I'm interested in conversations about and I want to talk about
Know exactly what you want?
Show search

Notification

Error
īģŋ

A place to have a chat.

User
Posted 23 May 2024 at 10:13

Probably sounds a bit daft Adrian, but have you tried a herbal remedy or melatonin tablets for sleep? My wife uses one, I'll report back with the name when I get it.

Great you're feeling okay Phil, hope it stays that way 🤞đŸģ

Managed to mow the lawn before this week's monsoon so that's a good result. 

The bluetits haven't fledged yet but I reckon they're ready to go. Watching them on the camera, it feels like they're part of the family. 

Cheers,

Kev.

Edited by member 23 May 2024 at 10:25  | Reason: Added note

User
Posted 23 May 2024 at 11:00

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
Probably sounds a bit daft Adrian, but have you tried a herbal remedy

Ey up, Kev.

I've tried a spliff but that just makes me giggle. 

Joking apart and talking of grass. I managed to get my lawn cut prior to the monsoon. It looks great after a good soaking.

I think I may have already mentioned (add memory loss to the increasing list of ailments) we've started feeding our blackbirds sultanas. They've become so tame they come to the kitchen patio door waiting for them. We're well repaid, they sing beautifully for their supper.

 

Edited by member 23 May 2024 at 22:12  | Reason: Typo

User
Posted 23 May 2024 at 13:32

Must take a lot of patience to train a blackbird. 

You'll be known as the blackbird whisperer 👍đŸŧ

Cheers, 

Kev.

User
Posted 23 May 2024 at 13:57

I've always managed to get birds to eat from my hand.  🙄

 

Edited by member 24 May 2024 at 13:00  | Reason: Typo

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 01:38

Hi All,

Guess that you all might be expecting and waiting for the usual Friday happy SpongeBob pi$$ef up Friday msg. 
Well, gotta admit at least to being a bit pi$$ef 😱 yet again. However…

I know that this is a bit off piste but I think I’ve just experienced one of the worst days of my life, in fact definitely in the top 5, (and believe it or not is nothing to do with our nemesis PCa ’.)

I went to pick up ‘Golden Boy’ I.e. son no 1 from Uni today. In his day he was a top top competitive swimmer and in his toddler years the sweatiest and most cheakiest of little gits đŸ˜Ŧ.
When he was in 6th form however and then at Uni we knew he was a but shy but nothing in his personality would prepare us for what was to unfold. The following is a very shortened detail about events we experienced. 

Unfortunately, in year one he got the wrong end of the Govt dictats on Covid ( students, even normal students were stuffed by the dictats). Anyway, he did manage to pass it, helped ironically as it was all online (so didn’t have to attend lectures/workshops in person).
Then in year 2 he failed it due to issues with his ‘ social anxiety’ - that is as it transpired he was too scared to leave his room even to attend lectures - the story of all this of which he kept hidden from us (his parents). 
Of course, eventually I did find out, and then with great tribulations I got him to refer to ‘student well-being’ and as I’d stopped working I was then able to take a very hands on approach with having a call with him every single day and in doing so I successfully managed to guide him through his repeat 2nd year. I need a separate 10,000 word blog to describe the ineffectiveness of the ‘student well-being’ and other counselling- you wouldn’t believe!). 
Then, still carrying on with daily calls with him in his final year I thought, with more than a sigh of relief, that he’d actually turned a corner.

But, today having just brought him back home he broke down and confessed, he’d not attended any lectures and not handed in any assignments for his final year. He’d lied to me every single day. Instead of working, he’d just sat in his room, too scared to go out, too scared even to go in the kitchen to eat.
He’s basically spent 4 years at Uni without speaking to anyone, not going to lectures, not doing assignments, not doing anything. Whilst, building up a student debt of approx £60k.

Of course, he has had minimal contact from the Uni, I doubt if anyone there at Uni would even recognise my son. As it turned out, no-one really chased him for not attending lectures or missing assignment deadlines. It has been incredibly poor on their behalf, they have supervisors for group work and project work except they don’t ‘supervise’, I reckon they have the easiest and most unaccountable job in world. I used to work for IBM and I would have got my arse kicked into the next century and around the Universe if I’d behaved like those lecturers/tutors in neglecting people under my responsibility.

