Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life

User

Posted 14 Mar 2015 at 19:23

Just posting to send regards and love.

As others have posted, sometimes it is a good idea to really open up, there are lots of caring supportive people out there and there must be sources of help and advice for you. With regard to you saying you felt there was less energy in the family for you, I remember feeling so very negative about my partner many times. I loved him to bits it's just that I was so tired ! It's easy to see everything negatively if you are in a difficult place, your emotions are bound to be skewed by what is happening to you. Remember, so many on the forum are with you in spirit and care greatly about your situation !

Fiona. x

User

Posted 14 Mar 2015 at 19:25

Rooting for you Steve, get better and get some help my friend xxxx

User

Posted 14 Mar 2015 at 20:03

Hi Steve,

You are in the best place to get help. Make sure you tell them everything that is going on.

atb

dave

User

Posted 14 Mar 2015 at 20:15

Hi,

Thanks for the messages.

Admitted into the Acute Care Ward now. Seems everyone has decided to get ill on the same day.

Started to get really bad chest pains just after 11am which didn't go away. Ambulance took me into a very crowded A&E to carry out the usual tests. They couldn't decide if it was another heart attack but are treating it as if it is. The Cardiac Care Unit beds are full so having to spend the night in the Acute Ward instead. They won't get the important test results back until tomorrow when I'll either be kicked out or transferred to the Cardiac Unit, if there's space.

I hope they can sort things out. I just feel a little fed up of things not getting better.

Steve

User

Posted 14 Mar 2015 at 21:55

Phew - relieved to hear it might 'only' be a heart attack!!! From the wording of your last post, I thought you had harmed yourself. Your poor wife will have gone home to a message from me on the answering machine!

Previous advice still stands - if you don't know how to explain how you are feeling, show someone medically trained your last few posts on here.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 14 Mar 2015 at 22:34

Hi Lyn,

Really sorry if it came out that way. A lot was going on around me at the time. I was lucky to post anything. I'll will try to be more careful next time.

When I saw how much worry it created, I reread my message and realised how it might have sounded. Tried to post a bit more info as soon as I could but it was a bit difficult.

Don't worry, I'm sure.things will be sorted.

Steve x

User

Posted 14 Mar 2015 at 22:52

Hi Steve really hope you get some good news from your tests all the best Andy

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 00:24

Nothing to apologise for Steve ..... and look how good we all are at caring about each other! Ah, some day we will all look back at this and laugh :-E

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 07:46

Morning Steve,
Hope you had peaceful night with not too many disturbances. Thinking of you today, and hope your results are ok and you get to go home. Hopefully you have found someone good to explain how you have been feeling lately, so that you can get some support and reassurance.
Go steady and take things easy,
Miss x

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 09:14

Hi Steve,

It's ok to have people worry about you, honest !!

Fiona. x

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 09:26

Steve.

Thinking of you , I know it is easier to say than do, but stay positive.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 09:30

Hi ,

Woke up at about 4am. By 5am I had chest pains again. Had another ECG which was fairly normal. In November my ECG was also fairly normal in spite of the heart attack.

Was given medications which reduced the pains. By 7am the pain returned again. Yet another ECG which again looked fairly normal. More medications including a needle in the stomach. That worked in greatly reducing the pain. It's now gone.

I'm really not sure what's going to happen. If it's not my heart, I want to know what it is. They should have the results of my troponin test this morning. The normal level is less than 14. In November my level was 1018 which is when they decided I just possibly might have had a heart attack (I think I could worked that out).

Anyway, should know more by lunchtime.

Steve

Edited by member 15 Mar 2015 at 13:46 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 09:46

Hi Fiona,

I think I've worried enough for everyone.

Steve x

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 10:37

Steve

how strange that your ECGs are normal have the doctors got a theory on why that might be? Have you had a recording monitor fitted that you wear for 24 - 48 hours the data from it is then downloaded and analysed it is much more accuarate than the snapshot of an ECG.

