A place to have a chat.

Must take a lot of patience to train a blackbird. 

You'll be known as the blackbird whisperer 👍🏼

Cheers, 

Kev.

Hi All,

Guess that you all might be expecting and waiting for the usual Friday happy SpongeBob pi$$ef up Friday msg. 
Well, gotta admit at least to being a bit pi$$ef 😱 yet again. However…

I know that this is a bit off piste but I think I’ve just experienced one of the worst days of my life, in fact definitely in the top 5, (and believe it or not is nothing to do with our nemesis PCa ’.)

I went to pick up ‘Golden Boy’ I.e. son no 1 from Uni today. In his day he was a top top competitive swimmer and in his toddler years the sweatiest and most cheakiest of little gits 😬.
When he was in 6th form however and then at Uni we knew he was a but shy but nothing in his personality would prepare us for what was to unfold. The following is a very shortened detail about events we experienced. 

Unfortunately, in year one he got the wrong end of the Govt dictats on Covid ( students, even normal students were stuffed by the dictats). Anyway, he did manage to pass it, helped ironically as it was all online (so didn’t have to attend lectures/workshops in person).
Then in year 2 he failed it due to issues with his ‘ social anxiety’ - that is as it transpired he was too scared to leave his room even to attend lectures - the story of all this of which he kept hidden from us (his parents). 
Of course, eventually I did find out, and then with great tribulations I got him to refer to ‘student well-being’ and as I’d stopped working I was then able to take a very hands on approach with having a call with him every single day and in doing so I successfully managed to guide him through his repeat 2nd year. I need a separate 10,000 word blog to describe the ineffectiveness of the ‘student well-being’ and other counselling- you wouldn’t believe!). 
Then, still carrying on with daily calls with him in his final year I thought, with more than a sigh of relief, that he’d actually turned a corner.

But, today having just brought him back home he broke down and confessed, he’d not attended any lectures and not handed in any assignments for his final year. He’d lied to me every single day. Instead of working, he’d just sat in his room, too scared to go out, too scared even to go in the kitchen to eat.
He’s basically spent 4 years at Uni without speaking to anyone, not going to lectures, not doing assignments, not doing anything. Whilst, building up a student debt of approx £60k.

Of course, he has had minimal contact from the Uni, I doubt if anyone there at Uni would even recognise my son. As it turned out, no-one really chased him for not attending lectures or missing assignment deadlines. It has been incredibly poor on their behalf, they have supervisors for group work and project work except they don’t ‘supervise’, I reckon they have the easiest and most unaccountable job in world. I used to work for IBM and I would have got my arse kicked into the next century and around the Universe if I’d behaved like those lecturers/tutors in neglecting people under my responsibility.

So here I am having to pick up the pieces of a wreck of a boy who has wasted 4 years of his life sitting in a room, not talking to anyone, and not having learnt anything. It breaks my heart into pieces, to think how he has survived like this - why didn’t he tell me? I could have helped him. After all the drivel they were teaching him was piss, from what I saw I could do it my sleep, what a waste of money. It must have been hell for my son, it’s a thought that I’m really struggling with.
I wondering if my sister was right as I am really enjoying having the 3 gnomes she got me for my birthday I take them out on day trips, they don’t complain, they don’t empty my fridge or give me any problems. A tempting alternative to kids 😬

Any advice wellcome 🤔☹️

It must be absolutely gutting for you and him. You've obviously been a very kind, attentive, and understanding dad and I suspect your lad will feel devasted that he's 'let you down' When in reality, he has been suffering from severe psychological issues which have been grossly exacerbated by the ineptitude of the university.

One of my kids had mental health issues at University. He was medically assessed and unfortunately, left after three years unqualified. He's doing fine now, and eventually found a job he loves. 

I have very strong opinions on universities, which I'll try and contain, otherwise I'll get barred from here.

 You're going through a lot mate with your treatment. If you're anything like me, you'll not be as strong, mentally and physically as before. Make sure you take care of yourself.

I wish you, and the rest of your family well.