So here I am having to pick up the pieces of a wreck of a boy who has wasted 4 years of his life sitting in a room, not talking to anyone, and not having learnt anything. It breaks my heart into pieces, to think how he has survived like this - why didn’t he tell me? I could have helped him. After all the drivel they were teaching him was piss, from what I saw I could do it my sleep, what a waste of money. It must have been hell for my son, it’s a thought that I’m really struggling with.
I wondering if my sister was right as I am really enjoying having the 3 gnomes she got me for my birthday I take them out on day trips, they don’t complain, they don’t empty my fridge or give me any problems. A tempting alternative to kids đŸ˜Ŧ

Any advice wellcome đŸ¤”â˜šī¸

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 07:51

Hi Spongebob, 

Sorry to hear this. I can't offer much advice but I think there is enormous pressure for kids to go to university these days. Personally, I'm a big fan of the old fashioned apprenticeships,

One of ours went and was caught up in the pandemic not long into her first year. With zero pastoral care, they basically took the money and ran. All the promises of student welfare, facilities and help with job placements evaporated into thin air. We had a choice, leave her there to potentially be locked up in the accommodation or bring her home. I won't bore you with the whole story, but I think the universities have failed their students and need to be challenged. Also, I think it's important that your son gets some (mental health) help, he's obviously struggling.

Hopefully you can find a way through this.

Good luck. 

Kev.

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 08:06

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
So here I am having to pick up the pieces of a wreck of a boy who has wasted 4 years of his life sitting in a room, not talking to anyone, and not having learnt anything. It breaks my heart into pieces, to think how he has survived like this - why didn’t he tell me? I could have helped him.

It must be absolutely gutting for you and him. You've obviously been a very kind, attentive, and understanding dad and I suspect your lad will feel devasted that he's 'let you down' When in reality, he has been suffering from severe psychological issues which have been grossly exacerbated by the ineptitude of the university.

One of my kids had mental health issues at University. He was medically assessed and unfortunately, left after three years unqualified. He's doing fine now, and eventually found a job he loves. 

I have very strong opinions on universities, which I'll try and contain, otherwise I'll get barred from here.

 You're going through a lot mate with your treatment. If you're anything like me, you'll not be as strong, mentally and physically as before. Make sure you take care of yourself.

I wish you, and the rest of your family well.

 

Edited by member 25 May 2024 at 10:45  | Reason: Additional text

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 09:32

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
 I think there is enormous pressure for kids to go to university these days. Personally, I'm a big fan of the old fashioned apprenticeships,

I joined the Army at 18, signed on for 3 years. I went from long haired, care free, art student, living at home and being cared for and financially supported by my parents. To short haired soldier crying over how I wished I learnt how to iron and having to look after myself. It was a great shock to my system. 

Those few weeks of basic training nearly broke me and almost half left. However those that remained helped each other survive. 

Three years later, I left and joined the police. Most of the police service, in those days, were made up of ex service personnel or folk who had moved from other occupations. The thing they all had in common was some experience of life. The bosses had all worked their way up through the ranks and generally knew what they were on about.

15 years later, as educational entry levels got higher and higher, more and more recruits came from uni. They were nice young people, but had very little life experience. At the same time they started introducing accelerated promotion courses for officers with degrees. The bosses were becoming better academically qualified but less experienced and less in touch with their work force.

In my opinion, this is part of the reason the service went into decline.

Despite this, I'm still a great believer in education, but the target of getting 50% of youngsters to university is totally ridiculous.

Whoops! I'm beginning to sound like my late father, and I've just slipped off my soap box! 

 

Edited by member 25 May 2024 at 10:52  | Reason: Typo

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 14:10

I was a university lecturer/reader in Electrical Engineering for over thirty years and Deputy Head of Department when I retired in 2000. In all those years I did not experience a tragic case like Spongebob’s son. He couldn’t have been better father.

Each student normally should have a named lecturer who is a personal tutor, responsible for his/her academic performance and pastoral care. Lecturers should have noticed that this student was not doing his work, and should have reported their concerns to his personal tutor, who would then investigate and take the necessary action. Of course because students are regarded as adults, tutors must be very careful about bringing  their parents into the picture, but it can be done. I feel both very angry and sad that this young man’s university failed to look after him.