Just a thought

It is impossible for you not to worry but please do seek some help from the staff at the hospital, ask if you can have a chat with a Macmillan nurse while you are there Most hospitals have them in residence and you may get some more specific help that way.

Bri if you are reading your PM box is full so I cannot reply to your message

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 11:26

Hi Mo,

It is strange about the ECGs. I mentioned my 24hr monitor several times since being here that I'm supposed to be getting one but no progress it that direction yet. I think it would answer a lot of questions.

I just need someone to find a reason for what's happening to my heart even if it's not a heart attack (which I hope it isn't). The way I felt yesterday morning (and this morning) I can't cope with that happening too often because I wasn't capable of doing anything and the pain was pretty bad. I couldn't stand without support, I still can't, I've not been able to leave my hospital bed without a nurse holding my arm.

In terms of my full inbox problems, I tried moving my messages into the archive, thinking it would clear things, but it didn't. I didn't want to delete my messages but is that the only way?

Anyway, I'll update when I know more.

Steve x

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 12:48

Steve, if it eased with an injection, is it perhaps angina? Hope so as I have friends who find life perfectly manageable once they have the little lozenges you put under your tongue at the first sign of an attack.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 13:21

Hi Steve,

Lets hope that you hear some news soon on the Trop test, ECG are not really the best way to determine what is going on as they only give a yay or nay for that moment in time. Trevor has had several "normal " ECG readings with very abnormal Trop test results.

The injection in your tummy is a blood thinner so I am thinking maybe another blockage somewhere as the pain eased when this was given.

Do you have a GTN spray ? this really helps with Angina pain as it widens the arteries much as an inhaler works in Asthmatics.

This can't be helping with your stress levels. We are all rooting for you.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 13:44

Hi Julie,

I had four sprays of my GTN during the episode at 5am. It did help a bit.

My early results from my first troponin test was 18. I've had three so far. The last was at 11am today. I asked about the one last night and they said it was 16 so the signs are that I haven't had a heart attack. Which is good news because I didn't want to think that I was that vulnerable to an attack.

Only thing is it leaves the mystery of why the pains. It makes me seem an idiot for wasting everyone's time. Still if the cardiologist has an opinion of what might have caused things to happen, that might useful information.

I'll post when I find anything out.

Steve x

Edited by member 15 Mar 2015 at 19:43 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 14:10

You are not wasting anyone's time Steve, that is what they are there for and clearly there is a problem . Your Trop tests are not in normal range . I hope that you get some answers today. My friend has just had the new CT Angiogram done it is apparently the way forward and much less invasive than the old way but guess what she has too wait two weeks for the results , apparently it takes that long for the secretary to type the letter.http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-yell.gif

Stay strong, it will get sorted.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 16:08

Hi teve,

Glad that you are able to communicate, that will help pass the time. One thing to consider, with al the pressure on hospital bed space at the moment, if there was not a clinical need for you to be there, you would not be there.

So, relax, let the experts find what is wrong, and sort you out.

atb

dave

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 18:22

I am so sorry you have all these problems. I am new to this thread but there are a few options I would like to offer. Please forgive me if you already know of these.

Macmillan offer grants which can help through tough times. Also have you heard of PIP, there are special rules for terminally I'll people and it is not means tested.

Macmillan nurses are great at helping people get what they are entitled to. If you want any further info let me know.

As others have said talk to your doctor there are things out there to help and we all need that sometimes.

Love to you xx

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 18:47

Steve,

I have been catching up on this thread which has moved fast in the last 24 hours. Nothing much to add other than to say you are in the right place whilst they find a solution and try and relax whilst you are there. The wider problems won't go away but can wait and I agree with others that it seems a good option to take some professional advice on how you feel. We are here for you but take all the professional help you can get. Thinking of you!

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 19:55

Hi,

I've now been transferred to a different ward because the cardiac consultant didn't have time to review my results today. So basically, I'm spending another night in hospital to wait to see the consultant tomorrow.

I hope the wait is worthwhile and it answers a few questions.

Thanks everyone for all your messages.

