Apr 2015 at 07:24 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 10 Apr 2015 at 07:19

Thanks, Steph.

Steve x

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 02:27

Hi,

Well, the day had to come. Today, I begin work again, 21 weeks after having my heart attack in the early hours of Friday, 21st November.

In the last month, I have been allowed to do very limited work, so long as I don't earn over £104 per week. But now I will be back working normally, and my benefits stop immediately. A scary thought, no income until someone decides to pay my invoices.

My first job is this evening, at the top of the BT Tower (formally known as the Post Office Tower), so an interesting location. Tomorrow (Sat) I'm working a shift for a newspaper and on Wednesday I've a major graduation & award ceremony to cover. So some work to keep me going this week but there needs to be more for me to pay my bills.

The hospital's cardiac department rang me this week to cancel my stress echocardiogram test which I was due to have later this month and to rearrange it for 21st May. I should have had this while I was in hospital last month so a two month delay seems a little long to wait. Once that is out of the way, if it shows that my heart is reacting well when it's put under maximum stress then I feel nothing will stop me doing what I really want to.

As I write this, I'm apprehensive about what the future holds for me. I hope I can cope with the fatigue I feel so often. I hope that I can cope with the stress that I'm under. I worry about not having the confidence to handle work that I used to.

Am I the only one who has felt this way after returning to work after an illness? I should be looking forward to it. Last year, I used to say I never wanted to retire because I loved what I was doing so much. Now I feel so different, all I want to do is be with my family.

Steve

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 04:30

Hi Steve, you are now exactly ( well hopefully without the heart issues) where I will be in 3 months. I can't offer you any advice other than like you I used to love work and now ( apart from the need for income) I find it so far down the priority list. Hopefully something will happen at work that gives you the buzz again and perhaps having that distraction may be a great thing too. I wish you well Steve but like me you need to be asleep after midnight!!!! Kev

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 05:22

morning steve

just been reading some your posts, it must be tough going am only just setting off on my journey and finding the nights are very long, dont have the extra worry of working for myself the job I am in pays 6months full sick pay if I need it

not got a clue what the future holds but am trying to keep hold of what I know is in front of me, have the london marathon a week on sunday are you covering it for anyone, at least I am aware of someone I can ask re taking photos, am a canon man myself proper amatuer, like to try and take pics of wildlife, also hopeing to visit our grandkids in canada this year.

I keep reading lots of other peoples posts, still trying to get a good grip on what is happening, but the one thing I have realised is that I am not the only one, and no matter how harddone by or bad I may feel others are suffering as much if not more.

but this is a great place to come and air your concerns and worries, and people will offer help and support

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 06:15

Morning Steve,

I can understand your anxiety about returning to work. Entirely natural feelings.

Hopefully your return to snapping will be like riding a bike, you never forget and before you know it you will be ordering people about and arranging them and objects to compose the best picture.

Hope it is a clear day when you are up the Tower? Good luck.

dave

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 06:49

Hello Steve,

It's good news that one you are able to go back to work and that you have some work. Hopefully you will ease yourself in after all you've been through and more work we result as you network again etc. and income will flow.

If they're moving back the date for your echocardiogram that sounds like good news that it's not required asap.

I had taken early retirement then this PCa caught up with me and I felt that I had wasted my retirement as I didn't go out and do all sorts of things I thought I would or should. I worked for a major defence company and after all the stresses and strains all I wanted to do was sit quietly for a while, I'm still here today even if people who saw me in hospital said afterwards they didn't think I was going to come out! You're still here today Steve, do what you can if you can't just take one thing at a time and at a pace you can manage. My wife is disabled so what we do is - I do what she can't and she does what I can't. Sharing the load helps. We all have the same 24 hours in a day it's what we do with it that matters but we still have to keep the wolf from the door.

Sorry if I've rambled on, it's about you Steve not me but I'm hoping you will get through this early phase of going back to work versus family and things will balance out for you.

You're an encouragement to us all with all you've come through, sometimes when I don't get something it feels that I have to go round the mountain again, let's hope that you're on the other side of the mountain and don't have to go round it again.

Blessings, Arthur

Edited by member 17 Apr 2015 at 15:09 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 09:04

Steve good morning

so glad you are bck to work, it will seem strange but what a great place to start up in the old PO tower, I remember it used to be a terrific view up there on a clear day. Not quite as spectacular as the Gherkin or the London Eye but still magical in its day. I will tell you a tale about me and heights at Leicester!!

The work will come in I am sure especially as you grow in confidence at your ability to deal with it.

Looking forward to seeing some new photos from you.

Good luck after all you have been through you so deserve a better run of it

Best wishes

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 09:14

Good luck, Steve. Wishing you all the best.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 09:14

Good luck with this new beginning to your life Steve.