First year students, particularly during the pandemic period, needed to be monitored carefully and given help with their studies and the tutors should have kept an eye on them. In my university all first-year students were allocated personal tutors who were required to meet their group of students once a week in their office. This arrangement was designed to identify students who needed academic help or pastoral support. I recall two occasions when I had to intervene. One of my tutor students did not come to my once-a-week session for a couple of weeks and also did not attend lectures and laboratory sessions. I had to take an unprecedented step to get permission to enter his room which had no sign of its occupant. I rang his mother to find that he had decided to discontinue his studies and was safely back at home. On another occasion a first-year female student broke down in my office told me that her parents were coming to collect her to take her back which I thought wasn’t in her best interest. With her permission I called her mother to delay her visit and I took (permission from my head) her to our house to meet my wife and daughter. We had dinner, talked about her problems which were about her accommodation. Just having the chance to talk through her worries seemed to help resolve her feeling of crisis. My wife and I drove her back to the university. The following morning I contacted the Accommodation Officer and found her a more suitable room. Three years later she graduated with a first, I met her parents at the graduation ceremony: the last I heard of her she had a management job with London Underground. I feel quite proud of myself!

One of the reasons I took early retirement was that in last few years I used to lecture to very large classes consisting of a significant number of students who should have never been advised to peruse or accepted for university studies. But the government policy of 50% participation rate meant that we had to drop our intake grades, resulting in a drop in degree standard. In my opinion at least half the universities should be offering vocational courses to produce a workforce badly needed by our industries. There would then be enough institutions so that students could go to their local colleges and would save them having to pay rents and living costs. This would delay these students from flying the nest - better than wasting three to four years obtaining unsuitable, dubious qualifications and coming back to their parents with a significant debt.

 

 'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.'                    Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate

 

 

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 14:28

Pratap. What a fantastic post. Thank you for giving me an insight in how things should be done. I can see the dilemma of higher education establishments having to treat students as adults and not as children and the difficulties that presents of involving parents.👍

Edited by member 25 May 2024 at 14:30  | Reason: Typo

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 15:11

Hi Pratap,

That is exactly what I would hope for and expect. At both the open and offer holder days we were sold a vision with assurance that students would be actively engaged (even the most ‘nerdy’ of students). We were told as parents to not worry. 
It’s not difficult is it? 10 mins per week just to check the attendance stats of the students under your remit and then to follow up asap on any students that you find are ducking out. Ditto with those who miss assignments.

Thanks very much for your comments, much appreciated, I’m just trying to work out what to do and get a plan of action in place. Priority is sorting out my son, to get him the help he needs and to basically reintroduce him to society and a pathway to work. And I want to engage with the University, at the least I want to try encourage them to review cases like my son’s, to learn from it. Any steps that they can put in place as a result to help other struggling students would be good. I’m thinking of canvassing other parents who have experienced similar with their young people to see if I can get a collective together.

Anyway best get this chat back to gardening đŸ˜Ŧ. I’ve just cut the grass, and in time to watch the cup final.

cheers

Spongebob

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 16:05

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
 I’ve just cut the grass, and in time to watch the cup final.

What a second half it should be! I've already done four tins of 1664!

Late edit. So happy for my grandson! Who's a big United fan! Great game. 

Edited by member 25 May 2024 at 17:05  | Reason: Additional text

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 18:17

Hi SpongeBob 

so sorry to read this, I really feel for you as I have been in exactly the same position, even down to the repeating a year. 

When I discovered he had never left his room after the first term, I can’t begin to tell you how devastated I was, but I guess you know!

anyway for me that was 8 years ago and I just wanted to reach out and tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My son did complete his degree using some credits that he had managed to get and two years with the open university. 

he didn’t accrue more debt at this time as he managed to self fund by working as well.

He did rebuild his life and I couldn’t be prouder of him.

hope everything works out  for your son 

User
Posted 25 May 2024 at 22:01

Hi Spongebob

I hope you manage to get some answers from your son's university. If it were me - of course I don't know any of the details - if appropriate I would write directly to the Vice Chancellor and ask for a meeting with him and  the other relevant members of the university.  There have been so many cases of students not receiving the support they need, including suicides, the universities are terrified of bad publicity and so they should be. A young man left with a debt of £60k with  no support and no qualifications  to show for it is a scandal.

 'Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.'                    Richard Feynman (1918-1988) Nobel Prize laureate

 

 

User
Posted 26 May 2024 at 00:12

Hi Pratap,

I really appreciate your input here, with your expertise of University operations. I do want to go after the Uni, to get some accountability but more to try ensure that they improve their practices to prevent/limit future similar cases. I’ll clear my head and pm you some more detail tomorrow (Sunday).

Many thanks

Spongebob

User
Posted 26 May 2024 at 01:13

so sorry to read this, I really feel for you as I have been in exactly the same position, even down to the repeating a year. 

