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Slowly getting some groin function back

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User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 11:56

This is really about my mental health rather that any expectation of a sex life. Its been six years since I said goodbye to my prostate and its unwelcome lodger. As cancer was just about to exit the envelope I think the surgeon and his robot friend did their best but the nerves took a big hit. The NHS gave me a pump and Tadalfil 20mg then sent me on my merry way. I suffer from depression for the first time in my life which my GP on one of the few times I managed to see her face to face told me was due to the lack of hormones due to the operation. She said she could not give me hormones in case it restarted the cancer somewhere else. I carried on with the pump three times a week for four years and gave up on the Tadalfil due to headaches. The resultant effect was almost nothing as once the pump was removed my somewhat floppy friend soon went back to sleep. At the five year point I discoverd the rubber rings which were much better that the pump but you do need to do some gardening first and remove the longer hair. Now at the six year point I can acheive something useable but only to find my wife is not interested in sex at all. I love my wife but the situation just increases my depression and I have had to limit the number of evenings when I can have a beer or I will have a big 'drink' problem. I do find long fast walks in the country help my mental state but still find myself looking forward to Thursday night which is the first of my three drinking nights. Well it was nice to have a brain dump and write it down. I know I should be pleased the cancer did not kill me as it did my father and sisters (prosate for him and breast for my dear sisters). Well bye for now. M

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 20:25
Great opinions from all above. I’ve fought and fought to retain a love life from the day of my surgery 8 yrs ago. In honesty it has been very frustrating and yet satisfying at the same time , learning to adjust and adapt and adopt with a very loving understanding wife. As the OP says , I recovered from Surgery after 3 yrs only to find my wife in full menopause and not much interested. I put off the dreaded lifetime HT as I’m incurable now , but even then found I still had a libido and maybe more than my wife’s. But as Decho says we love and laugh and cuddle a lot and are still incredibly close. Quite regularly we still both hit the top through ways other than penetration. Do I miss full sex ??? Yes I still do , but love shines through and you have to move forwards , not look back. Best wishes to all x
User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 18:42

Spot on Gaz👍
There IS a (SEX) life during and after(hopefully🤞)  RT/HT. it’s just different, you need to experiment and find something that works for both of you. And have FUN!

Derek

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 11:56

This is really about my mental health rather that any expectation of a sex life. Its been six years since I said goodbye to my prostate and its unwelcome lodger. As cancer was just about to exit the envelope I think the surgeon and his robot friend did their best but the nerves took a big hit. The NHS gave me a pump and Tadalfil 20mg then sent me on my merry way. I suffer from depression for the first time in my life which my GP on one of the few times I managed to see her face to face told me was due to the lack of hormones due to the operation. She said she could not give me hormones in case it restarted the cancer somewhere else. I carried on with the pump three times a week for four years and gave up on the Tadalfil due to headaches. The resultant effect was almost nothing as once the pump was removed my somewhat floppy friend soon went back to sleep. At the five year point I discoverd the rubber rings which were much better that the pump but you do need to do some gardening first and remove the longer hair. Now at the six year point I can acheive something useable but only to find my wife is not interested in sex at all. I love my wife but the situation just increases my depression and I have had to limit the number of evenings when I can have a beer or I will have a big 'drink' problem. I do find long fast walks in the country help my mental state but still find myself looking forward to Thursday night which is the first of my three drinking nights. Well it was nice to have a brain dump and write it down. I know I should be pleased the cancer did not kill me as it did my father and sisters (prosate for him and breast for my dear sisters). Well bye for now. M

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 13:06

Hi Martin,

I sympathise with you…the emotional effect this can have on you can be devastating but talking about it can help enormously. I regularly promote Maggies on here, if you have one go along and speak them, maybe with your wife? You will find only empathy and support from their specialist counsellors and if you join one of their support groups you will also find many men going through exactly the same as you are.

It is indeed sad that now you’ve found your desire and function, your wife has now lost interest….maybe due to the menopause? I’m the opposite, I have ZERO libido but my wife still does. So I have NO interest in having sex,  But what I’ve found is that with a lot of kissing, cuddling and touching in sensitive areas I can get aroused even to the point of orgasm. It’s lovely when it happens and makes you feel so good about yourself. Obviously your situation is different in that the roles are reversed but don’t give up!

When I started HT my anxiety levels went through the roof and I simply couldn’t function at all…I was a total wreck! I had heard about Sertraline and went to my GP who prescribed a low dose, and after a few weeks it completely transformed my mood, and I can now deal much better with all he ups and downs that occur on this journey. Maggies and this forum have also helped enormously in the support I have been given.

So try and stay positive, be kind and good to both of you, and try and have as much fun as possible, it really does help.