Edited by member 25 May 2024 at 10:45  | Reason: Additional text

I was a university lecturer/reader in Electrical Engineering for over thirty years and Deputy Head of Department when I retired in 2000. In all those years I did not experience a tragic case like Spongebob’s son. He couldn’t have been better father.

Each student normally should have a named lecturer who is a personal tutor, responsible for his/her academic performance and pastoral care. Lecturers should have noticed that this student was not doing his work, and should have reported their concerns to his personal tutor, who would then investigate and take the necessary action. Of course because students are regarded as adults, tutors must be very careful about bringing  their parents into the picture, but it can be done. I feel both very angry and sad that this young man’s university failed to look after him.

First year students, particularly during the pandemic period, needed to be monitored carefully and given help with their studies and the tutors should have kept an eye on them. In my university all first-year students were allocated personal tutors who were required to meet their group of students once a week in their office. This arrangement was designed to identify students who needed academic help or pastoral support. I recall two occasions when I had to intervene. One of my tutor students did not come to my once-a-week session for a couple of weeks and also did not attend lectures and laboratory sessions. I had to take an unprecedented step to get permission to enter his room which had no sign of its occupant. I rang his mother to find that he had decided to discontinue his studies and was safely back at home. On another occasion a first-year female student broke down in my office told me that her parents were coming to collect her to take her back which I thought wasn’t in her best interest. With her permission I called her mother to delay her visit and I took (permission from my head) her to our house to meet my wife and daughter. We had dinner, talked about her problems which were about her accommodation. Just having the chance to talk through her worries seemed to help resolve her feeling of crisis. My wife and I drove her back to the university. The following morning I contacted the Accommodation Officer and found her a more suitable room. Three years later she graduated with a first, I met her parents at the graduation ceremony: the last I heard of her she had a management job with London Underground. I feel quite proud of myself!

One of the reasons I took early retirement was that in last few years I used to lecture to very large classes consisting of a significant number of students who should have never been advised to peruse or accepted for university studies. But the government policy of 50% participation rate meant that we had to drop our intake grades, resulting in a drop in degree standard. In my opinion at least half the universities should be offering vocational courses to produce a workforce badly needed by our industries. There would then be enough institutions so that students could go to their local colleges and would save them having to pay rents and living costs. This would delay these students from flying the nest - better than wasting three to four years obtaining unsuitable, dubious qualifications and coming back to their parents with a significant debt.

Hi Pratap,

I really appreciate your input here, with your expertise of University operations. I do want to go after the Uni, to get some accountability but more to try ensure that they improve their practices to prevent/limit future similar cases. I’ll clear my head and pm you some more detail tomorrow (Sunday).

Many thanks

Spongebob

Sponge,

I don't know if this would be helpful but I was in a similar position some years ago and the way I managed to extract my son from his bedroom was by buying a table tennis table and getting him out to pay TT several times a day plus a couple of games of tennis a week. Physical of course but if your son is not keen on mixing it with people it's a non-threatening step back to the real world. Might sound trivial but it got things moving. Could be irrelevant of course. I know you've got more than enough to deal with yourself, so tennis would be right off the table but maybe something else, bowls, croquet ... doesn't matter really. Another member of your family to help out?

As for Unis! For me and many of my friends the social experience and exchange of ideas outside of lectures was probably more important than the course subjects. Here in Australia successive governments have moved from a time when we had free tertiary education to a situation where Unis are sausage factories for making money. On top of that, because they were regarded as hotbeds of dangerous student activism, the whole under-grad social system was deliberately dismantled and that was a huge loss.

Long decline, starting from the mid '70's, which puts it beyond living memory for most of the population.

I only get to say this stuff because it isn't in any way critical of UK policy of course 😀

The other thing here, is that for your son, I'd guess that your prostate cancer is a worry for him, even if it doesn't show.

I wish all the best of you and your family.

Jules

Edited by member 26 May 2024 at 11:19  | Reason: Not specified

I remember showing my two lads, when they were studying further maths at A level, one of my old GCE,  O level maths papers. They didn't have a clue how to answer them. They thought a slide rule was don't go down head first.

Edited by member 26 May 2024 at 13:40  | Reason: Typo