Steve

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 19:56

Dear Steve

Whilst you are in hospital, it might be a good time to raise the point about how low you have been feeling.

They might be able to refer you to the right person to speak to.

Please let someone know.

Lyn's idea of showing these threads was an excellent one and will make it easier for you to explain. You wont have to say much.

Please consider it and get the help that you need.

Does your wife know how you have been feeling? Could she raise the point for you?

Thinking of you.

Alison x

ps Looks like we were posting at the same time. I know it is awful being kept in, but best to get to the bottom of this once and for all. xxx

Edited by member 15 Mar 2015 at 19:58 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 20:19

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I am so sorry you have all these problems. I am new to this thread but there are a few options I would like to offer. Please forgive me if you already know of these.

Ooo-er! Not that we think you are terminally ill, Steve! You will get better and get back to work eventually so perhaps organisations like BHF have similar grants for people who just need a helping hand?

Try to get some sleep - more sleeping time, less time to think and get stressed x

Edited by member 15 Mar 2015 at 20:22 | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 20:27

Thanks, Alison.

I didn't mind staying an extra night really. I have been in quite a lot of pain today. I think I pulled a muscle this morning when I reacted to the chest pains I was suffering. Now I'm suffering every time I try to move, it's agony.

I've already spoken to my cardiac rehab nurse last Thursday about what I was going through and she feels I should contact the excellent. " Talking Therapy" service in our area. I will do that. I think it is probably easier than trying to sort this out while I'm trying to sort out the heart problems. I think they would just refer me to the same service anyway.

Steve x

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 20:41

Hi Lyn,

Not planning to go just yet even though my rushed post when arriving at hospital yesterday may have suggested otherwise. A very kind post by Joy anyway.

It's difficult to keep track of people's diagnosis sometimes, especially when mine seems to change weekly. If it was written as a soap opera script it would probably be discounted as being too unlikely.

Anyway, thanks to you and everyone here, I'm feeling a bit more positive now, if I find out solutions to my heart problems tomorrow.

Steve x

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 21:23

Hi Steve,
Hope you get some sleep and rest tonight, and then some answers tomorrow. The 'Talking Therapy' sounds like a step in the right direction and I'm sure will offer you some relief. I'm glad you feel ok about staying in another night, tomorrow is another day .....
Take it easy,
Miss x

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 21:31

best place to be at this time.

I read you had taken your spray 5 times if you have to take a third its 999

Edited by member 18 Apr 2015 at 09:35 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 15 Mar 2015 at 22:30

Hi Carol,

Thanks for your message.

I think I get depressed because I have so much to cope with but it reaches the point where you reach saturation point and it becomes too much for one person to handle.

I was and to a certain point am, a very positive person but the events of the last nine months have worn me down.

I think I have been very supportive to my wife while crying out inside for help from others, which I have found on this site. She has tried and has been very supportive, but she has relied on me for most things.

She's a beautiful person and doesn't deserve to be going through this.

I often pretend to be happy when around people. I don't have to pretend to be sad as that is how I feel at times.

During my work as a press photographer it was not easy sometimes which is why I escaped the world of newspapers to work in PR for many years. I fully understand the concept of post traumatic stress and feel I was affected by some of the experiences I had to live through.

I do feel the talking therapy will help me , certainly as a starting point because I feel writing helps me, it just that when I hit rock bottom, I don't feel much like writing. Talking, I feel, would be easier, it's just that the right people are not always there when you really need them.

I have learned that the most important thing in life isn't money or processions but life itself and being with the ones you love.

Steve

Edited by member 17 Mar 2015 at 23:23 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 09:17

A lovely heartfelt piece of writing Steve. You talked about your wife at Newark and it feels as if that issue remains alive. Yet sometimes you have to be selfish and sort yourself out first. If your wife cannot give you the support you need seek it elsewhere so you can eventually be strong for her too. You feel zapped of energy and you are not used to the inactivity. It would help to talk this through and seeking professional help is a starting point. Although we can listen and this site is supportive sometimes that is not enough to get on top of some of the feelings the events of the last nine months have generated for you.