All the best,

Derek

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 15:19

Hi Martin, I had a non nerve sparing RALP last September and suffered depression until quite recently. Like you my wife does not share my appetite for intimacy which can be upsetting and frustrating. I found support from my doctor was months away and had no support from my urologist; they just didn't want to know. The one thing that did help was talking to a professional offered by my work company. I never met the guy before and probably won't speak to him again but just offloading to him got me out of the rut I was in. There are people here who could give you much better advice and signposting than I can. (Maggies) What I would say is that you are not on your own, I am sure many men go through the same thing. Basically, I was grieving for something that I used to have and enjoy and I wasn't prepared for that. Getting over that is difficult and resetting your relationship is a challenge. Useing a pump takes a lot of the spontaneity out of something that just used to happen. Also, bear in mind the menopause for your wife could effect her feelings and desire for sex. I find that participating in sport (cycling) and social groups also helped my self esteem, certainly more than evenings in the pub would. Take care of yourself.

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 15:54

Still enjoy the intimacy off kissing and cuddling but soon realised that my sex life was all but over after the radiotherapy and hormone therapy but it has bought us closer and life goes on it's a horrible desease but at least I am still here and not too bad really is a blessing gaz 👍

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 20:33

Great post Chris we all need to move forward whatever happens 👍

User
Posted 15 Aug 2023 at 13:36
If you still have a libido then masturbation is still very possible even with a floppy willy. I found a great device that works with a non-erect penis and which vibrates a button right on the nerve - if you are mentally stimulated (I watch a video or two at the same time) then it can produce an extremely pleasurable orgasm - I prefer mine to the pre-surgery one (lot less messy for a start).

Although I still enjoy having fun with my wife when we are both in the mood, for those times when she isn't interested or I have managed to pee her off during the day (LOL) then this works.

I'll try and find the thread with the links - it wasn't expensive - about £25.

User
Posted 16 Aug 2023 at 10:28

This is the one I bought but apparently you can also find them on eBay.

I really enjoy mine for those quiet times when I am in the mood :)

Penis vibrator for a floppy willy

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User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 13:06

Hi Martin,

I sympathise with you…the emotional effect this can have on you can be devastating but talking about it can help enormously. I regularly promote Maggies on here, if you have one go along and speak them, maybe with your wife? You will find only empathy and support from their specialist counsellors and if you join one of their support groups you will also find many men going through exactly the same as you are.

It is indeed sad that now you’ve found your desire and function, your wife has now lost interest….maybe due to the menopause? I’m the opposite, I have ZERO libido but my wife still does. So I have NO interest in having sex,  But what I’ve found is that with a lot of kissing, cuddling and touching in sensitive areas I can get aroused even to the point of orgasm. It’s lovely when it happens and makes you feel so good about yourself. Obviously your situation is different in that the roles are reversed but don’t give up!

When I started HT my anxiety levels went through the roof and I simply couldn’t function at all…I was a total wreck! I had heard about Sertraline and went to my GP who prescribed a low dose, and after a few weeks it completely transformed my mood, and I can now deal much better with all he ups and downs that occur on this journey. Maggies and this forum have also helped enormously in the support I have been given.

So try and stay positive, be kind and good to both of you, and try and have as much fun as possible, it really does help.

All the best,

Derek

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 15:19

Hi Martin, I had a non nerve sparing RALP last September and suffered depression until quite recently. Like you my wife does not share my appetite for intimacy which can be upsetting and frustrating. I found support from my doctor was months away and had no support from my urologist; they just didn't want to know. The one thing that did help was talking to a professional offered by my work company. I never met the guy before and probably won't speak to him again but just offloading to him got me out of the rut I was in. There are people here who could give you much better advice and signposting than I can. (Maggies) What I would say is that you are not on your own, I am sure many men go through the same thing. Basically, I was grieving for something that I used to have and enjoy and I wasn't prepared for that. Getting over that is difficult and resetting your relationship is a challenge. Useing a pump takes a lot of the spontaneity out of something that just used to happen. Also, bear in mind the menopause for your wife could effect her feelings and desire for sex. I find that participating in sport (cycling) and social groups also helped my self esteem, certainly more than evenings in the pub would. Take care of yourself.

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 15:54

Still enjoy the intimacy off kissing and cuddling but soon realised that my sex life was all but over after the radiotherapy and hormone therapy but it has bought us closer and life goes on it's a horrible desease but at least I am still here and not too bad really is a blessing gaz 👍

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 18:42

Spot on Gaz👍
There IS a (SEX) life during and after(hopefully🤞)  RT/HT. it’s just different, you need to experiment and find something that works for both of you. And have FUN!

Derek

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 19:17

I do agree decho we do that but it's just not the same unfortunately but life goes on we do our best 👍

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 20:25
Great opinions from all above. I’ve fought and fought to retain a love life from the day of my surgery 8 yrs ago. In honesty it has been very frustrating and yet satisfying at the same time , learning to adjust and adapt and adopt with a very loving understanding wife. As the OP says , I recovered from Surgery after 3 yrs only to find my wife in full menopause and not much interested. I put off the dreaded lifetime HT as I’m incurable now , but even then found I still had a libido and maybe more than my wife’s. But as Decho says we love and laugh and cuddle a lot and are still incredibly close. Quite regularly we still both hit the top through ways other than penetration. Do I miss full sex ??? Yes I still do , but love shines through and you have to move forwards , not look back. Best wishes to all x
User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 20:33

Great post Chris we all need to move forward whatever happens 👍

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 21:17

Hi Martin55,

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation and predicament.  Has your G.P. not discussed (or offered) anti-depressants?  If not, may I suggest that you go back and ask?  You really shouldn't be just let to get on with it.