Hi Mags,

I really appreciate your comments. My son is an extreme example but I am aware that many students are struggling, there are many who spend most of their time just sitting in their rooms. 
So, so very different from my day when Uni was just the best thing that could ever have happened - it was so good. BUT in those days we didn’t have the virtual and techno world that today’s kids have.  I spent most of my time drinking, brewing beer, playing football and going to parties. We kept our doors always open having many a chat into the small hours - usually chats about girls or ‘birds’ as we were allowed to refer to them in those days 😱. I don’t think either of my kids have been to a party yet! And they certainly don’t dare to leave their doors open in case they might have to actually talk to someone - they’re zombies.

cheers

Sponge

User
Posted 26 May 2024 at 08:01

Sponge,

I don't know if this would be helpful but I was in a similar position some years ago and the way I managed to extract my son from his bedroom was by buying a table tennis table and getting him out to pay TT several times a day plus a couple of games of tennis a week. Physical of course but if your son is not keen on mixing it with people it's a non-threatening step back to the real world. Might sound trivial but it got things moving. Could be irrelevant of course. I know you've got more than enough to deal with yourself, so tennis would be right off the table but maybe something else, bowls, croquet ... doesn't matter really. Another member of your family to help out?

As for Unis! For me and many of my friends the social experience and exchange of ideas outside of lectures was probably more important than the course subjects. Here in Australia successive governments have moved from a time when we had free tertiary education to a situation where Unis are sausage factories for making money. On top of that, because they were regarded as hotbeds of dangerous student activism, the whole under-grad social system was deliberately dismantled and that was a huge loss.

Long decline, starting from the mid '70's, which puts it beyond living memory for most of the population.

I only get to say this stuff because it isn't in any way critical of UK policy of course 😀

The other thing here, is that for your son, I'd guess that your prostate cancer is a worry for him, even if it doesn't show.

I wish all the best of you and your family.

 

Jules

Edited by member 26 May 2024 at 11:19  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 26 May 2024 at 13:17

University: Never considered it as no one in my family ever went and my parents weren’t exactly supportive. I couldn’t even be arsed with the 11 plus so ended up at a s*** Comprehensive School. At 13 me and my little bruv were fostered and moved schools for 18 months and it was magic but had to move back and missed all my options as 4th year had already started , subsequently messed up all my exams and had a to do a year at college re sitting CSEs as GCEs plus an engineering course. Which set me on a design direction apprenticeship in the automotive business which I did till PCa reared its head. 

Kids: Our oldest told us the day before his A level results that he didn’t want to do uni. Mix of not wanting debt plus girlfriend. Ok no probs , but you need a job. Started soon at a bank and now works for Barclays in Jersey. 
Youngest was harder. In his mid teens he struggled at school  and it was very hard work for us. Self harm and running off etc. Started at college but hated it, so stopped going. Then someone told us how good he was at IT and so we got him in on a course. He never looked back and now earns a fortune doing cloud security. ( why does a cloud need security đŸ¤Ŗ). 


So neither did Uni, and agree with other comments here that it seems wrong that the perception is you have to do it to get a decent job. It depends on the job. Hearing so many sad tales about the stress, debt etc. The Gov’t keep prattling on about apprenticeships but what’s actually changed.??? 

We need more of the money getting down to grass roots level and not washing around at the top end with consultants and management getting their big fat kickback. I know this happens as I know a guy who was CEO of a quite large College that did apprenticeships not A levels and tried to help the kids out. Some of the kids stories of how they managed home life with still getting to college every day were harrowing. 

 

I really hope you can get your kids sorted now you know and understand the problems they’ve been trying to keep from you. 

 

Blimey, didn’t realise I felt so strongly about it đŸ¤Ļ‍â™€ī¸ 

 

Sorry if I’ve rambled on and it’s not very grammatically correct but I didn’t want to go back and dilute it down. Plus I’m a poor Comprehensive kid đŸ¤Ŗ When I was in my 20’s and started learning German my teacher said we are all so rubbish at our own language that she needs to teach us English first. Talk about embarrassing.. 

 

Phil

Edited by member 26 May 2024 at 13:19  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 26 May 2024 at 13:39

I remember showing my two lads, when they were studying further maths at A level, one of my old GCE,  O level maths papers. They didn't have a clue how to answer them. They thought a slide rule was don't go down head first.

 

 

Edited by member 26 May 2024 at 13:40  | Reason: Typo

User
Posted 26 May 2024 at 13:42

They thought a slide rule was don't go down head first

 

Love that đŸ¤Ŗ

 

Did you have to use Log tables too ? I defiantly wouldn’t know where to start with them now….

Edited by member 26 May 2024 at 13:54  | Reason: Not specified

 
Forum Jump  
©2025 Prostate Cancer UK