Hoping to hear better news of your heart problems this week and that you have sought some help. You will get there eventually but now is not the time to go inward and try and do it yourself, take your problems to someone who can help.

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 09:47

Hi Steve

I thought of something yesterday when reading your posts and when you said you had pulled a muscle it reminded me again. Derek Redmond was running the 400M in the 1992 Olympics at Barcelona when he pulled a hamstring, you may remember it? He continued in spite of this and his dad plus the crowd cheering him on helped him over the line. There's lots of clips of this on YouTube.

Steve we're all here to "cheer you on and get you over the line!"

Best wishes, Arthur

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 12:28

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I have learned that the most important thing in life isn't money or processions but life itself and being with the ones you love.

Steve

Hi Steve

I think the above statement sum it all up, you have now taken your first step into putting this downward spiral in reverse and the only way is up mate.So let the Specialists do their job, and allow yourself time to concentrate on those important things you have identified.

All the best

Roy

Edited by member 16 Mar 2015 at 12:32 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 13:20

Only trying to help

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 13:34

Steve

good afternoon, I hope you have had a better start to this week.

I like your last post it shows that you are starting to put the pieces together and as Roy highlighted your closing statement encourages me to think that you are on the right track.

I think you are ready to hear somethings from me. I am not very good at saying things in a conversation or face to face with a person so I use writing as my means of getting my feelings out there.

I am sure you will have done the same with photography.

I have rather unkowingly struggled just recently not so much from grief but from issues that go back a very long way. I could not see this but I was encouraged by a really good friend who could see it to find someone that I could talk to, I decided to give that a try and have sarted talking with a pastoral care specialist at work. I know her well enough to feel comfortable but not so well that I feel intimidated or embarrassed telling her very personal things. She now knows that I write when I am troubled so she has encouraged me to share some of my recent writing with her. Maybe you could try something similar you clearly enjoy writing and it is a great way to "spill" you don't have to share what you write but if you need to you can.

I admit I have had times recently when I began to wonder how you as one person could have so many things going wrong and I am so sorry that I thought that way. I just want you to know that I cannot help you in any other way than to be here for you and to let you know the depression you have is by no means unique or just yours.You are not alone.

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 16:27

Steve

noticed that you changed your reply to me about your wife.

Edited by member 18 Apr 2015 at 09:18 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 16:48

Hi Joy,

I really appreciate your message to me. You gave me some really good advice. Thank you.

I think it's a really good idea to apply for a Macmillan Grant because I feel I am in great need considering my recent circumstances. It would help a lot.

I did recently had a very useful conversation on the phone with a Macmillan nurse and she was very helpful.

Don't worry about the slight mistake about my condition being "terminal ". I didn't mind. It was a very easy mistake considering the number of people on this site.

I look forward to you posting again soon.

Please keep in touch.

Steve x

Edited by member 16 Mar 2015 at 16:50 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 17:30

Hi Steve,

You are not alone, but maybe now is the time for you to start talking to your wife openly and totally honestly about your health and situation? Having to lie to her about meeting up with the group at Newark is a terrible position to be in.

You may feel as though you are protecting her from whatever, but the sooner she knows how bad things are, the sooner she can start to come to terms with the issues that you are facing, and she will have to deal with. Just a thought?

Hope all is going well in the hospital for you? Is she able to visit you at all?

dave

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 17:49

Hi Titanic,

I think it's worthwhile making the point that I have always thought I was really fortunate compared many people in the world and in this country. I count my blessings.

During my career I have witnessed many awful things and met people having to cope with terrible circumstances. I've had to do pictures of parents with children who have terminal illnesses who've never had chance of life. I remember one four year old who died a few hours after I left him. That hit me really hard.

So I do accept that there are many others who are much worse off than me.

I consider myself to be lucky that I have a cancer where I have a chance of a cure. The same with my heart attack. I was told if it had happened when I was on my travels, miles away anywhere, I would have died. So God was protecting me on that day.