Take good care of yourself.

JedSee.

User
Posted 23 Jul 2023 at 23:48

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
my GP on one of the few times I managed to see her face to face told me was due to the lack of hormones due to the operation.

I am sorry that your GP told you this as it is not true - having your prostate removed does not affect your hormones at all. This misinformation has prevented you from getting help for too many years already and there is so much that could have been done to assist your erections! Tadalifil is only one tablet option - some men who get terrible headaches or joint pain with tadalifil (Cialis) are fine with sildenafil (Viagra) or Levitra. 

If your wife's loss of libido is linked to menopause, one of the problems may be that she is dry which makes sex painful. Lube can help with this a lot. If her loss of interest is because you weren't showing any interest in her while you struggled with the aftermath of the RP, then it may be that you can still find a way to trust each other again although it is very hard for a woman to feel sexy if her needs have been ignored for a long time and she may be a little frightened of allowing herself to hope? 

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 15 Aug 2023 at 09:34

Thank you to all who have replied. It has helped me and I know many are in the same situation. Also thanks for the information about hormones as I could only go on what my GP stated but perhaps she did not want to risk starting the cancer again? She has given me Sertraline 50mg to cheer me up but I do not detect any change in mood as of yet. Some days are better than others but still find myself looking forward to the drinking nights although the Alcohol police in the front room keep tabs on what I walk past holding in my hand from my trip to the fridge. Again thank you to all.

Martin

User
Posted 15 Aug 2023 at 13:36
If you still have a libido then masturbation is still very possible even with a floppy willy. I found a great device that works with a non-erect penis and which vibrates a button right on the nerve - if you are mentally stimulated (I watch a video or two at the same time) then it can produce an extremely pleasurable orgasm - I prefer mine to the pre-surgery one (lot less messy for a start).

Although I still enjoy having fun with my wife when we are both in the mood, for those times when she isn't interested or I have managed to pee her off during the day (LOL) then this works.

I'll try and find the thread with the links - it wasn't expensive - about £25.

User
Posted 15 Aug 2023 at 13:39
User
Posted 15 Aug 2023 at 21:10

Hello Martin55

I think I understand your predicament as much as anyone else can. What was your sex life like before surgery? Prostate cancer causes havoc in a men's/couple's lives, particularly to their sex lives. I know from our personal experience and that of other people, on this and similar sites, that treatment providers quite often promise more than what they are able to deliver. For most men their sex lives post-surgery, will never be the same. I had prostatectomy 12 years ago and I suffer from ED, more due to my age than the surgery, and climacutria, I leak when I am sexually excited!  We were both very determined to re-establish our intimate life. The very nature of this cancer is that a large number of wives are undergoing menopause causing vaginal dryness which, together with low mood, may be the cause of lack of interest in sex. We felt that to reclaim our sex life we had a mountain to climb. We had to learn and teach other how to make love again  with the help of VEDs and a good vibrator. Incorporating a penis pump in your love making is not easy but doable, often with unintended benefits. Have you thought of couple-counselling and/or sex therapy? Our experience is summarised in the following link:

https://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t28948-Re-establishing-Sex-Life

 'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.'                    Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate

 

 

User
Posted 16 Aug 2023 at 10:03

If you could supply details of this fun device I will try it in a dark corner! Things we are reduced to!

Thanks

Martin

User
Posted 16 Aug 2023 at 10:28

This is the one I bought but apparently you can also find them on eBay.

I really enjoy mine for those quiet times when I am in the mood :)

Penis vibrator for a floppy willy

User
Posted 16 Aug 2023 at 12:45

Just ordered one so wait and see!

Thanks

Martin

User
Posted 12 Sep 2023 at 11:22

Many thanks for the information. I purchased one of those from France and have tried a few times but and there is always a but. My equipment is now too short and very floppy after the prostate removal so no luck but thanks again.

M

User
Posted 12 Sep 2023 at 18:53
OK, so let me try and explain how I use it - bear in mind that as a 'grower' rather than a 'shower' my flaccid penis is 3cm long - fully erect in the VED I can only manage 12cm after the RARP.

So using the vibrator on my floppy willy involves opening the wings out and then using the button to vibrate the base of the penis head - for some extra enjoyment I use the shaft vibrator that tingles the scrotum. If I am watching some adult video then this can achieve orgasm in 5-7 minutes - it's 50% mental so without anything to get you mentally excited it would be hard to achieve orgasm.

 
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