You are a professional photographer. Those skills will not have left you at all. I bet you often look at something and plan in your mind how you would take that shot.

I assume you got your work through contacts and they wouldn't have given you work if they didn't think you were good enough to do it.

Tiredness you will just have to work round and accept for a while. Part of that tiredness may well be the stress of wondering if you are up to the job.

You are, you know it in your heart so go and do it. You'll be brilliant

Good luck and all the best

Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 09:41

Hi Steve

Just wanted to say good luck for today, but somehow I don't think you will need it, with all you have gone through you have proven to be a survivor, so today will be a doddle compared to everything else. One bit of advice I would give you is don't overdo it, ease yourself into working again and overall, achieve a good work/ life balance which I think you now know is important, as money is nice but quality time with the family is nicer.

All the best

Roy

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 13:19

Steve

All the best with your return to working.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 13:59

Hi Steve,

Inevitable you feel ambivalent about returning to work, you will have lost confidence and impetus with your health issues and recent uncertainty ! Try to take it easy and just do what is feasible and confidence will likely return or there will be solutions to some of the concerns you have mentioned. I remember how long it took me to get familiar with work again after months off following my Dad's death years ago, my heart wasn't in it for a long time ! I am thinking of you ! I love photography, mainly of my dogs, huge satisfaction to be gained getting a really good picture !

Fiona. x

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 14:56

Good luck with your return to work Steve. I know what you mean about losing your confidence. I have reduced my working days from full time work to two days and I get nervous the first day I return. It soon becomes too familiar once I am there lol. Cheers Georgina

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 14:57

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 15:08

Thanks for all your messages.

Great start to trying to get back to work again today. I've just been stopped by the police because apparently my MOT has run out last month. I thought it was due in May rather than March. I've just had too much on my mind recently. It ran out while I was in hospital. So now I have to pay a £100 fine, really helpful when I face zero income over the next four or five weeks.

Life stinks sometimes.

Steve

Edited by member 17 Apr 2015 at 15:09 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 23:45

Steve,

Bad news Steve, but, at least you earned something to cover the fine or penalty. Could have been just on an errand with no pay coming in?

Maybe take this opportunity to review all your paperwork, insurances, etc?

In the BSOT life for you is actually getting better all the time.

You will overcome Steve, crack on.

dave

User

Posted 17 Apr 2015 at 23:48

Something else you could do without, particularly in present financial situation. Might be worth writing to DVLA to see whether being hospitalized at the renewal time and associated stress could be taken in mitigation and fine be cancelled.

Hope you get steady supply of work but don't overdo it. You must put your health first even if for a time you have to be very frugal.

Barry

User

Posted 18 Apr 2015 at 01:14

I agree with Barry about your fine Steve. Write a letter outlining your issues and surely some compassion will be shown. I don't know the system in UK but this would very likely succeed in Australia . You could certainly do without this. I was fined $295 the day after Erwell came out of hospital for speeding in an 80 zone when I was sure I was still in the 100 zone. I had no excuses and could not bring myself to add to Erwell's stress so I did not tell him and paid up from my credit card.. Hope things improve for you Steve. Good to see you back in the usual humdrum of life .. Cheers Georgina

User

Posted 18 Apr 2015 at 07:48

Definitely write and explain - you may be let off with a warning. Clearly this is the last thing you need at the moment.

Alternatively, can you pay £10 pm in installments? Try anything to ease the financial pain.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 18 Apr 2015 at 08:26

Steve,

Linked to your MOT, have you paid your Road Tax? I assume that is OK otherwise the police check would have picked that up as well as your MOT. Remember that that the Road Tax arrangements have changed and there is now no Tax Disc.

I hope your continue to improve and put all of this behind you.

Alan

User

Posted 18 Apr 2015 at 17:49

I hope your continue to improve and put all of this behind you. But agree with you that cancer is the emperor of all maladies and sometime cure for cancer is impossible :((

Edited by moderator 18 Apr 2015 at 22:04 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 18 Apr 2015 at 19:43

Often if I click on the 'time' of last post on this thread I am directed to a list of websites?

User

Posted 18 Apr 2015 at 20:04

Alison,

It seems to happen when the number of messages reach around the 50, 100, 150 posts etc. It corrects itself when it gets a few messages beyond that point.

Steve

User

Posted 19 Apr 2015 at 14:16

Hi,

The downside of being back working: fatigue, endless hours processing and stress.

Steve

User

Posted 19 Apr 2015 at 18:39

But there is an UPSIDE

you ARE alive

you ARE getting better.

you ARE earning

Be thankful, or if not thankful, at least appreciate how far you have progressed.

atb

dave

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