Thank you for your thoughts. It's been a busy couple of weeks!!
We were just 3 months away from 5 years of fighting this b*stard! It's been a long and difficult haul. You may recall that Alan went into heart failure within the first year of HT and along with COPD life was not easy for him. His cancer had behaved itself up until 3-4 months ago and in view of this we had always considered that a belting heart attack would get him in the end.
What we had never considered was blood clots! Both legs' main arteries blocked just 6 weeks ago and he was rushed into hospital where one foot died very quickly. Then his heart kicked off again so he was moved from vascular to coronary care - only problem seems to be these specialists forget the basics and even though I was begging them to deal with his pain issues they were not listening. Alan became a monster in there to the point I had to stay with him day and night to keep him calm. Mentally he had fallen to pieces and he was hallucinating too!
Moving him to a nursing home was complicated and took up the whole of one week by which time he was throwing things, taking a swipe at me, swearing every other word and being a general nightmare ... but they still wouldn't sedate him! However, we managed to move him on a Thursday - he was still ready to fight the world but within 24 hours at the home, the pain issues were under control and he became calm and peaceful again. He only lasted another week and died peacefully. We were alone together at the time - just as we had planned and hoped for. As the home was across the county border he had to be registered with a new doctor. When he came out to certify the death he confirmed that the only medical condition to blame for his death was Prostate Cancer and that was what would go on the death certificate. Alan would have been chuffed about that as he always said his original GP (Dodgy Doc) 'had killed him' - so he would have felt a winner on 3 fronts .. the GMC, litigation, and now the cause of his death.
We had a fabulous Life Celebration for Alan on Friday at the crematorium .. lots of laughs as well as tears. Four of his army mates as pallbearers and protection squad giving Alan is final salute as the curtains surrounded the coffin. Humanist ceremony with Buddhist input - just what he wanted. We left the crem to "Always look on the bright side of life" and everyone attending was gifted a small Buddha in his memory. Lovely meal afterwards at the pub where we met on a blind date in 1993. Had my flowers returned home so that I could appreciate them.
I feel I have been grieving for Alan the whole time since he was diagnosed as terminal in 2011 and along with the huge relief that he was out of pain, made his death a bit easier. Obviously I'm gutted and there have been many tears, but he wanted me to carry one, move out of the bungalow to somewhere smaller so I think he would be pleased that I've made an immediate started on clearing out our large 4 bedroom bungalow which is bursting at the seams. How does that happen when there is only two of you? So much 'stuff'.
Huge hole in my life now as Alan was such a big personality .. but I'm leaving him in the care of his Buddha until it's my time to be with him again.