If I'm destined to die from one of my illnesses I will not resent that happening because I will have tried everything I could to survive. I obviously would prefer to live as long as I could and would be heartbroken that I would have to leave my family, but I couldn't complain about the life I've lived. It's been wonderful, I have no complaints.

So I don't think you can you really judge a person unless you really know them. I might moan about my circumstances but I think everyone does from time to time, me probably more than most but it means I get it out of my system.

Steve

Edited by member 16 Mar 2015 at 18:13 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 18:38

Thank you for your reply Steve. Sorry I hadn't read your profile completely. I still think you should have a look at the PIP on the dwp site because you may be eligible due to your heart condition.

Fifteen years ago my hubby was dx with multiple sclerosis and luckily that didn't progress much, then just before Christmas my beautiful daughter was dx with it but again fingers crossed she has the same one as her dad. I also lost my mon last year to pancreatic cancer and now have my dad living with us. I am not a regular church person but I do believe. Many years ago when my daughter was a baby and very poorly the specialist said try to think we are sent these things to cope with because we are strong and others may not be able to cope with it we are chosen. I know that sounds strange but I took comfort from it at a bad time. For my part I think protecting your wife is admirable, but she may wish to share with you. Us women do like looking after our men, give her that opportunity.

Please stay strong and heed mo,s advice writing is therapeutic.

My hubby has just had his first cycle of Cabazataxel today so I will update my post soon.

Take care

Joy xxxx

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 19:04

Steve

the very insensitive post you are replying to seems to have been removed, so has my response to it. Not sure who by or how but probably it is for the best. I am not normally someone who bites when bait is dangled but that was really harsh and unnecessary not to mention misleading. If it helps I think it was actually just someone having a go at me. Not exactly something I need right now either.

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 19:05

Hi,

Just thought I better update my situation. Spending another night in hospital.

I saw the Cardiac consultant this morning. He gave me the good news that I didn't have another heart attack but they are going to check me out to see if they find out if my heart is performing as it should.

I had an intensive treadmill test which nearly finished me off. They gradually increased the intensity until I was running up quite a steep slope. Hadn't worked out like for months. They asked me to let them know if I was going to die because they wanted to stop me before I did because it would cause them too much paperwork if I did. Ended up very breathless and dizzy.

Then I was finally fitted with my 24hr portable heart monitor (first requested on February 13th) because it looked as though I could leave hospital this evening once the tests were out of the way. Hit a problem because the treadmill tests needed to be reviewed before the Echo Stress test was done. As it turns out, that test has been arranged for 4.10 tomorrow afternoon so that's how I've ended up here for another night.

The problem is now that my 24hr monitor will only take readings of me laying in bed and not when I'm doing my daily activities. So it's a bit of a waste of time. Disappointed about that.

Let you know more later.

Steve

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 19:21

Steve

I've taken my post off...didnt want to appear offensive or uncaring ....did try to send you a PM but your box is full up

last year I had my prostate op, my father inlaw was in care, we were paying the princely sum of £900 pw I had not worked for some two year previous I as had cardiac problems, I could no longer work at my business as I was so ill, it was a difficult time emotionally and financially, I had the grim reaper on my shoulder for a few years, hes now gone elsewhere, it never rains it pours springs to mind

on both occassions I was fortunate to get medical treatment and I've turned a corner, so dont give up hope they can do wonderful things now days, it may take a while for them to diagnose your cardiac issues and hopefully they can offer your treatment..hang in there and chin up

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 20:23

Hi Mo,

Thanks.

Steve x

User

Posted 16 Mar 2015 at 20:42

Hi Titanic,

Sorry, haven't cleared my inbox not easy just at the moment in hospital.

I know things I write sometimes when I'm tired end up sounding wrong when I read them later. I deleted quite a few when I've reread them.

I'm sorry you've experienced really difficult times in the past. I think you can only do your best to work through things and hope things improve.

Thank you for removing the post. I think it was the best thing to do. I know you have sent me some really supportive messages in the past. They've always been welcome.

Life's too short to fall out with anyone, especially those going through what we're going through.

Steve

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